Please don't kill me.
I tried, I really tried to get to the Cullens, but Jasper and Alice had other ideas. This chapter became a monster, and I needed to cut it in half. The plus side to this is that the next chapter will be posted within a few days. This is only from Jasper's point of view – the explanation for that is below.
If you ever have a chance, be sure to thank Remylebeauishot, Mistral123, and Vanessa James! They slogged through thousands of words to help me fix this chapter. Seriously, they deserve medals. I love you ladies!!
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. I own the original characters and an ancient laptop that died while I was on vacation (which explains why this was so late in posting).
Jasper
For the first time in my immortal existence, I had no idea what day it was. For the first time, I couldn't care less.
Alice was laying over me, her hands running lazily down my arms as we slowly returned from the intoxicating oblivion of our lovemaking. Nothing in my experience could have prepared me for the sensation of losing myself in her love. When we had finally come together, the strength of our emotions and the feel of our physical love wholly engulfed us both. We would tumble through a wave of passion only to be swept into a pool of joy after the physical act was complete. The tidal shifts continued to roll over us until the physical and emotional acts came together in perfect harmony, bathing our minds in colors so bright and intense they outshone my memory of the sun.
My body could have gone on like this for days, perhaps weeks or longer, never tiring of the feel of Alice. However, I was blissfully emotionally spent, and I could feel the same in Alice. Besides, my throat burned.
I swallowed in an automatic, but useless, attempt to ease the burn. Alice felt it, and moved her body so that she could face me. The feel of her skin against me, of the shift in her subtle curves as she drew herself up to look at me, nearly drove me back into the lustful madness from which I had just emerged. Truthfully, I would happily sink back into that state.
Alice's beautiful face engulfed my view as she looked at me curiously. I smiled automatically at seeing her face. Even though we hadn't disentangled from each other in several days, every time I caught a glimpse of her exquisite beauty, it was like the first time I saw her and knew she was for me. The same rush of love, breathlessly new and exciting, ran through me.
"You feel different," she said out of the blue.
I chuckled at her odd statement. "You've been feeling me for quite a while now. What is different about now?" To make my point, I grabbed her arms and pushed her up and down along my body. She giggled and kissed me when I pulled her back up, and I promised myself to do that again. The feeling of her sliding over me like that was positively invigorating.
"You know, I have baby oil in the car. We should do that again with the oil," she mused as she cocked her head to look at me again.
"Dear God, woman, I love you."
She laughed again, the pure notes strengthening my already happy mood. When she looked at me again, it was with serious eyes. "You are different, Jasper."
"I know," I said as I brushed her wildly tangled hair out of her eyes.
"It's like the jagged edges of you have been worn away. You seem…" She pursed her lips and struggled for words. "You seem softer now, like a quiet mist over a smooth lake. There is a peace within you that's real, not something you manufactured. It makes you even more beautiful."
"More beautiful?" My hands traced the features of her face. She looked at me as if I was an angel and not the gargoyle I had been forced to become. You couldn't make something more of what wasn't there in the first place. My hands traced along her neck and dropped to slide down her back. "You did this to me, Beloved. When you gave yourself to me, trusted me with everything you are, it changed me. I feel it too."
"I'm not the same either."
"No, you're not."
"I feel so sorry for all those other vampires who think they know what love is," she said with a sigh.
"Sorry for them?"
"Yep. They have no idea what they are missing. They don't get to love you." Alice punctuated her sentence with a kiss on my shoulder.
"Most vampires wouldn't really think I was much of a catch. Especially the males."
Her giggle did wonderful things to her body as it lay over me, and I stopped her talking to kiss her hard.
She was quite serious, and she really did feel pity for them. Although it defied everything I believed about myself, she considered herself the most fortunate vampire on earth. I felt a surge of pride at that.
"No woman has ever been more thoroughly loved than me. I'm quite sure of that," she said as she broke away. My pride grew that much more.
"Are you sure of that? Because I'm willing to try harder. We need to be sure of these things," I said, my voice more purr than words. She giggled again, and I raked my fingers down her side, causing her to squeal and ball up. The whole ticklish thing was becoming one of my favorite weaknesses. Suddenly, she was all over me, kissing my face and body at vampire speed. My little pixie threw herself into loving me with as much rambunctious energy as she did everything else. More, actually.
A loud crack outside brought me out of our joyful lovemaking, and I was instantly at the window trying to find the source of the noise.
"Moose," Alice said lazily from the bed at the same moment as the creature walked into view. I relaxed a little, but the false alarm brought up a thought that I cursed myself for not realizing earlier.
"Do the New York covens know of this place?"
"They have never been here, but they know of it."
"We should leave," I said with finality. If they knew of it, they might try to find it. I shook my head at my own stupidity. I should have thought of this. They could have easily attacked while we were locked in each other's arms.
"They aren't coming," Alice said with the same finality in her tone. I turned to look at her, and saw her smiling at me, eyes wide with wonder. The crystal of my skin caused thousands of tiny rainbows to sparkle across the room and play across her face.
"This is my vision," she whispered
"You saw me standing here?"
"Uh-huh. You are just so beautiful Jasper. I saw this in the lake, right before you came to me. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever foreseen, but it really didn't do you justice."
"You saw me looking at a moose, but didn't see us in bed? How did you miss the first part? For a seer, you don't catch the important things very well."
"I think I couldn't see past the fish. I really do hate fish." I watched her laugh, sprawled across our bed, and felt the peace of completeness fill me. She truly had changed me.
Then I looked around the room.
The bed had twisted off its base, and each of the four legs now leaned at odd angles. The bolts had been sheered off, and poked from the floor like mangled teeth. Shredded bed linens and what were possibly once pillows littered the floor in a pattern that resembled a bomb's blast.
We had nearly destroyed the place.
I was so proud I could have burst.
"Oh my," Alice said in awe. We looked to each other, and she covered her gaping mouth with her hands and giggled. "I can't believe we did this."
"I can."
She scrambled from the bed and let out a yip when she saw her hair. She tried patting the upright mass, but it just popped back up.
"You could have told me I look like this," she scolded.
I laughed again, totally at ease with her. "You are beautiful. Besides, I think it looks cute on you." I looked at her annoyed face and held back the chuckle that threatened to break out. That would only get me into trouble. The red was nearly gone from her eyes, and the burn had returned to my throat.
"What day is it, anyway?" asked Alice as she broke a comb in her hair.
"I have no idea."
"That's weird. Normally, I know how many seconds pass, but I have no clue how long we've been here. That's really... incredible." She smiled mischievously. Again, a surge of pride swept through me. "We need to hunt, though, so it must have been more than seven days." She stood and made her way to the door.
I leapt in front of her, blocking her way, and pulled her into my arms.
"Where exactly are you going?"
"To get hunting clothes," she said with exasperation. "You don't expect me to hunt naked, do you?"
I raised an eyebrow.
"Jasper Whitlock!"
The other eyebrow went up.
"You can't be serious."
The right side of my mouth went up.
"You are such a man," she huffed.
"Yes, ma'am."
She turned her head to the side and looked at me before she went blank. It only lasted a moment, but when she came back, she did so with a gasp. "Oh!" She covered her mouth and looked at me with round eyes.
"So -- what shall we do until nighttime?" she finally asked, having seen the inevitability of my plan.
My drawl was long and lazy. "Well, you did mention something about baby oil..."
***
I understood numbers one through four, but after that, I was at a total loss as to what I was looking at. No matter how long I stared at the bamboo scroll, the figures on it refused to look like the humans Alice said they were. I turned the thing on its side, thinking that one figure looked a bit like a man doing push-ups that way, but none of the diagrams formed anything that resembled bodies, at least not normal ones. Except for number thirty-seven. I could make out the body, but I was absolutely sure neither human nor vampire could do that.
"I don't see how this works," I huffed. I hated admitting defeat.
Alice smiled and righted the scroll. "I'll do number thirteen. I really want to try it. Once you see it, I think the other ones will come into focus for you." She lithely stood in the robe that covered her drying body. Her hair was still wet from the bubble bath after our hunt.
I had dutifully eaten, but remained woefully unsatisfied. The burn, normally gone after feeding on humans, still remained as a nagging reminder to the pleasure I hadn't felt. Alice promised to make up for the lack of taste in our meal and had brought in a suitcase full of things that she swore would make me happy.
She paused and looked at me coyly. Shy uncertainty flowed from her. I was mesmerized by her still hands holding the sash of her robe closed. There was something utterly alluring about her as she undressed for me.
"Alice, there is no reason for you to be shy, my love. I just watched you take down a bull moose, what else is there to see?" My tone was teasing, but the suspense was killing me. I really wanted to watch her remove that robe.
"Well," she said with a playful pout, "you haven't seen this." The robe fluttered to the ground, and she stood in the morning light clothed in the most delicate lacy thing I had ever seen. I felt my body tense in odd places, and I swallowed hard. I had no idea how it even stayed on her, but seeing her features tantalizingly hidden by something so sheer nearly reduced me to a puddle.
"Alice, I… um… wow."
"Do you like it?" she purred. Her smile was anything but innocent.
I tried to answer, but all I managed was an unintelligible gurgle. As a man of war, I had never really appreciated the deadly beauty of lace, but the flimsy stuff was a potent weapon on Alice's body.
She slinked away from me, and contorted her body on the floor in such a way as to cause the air in my lungs to escape in one whoosh as my body spontaneously contracted.
"Do you see it now? This is number thirteen." She looked back at my paralyzed form and laughingly wiggled her bottom. For just a moment, I was too shocked to move, but then she winked at me with an evil grin, and I was suddenly on her.
Dire enemy or not, I would be eternally grateful to Mai-Li.
***
May 17, 1948
I had no idea why, but the gilded mirror gave Alice immeasurable joy. She was standing before it, combing her hair when the vision hit, and I felt her flood with extreme happiness before returning to me. She had done this several times in the last few days, and it was becoming annoying.
Or maybe I was just annoyed at the timing. Or the utter nothingness of animal blood.
"Sorry," she said when she noticed my face. I hadn't hidden my annoyance very well.
"What is it you see in that?"
She sighed and shrugged before answering. "It's the family. I can see us with them."
"And that makes you happy?"
"It makes me happy because we are happy there."
"So the mirror helps you see the future?"
"No," she laughed. "I see the far future in it, yes, and we are with them. I don't need the mirror to do that, though. I see us with them no matter what future I look to."
I tried to keep the stab of raw jealousy at bay. She had told me of the family, of course, and we had talked of them several times. A large coven, so close that they were a family, that could protect us. They lived far from the city, but easily interacted with the humans in their area. They lived happy, peaceful lives. Regardless of how often Alice tried to tell me how wonderful they were, I couldn't help but feel angry and jealous toward them. I wasn't ready to share yet. I had just claimed her for my own, and I had no desire to share her with a family – especially one like Carlisle's. Her longing, though, was strong. She had obviously wanted to be with the family for a long time, and was more than ready to find them. I, however, wanted nothing more than to run far away and love Alice in the blissful place of exploding color and perfect wholeness that we had created for ourselves. I wanted to be enough for her.
"They won't care about your past, Jasper. They won't turn us away," she said as she came to sit on my lap in the third bedroom we had destroyed.
"How do you know that, Alice? Your teddy bears in New York ended up nearly destroying us. They were your friends for twenty years. You fought for them. Yet they turned on you and were willing to turn you over to the Volturi. How do you know that this family of yours won't do exactly the same thing?"
"I've seen them since I was a newborn, Jasper. They aren't like other vampires, not at all. They are like me, and we are meant to be with them. I know I was wrong about New York, but I'm not wrong about this. I know it."
"I can't let anyone hurt you, Alice. I just can't. Please understand that."
"They won't hurt us." She snuggled up under my chin, and I held her tight. "I don't want to leave this place," she murmured.
"Neither do I. I've never felt as happy as I have here. I finally feel alive in your arms, and I don't want it to change. We have to go, though." She had seen Ivan and Chi-Yang discussing coming for her. Neither of us could imagine them trying to ambush us, but the fact that they were even considering it meant that our time here was done. We both hated that.
"Jasper, please."
I took a long breath to hold back the fresh onslaught of jealousy. How could I share her now?
"This really is important to you?" She nodded, and I felt her vacillate between hope and anxiety. She truly desired this. She had asked me for nothing -- only that I love her -- and even now she hadn't come straight out to ask me to find the family. She only asked that I consider it. After all she had given me, all I had put her through, how could I deny her this?
"This is what you want?" I hoped she would say yes, so that I could give it to her. I hoped she would say no, so that I could keep her as my own.
Alice knew, of course why I asked. "What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid of losing you because I don't know if I can be good enough keep you." What words were there to explain the complex emotions I was feeling?
"Jasper, my love, I'm yours eternally. There is no possibility of leaving you." She took a breath. "I refuse to cause you pain. I only want to find them because I see them bring us safety and peace, but if you don't want to find them, we won't. I will always choose you. Always."
But her sadness belied her words, telling me exactly what that choice would cost her. She loved me enough to lose the one thing in the world she wanted. She would choose me above the vampires who were like her -- vampires so good that they loved like a family.
"Why?" I asked. I closed my eyes and tried to put into words what I barely understood. "Why do you call me beautiful? Why did you choose me? Why do you think I can be good like them?"
She traced the crescent markings of my evil. "Strength." She moved on to another. "Loyalty," and to another, "Perseverance," and to another, "Patience," and to my most recent, "Sacrificial Love. These aren't the markings of an evil man, my love. They are the markings of a good man who withstood the evil around him. You have greatness in you, Jasper, and I believe in you." Her eyes held an intensity that made the gold in them glow.
"And this... family... will see me like that?"
"Eventually. They need us as much as we need them."
I wrapped my arms around her, and breathed in her scent as if my entire existence depended upon it. Because it did. Then, I let out the breath, and latched onto her faith in me.
"Then it's time to find the Cullens."
***
June 1
Alice's eyes carried her sadness at my reaction. She truly enjoyed her meal of polar bear, but I couldn't really tell the difference. Even these great carnivores were onerous to drain, and I wondered if I would ever actually taste the blood I was now drinking. It all tasted like nothing. It felt like nothing. The absence of joyous ecstasy when I ate was becoming a heavier burden than I could endure.
"It will get better. It just takes time, Jasper," Alice said as she smiled at me. The concern radiating off of her told me more than her words that she, too, was despairing of my ability to abstain from human blood.
I fell back on the wet ground and tried to ignore the emptiness that engulfed me.
"I miss it too much," I said to the sky.
"You need to give yourself a chance. It's only been four weeks. Four weeks without feeling death, Jasper. That has to be worth something, and the burn will get better."
"I don't mind the burn so much." Compared to the injuries of constant battle, the burn was fairly minor, though it did wear on me. "I just didn't think I would miss it this much. The only joy I felt for eighty years, the only relief from the torture of my life, came when I drank. Yes, it nearly was my undoing... but now... it's all I can think about."
"We will find them, and Carlisle can help. I see it, Jasper. I know it will happen."
As her hand traced circles on my back, I tried to keep the dread I was feeling from reaching her. The last thing I wanted now was to meet up with this perfect family. The last thing I wanted to admit was needing help from a gentle vampire.
Finding a coven that wishes to be hidden is nearly impossible. If it hadn't been for Alice's visions, we would have never stood a chance. When we left the cabin, in a car so full of possessions that it kept scraping the rough road as we bounced along, the family had been somewhere white. We could only guess that it was Canada or Alaska. Alice thought she saw others of our kind with them in the vast acres of melting snow. It would take a while, but Alice would eventually find them. That was certain as death, as they say.
I cherished each day of our travels as one more day that I had Alice to myself. Each vision, each step, took us closer to the future I dreaded. Each feeding confirmed that I could never be the good man Alice saw. I could not be one of them.
I knew I was living on borrowed time.
***
June 28
I quietly cursed the Cullens and their constant need to move. They spent only a week or so in the snow covered land, and then Alice saw them clearly walking through a temperate forest. Temperate climates meant more humans, and more humans were sheer torture for me.
I crossed my arms tightly across my chest and tried to contain the feeling of emptiness that crushed me. Even now, I could feel the slight trembling that came whenever Alice was gone. The slight shaking wasn't entirely from missing her presence. Without her, I could barely contain the evil within me. The monster had been denied too long, and the need to feel the blood of humans rose in me so strong that I had to fight my body to keep it from finding my prey. I closed my eyes, cursed myself, and held on to the hope of her return.
"They aren't here, but they were," Alice laughed as she ran up to me. She leapt into my shaking arms, and I pulled her into my kiss. Her presence healed my ache as her happiness healed my mind. Without her here, I was lost. Without her, I had to fight my desire to find a human, minute by agonizing minute. It was a losing battle, and I knew it, but somehow with her in my arms, I could still hold on to the ghost of hope.
After a moment, I noticed a very pink package hanging from her arm.
"Alice?"
"Rochester has the cutest shops. I really need to go back there. Don't be mad, Jasper, this is a gift for you," she said, responding to my growl.
"I'm not wearing anything that comes out of a pink box."
"I said it's for you, not for you to wear. It's my own little way of celebrating." Her smile was coy again, and I blessed the humans I could no longer be around for creating the lace temptation that I hoped was in that box.
"They were here in the early 1930's, and left after changing Rosalie. I think we can cross off the area around New York. They wouldn't bring Rosalie back here so soon. We should make our way to Pennsylvania and look there until another vision comes. Guess what! I found Carlisle's medical license, Edward's car registration, and Rosalie's death certificate. Isn't that wonderful?"
"When do I get to open it?"
"Did you hear a word I said?"
"Yep, all sixty-three of them." I kept my eyes on the box. She was swinging it side to side, taunting me.
"Gah! You're incorrigible," she laughed. "Well, we might as well spend some time in these lovely woods since it will be a sunny day. Let's see..."
"There is a shaded glade one half mile to our east. It's full of lovely ferns that desperately need to be trampled," I suggested with what I hoped was a seductive smile.
"Ferns?"
"Don't knock it till you try it." I grabbed the bag from her, snapping the ribbon handle, and opened it to find that it held nothing inside.
"Where --"
"Search me?" she shrugged, and with a smile she darted off due east. "Catch me if you can."
I bolted after her, determined to search every inch of her to find those wisps of potent lace.
We spent the night driving to the hills and forests of Pennsylvania. Alice knew what to look for, but we simply didn't know where those things would be found. The family had moved to a hilly area covered in a thick, deciduous forest. She had seen Esme and Carlisle surveying a plot of land and discussing blueprints; apparently, Esme was going to build this home from the ground up. Rosalie commented about Emmett going to the town's college after his years of high school were over. So they were near a town that was large enough to house a college or university somewhere in a wet but temperate climate. That could be anywhere.
We headed due south of Rochester to the town of Williamsport. Our normal way of travel was to scout out a good place for me to wait while she went into town. So, we drove along rutted paths that were barely passable until we were deep enough in the forest that we could safely hunt and I could wait.
I felt utterly useless.
We exited the car and began our normal search for the nothingness of our meals. Although Alice only needed to hunt every seven days or so, we were hunting every three until I got used to the diet. It had been forty-seven days since I had last felt the joy of human blood, and the idea of hunting for animal blood disgusted me even more now than it had when I first tried it. Back then, I had a small hope that I could get used to the lack of taste, to the lack of ecstasy. Now I knew better. Now I knew that it would never be enough, and I could never be like Alice.
My desire for human blood was so strong that I began shaking shortly after we began our chase of a herd of white tails. Their powerfully pounding hearts should have piqued my hunter's senses, but they only turned my stomach. The herd split, and Alice went after the does, leaving the two larger bucks for me, but even as my senses homed in for the kill, my legs slowed.
I jogged on a bit more, but then stopped as the deer escaped. I didn't even watch them run; I looked at my trembling hands and tried to suppress the monster who demanded a human heartbeat.
I could endure the burn, and I could eat the tasteless warmth, but like a drunkard who needed his booze, I could not go without the feeling that human blood brought me. I had needed it for too long. I'd existed for that feeling, despite the pain it brought, and I couldn't go without it.
I forced my shaking legs to run as I tried to begin the hunt again, knowing that Alice would find me. I didn't want her to see me like this.
But just as I tried to focus on the scent of deer, another sense told me of the presence of humans. Ahead and to the right, so far that it was truly beyond my normal ability, someone was feeling fear. The monster roared up in me, and my mind focused now only on my kill.
I ran towards the fear with nothing more than instinct guiding me. The monster gloried in sweet anticipation of what awaited. All I knew was that I was finally filling the void that ate at me. Then I smelled the unmistakable scent of blood. The beast consumed me utterly, so that all I could do was think of the blood of my prey. I could now hear them, and then three figures were before me. All I knew was delight as my sight became crimson. The largest figure stood and tried to block me, so I ripped him from the ground, broke him over my knee and drank of him. The scent of blood was strong in the air, and amid the pain of fear and death, I dropped the body and turned to the smaller ones, roaring in victory.
Something grabbed me from behind, pulling me from my desire. Rage and the need to kill boiled within me as I turned to destroy the intruder. I grabbed at the arms, ducking and spinning under them. The other was screaming useless words at me, but I didn't care. Nothing would keep me from my human blood.
I twisted the other's arms violently behind and held them firm with my left hand while my right one wrapped around the neck. I could feel the fear emanate from the other, and again rejoiced in my victory. But there was something else, too. Something that was wrong and didn't belong here. Just as I began to pull at the head, the love reached the man underneath the monster, and Alice's scream of pain brought me to myself.
I whirled her around to face me, terrified at what I had done.
Her eyes were wide as her hands reached out to encompass my face. "They're children, Jasper. They're just children," she said between sobs.
I looked over at two young children who were screaming and hiding behind a tree. One child had fallen and was covered with bloody scratches. For that blood, I had killed their father in front of them.
For the taste of human blood, I had nearly killed my mate.
The monster had won.
I roared, letting all the loathing and evil out, and ran blindly through the woods until I came to a boarded up, foul smelling hole in the side of the hill. I dove in and ran the ink black length of the water logged mine until I came to its end. My lungs unnecessarily drew in the thick, poisonous air, and I heard rasping screams echo through the deathly stillness. It took a moment for me to realize that the screams were my own and the rough hitches in my breathing were sobs. I leaned heavily against the muddy wall and began beating against it, not caring about the filth. This black pit was a fitting place for me. Here at least, I could not harm anyone.
I felt Alice at the same time I heard her. Her sorrow and grief were palpable, even at a distance, and I hated myself all the more.
What ludicrous twist of fate had forced her to be bound to me?
"I know you won't believe me, but this is my fault, too."
I turned to the wall, pulling away from her outstretched hand. I felt her hurt, but I could not stand her touch right now. I did not deserve it. I never would.
"Jasper, my love, I pushed too hard. I'm so sorry. I let my dream hide the fact that you were in pain, and I should have known better. I know you hate yourself, but you need to know that this is my fault, too. I'm just as guilty for –"
"Stop it!"
"But it's the truth. Whether you believe it or not, it is my fault."
"No, it's not. Stop patronizing me, Alice. Just, stop." I felt her move closer, and I sunk down into the wretched muck swirling at my knees.
"I thought since you had so many years to practice control that you would just be able to move on to animals, but I was wrong. I assumed something I shouldn't have. Stop blaming yourself for his death. You did what a vampire would do, nothing more. You went forrty-seven days without tasting human blood, and I don't know of any others who have tried that. I'm not angry with you."
Her hand touched my shoulder, and since I couldn't pull any farther away, I endured her touch. I didn't deserve the love she sent me; it only made me feel more like the evil thing I was. We sat for hours in motionless silence as I worked through my anger. Her hand moved slowly to my back, and she slid closer in minute movements until she was next to me. I could hear only the water drip around us, like tears falling in the earth.
"Say something," she finally pleaded in a longing whisper.
"I've never hurt a child. Never."
"They survived, Jasper. I told them and their mother that a bear attacked. When they find the body, it will look like an animal attack."
"I killed their father in front of them. I know the damage I did to them, Alice, I felt it." I waved my arm at the utter blackness. "This blackness is what is inside me. Don't you understand? This cave is me; cold, black, and filthy. The only good thing in my life is you, and you don't deserve to be polluted by me. No matter how much I try, I can't be the man you see in me. I can't."
"I don't believe you, Jasper Whitlock. I simply refuse to. I feel the strength within you. The man in you is stronger than you give him credit for. It may take a long time, but you will overcome the monster and become the man you want to be. I have foreseen it."
I heard the smile in her voice, so out of place in the black darkness, and hated it.
"How can you say that? How dare you say it! I almost killed you!" My voice screamed out my anger. She had no right to have faith in me.
"But you didn't."
"I wanted to!" I grabbed her by the shoulders, willing her to understand. "After all we've been through, we're back at the beginning. I'm back at the beginning. I'm still the monster." My voice ended in a weak waver.
"It's not about the thirst is it?" she asked, ignoring my outburst.
She was refusing to believe me, and I wanted to shake her. I wanted to push her far away, but I needed to hold her. I closed my eyes, took her in my arms, and felt her love and trust pour through my shattered, silent heart.
"Have you ever seen a drunken man without his booze?" I finally asked. I felt her nod. "I'm like one of them. I'm the alcoholic who needs his drink."
"But not because of the thirst," she said as a matter of fact.
I took a deep breath and tried to keep myself from screaming in frustration at her.
"You won't stop, will you?"
"Nope. Never."
"Yes, it is the thirst, but not the burning one," I said as I relented. I could not stop her infernal optimism any more than I could stop the sun from rising. "Feeding from humans caused me so much pain that I wasn't even aware how much I truly enjoyed it. Once I stopped eating them, I realized that I needed the joy of the blood. I don't really know how to explain it, but the only thing that brought me any happiness at all was that incredible ecstasy we feel when we kill. After so many years, I need the feeling of blissful relief for my mind more than my throat. I'm not strong enough to protect you, and I'm not strong enough to be like you. So, you see, I'm not the strong one you think I am." My eyes were still closed, and I held on to Alice with all my strength.
"You're right, I was wrong," she said quietly, and my chest constricted at her words. "I was wrong to think that I could teach you. I'm the one that's too weak, Jasper. But Carlisle can help."
I let out a loud groan. "The last thing I need is to be taught by a vampire who wears loafers!" I already felt wholly unworthy of her, and now she was telling me I was weaker than him.
"You think of strength only in terms of fighting and victory. What if strength is also measured in terms of truth? What if it is measured in love or kindness? What if maybe, just maybe, strength is about sacrificing what you want so that you can live according to what is right?"
"What if I'm not strong like that? What if I can't? They won't accept me Alice. They will love you, but I will never be one of them."
"You're wrong, but I will let you learn that. Carlisle has gone almost three-hundred years without killing anyone. He's only bitten four humans: the four who make up his family. Somehow, he taught them to deny the thirst and in doing so, they learned to love each other. They are a family, Jasper. They are our family, and they are waiting for us. They just don't know it yet." I felt her smile as her head lay against my chest.
"You still believe in me," I said, incredulous at the absurdity of it.
"Yep. You went forty-seven days this time, let's see if you can do forty-eight next time. I'll help you by finding humans, and I'll watch more carefully so that we don't have another accident. What else do you need?"
"I need you not to leave me. I don't want to be alone. Leaving me behind hurts and makes the thirst worse."
"Then you will come with me into the towns, and we will wait until you are better controlled to search the larger cities. What about now? Do you think you can safely go into Williamsport?"
I winced and answered honestly, "No, not yet."
I felt her go limp against me for a moment. "These mines are considered too dangerous to work in, but the ones further west are open. I'll show you where you can find a miner. Then we will get cleaned up and go into town."
"Thank you." It wasn't nearly enough, but it was all I could say.
September 1
Even in the late afternoon, the summer heat shimmered off the road in thick waves. We were close to town now and farms were giving way to clusters of homes. I could sense the humans around me, but nothing moved in this heat. Late afternoon in South Carolina was as still as midnight in other places. To my body, it felt good.
Alice and I kept to the long shadows that covered the road, but as a precaution, we both wore hats. To any human eye that might look out into the heat, we looked to be a perfect young couple. We held hands as we walked, and Alice's purse swung beside her floral print dress, and she looked at me with adoring eyes, just as any other lovers might. She did adore me, and for that I was still astounded.
However normal we might look under our wide brimmed hats, nothing of our appearance was real except for Alice's adoration. My eyes were orange here. It had been 15 days since last I fed on humans, but even with recent blood in me, I was still only barely under control. In fact, my last humans had been another accident, proving to me that my self-control was tenuous at best. Alice held my hand for safety's sake and to offer a measure of support.
I went fifty days after my rampage in Pennsylvania before I had to eat another human. By then, we were at our southern most destination of Charleston. The port city was wonderfully full of the loners and drunkards that made up my human diet.
The men whom I had surprised at the fishing hole seven days later were entirely accidental.
"These forests don't look quite right," she mused as we walked.
"What's missing?"
She giggled. "Believe it or not, ferns. There is more undergrowth in the forest the family stays in."
"Ferns, huh? Well, at least that is something to look forward to." She snorted.
"You're doing well." It was a statement rather than a question, which gave me a bit more confidence. I hadn't gone near a city in the last fifteen days. Alice left me to explore only at my insistence, and only on cursory trips. I spent my alone time in the hills around Greenville and Anderson exploring the numerous caves and finding fragments of gems. I had in mind a present for Alice, but I refused to think much of it. As much as possible, if it was possible, I wanted it to be a surprise.
"It is easier to be around people if I eat shortly before. I don't think I can go much longer than twenty days in a large city, but if we stick to the smaller towns on the other side of the Appalachians, then I should be able to go a little longer." A car passed, and I braced myself. However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
An older couple was rocking on their front porch as we walked passed their dilapidated home. I watched in amusement as both of them inhales from hand made pipes and blew smoke rings with unnerving accuracy. Again, the faint lure of their blood was present, but nothing I couldn't handle. I nodded at them, and they nodded in unison in reply. I hoped it was a sign of progress, but I wasn't sure.
"The other side," she murmured, and I felt her leave for a moment. "This area just doesn't seem right." Her soft sigh showed her frustration.
"It's only been four months, and we still have most of the United States to look in. Don't get frustrated, Alice." I couldn't be happier that we seemed no closer to finding the illusive Cullen clan.
"I just hope it's not another twenty-eight years," she said sadly. She actually missed the family she had never met, which always struck me as odd.
"We have forever, love," I reminded her with a soft kiss. However, the words were far from comforting to me. We didn't have forever. I looked away as I thought of the two painful truths that haunted my existence: I was not man enough to protect Alice and provide what she needed, and because of that I couldn't keep her for myself. My time with Alice was limited.
"Don't worry, we won't stay long. If you have any trouble at all, we can run back to the car. I just want to see the court records and then we'll leave." She misunderstood my silence. I simply nodded and didn't try to explain.
November 2
The autumn leaves were just now at their peak, and a gust of wind blew them around us in a wild dance of color. We returned to our hidden car with our arms full of clothing for me. It felt good to shop with Alice again. My orange eyes passed for light brown here, and in the midst of the autumn storms, we explored the town freely.
Nashville was entirely the wrong place, but it was on the way from the hills of the southern Appalachians to the deciduous forests of Michigan and Wisconsin. And, it was a good place to shop. Alice really needed to shop.
"I told you dancing was fun," she said as a smug smile played on her lips.
"Humpf."
"Come on, Jasper, admit it. You liked it. And you're getting better at being around humans."
"It was... easier. At least the honky tonks have the kind of dancing that I know how to do." I dumped the packages in the already overflowing trunk and began moving things around to fit them in. My hand came across a small package with an odd scent, so I opened it. There was something very lacy in it and dead foliage. I looked curiously at Alice.
She smiled at it in an oddly gentle way and took the box to show me the contents. "This is a garter." She held up the beautiful, fragile lace. "It's from Emily's wedding, as are the pressed flowers. I took them as a way to remember her." She delicately removed the flattened blooms. "And these are identities I made for us." She handed me two sets of papers and smiled.
The first contained my name. A birth certificate, diploma, and another set of papers I couldn't identify.
"Those are transcripts. If you have a full set of papers, you can really do anything you want without being detected. I learned to forge them in Chicago. They are very handy if you want to be human."
"Is this how you lived among humans for so long?"
"Yes. I have to change them up every eight to ten years because we don't age, and I change the names often. The only thing I don't have yet is a social security number, but I want to get that legally -- sort of."
"Why do you need it?"
"To pay taxes."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"I have a lot of money, Jasper, and the government likes me because of it. My lawyers pay the taxes, but I will need a social security number soon. I made these for you so that when we find the family, you are ready to begin your human life."
I shifted the papers and found Alice's new set. The name Alice Whitlock was clearly printed across the top. A strange lump filled my throat, making it impossible to talk.
"You kept me waiting a long time," she whispered with a smile.
I carefully placed the papers and delicate items back into the box before grabbing her.
"It's a good thing you got new clothes, Alice Whitlock. 'Cause I aim to ruin these."
I was going to make up for all those years today. I was going to love her until we both lay in bliss. I was going to shred what she was wearing.
December 6
There was something very satisfying about sneaking around Vasily's city under his nose. Chicago was large enough that we could steer clear of them anyway, but it was cathartic, nonetheless. I leafed through the stacks of papers, learning the subtle differences between the various documents as I searched. Alice was right, we could easily become "human" with the right documentation. The legal side of humanity fascinated to me.
"Why does each state do it differently?" I asked as I closed another file cabinet. The subtle scent of humans rose from the new drawer I opened, but I was full of human blood and it held no sway over me.
"I don't know, but it makes forging them harder," Alice said without looking at me. This had become our habit. I would eat a human before going into towns, and cover the red with animal blood until my eyes were an odd orange. Then we would search the records for any trace of the family. If I ate before entering a town, there was less chance of an accident. I was getting better. My current record stood at 53 days, but there was no way I would risk being thirsty or even slightly weak in this city. I came here as a red-eyed vampire.
Stale smelling dust rose as I leafed through the records of 1932. I was amazed at the names and dates before me; so much information that could be so easily forged. Alice said the guard wouldn't be here until almost three in the morning. It was more than enough time to search for Carlisle's name.
I heard Alice hiss, and was at her side instantly to see a death certificate signed in Carlisle's unmistakably perfect script.
"He was here in 1917," she said as she stroked the paper.
We began tearing through the birth and death records, finding several other death certificates until 1918, when the number of certificates began to rise dramatically. The words epidemic and plague began to occur with startling regularity then.
One record caught my eye. It was just like the others with Carlisle's signature, except that his hand shook when he signed this death certificate. Alice stopped and looked at the thin sheet in my hand, and gasped. Vampire's hands do not shake unless they are upset. Very upset. In my hand was the death certificate for Elizabeth Masen.
"I wonder what upset him," she wondered quietly.
"Do you want it?"
"No, it belongs here. Leave it."
I replaced the document with a feeling of dread. We were closer than ever to the family.
---
"If you hand me one more thing to carry, everyone will know that I'm not human," I hissed as we meandered down the busy downtown sidewalk. I had to shift a round box to see.
"You were the one that insisted we bring gifts to them," Alice chirped beside me, happy as a clam.
"You always take gifts when you enter the territory of a seated coven. Normally, it's a snack."
"I really don't want to have a moose or a wolf in my car. Besides, these will be so much better. Emmett and Edward will love them." Shopping for gifts made her so happy.
"These seem kind of normal for you. Don't you usually go overboard on gifts?"
"They already have everything they need, Jasper. Trust me, these gifts will make them all very happy. Rosalie and Esme will love the purses I have, and these outfits will be perfect for them. Edward loves music, and these old recordings and rare jazz scores will make him happy. You have no idea how overjoyed Emmett will be to get this hand made poker game. He loves poker, but he doesn't get to play much. He will be thrilled that you like poker too."
"Why doesn't he just play with Eddie?" I asked curiously. Alice looked at me with an undecipherable look to her face. "What?"
"Um… first, don't call him Eddie. He might try to take your head." She paused and looked at me and then her face went blank for a moment. When she came back, a brief but strong feeling of concern filled her. She just smiled quickly and began to walk.
"Oh, no you don't," I hissed.
"Don't what?"
"Stop it. You know good and well what."
"It's really nothing Jasper," she said and began to walk again.
I dropped the boxes and stood my ground. There was no way I was letting her get away with that.
"Tell me what you saw."
"Jasper, it really was nothing. Really."
She was lying. I knew it, but I wasn't sure how to get her to tell the truth. I hated it when she did this. I crossed my arms and stood stone still.
"Fine," she huffed. "Emmett doesn't play with Edward because he cheats. Happy?"
"And?"
"That's it -- he cheats and you won't like it. I also saw that we need to find them when the boys are gone. That's all, Jasper. It will go better if we meet Carlisle first because the boys will be overly protective."
"That's all? You're not hiding anything?"
"No," she said, but the pause was just a little too long.
"So, Emmett likes to play games, and Eddie is a cheating sissy?"
She rolled her eyes at me. "You had better not act like that when we meet them."
"Don't worry, I'll be good," I said as I picked up the boxes again and we made our way out of the city. I was now very curious about these brothers, especially Eddie.
December 25
"You were right, Jasper, this is incredible," Alice said as her smooth body leaned against me. "It is the perfect place to spend Christmas."
The entire night sky was clearly spread over us, and it was as if we were laying among the stars.
"I've wanted to bring you here since I first climbed Devil's Tower. You are so incredibly beautiful under the night sky," I said as I nuzzled her head. Nothing, not anything, could compare to the beauty of Alice with the starlight shining on her perfect skin.
"Are you ready for your present?" she asked. I could feel the childlike anticipation building in her. I chuckled at her, my bubbly mate.
"Yes."
We each reached to our sides, and pulled out our wrapped gifts for each other. Mine, of course, was smaller, but I hoped she would like it. I felt her leave me and I poked her side.
"Don't you dare. You promised," I growled. I was fairly sure she had already seen it, but she said that she would at least try not to look.
She sighed, handed me my present, and reached out her hands to take the small, wrapped box. The present was small enough to fit in them.
She smiled coyly at me. "You first," she said with a slight tremor in her voice. She already had seen me open it, but she still wanted me to go first. Typical Alice.
I laughed again and opened the box. Inside was a new, black leather hat. It was done in the cowboy style, with a wide brim, like I liked. I smiled and put in on. It fit perfectly, and Alice squealing with delight.
"Do you like it?"
"I love it! Really, it's perfect, Alice," I said as I kissed her. It was. "How does it look?"
"It looks better than I thought," she said with a tilt of her head. "Of course, it looks really good on you naked." Her grin was positively mischievous.
"Now for yours," I said as my own anticipation grew.
Alice slowly pulled at the wrapping paper, and quickly revealed the small oak box. Her gasp told me that she hadn't completely foreseen it, and I was immensely grateful for that. Her aversion to surprises was becoming burdensome.
"Oh, Jasper."
"Do you like it? It's for our rings. I don't like leaving them on rocks," I explained as she held the box as if it would crumble under her touch.
"Oh, Jasper… it's… it's perfect." If she had been human, she would have cried. I looked at the box and then her face and felt the pride of my work grow in me.
It was a small jewelry box I had carved from a fallen oak tree's roots. The burled wood was the perfect background for the carving on the outside. Into the lid and the sides, I had carved as perfect a replica of the night sky as I could. I had placed tiny gems which I had gathered from our travels into the holes. The swirling wood showcased their glittering beauty.
"It's my promise, my vow. As long as the stars shine, Beloved, as long as they shine." My quiet voice was rough.
Her breathing hitched, and quickened as she slowly reached over and took our rings from the rock on which they lay. Her eyes never left our rings as she carefully dropped them inside and closed the lid of the box. With deliberate slowness, she placed the box back on the rock, and then was instantly on me, covering my body with hungry kisses. Christmas lights held nothing in comparison with the lights we saw on that peak.
I'm sorry. I know, I promised, but I couldn't post a 16,000 word chapter without the site having heartfail.
I really am sorry about not getting to the Cullens yet, but they do arrive in the next chapter. Besides, I needed to show the growth of these two as a couple and the conflict within Jasper.
When I first read the Twilight Saga, the character of Jasper struck me as very convoluted. I wanted to show why and how he became so "weak" when it came to humans and why he seemed separate from the family. I hope that this chapter and the next one clearly explain the dichotomy of his character.
So, what do you think of Jasper's struggles?