Chapter 14

Truth

This little spark was all that remained of their afternoon of nostalgia. Now and then Sirius and Remus would talk about the old times, but it just wasn't the same. Seeing that the Marauders were still alive in Harry had made the memories so much more present, more realistic. Whenever they tried to create that atmosphere afterwards all of it seemed far away and misty. Like it had happened to someone else, as if it weren't their memories. It wasn't enough to keep Remus distracted from his thoughts about Tonks. He did his best to avoid her, but it was getting harder to keep himself from starring at her during meetings. Those were the only times he saw her without risking to have to talk to her. Snape's comments became sharper as soon as Tonks left the room, Molly's smile more knowing. Even the two of them seemed to respect her feelings, whereas they didn't seem to care about what they were doing to Remus' ones. He was not the only one to act distant, but they had seen Tonks breaking and they wouldn't risk to hurt her further. Snape would say that it would be an unnecessary loss of force, weakening their position against Voldemort. The man was really good at hiding his few human emotions behind sentences that sounded cold-hearted and calculating.

It was nearing summer when Molly asked Remus for a special 'mission'. Tonks wasn't able to show up at Grimmauld Place for more than a week because of her shifts at the ministry and Molly was worried that she could eat too little. So she bid Remus to bring her some of her best pasta salad. He tried to talk himself out, but Molly insisted on making it his task. She pointed out that no one else could do so, for she was still busy cleaning headquarters, Sirius couldn't leave and all the others were on order missions or at work. What left Remus as a courier. Sighing, he accepted that he would have to do it anyway and made his way out of the front door. Molly had given him Tonks' address. He didn't know the exact place so he would have to apparate a few streets further, hoping that the pasta salad wouldn't mind the London heat. Then he remembered that he was a wizard and didn't have to rely on refrigerators. He cast a quick spell on the salad and continued searching Tonks' house.

It took him a while to make it out for he wouldn't have thought she lived in a house like that. It was a really tall building, surely at least counting ten floors. There was not a hint of paint, everything was coloured in a washed-out grey. The house door stood open so he decided to try his luck, looking for her flat without ringing now. He finally found out in the ninth floor, quite out of breath from the many stairs. If he had known which floor to go he could have used the elevator, but he didn't and so he had to use his feet. At least he would be able to spare them this march when he left. Nervous, he ringed the doorbell and waited for Tonks to come out. After a while there were steps to be heard, although they didn't sound much like her. For example because there was no tripping. When the door opened he didn't see the beautiful pink-haired Auror but a tall man with bare upper body and disheveled black hair. Remus had to admit that he looked really good. Seemed like he was replaced worthy.

"Can I help you?"

The man looked curiously at him. His smile was friendly and his dark eyes shone with it. If he wouldn't hate him so much for having his wonderful Nymphadora, he would probably like him.

"Molly asked me to bring some pasta salad for Tonks."

He forced a smile onto his face and handed him the dish.

"Nymphie, your dear Molly saved you from starvation! What is your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"Pleased to meet you, Remus. I'm Giovanni Riviera. May I ask you to come in? You look like you've searched through all the floors until you found us here."

The grin on his face was honest and Remus decided that he would just dislike him because hating him was quite difficult.

Tonks' apartment looked just like he had imagined it. Things were thrown together in messy heaps, all walls painted in bright colours. It looked anything but uncomfortable, though. Giovanni pointed to one of the couches which could still be used for sitting.

"Just sit down there. I think there's nothing on it that would attack you, but keep your wand at the ready, just in case. You never know what might occur when you're in Nymphie's flat. She almost never tidies it up. And if she does, all of us have to suffer it. Last time we had a great cleaning action I was bitten by a rat that hid behind her wardrobe. I'll go and see if she and Robert are still alive."

Either there had been a great cleaning action in the last few weeks or they had known each other for longer. Or maybe he just wasn't her new boyfriend. He mentioned a Robert. Was that the man at Tonks' side? Before he had enough time to figure it out, the three of them entered the room. Tonks and the man who had to be Robert were covered in dust and fluffs.

"They look terrifying, what? This flat is such a mess. I don't know how you can possibly live here, Nymphie! Don't you want to move in with us?"

"I don't want to disturb your privacy and actually, I like my flat like it is."

"Dust is new fashion, Gio. I thought you should have noticed, Mr. Designer."

Remus was still trying to get what Tonks meant with 'their privacy' when Giovanni walked over to Robert, wiped some of the dirt off his face and kissed him soundly.

"I don't have to go with every fashion. And I definitely hate dust and by the way all other sorts of dirt. As you well know. And if you don't see a shower as soon as we come home you can sleep on the couch tonight."

They grinned at each other before they continued their kissing. Tonks decently looked the other way but couldn't suppress a joyful smile. She seemed to be happy for Giovanni and Robert and Remus was relieved that she didn't look his way so she wouldn't see his shocked expression. Not that he had something against gays – in fact now he was able to really like Giovanni and this Robert – but he had been prepared to find Tonks' new boyfriend, not her gay best friends cleaning up her flat. He just had had time to regain his composure when Robert broke the kiss.

"Sorry, I have been rude. My name is Robert Faste. I'm healer at St. Mungos so Giovanni thought it best for me to be around Nymphadora when they face the mess that's her flat. But really, I don't think he just brought me here to have an eye on her accidents, he's terribly afraid of rats."

Remus couldn't suppress a grin. He definitely liked these two. Slowly he stopped doubting her sense for personalities. At least with Robert and Giovanni she had proved to be able to choose good friends.

"Remus Lupin. Rats are actually not my friends, either."

He thought of Peter and shivered involuntarily.

"And Nymphadora, you have been even ruder than I. After all you're the inhabitant of this apartment so you should at least greet your guests."

Robert had turned to Tonks and she blushed deeply at his words.

"Sorry. Hi, Remus. Thanks for bringing the pasta salad. If you want you can stay a little but if you don't, well, it's not really..."

"Clean?", guessed Robert.

"Homely?", suggested Giovanni.

"I wanted to say neither of it, you prats. For the last time, you're really bad at reading thoughts. And finishing sentences, by the way."

She rolled her yes and the three of them burst out in laughter. Remus felt himself giggle, too. It had been a long time since he had felt so comfortable, even with all that mess around him. After all those weeks of cold rejection he could allow himself one afternoon with her and her friends. They just cleaned up her apartment, nothing special. It wasn't like he was about to give in or anything. Just because the relief because she wasn't having a boyfriend – he didn't know for sure, but he felt he was right – dazed his mind a bit didn't mean that he would do something foolish.

"I'd like to stay here. Do you mind if I assist you with your dust problem?"

I took them all day to turn the flat into something inhabitable. Remus didn't know how she could have lived in here in the state it had been, but he wasn't about to question her. After all it was her life and she had to endure the mess and the dust. All throughout their work they had been chatting along. Giovanni always had something funny to say, Robert countered with witty remarks and Remus wasn't at a lack of words either. He had expected all of that, but what he hadn't expected was Tonks' behaviour. She was totally different from the young woman he knew from the order. She didn't try to behave serious, her comments were sometimes sharp, sometimes jokey and an intelligence he was ashamed to admit he hadn't attributed to her shone through all of them. He asked himself why she wasn't that way when she was in headquarters. Not just because of him, she had been different from the beginning. Maybe she was matching her surroundings. With the kids she was a kid herself, with Mad-Eye and Kingsley she was the professional Auror, with the order a serious fighter and with her friends she was an intellectual joker. He had to admit that he badly wanted to know what she would be like when she would be with him. Her facets fascinated him and he knew only a few of them. What was she like around her parents, grand-parents, other friends? Remus wanted to know all of it, but at the same time he knew that it was impossible. There was just no way he could be with Tonks like that. Maybe he could still try to be her friend, but that wouldn't make him see all the sides of her he wanted to see. Deep down he knew that being friends would torture them both, but he just couldn't force himself to stay as cold as he had been the last weeks. Tonks had captivated him once more and his resistance was about to crush.

Apart from her changed behaviour there were several other things he noticed about her while he tried to win the fight against the dust. The books in her shelf. Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Voltaire and Kant next to Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde and Goethe. Beneath them all sorts of novels, from romance (Nora Roberts and Nicolas Sparks, moreover Cecilia Ahern) to thriller (Simon Becket, Mary Higgins Clark, Stephen King). It seemed as if those books mirrored the many facets of their owner's personality. Remus laughed about his own thoughts, but he bewared to doubt the depth of her character. Not after the opposites he had found in it. Next to her collection of The Weird Sisters fan articles were CDs of Muggle artists, from a certain Katy Perry to Pink to Christina Aguilera and Marina & The Diamonds. Her sneakoscope lay between the TV and her laptop, The Daily Prophet and The Times on the table in the living room. Nymphadora Tonks seemed to unify the wizarding and the Muggle world in her tiny living space, something she must have inherited from her father. Well, except for the books, but there simply wasn't a single good author being able to do magic. But now and then an old school book was to be found.

At the end of the day they were all tired and Tonks made a quick trip to the next supermarket to buy ice cream. Contently they sat together, watching the sunset through the window in her living room. Giovanni and Robert excused themselves and went home for they had to stay up early the next morning. Remus felt he had to go, too, but he just couldn't bring himself to do so. He felt perfectly fine on Tonks' couch, talking to her in a perfectly normal tone and enjoying his perfectly chocolaty ice cream. As one may notice, the moment seemed perfect and he didn't want to destroy it. But then Tonks broke the fake peacefulness.

"What made you stay?"

"Well, Giovanni and Robert seemed nice company and your flat really needed to be cleaned..."

"You didn't have to help me with that. You ignored me for months and now you're just stopping by to clean my flat? I know that Molly forced you to come here, but she can't have forced you to stay, right?"

"No, of course she didn't. I don't know... Maybe I thought we could still be friends?"

It ended as a question. He hadn't intended to say that, but she had asked him and he felt he owed her the truth.

"Oh, Remus. How would that work? I don't know for sure what you're feeling, but imagining how I shall be with you in that way... I can't, Remus. I still love you, nothing has changed that. Nothing ever will. And friendship just isn't enough. It's nothing but torture for me. I'd really like you as a friend, but there's just so much more to it, at least from my side..."

His heart started to ache. He wanted so badly to jump up and take her in his arms, telling her that he loved her and really didn't want to be just friends... But he couldn't.

"I'm sorry, Tonks."

He slowly rose from the couch, making his way to the door. All the way back to Grimmauld Place, in the elevator, on the street, he shivered madly at the thought that he had just denied what he wanted the most. Whilst he was following his way back home, Tonks sank down in her pillows and started crying. Maybe she had just destroyed her only chance. But when he had asked her... It had been the truth. She couldn't bear to act like there was nothing. She loved him way too much and she probably just scared him off. But she couldn't care for that. The truth had to be worth it.