A/N: Uh-oh Pattyheartcake! Here's the moment you've been waiting for…Renesmee is about to learn about Jacob and Bella's past! :o
"What did I do!" Jacob yelled, throwing his hands up in frustration. I racked both hands down my face and through my hair.
We'd done nothing but argue, it sometimes seemed like. I couldn't even remember what we'd been fighting about in the first place. All I remembered was that I was pissed.
I swiveled in my chair to look at him for a minute. "Just don't talk to me. Can you do that?"
"What did I do! What?" he asked, coming to stand in the kitchen where my chair was facing. "Was it something that I said?"
"No!" I screamed, throwing my hands up just like he had. "It's what you didn't say, Jacob! God, you understand everything about me, but how to respond to me"
"What! You said whatever. That means the conversation is done."
"No! Whatever means I want you to get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then get eaten by it! Not that the conversation is over! If I wanted the conversation to end I would have said shut up." I screamed then huffed a sigh.
I looked at Jacob's confused face as he stared at me, then we both cracked up laughing.
"You have got to be kidding me." he teased as we laughed.
He touched my shoulder and I moved away saying, "Don't touch me." but letting him hug my shoulders a second latter.
"You're lucky I love you."
"Oh, yeah? Why?"
"Because if I didn't, I wouldn't put up with your crap while deep down, I know I'm right." I said confidently and Jacob just about peed himself with laughter.
"Put up with my crap? Oh, that's a good one, Ness."
"Shut up!" I said, turning and smacking his chest. "You have crap, boy!"
"Not nearly as much crap as you! I mean, for God sake you can't even you use the word whatever the way it was originally intended."
…And we were off yelling again.
"Really! Really, Jake? You're going to pull that out?" I yelled, jumping from my chair.
Jake nodded. "Yes…that's why I said it."
"Ugh!" I growled, shoving his chest away. "I hate you!"
"Mmhmm, yeah I believe that." he said sarcastically and I growled louder, storming past him as I paced around the room furiously.
"I do! I hate you!" I screeched, throwing his bed pillow at him. It ricocheted off his face and crashed onto the counter, where it knocked over a bunch of Jake's plastic cups.
"Mmhmm, you're not very convincing here, Ness." he challenged, not even bothering to look at the mess I'd made. He stared me down, a teasing grin on his face.
I smiled sadistically at him. "Fine! Then I'll just leave! And you can have this back!" I shouted, trying to wiggle my engagement ring off my finger. He laughed.
"You're going to pull that on me? You're going to throw your ring at me? Really?"
"Yes…that's why I said it." I repeated what he'd said to me. He moved blindingly fast as he picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder. I let out a long laughing scream.
He tossed me down on the bed, landing on top of me. I reached up, trying to hit him but he growled as he restrained my hands. By the wrists, he pinned my arms to my side and used his crushing weight to pin me to the bed as I screamed and laughed.
"Ouch! Stop! Stop!" I screamed, thrashing against him with all my might. But it did no good. Jake overpowered me with very little effort.
"Take it back." he demanded, leaning on me. I screamed out and laughed at the same time.
"NO!"
"Take it back, Renesmee!"
"NEVER!" I screamed and he pressed more weight on me. I was starting to loose my breath and he chuckled as I started to gasp.
"Take it back."
"Okay! OKAY! I take it back!"
"Say you love me." he commanded, taking some of his weight off me.
"I love you!" I screamed and when he let go I said, "You jack ass!" and ran. He jumped from the bed and ran after me, grabbing me again before I even got to the couch.
"What?" he demanded, holding me from behind as I squirmed. "What did you call me?"
"Just your name." I retorted with laughter but he ran his hands up and down my ribs and I screamed. I was far too ticklish to tease Jake.
He opened his mouth to say something but we both stopped short when a quiet knock sounded on the front door. We righted ourselves before Jake opened the door while I stood slightly behind him. A small, older gentleman stood on the other side of the door.
"Hello I'm Doug, I live next door. I just wanted to come over and say hello. I never got a chance to meet you both when you first moved in then my wife said I would be bugging you." Doug said, holding his hand out to Jacob. "I hope I wasn't bothering you both!"
"No, of course not. I'm Jacob, this is Renesmee. Would you like to come in?" Jacob replied easily, motioning to the house. Doug was already shaking his head though.
"Oh that's not necessary. I certainly wouldn't want to encroach. I just wanted to come say hello to the newlyweds." Doug replied almost immediately.
Jake and I enhanced glances. "Excuse me?" Jacob asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy.
"Oh it's just that my wife and I can hear you both over here fighting all the time. Are you not married? I just assumed…since you remind me of my wife and I when we were first married." Doug replied and Jacob just chuckled.
"We're engaged, but I'll take that as a sign it will work?" he asked and Doug laughed.
"Yes, I'm sure it will." he said, smiling at me before turning away. "Well, I better get back to my wife before you hear me yelling through the walls." I blushed but Doug just smiled, seeming not to mind my yelling earlier. "It was nice to meet you both."
We waved as Doug disappeared but as soon as Jake had the door shut again I busted into a fit of laughter. "We fight like a married couple." I complained teasingly and Jake laughed with me, brushing loose ringlet behind my ear.
"I'm not sure how to take that." he replied, complexly. I shrugged, turning to grab my coat and purse off the couch where I'd thrown them when I'd come over earlier that day. I wasn't entirely sure why I'd bothered taken my purse- considering I usually stuck my wallet in my back pocket and carried my keys- but I was glad I had.
"Take me out to dinner, then." I said flippantly, slipping each arm into the sleeves of the pea coat I'd found on the coat rack yesterday. I imagine Alice had bought it for me; especially considering she was very obviously disgusted by the condition of my tan leather jacket.
"How exactly do those two things correlate in your mind?" Jacob asked as he too grabbed a jacket and the keys to the Impala. He walked me out of the room, flipping off the overhead light as he left. He made sure to lock each of the three locks before walking me down the hall, holding my hand.
"I don't know. I'm hungry." I teased with a giggle as we walked out of the building. Jacob laughed at me, holding the passenger side door to the Impala open for me.
"Your something else, Mrs. Black." he teased, kissing me quick before closing the door and going around to the driver side door and getting in. We drove, holding hands over the middle seat.
Dinner was quiet as I was reminded of all the reasons I didn't deserve to live. After yelling at Jake for nothing at all, he's willingly took me to dinner and kissed me like I was the only girl he ever loved- and ever would love.
Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel like a monster.
I tried not to act differently towards anyone and it worked for a whole week. I went to school, did my homework and I hung out with Anna. Dad had lifted any punishment and I thought it might have something to do with my thoughts- as self deprecatory as they were. But other then Dad, no one noticed. Except Jacob.
He watched me- scrutinizing- almost all the time and at night when I let my guard down and dropped the show I would cry hard. Jake saw that when no one else did. And finally he confronted it.
"Okay, that's it." he said sternly, turning my shoulders to face him as we stood in my bedroom two weeks after I'd last seen Lonni- when we'd kissed. "What the hell is going on with you, Ness?"
"I…don't know what your t-talking about." I stammered in a weak whisper. My hands shook and a sheen of sweat formed on my forehead. Here it comes, I thought. The onslaught of anger and pain. Jake was going to leave me.
"Like hell you don't." he yelled then took a deep breath to calm himself. "Tell me, baby."
A tear slid down my cheek. "I can't." I whispered.
"Why not? Babe you can tell me anything." he replied, tenderly capturing my tears in his fingers. But they continued to fall around his fingers.
"Because you'll hate me."
"I won't ever hate you, Renesmee. Not if I live a thousand years." he said sternly, taking my face in his hands. "I could never have any feelings but love for you. Please tell me what's going on. Baby please. Tell me." he begged and I cracked.
I put distance between us before I spoke. I knew Jake would never hurt me no matter what I did to him. But I also knew he would be hurt and angry. And a mix of those emotions usually left him towering over me in a furry version of my Jacob.
I spoke slowly at first, telling him how Daddy had "grounded" me for speaking up in class, then how Lonni and I had left the house together to get away from it all. Jacob's shoulders tensed and I could see in his eyes that he knew what was coming next. When I finally spoke the words aloud, they were rushed and bitter with tears. I told Jacob something that I thought I'd never have to tell him. I spoke the words I thought I could hold in forever.
"Jacob," I said in a rush. "I kissed Lonni."
Jacob froze for a long time, just staring at me. There was no emotion on his face and he didn't move at all; not even to shake. He looked in control for a moment. Then emotion registered on his face and I took a step back. Jacob was livid.
"Jake, I'm so sorry!" I couldn't stress that enough. "I feel so stupid. He got to me when I wasn't feeling good and…I don't know. I guess maybe a part of me liked him but it's not enough. It would never be enough. Because I love you, Jacob, I love you and no one else. I hate myself for what I did!" I cried like I did when Lonni first kissed me. But Jake wasn't moving or saying anything.
"Are you mad?" I asked, feeling stupid. I wanted to smack a hand to my forehead. "Of course you're mad. Just ignore me. I don't exist."
"Would you stop talking, Renesmee?" Jacob said over me then chuckled. I didn't say anything for a long minute as he composed himself. We stood in silence for a long time but when he did say something, it confused me.
"Who…initiated the kiss?" he asked, his tone was both disdainful and sad at the same time.
"What?" I asked, confused as hell and Jacob racked a hand down his face, as if I frustrated him. Which, I couldn't blame him for.
"Who initiated the kiss? You or Lonni?" he asked again and I thought about it for a second.
"Well, Lonni did, I suppose. But why does-" I replied but before I could finish Jacob was gone. He left the room faster then I thought possible and I couldn't help but follow.
"Jake where are you going?" I shouted as I followed him outside. He went for the woods, anger practically seeping from his skin.
"I'm going to fix this. Stay here," he said, turning to kiss my forehead. It registered then, that Jake wasn't mad at me at all. But that couldn't be possible…
"What?" I asked in disbelief and confusion as he turned away again. He looked at me easily, touching my cheek lightly.
"Why must you be so self-deprecating?" he asked rhetorically and easily. "I am not mad at you, love. He kissed you first."
"But….I kissed him back, Jake. I kissed Lonni back after he kissed me first." I said and Jacob flinched at my words, wincing.
"I can't blame you for that, Ness. Anyone would have." he dismissed. "But I can blame somebody." he said then turned back towards the woods. Then I caught on.
"You won't be able to-" I was about to tell Jake that Lonni was long gone. But I was proven wrong when Lonni showed up at the edge of the trees. He looked like hell.
"Hello, Jacob. I suppose you know?" Lonni said as he came into the yard. Suddenly my whole family was standing outside with all of us. Jacob started to shake and Lonni smiled teasingly at him.
"Yeah I know. I was just going to find you." Jacob replied as he convulsed violently.
"Were you?"
"Yes. I wanted to know why way you wanted to die." Jacob threatened darkly but Lonni seemed utterly unfazed. In fact he chuckled.
"Sure, dog, go ahead and give me your best. We'll see who ends up on top." Lonni replied and I flung myself between them, scared they might actually fight.
"Both of you stop! No fighting!" I yelled as I pushed against Jake's chest as he leaned forward into a crouch.
"Move aside, Ness." Jacob said, scooting me behind him with one hand on my hip.
"Listen to Jacob, Renesmee. I don't want you involved in this." Lonni commanded as he walked the extra two steps into the yard. They both crouched in defense. I desperately tried to stop them, ignoring both of their requests.
"Please stop you guys! Please!" I yelled but neither listened. A growl escaped Jacob's lips.
"Jacob stop!" Mama yelled as she pounced off the steps. She grabbed Jacob by the arm and restrained him, forcing him backwards. "Don't do this, Jacob. Let it go."
"No," he told her sternly but she persisted. She stood directly in front of him, pushing against his chest, just as I had.
"Jacob Black back off." she ordered, stricter then I'd ever heard her before. "It's a game, Jacob, just like it was with Edward. You didn't fight fair so why should he?" she said- baffling me but stopping Jacob short. He turned to look at her and so she continued.
"You know what I'm talking about, Jake. Time for you to take the high road." she murmured, her voice lowering but it held a kind of tone I wasn't sure I recognized. It was like she was lost in some memory. I was so confused.
"He-"
"So did you." she said and his shaking stopped. His face fell. "It was a kiss. Just a kiss. Different…" she whispered, touching his cheek.
Everyone was focused on Jacob and Mama so no one noticed Lonni getting closer to me. But I whipped around in time to black his hand from reaching out to me. I slapped it away viciously. He meant to touch my hand, but this obviously wasn't the right time.
Jacob was between us in a second, pushing Lonni away and pushing me behind him. "I may not fight you leech, but you better back off." Jacob seethed through clenched teeth as he stood in my defense.
Lonni looked to me, trying to get my attention. "Just leave," I whispered behind Jacob. Lonni's eyes popped wide for a second then his whole face fell. Common decency screamed for me to say I'm sorry or at least give him a reason. But I didn't. I stayed behind Jacob as I watched Lonni fall into depression.
"Please, Renesmee, at least give me a fighting chance here." Lonni pleaded, holding his hand out to me in an open invitation. I shook my head.
"Your not ready." I said, taking a deep breath. I touched Jacob's arm- to tell him I could handle it- before moving in front of Lonni. "Are you ready to fight for me, Lonni? Are you ready to die for me; live and breath for me? Because that's what it would take. That's what Jacob does every single day." I peeked back at Jake out of the corner of my eye for a second and his expression confirmed that.
"I'll do anything for you." Lonni promised, looking completely sincere.
"Its not fair to ask you to give up everything, just for me."
"But its okay for him to?" Lonni retorted angrily, jabbing a finger at Jacob. And I flinched; that happened to be my weakness. Because I felt like a complete asshole for letting Jacob give up so much for me. But I'm entirely selfish.
"That's what love is, Lonni. You give a lot and take a little; and in the end you end up with an even share. It could never be even with us, Lonni, because- even if I possess the ability to love anyone else, which is something I doubt- I'll always love Jacob. I've given him my heart already; its not okay with me to try and give it to you as well."
I took a timid step forward and touched Lonni's cheek. "Make this easier on us both, Lonni, and don't come back. I'll never forget, and I know you won't either, but we have to be grown ups about this." As much as it killed him, Lonni slowly nodded.
"For the record, mutt," he said over my shoulder to Jacob. "This isn't me letting her go. This is me letting her have what she wants. And if I so much as think you've hurt her in anyway- and I will be keeping tabs on you- don't doubt my willingness to kill you."
"I wouldn't fight." Jacob agreed grudgingly.
Lonni turned back to me, half smiling. He touched my cheek just as I had but he took my face in his hands then. Almost as light as the first time, Lonni pressed his lips to mine.
Then he was gone.
He didn't say anything, just disappeared into the trees. Big fat tears welled up in my eyes but I held them in. I couldn't change anything now, and I knew this was for the better- of everyone. Because as much as I care for Lonni, he was a problem. And we had enough problems.
For one, I was completely lost as to what had just happened between Mama and Jacob.
I stifled my tears, manning up and getting over it as best as possible, and turned to my family.
"Someone needs to explain this to me. I don't care if it's a bad time; I want to know." I said sternly, looking to everyone in my family. They all looked at me quizzically…well except for Dad. "Now." I demanded when no one stepped forward.
"Now is better then any other time." Daddy allowed and lead everyone into the living room where we all sat; Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, Esme and Carlisle across the room in chairs; Dad, Mom, and Jacob in front of me on the couch. I took a deep breath and they began. Starting from the beginning.
Jacob's POV
Nessie sat stock still for what seemed like hours after we were done telling her everything. We didn't leave a thing out and slowly, I began to worry if she was still breathing; all she did was stare. But she wasn't looking at anything in particular. She was just staring. Off into space like that was the only place she could go to get away from the lies.
Something unrecognizable flashed in Nessie's eyes and life slowly returned to her face. But it was frozen in a sad expression. No, scratch that. It wasn't a sad expression. It was absolutely miserably depressed. I wanted to reach out to her and take her in my arms and make it all go away for her but I needed to wait until she was responsive again. I needed to wait a minute before I could comfort her.
She tilted her head to look at Bella, then Edward. She avoided me though and look down to the floor for another minute. Everyone in the room was leaning forward in their chairs, anticipating her reaction. Everyone except for Jasper.
That's when I remembered he could read her emotions. I looked to him but immediately wished I hadn't. The blond vamp's face was pinched in this terrible way that meant one thing; Nessie was miserable. I wouldn't allow myself to look at Edward.
"Renesmee?" Rosalie finally asked and when Nessie looked up to her with those sad eyes, Rosalie couldn't help but move to sit next to her. "Honey?" Rose whispered as she took a seat next to Nessie. "What are you thinking?"
There was a very ominous silence that filled the room as Nessie considered this. Then she finally looked up and said, "I don't know. It's a lot." in a flat monotone.
"We're so sorry we hadn't told you earlier, dear. We were-" Bella began but Nessie cut her off.
"Just waiting for the right time. I get it. Its okay." she whispered with a pathetic smile. But her eyes were sincere. She did understand it. She understood that we were all waiting for the perfect time. We were waiting until she was ready.
"Do you want to talk about it more?" Edward asked and Nessie thought for a second then began shaking her head.
"No, I just want to go upstairs." We all knew that meant she wanted to be alone and think. She rose from the couch and we all did in response. I caught her eye for just a split second as she moved around the coffee table and in response a few tears slid down her cheeks.
It hit me then that she'd been fighting tears the whole time. I couldn't resist putting my arms around her and stopping her from running away from us all. I would be able to comfort her; she needed me to cry on. If she was going to go through this the hard way, then she was going to need me around. But what I got instead was a reaction I didn't see coming.
Edward and Jasper both tensed at the same time as Edward whispered "Jacob, don't-" but didn't get it out in time.
Nessie pushed against me with what seemed like all her might. Really, she shoved me away angrily as more tears flowed from her eyes. I took another step forward, prepared to hold her through this hard time but she pushed me away again, shouting, "Jake stop!" at me. I froze.
Alice and Rosalie were suddenly standing behind Renesmee in an instant. Ready to help in any way possible to defuse the situation as fast as possible.
"Ness-" I whispered brokenly but she cut me off.
"Don't call me that." she whispered, swiping at her tears. "You lied to me, Jake. You lied right to my face."
"No, honey, I didn't-" Instinctively I put my arms out to her again but wasn't surprised when she shoved them away.
"I asked you, to your face, if you'd ever loved anyone else before me and you said no, Jake. You lied to my face." she whispered and thus provoked a reaction from everyone of her family members.
It was obvious Alice, Rosalie and the guys took Nessie's side in being angry at me but Bella seemed a tad indifferent. I wasn't sure why.
"No, you asked if I'd loved anyone like I love you. It's different." I tried defending but my Nessie pushed past me angrily. I followed after her as she stalked to the staircase. I stopped her with a hand on her arm at the bottom of the stairs- she, of course, pulled her arm free.
"You are my life, Renesmee Cullen." I said to her, my eyes pleading with her to forgive me. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you." I was hoping so thoroughly she would understand. Understand that I didn't lie.
She stared at me, staring into my eyes with a flat expression for what seemed like an eternity. But all emotion wasn't completely wiped from her face for she was still mad and her face was apathetic.
"How much did you love her?" she asked in that damn flat monotone that was like a chainsaw to my heart.
"I-we…I-" I stammered like an idiot and she cut me off again.
"You were willing to give up your life for her. How many times have you said that to me?" she whispered, making her point clear and convincing. She turned back around and took another step up the staircase but I stopped her again.
"That's different, Nessie." I begged as she pulled her arm away again. She looked over my head at Bella for a second before looking me in the eye again.
That monotone came out again as she said, "Yeah, it is different. You aren't made to love her. It was willing. Me, I'm just your imprint. You have no choice." and turned around again. I wanted to yell at her, hit her and hug her all at the same time. How could she say something like that?
"We've talked about this, Renesmee. I would love you, even if I weren't a werewolf. I would love you no matter what. If the world ended, I'd die still loving you." I murmured without moving from the bottom step. She froze, angling her body to me.
"And you'll love her forever as well." was all she whispered with conviction in her eyes, before turning back around and walking the last three steps upstairs- three steps that effectively stabbed a hole in our relationship but also in my heart.
Alice danced up next to me. "Alice!" Nessie called in a cracked voice right after her bedroom door slammed shut. Alice looked at me with sympathetic eyes before flitting up the stairs to help her niece; Rosalie close in toe.
I don't remember anything after that. The only things that registered in my subconscious was my body crumbling and Bella's familiar hands holding me to her as I let the pain consume me. It was worse then I thought it would be. Much worse then I every thought it could be.
My world didn't just come to a halt but instead crashed in a heap of burning ash. Nothing mattered to me; not a thing. I could pretty much just go off myself and I wouldn't care one bit. Nessie wouldn't care.