"Well, can we get in?" Ikkaku rose on tip toes to watch over Hisagi's shoulder as Hisagi was watching Yumichika pick a lock to the wooden back gate of the Kuchiki estate.

"Voila!" crowed Yumichika. "I told you I could do it. Oh, you unbelievers!"

"Quit patting yourself on the back before you break your arm. Let's go." Renji pushed them through the back gate before anyone had a chance to argue.

"Duck!" commanded Hisagi, as a caterer stepped out the back door of the manor house to empty the garbage.

"Where?" Kira craned his neck to see until Hisagi grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him behind a heavy bush with the others.

"Down, you idiot."

"I still didn't see it. I don't see any down either. Are you sure there was a duck, Shuuhei? All I saw was that caterer emptying the garbage."

"Well, at least, he didn't see you." Renji whacked him on the back of the head.

"What the hell was that for?"

"For being blond! We don't want anyone to know we're here, you vanilla pudding head."

"Well, nobody told me that," said an indignant Kira. "You could have at least told me your plan before we broke into this place."

"Plan? What plan?" said Shuuhei, blinking incredulously at him. "When do we ever stop and think about what we're doing? If we did, I wouldn't be doing half of this stuff. Breaking into Kuchiki's? How absurd is that? He's going to have our heads on a platter if he finds out we're here."

"Oh, he'll find out," said Renji. "I plan on it. Yesterday, Rukia said that he's pretty much taken over the bachelorette party and she's not real happy about it, so I figure to make him pay a little."

"You sure you want to do this?" asked Hisagi. "You could get in a lot of trouble, you know."

"Kuchiki and me? He's my captain and I obey his orders, but it's no secret that we don't get along," Renji stated matter-of-factly. "The chance to sneak into his estate and mess with one of his shin-digs is like battling Aizen single-handed - hard, heavy action with just a hint of danger."

"Also stupid, suicidal and completely beyond the realm of reality," agreed Ikkaku, rubbing his hands together with glee. "I love it!"

"A shin-dig at Kuchiki's – what's wrong with this sentence?" Yumichika rolled his eyes. "A soiree, definitely. A ball, possibly. But a shin-dig? What's next? A hootenanny?" He clucked his tongue in disgust.

"Besides, Hisagi," continued Renji. "You can kill two birds with one stone. Number one, 'Cater to the weak.' We knock out the caterers that Kuchiki hired, then we cater the bachelorette party. Women are weak, right?"

"What women do you hang around with? I think your interpretation is a little off."

"I don't mean literally."

"That's good," Shuuhei scoffed, "'cause SoiFon can wipe the floor with you, then wring you out and use you for Oomaeda's sponge bath."

"I mean traditionally, in culture. Maybe it's not true here, but that's what people in the real world believed for years before that women's lip thing happened."

"I think you mean women's lib," corrected Yumichika.

"No, I think he was right the first time," said Ikkaku thoughtfully.

Shuuhei ignored him and returned his attention to the red-head. "You said two birds with one stone?"

"Birds too?" asked Kira. "Geez, I still haven't seen the duck."

Renji slapped him across the back of the head as he spoke, "Easy. Number two. 'Loosen what is tight.' Who's tighter than Kuchiki? He's as tight as they can get and I know just how to loosen him up. Those ladies aren't going to know what hit them."

"None of this is very original," complained Yumichika.

"Maybe not, but it gets two of the tasks done, doesn't it?" asked Renji.

"I suppose, but it's more fun to drag it out for awhile. Make it more of a real quest, you know?"

"A quest needs some danger, right? Messing with Kuchiki? What's more dangerous than that?"

Ikkaku answered, "Messing with Kenpachi."

"Debatable," said Renji dismissively. "This is going to be a blast!"

Hisagi wondered when his friend had become so reckless. "Okay, it's your neck, Abarai, but how are you…"

Shuuhei was interrupted by Ikkaku pointing towards the door. "Look, the garbage guy left the back door open. Let's ride, Cowboys. We got some caterers to round up!" Ikkaku darted through the bushes. Yumichika and Renji followed before Shuuhei could react.

He looked at Kira, "Remind me why we're breaking into Kuchiki's house again."

Kira patted him on his back, "For Nanao, Shuuhei, for your destiny with Nanao."

"I hardly even know the girl."

"Doesn't matter, my friend." Kira picked a fragrant red rose from one of Byakuya's prized rosebushes. "Give her this. She's your destiny, Shuuhei. Embrace it. Now let's go before Ikkaku lifts off the ground from waving his arms so much. And let me know if you see that duck again."

Within minutes, the caterers of the Rukongai Catering Company were unceremoniously stuffed into a small lockable pantry by the male Shinigami of the Seireitei.

"Okay, everybody take a coat, an apron and one of those funny looking muffin hats," Renji ordered.

"Toque, you unsophisticated baboon," Yumichika corrected.

"Toque, take. Whatever. Everybody take...I mean, toque…just grab a muffin hat."

"It's not a muffin hat. It's called a toque!"

Renji, confused, looked at Yumichika, "Oh, then everybody take a toque."

"We don't do that kind of stuff here," joked Ikkaku, pretending to puff on a celery stalk.

"What?"

Ikkaku slapped his forehead. "You're hopeless. Go join the blond."

Yumichika sang mockingly, "I tawt I taw a puddy tat. Naw, it was just Renji taking a toak in the tub."

His patience at an end, Renji yelled, "Will you put the damn hats on and get with the program? We gotta serve this stuff soon and it ain't ready. Here's a box labeled…what the? What the hell is a 'falla-fell'?" asked Renji.

"It's 'fa-LA-fel,' stupid!" corrected Yumichika.

"It looks awful too," said Renji, peering into the box.

Kira looked around at the organized mess in the kitchen. "I think we should have waited until all of these little sandwiches and appetizer thingies on a stick were put together. Cocktail weenies would be easier to serve."

Ikkaku pushed him out of the way. "But not as much fun. Don't worry. Ikkaku, slicer and dicer extraordinaire will finish the task. Just don't get in the way. You might lose a limb." Pulling out two sharp and deadly blades, Ikkaku's knife skills were lethal to the vegetables and pastries on the counter. "Hooriyah, hooriyah, hooriyah!" he screamed as his arms flailed and veggies flew through the air. (1) The knives whizzed across the counter, chopping and mincing, cubing and filleting. Skewers filled like magic as the noisy display continued.

From his post by the doorway into the banquet hall, Shuuhei could look out at the crowd of women in the next room. He located Nanao and studied her slender back. My destiny, huh? It might not be too bad at that, he thought to himself, patting the rose in his pocket. He was roused from his musings by the approach of a man in black. "Hide your faces," hissed Hisagi. "Byakuya's on his way."

All of the men hunched down into their shoulders, staring at the floor, not daring to look up in case Byakuya recognized them and the jig was up.

He sailed through the door, "Caterer, is everything all right here? We can hear some noise."

"Just fine, Sir," said Ikkaku, using a deep baritone voice.

"You're late in serving by two minutes. Your pay will be docked for every minute that this continues. The noise and the delay in serving are both inexcusable. My guests are being inconvenienced. I will speak to your boss and have you all fired. Now, hop to!"

"Yes, Sir," answered Ikkaku, head still bowed.

Hisagi held the door open and Byakuya passed through without a word.

"I held the door for him. He didn't even thank me," he joked.

"You're just a servant to him. Why should he?" said Renji, a slight edge tingeing his voice.

"Man, what a 'tude. I wanted to skewer him… just a little, you know what I mean?" Ikkaku pointed a skewer in front of him and twisted it slowly.

"That was close," said Kira. "Ikkaku, is everything ready?"

"Yeah, let's serve this high class dog food."

"What is it with you and dogs today?" asked Hisagi, looking at his feet.

"Remember, Byakuya's mine," said Renji. "I want to give Rukia and the girls a bachelorette party they won't soon forget."

Trays in hand, toques pulled low over their eyes, four male Shinigami headed out to cater to the weaker sex, although nobody quite believed that.

As Byakuya Kuchiki gracefully exited the kitchen and returned to his place of importance, Rangiku watched him, lasciviously licking her lips. "I wouldn't mind seeing that stripped down to Underoos."

"Rangiku!" cried Rukia in horror. She scolded her in a hushed voice, "That's my brother you're talking about!"

"Oh, come on, Rukia, only by marriage, and he's a good-looking man, even if he is wound too tight."

"I do get little palpitations when I give him his yearly exam," blushed Unohana.

"Captain!" exclaimed Isane.

"It's all very professional, Isane, but I am a woman too, you know."

"He's out of my league anyway," sighed Rangiku. "Gin was the man for me, I'm afraid."

"A little weenie, Miss?" asked the blond caterer, smiling wickedly and holding a tray in front of her.

"I prefer a big skewer," said Rangiku innocently, pointing towards another tray of food.

"Of course, you would," smiled the second caterer, other wise known as Yumichika, holding the other tray. "Isn't that always the way?"

"Excuse me?" asked a startled Rangiku.

"Nothing, dear, eat your skewer." Yumichika walked away, leaving the tray behind.

"Well, at least, he left the tray," she sighed.

At the other end of the table, Ikkaku and Hisagi went about serving the other ladies. Hisagi had to step in several times when Ikkaku confronted any lady who complained about the food.

"Ungrateful old prunes! You try serving up platters of food in under five minutes and see where it gets you." He pointed a finger at them as Hisagi moved him away.

"We're supposed to be keeping a low profile, remember?"

"Lazy caterers should o' had everything ready when we got there. But no, I had to bust my butt to do their work!" he complained.

"We didn't exactly tell them we were coming. Now will you calm down already? You'll blow our cover." Shuuhei pushed him along.

"Fine, next time, I'm serving fish sticks," grumped Ikkaku, picking up a fresh tray of food.

Renji, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen, but it didn't mean that he hadn't been busy. Preparations were underway for his captain's surprise. He had been in the garden for a time and had then returned to the kitchen, guarding the jar in his hands zealously. Low to the floor, he crept out of the kitchen, dove under the table at an empty spot, and worked his way to the end of the table near where Byakuya's throne was positioned.

"Ah, my little beauties," he said, "Soon. Soon."

A/N (1) Copy and paste bcollie9./art/Ikkaku-Slicer-and-Dicer-Color-90613389 for DolphinWhisperer's drawing of "Ikkaku, Slicer and Dicer Extraordinaire. IN COLOR! I love this! Sidenote: I can't seem to save the URL correctly, so please add 'deviant art dot com' (no spaces) after 'bcollie9.'