Chapter 14: It Was Always You
Spencer's POV
I found myself kissing back, my hands tangling in his hair, after the shock from his lips on mine in the first place. Something was pushing at my mind, telling me this was all wrong.
Looks like I still love Jack, too.
I pulled back from his lips when I realized what it was as Alex crossed my mind. Jack was staring at me with so much in his eyes, I couldn't really tell what was going through his head. Eventually, I looked down and blinked hard when tears came to my eyes.
I just got him back and I fucked it up.
Wiping my eyes quickly, I looked up at Jack. He looked so hurt and so...lost I couldn't even look at him. He sighed heavily, standing up. I looked up at Jack as he got the front door open.
"Jack-" I started, but it's cut off by the door slamming shut.
I hurt him so much and there's nothing I can do about it.
I sighed to myself and put my face in my hands. But before I could let tears escape, Alex called to me from his room.
Wiping my eyes at tears that were threatening to escape, I got up and went down the hall to his room. I stood in the doorway and looked at Alex, who was laying in his bed. "Yeah?" I asked.
He looked at me. "Will you lay down with me?" I nodded and walked over to him, laying down on his bed. Our arms went around each other and my head laid on his chest.
This is where I belong. My heart is with him.
I blinked back tears again, but this time Alex noticed as one fell from my eye. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, tilting my chin up with his hand.
I shook my head and turned around, laying on my stomach and burying my face in a pillow. "You're not gonna like it."
Alex laid next to me, one arm draped over my waist. "Spencer?" he asked, hesitantly.
"I kissed Jack," I said, my voice going higher because of the tears I was holding back.
"What?" Alex said. I could tell he leaned closer to me.
"I kissed Jack," I whispered, tears finally falling from my eyes and into the pillow.
It took a second, but Alex finally moved his arm away and sat up. "You did what?" he asked, his voice going up a level in volume. I didn't look at him, mainly because I couldn't. He sighed and the bed lifted, signaling he got up. I sat up so I could face him. "Why?" he asked after a second, clearly pissed off.
The only thing I could think of to say was, "He kissed me first."
"That doesn't matter." He sighed again then brought his hands to his face and dragged them down. "Seriously, Spence? After everything that has happened, you still kissed him?" he yelled, his voice cracking slightly because he was sick.
I bit my lip and looked down at the bed. I had no idea what to say and Alex still doesn't know I love Jack as well.
I'm a terrible girlfriend.
I heard footsteps and looked up just as Alex was walking out of his room. "Where are you going?" I asked, finally finding my voice.
"I don't know," he said, showing annoyance as he grabbed a hoodie and left his room. A minute later, I heard the front door slam.
I can't keep doing this to either of them.
XXXX
Five hours later I heard footsteps come into Alex's bedroom that I had yet to leave. When he left all I did was lay down, cry, sleep an hour, cry some more, and think about everything that has happened between Jack, Alex, and I.
My eyes were closed, so when the bed dipped next to me and a hand laid on my shoulder, I didn't see who it was. "Spencer," Alex said. I let my eyes that were blotchy flutter open to see him sitting next to me. I didn't say anything, just stared at him. He sighed and moved his hand. "You love Jack, too, huh?"
I gave him a confused look and sat up. "How did you-?"
He cut me off. "I just put two and two together." He shrugged. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh, yeah. 'Hey, babe, by the way, I love Jack, too,'" I said, sarcastically. "That would not go over well."
He chuckled and grabbed one of my hands. "Good point." He was tracing circles on my hand, staring down at it. But he looked back up at me. "He's crushed," Alex said.
I let out an exasperated breath and flopped back down on my back. "I'm an awful person."
"No, you're not." He laid down next to me. "I, honestly, knew there was something between you two," he started, "I just didn't want to believe it. Hell, I still don't."
"Alex," I said after a few minutes. He looked over at me. "You know I love you, right?"
He furrowed his brow and looked at me like he started searching my eyes. "Of course. Why?"
"I would never leave you for Jack," I said, honestly, looking directly into his eyes.
Alex looked taken aback, but said. "I knew that after he told you he loved you the first time."
"'Honestly, the person who has the best chance of breaking up the two of you is yourself, Alex,'" Alex and I said, quoting Jack entirely from the first Warped Tour. We both looked back up at the ceiling.
"Can you, please, stop kissing Jack, though?" Alex asked, and I could hear the pain in his voice.
"Yes, I promise," I said, then added quickly, "It's not like I wanted to, Alex." Then I told him what exactly had happened. "I couldn't really...agree or disagree with it."
He sighed. "I see why. Thank you for being honest."
"I don't wanna lie to you," I said, simply. "But he's mad at me now."
"He'll get over it," Alex said, then chuckled lightly. "Remember when you came back from New York for the first time? He was sad because you left, but when you visited he was ecstatic."
I chuckled, "Yes."
Flashback
I walked up the steps to Jack's house, pulling the sleeves of my shirt down. Raising my fist, I hesitantly knocked on the door. A short time later, the door opened to reveal Jack. I smiled and waved slightly as his eyes widened slowly.
"SPENCER!" He hugged me tightly and picked me up, spinning me around.
"Jack, put me down," I laughed.
He set me down on the porch since we were now outside, but didn't let go of me yet. "I missed you so much!"
I laughed again and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I missed you, too. Where are the others?"
"Jack, we know you love her, but you can't hog Spencer."
I stepped back from Jack to see Rian in the doorway. "Rian!" I skipped over to him and hugged him tightly.
He hugged me back. "It's good to see you."
"Mmhmm." I nodded, not letting him go yet.
"Jack, Rian! Who's here?" I heard Zack call just before he walked around the corner and saw me. "Spencer!"
"Hi, Zack!" I waved and Rian let me go. I skipped over to Zack and hugged him as Jack shut the door to his house.
"Okay, I wanna hug you again." Jack wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I turned around in his arms and hugged him again.
A toilet flushed and a few seconds later Alex walked down the hallway. I let go of Jack as the room fell silent to see Alex's eyes widen. "Spencer," he said.
"Hi." I smiled and waved a little. At this point, I didn't really care about what had happened between us. But I didn't want him back.
Jack, Rian, and Zack looked between each other before walking back into the living room. Alex smiled. "Can I have a hug?" I smirked and walked into his open arms, wrapping my own around him. "It's good to see you," he said.
"Group hug!" Jack yelled and then three other bodies hugged me and Alex.
"You guys are the best," I giggled.
Alex and I were both chuckling. "We were so happy to see you," Alex said.
"I was happy to see you, too," I said.
"Spencer," Alex put an arm over my waist after propping himself up on his side, "you seriously want to come on tour with us?"
I nodded. "Absolutely." He grinned and pecked my lips. My face fell. "I have to talk to Jack."
Alex sighed, but nodded. "Yeah. You do."
"Alex?"
"Hm?" He raised his eyebrows.
"I keep hurting him."
He sighed and laid down on his stomach next to me. His arm was still over my waist and he was playing with the sleeve of my shirt. "I know."
"I don't want to anymore." I shook my head and tears filled my eyes.
"I'm hurting him, too, because I'm the one who gets to call you my girlfriend." Alex folded his arm and used it as a pillow.
"But I'm hurting him more because I chose you over him."
Alex moved his head to my shoulder. "He won't love you forever."
"I'm not so sure." After that, nothing was said.