Thanks to readers and reviewers. This continues from the last chapter. I've got a feeling that a lot of angst is on its way...

I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. Emily had her head leant against my chest, her red hair draped loosely over my shoulder, one hand tightly gripping my side. She'd fallen asleep a few hours ago, a combination of exhaustion and alcohol taking over. I was not so fortunate, my mind was in overdrive, lots of different thoughts racing through.

Sophia was dead. I'd slept with her behind Emily's back and sold her drugs. Now she was dead. A sense of guilt crept through me as I realised that Sophia dying wasn't what had upset me the most tonight, it was the thought of losing Emily. Breaking her. Breaking us.

Love had terrified me. I now realised that falling in love is one of the most beautiful yet most frightening things you can experience. I had this person who I'd do anything for. I spent most of my time thinking about her, I was always grinning like a fucking idiot when I did that. All I wanted was to be with her and no one else, friends suddenly didn't seem so important. This one person could make me feel so fucking fantastic, like I could do anything. She encouraged me to do anything, and be happy and I loved her for it. I'd let Emily in and told her things that I struggled to say to myself, let alone anyone else. She had my soul. She knew everything about me. I felt something with her, something I'd never experienced before.

It could all be gone in a second though.

That's where the fear came in. One person who brought so much joy and happiness to your life could take it away in an instant, leaving you with nothing. That made me feel weak. That made me feel scared.

I didn't like that love had a hold over me.

Emily had a hold over me.

She had dreams of travelling the world together, taking a gap year before going to university. It was all thought out; after a year of travelling we would look at courses at universities near to each other and live together whilst studying. Emily had it all planned, her future, our future. It frightened me, my future mapped out before I was even 18. I wanted to be with her, I knew that but I didn't think that I would have to make compromises on my dreams to make way for hers. I was scared to tell Emily how I really felt, I didn't want to ruin what we had and that's why I never told her about that open day. That's where I met Sophia.

Sophia seemed to understand me, listened to my fears and feelings of being trapped. It touched upon something that was not there with Emily, she was so excited about our future together that she didn't realise what I wanted. What I did wasn't Emily's fault, it couldn't ever be.

I was drunk when I had sex with Sophia, it didn't excuse the fact that I cheated, but it gave me the nerve to do it. It was awkward and strange, both of us fumbling around as if we were unsure of what to do. There was no need or passion, it was just sex. Nothing like it is with Emily. I felt sick afterwards and threw up when Sophia had left. She told me that she understood it didn't mean anything and that I was in love with Emily, but I could see that she was hurt. I was disgusted with myself. I spent over an hour scrubbing my skin until it was red in the shower, convinced that Emily would know Sophia had touched me.

The next day Emily came round to find me having a minor breakdown. I felt so guilty that all I could do was cry. Emily bought my explanation of hormones and missing my mum, which just added to the guilt. She was so fucking kind to me that day, she made me realise how much I wanted to be with her, regardless of where we were headed after college. I had fucked it up though. Something inside me switched on that night, I needed to feel something, secure, loved. Emily made me feel all of those things, she comforted me and made love to me like I was the only thing that ever mattered. She told me that she loved me and held me when I slept. I knew the next morning that I couldn't ever lose that. I had to go on and forget about Sophia, act like it never happened.

Less than a week later everything had changed again. Everything was more fucked up than I ever could imagine.

I trusted Cook; I knew that he would sort out the drugs issue. I believed him, I had to. It was the one hope that I could cling to at that moment.

I just couldn't let Emily find out.

"Nai, you awake?" Her sleep filled voice dragged me from my train of thought.

"Yeah babe. You okay?" I asked as I hugged her body close to me.

"I feel a bit better for getting some sleep, but I'm still exhausted. Have you slept?" She mumbled into my chest.

"Not really. Just can't, you know?" I answered honestly.

"Did you know her?" I felt Emily's hand search for mine before linking our fingers together.

"Sophia?" Emily sat up quickly, turning to look at me. My heart rate quickened.

"That's her name? You knew her?" She asked quickly.

I sighed and took a deep breath to calm myself.

"That's what someone was screaming when it happened, I'm assuming that's her name. I didn't know her, think I've seen her in college before though." I lied. It surprised me how easy I found lying to her. It shouldn't be like that.

"Oh," was all she said before laying back down.

We lay in silence for several minutes before I leant over and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Emily's head. I glanced at the clock. 5.30 am.

"I think my hangover is starting. I feel quite hot and my head is starting to hurt." Emily stated before sighing and rolling away from me onto her back.

I propped myself up on my elbow and lay facing her. "Want me to get some painkillers for you hun?"

"It's okay, think I've got some in my bag. I'll get them in a minute. You not slept at all Nai?"

"No. Just been lying here, couldn't sleep," I answered with a yawn.

"I know it's hard but you need to put it out of your mind, for tonight anyway. You look exhausted babe."

"I am. I feel it," I sighed.

"Come here."

Emily stretched out her arms and pulled me onto her, my head resting on her chest. She slowly trailed her finger nails up and down my back. It was something I always found relaxing, Emily knew that. It soothed me.

"Mm, that feels nice," I said, yawning once again.

"Ssh. Don't think. Just sleep babe."