Such A Strange Thing Life Is
Chapter Thirteen
The Starting Line
()()()
"Ah, what a morning!" Larch said as he left the hotel. So far, he had a lovely night's sleep and a hearty breakfast, and as far as he was concerned, everything was tremendous. "It is absolutely perfect to go to Allearth!"
"Indubitably, old chap!" Slick said, walking up next to him with his cane pointed in the air. Larch turned to look at him and was shocked to see an absurdly cartoonish moustache attached impossibly to the end of his snout, but decided it was an illusion and looked past it. "Shall we convey ourselves to the woods?" the Zoroark asked, the accent somehow growing even faker.
"Slick, what are you doing?" Larch asked, shaking his head.
"Well, given this delightful little outfit of mine, I thought I might attempt to act appropriately for it!" Slick cried, pointing his cane straight up.
"Would you mind not doing that?"
"Have some merriment, good sir, and enjoy this morn!"
"If you really must do that, could you decide on a time period?"
Slick scowled. "My lord, I apologizeth for mine treachery, and—"
"That was not even remotely correct," Larch admonished, crossing his arms. "'Apologizeth'? What is that supposed to even be?"
"What are you two doing?" Jack demanded, coming up behind them.
"I'm making a noble attempt to have some class, but this ruffian is having none of it," Slick answered, pointing his cane in Larch's face.
Larch merely brushed the cane aside, and turned to Jack. "I was planning on heading out as soon as possible. It is a lovely day after all."
"Yeah, and nobody's paying any damn attention to it," Jack noted, pointing at the passers-by who were not looking anywhere except their own portable devices and, lacking those, feet.
"Well, at least we are here to appreciate it. Where are Anne and Ralph?"
"Anne's still getting her stuff together," Jack explained. "She seems really intent on capturing something."
"And she might well capture something!" Larch cried. "No sense coming out here if you do not plan on doing something adventurous."
"Sorry, guys!" Anne said, running out of the hotel and still attempting to put on her trainer belt. Ralph soon followed her, carrying Slick's duffel bag.
"Oh, thanks," the Zoroark said, taking the heavy sack and nearly falling over from its sheer weight. "This seems a bit heavier than I remember."
"Slick, you didn't lift anything from the room, did you?" Anne demanded.
"What? Of course not!" Slick feigned offense at the question, although he knew he was still guilty. "I would never take three towels, several bars of soap, and a bottle of cheap shampoo! How dare you accuse me of doing that?"
Anne reached over and opened the bag, revealing the many items stolen.
"Aha!" Slick cried, attempting to find some triumph. "There's clearly only two towels in there!"
"No matter, let us be off!" Larch cried, making haste away from the hotel.
"Larch, that's west," Jack said. "Allearth is to the north."
"My mistake!" Larch said, turning around and taking the group with him this time. "To Allearth we go!"
()()()
"Yeah, they just headed out," Rob said into a small headset, observing the group carefully from across the street. "They're definitely heading to Allearth. Anne looks like she has a bunch of Pokémon gear, I might be able to use that to capture Xerneas."
"Good luck," Reggie answered back. "This is a Legendary Pokémon we're talking about here. You're not gonna catch that thing with regular training gear, you need some pretty heavy-duty stuff."
"Like what?"
"Well, I happen to know a guy who knows a guy who knows Silias Silph's first cousin…"
"Get to the point, Reg."
"I can get you a very special prototype of a revolutionary new type of PokeBall that promises to capture anything the first try, every time."
"You're kidding me, right? That's ridiculous."
"I'm holding it in my hand right now," Reggie affirmed, turning the purple orb over in his hand and observing the "M" logo surrounding the button. "One Master Ball, just for you."
"I'll come and pick that up later. Right now, I'd like to follow them to see what they're like together, see if I can use their own psychology against them."
Reggie paused. "Where the hell did that come from?"
Rob shook his head. "Sorry, I hang around a lot of actors. The dialogue isn't exactly the most realistic thing ever."
"I can imagine," Reggie said. "I'm signing out, call me back when you need something."
"Got it."
Rob turned his headset off and made haste after them, quickly crossing the street within a large group of people and staying a ways behind so they wouldn't notice.
()()()
"Seriously, you could hide, like, a little sword in this," Slick insisted, holding out his cane like he were presenting an officer with a dress sword, "and then I pull it out from the bit on the end here and I can stab people with it!"
"Why would you add that many steps, though?" Larch asked. "It merely adds more time for the opponent to attack you while you bring it out. That cane is made of fairly hard wood, all you really need to do is hit them in the head!"
Slick considered this, now properly wielding the cane like a sword. "Hey, yeah! It's pretty well-balanced, it's heavy…and if I use this…"
He stopped, as did the rest of the group, and pulled out his utility bar, wielding it in his other claw. "Check it out, I'm like a samurai!"
To demonstrate the likeness, he spread his legs in a fighting stance, wielding the cane like it was a katana and the utility bar as if it were a wakizashi.
"You know, that does actually work quite well," Larch said, rubbing his chin.
"I have to admit, that's kind of cool," Jack agreed. "It looks kind of ridiculous, but it does work."
"Hell yeah!" Slick said, putting his utility bar back and setting the cane down normally. "Now nobody's gonna mess with us!"
A strange look crossed his face as he sensed a rather odd presence around them. He couldn't tell exactly what it was, due to the large crowds around the city, but he could tell that it was in some sense hostile, and thus he determined a plan.
"Is something wrong, Slick?" Anne asked. "You look like something's wrong."
"Hey, guys, the other sidewalk looks way better than this one," he said, pointing his cane to the other side. "Let's go over there now."
He quickly ran up to the crosswalk a short ways away and skipped across, garnering odd looks from the others.
"I say we do what he says," Ralph noted, "he probably sensed something weird."
()()()
"No, no, what are you doing?!" Rob muttered to himself as he watched his quarries cross the street completely. He silently cursed himself for stopping in his tracks after they did, remembering that Slick could easily tell something hostile was in the area if they were still. Running after them would just draw attention, and when he walked to the crosswalk, the traffic suddenly decided to pick up, preventing him from having a good opportunity. As the group slipped just out of his sight, though, he stopped caring about his own safety and dashed across anyway, several cars screeching to a halt and honking their horns at him. By the time he got across, though, it was too late; they had slipped away.
"Damn it," he muttered, losing his breath. He sulked away, having lost his opportunity to determine their psychology early on, heading back to Reggie's apartment to pick up the offered gear.
()()()
"Okay, so, somebody's definitely wanting something from us," Jack said, having accidentally evaded Rob. "Xerneas, maybe?"
"We have not exactly made our quest common knowledge," Larch noted. "Somebody in the library may have overheard us, but that would be a rather sudden decision to make, and they could not have known what hotel we were in."
"And if they were following us, I probably would have noticed," Slick continued. "Who could have known?"
Anne snapped her fingers as she remembered something. "That Durstrand guy! We told him about it!"
"Hey, yeah, we did!" Slick concurred. "You think he might be up to something?"
"It could be him," Larch said, "after all, footage of such a powerful Legendary would make for excellent television."
"That son of a bitch!" Slick cried.
"Does anybody see him?" Anne asked, looking at the pedestrians around them. The rest took a look themselves, and were unable to see him at all. Since he was so incredibly distinctive, they assumed he simply wasn't there.
"Very strange, isn't it?" Larch wondered aloud.
"Were you guys talking about Strom just then?" A younger woman asked, walking up behind Larch. He turned around, somewhat surprised, and thought about her question.
"Why, yes, we were," he affirmed, "Why? Do you know anything about him? He seems to have been acting suspiciously lately."
"What? I'm not talking about that at all, he nearly died yesterday!"
"Died? What happened?" Anne asked.
"Apparently, he just collapsed on set, and nobody knows why," the young woman answered, wildly gesticulating. "Isn't that weird? I hope he's all right."
"I do too," Larch agreed as she walked off, her attention span spent. "Well! It seems that perhaps our friend Strom is not responsible for this after all."
"But who is, then?" Slick wondered. "And what happened to Strom? He seemed pretty healthy the last time we saw him."
"Well, perhaps he was overworking himself," Larch suggested. "Television is rather stressful work, you know."
"I guess. Still pretty weird, though."
"We must determine who is responsible for this, though, before they do something really unpleasant." Larch looked around for a moment, searching for anybody that seemed suspicious. After a few moments, he saw nothing especially out of the ordinary, save perhaps for Slick attempting to balance his cane on one claw, and decided to continue. "Now, let us carry on!"
()()()
"Rob, what are you doing?" Reggie asked as Rob looked over the Master Ball carefully, inspecting it to make sure it was legitimate.
"I'm seeing if there's anything wrong with it," he explained, "I want to make sure I'm using quality stuff, after all."
"No, not that, what are you doing back here?"
Rob set the ball down. "Well…I lost them in a crowd."
"Lost them?" Reggie demanded, standing up on his fairly weak legs. "How do you lose them? One of them is a Zoroark who's dressed like Snidely Whiplash! That's the most conspicuous thing in the world!"
"Well, I'm not used to following after people," Rob defended, crossing his arms spitefully. "Besides, he could have disguised himself as something else."
"Yeah, whatever, look, the point is, we need something to back us up, and we need it now."
"Back us up? What do you mean?"
"I mean we need people on our side that won't screw everything up when it's important!" Reggie cried, pulling out his phone. "Believe me, I have a lot of people that owe me favors, and I'm sure they'd love to help me out on this?"
"What are you saying, like—like mercenaries or something?"
"Exactly!" Reggie quickly dialed in a number and immediately started speaking once he was picked up. "Hey, Ace-man!" he said.
"Ace-man?" Rob repeated, not believing anybody would have that as his nickname.
Reggie ignored him and continued. "Yeah, you know that favor I needed? Well, I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, and I'd like to call it in. Yes, I need all of the guys. We need everything we can, trust me, it's going to be worth it. Bye."
He hung up, and turned back to a somewhat confused Rob.
"What do you mean, 'everything we can'?" he asked.
"Well," Reggie explained, "if we catch this thing, we could rule the world, no problem. Of course we're gonna need everything at our disposal to get it! Why wouldn't we?"
"I guess that makes sense…" Rob agreed. "But who are these guys?"
"They're pretty good. Not the best around, but they'll still get the job done."
"I hope so. What are they like?"
"Well…they're very hard to describe. When you meet them, you'll know what I mean."
"Ah. So…should we wait around here, or…"
"I've got some movies I downloaded off the internet, if you want."
"You know, when we're on top, we won't have to download anything, we can just have whatever we want."
"That we will, Rob, that we will!"
()()()
"So, after I managed to slip the coin away from him," Slick said, continuing on with a rather rambling story about something he had done when he was still in Unova, "I realized that I had forgotten the rose, and so I try to make an illusion of one, but it's not convincing enough, so—"
"Slick, when does this story end?" Larch asked.
"Hold on, I'm just getting to the good part. So, he figures out the rose isn't real, and then he figures out that I'm not who I'm saying I am, and then he realizes he doesn't have his coin, so I turn the rose into a cup of water and throw it at him, so I can—"
"Help!" they heard, a desperate call from an alley they had just passed. "Help me!"
They quickly rushed back to look inside, and saw that a masked man was attempting to pull a woman's purse away, drawing the attention of a few of the pedestrians around them.
"Let's go!" Slick proclaimed, once more brandishing his cane and utility bar. Jack and Ralph followed suit, pulling out their guns, while Anne released Carolus and Larch brandished his own rather unconvincing novelty lighter in the shape of a handgun.
The would-be robber continued for a few moments, before noticing the tightly-packed group in the alley facing him down.
"Holy shit!" he cried, releasing the purse and allowing the woman to fall back onto the wall. She checked herself to make sure she was all right, and ran off, while the robber raised his hands.
"Okay, you're gonna stay right there," Jack explained, stepping closer. "You armed?"
"What the hell good would it do if I was?"
"Good point. Pull it out anyway."
The robber dipped his head in resignation and pulled the gun from his jacket, throwing it on the ground.
"Now, I'm gonna call the cops," Jack continued, pulling out his phone. "Uh, what's the police number?"
"One-eight-hundred eat shit," the robber cracked. Jack glared at him, and he admitted the true number. "Okay, okay, it's nine-nine-nine."
"Okay…" Jack put in the number and waited to be picked up, then continued. "Hello, Lumiose Police? Yes, I'm at the alley by, uh…"
"Eat Shit Avenue," the robber finished.
"Hey, pal, if you're gonna play smartass, come up with something other than 'eat shit', all right?" Jack demanded, drawing the phone away.
"Fine, it's Bonaparte."
"Bonaparte," Jack mirrored. "We have a robber here, uh, tried to take some lady's purse, we've got him disarmed…uh, sure, the news station…thank you."
Jack hung up, and turned back to the robber. "Okay, the police are on their way, and the news people, I guess. Uh…we'll just stay here, I guess."
They paused for a moment, very awkward as none of them really had anything to say.
"You guys rock!" somebody from the crowd behind shouted.
"Thank you very much!" Larch called back.
With remarkable efficiency, the police and several news stations pulled up within mere minutes, cops and reporters both pouring out.
The robber himself was easily apprehended and taken away, while Larch and his group were a bit more held up.
"What are you doing here in Kalos?" one reporter asked.
"How did you apprehend this criminal?" came another.
"Where did you get that crowbar?" demanded a third.
"First of all, it's a utility bar," Slick corrected, "and second, we simply showed him that we meant business and he gave up completely. In fact, we might have saved that woman's life!"
"Er, yes, we may have," Larch agreed. "Of course, we all had a hand in this, although mine was somewhat," he clicked his lighter, and a small flame shot out from the end of the barrel, "limited compared to the others'."
"Is that woman available for comment?"
"Er, no, she," Larch turned to the other end of the alley where the woman had run, "ran away after we showed up. Probably for the best."
"Again, can I ask what you're doing here in Kalos?"
"Ah, yes, of course!" Larch said. "We are on the hunt for—"
"Larch!" Jack hissed.
"Er, the hunt for…relaxation! Of course! And adventure, always good to have that, you know, especially with such a new region!"
The reporters murmured in approval as he continued.
"Yes, this does indeed prove that crime will never truly pay, and, um, always remember to drink your milk and stay in school—"
"Yeah, I'm stopping you there," Jack said, pushing him to the side and taking the stage. "We're here to see what's up, and…hopefully it goes well, thank you."
They all murmured once more and walked away, the crowd soon dissipating as well.
"Larch, come on, the last thing we need is to advertise to every two-bit trainer in the country what we're doing!" Jack hissed. "Don't screw us over!"
"My apologies, I was simply caught in the moment," Larch defended. "The limelight will do that to a person."
"Yeah, well, the limelight turned away. Let's go."
()()()
Much later in the day, Rob and Reggie were waiting outside the apartment for Ace and his men to arrive.
"This had better be good," Rob said, looking up and down the cracked street for any sign of a mercenary. "I've been waiting out here for like an hour."
"Be patient, will you?" Reggie admonished. "He takes his time."
Rob rolled his eyes, but his attention was soon drawn as the sound of a powerful motorcycle echoed down the street, a sound that also drew Reggie's attention.
A cloud of dust betrayed the arrival of a colossal bald man in a gold-trimmed white jacket, sitting atop an equally colossal motorcycle whose roar called to mind a powerful beast of ancient lore, one of such strength that it could destroy a whole army.
"Holy shit," Reggie said as the behemoth pulled up, barely fitting the bike between two cars and stepping off in front of them.
"You that Rob guy?" he asked, sounding suddenly unsure.
"Yes," Rob answered, dazed.
"I'm Jacques," the colossal man said, putting out his veiny hand to shake. Rob weakly took it and gave it a mild shake, soon releasing it. "I'm with Ace. Is he here yet?"
"Uh, no," Rob said, silently thinking to himself. If this guy's is just with Ace, what is Ace himself like?
"Hi, guys!" a rather squeaky voice greeted from their left. They turned to see a very young man, barely a day above eighteen, wearing a t-shirt proclaiming the name of some obscure techno group and very skinny denim jeans.
"Ace!" Jacques said, spreading his arm and walking towards him. "Good to see you!"
"That's Ace?!" Rob cried, disbelieving. "He's a dork!"
"Hey, he might be a dork, but…I'm a dork too!" Reggie said. Rob looked at him oddly, not quite understanding the defense. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have thrown myself under the bus, but…look, he's really good. I know he doesn't look like it, but he and Jacques are really gonna help us out here. Come on, let's go inside, the news is on and there might be something useful."
"Good idea!" Ace said, rushing inside. "Hi, Mrs. Leclercq!"
"It's Ms.!" Reggie's mother corrected. "I kicked that asshole out ages ago!"
"I'm gonna be upstairs the rest of the night, mom," Reggie said. "Mind if I let the guys stay here for the night?"
"Whatever, I don't care. Just don't make a mess of the place."
"Thanks, mom!"
()()()
The four of them didn't fit very well inside the room, Jacques finding the low ceiling very limiting for his ridiculous stature. They were all sitting before the television in the room, tuned to the news channel in hopes that they would receive helpful information.
"Okay, here it is, quiet, quiet!" Reggie said as he heard Larch's name from the incredibly handsome co-anchor.
"…Professor Berkeley Larch of Kanto, along with many associates, successfully stopped and reported a mugging in Lumiose City earlier today, all five working together to bring this heinous criminal to justice." A picture of the mugger flashed up, and then disappeared, replaced by Larch's confused expression as the reporters accosted him. "After protecting the citizens of this fine city, he helpfully gave this reminder to us all."
The screen shifted to the recording of him stumbling through the interview, giving the vague directions to stay in school and drink milk.
"Yes, Frederic, they're true heroes," a female co-anchor, just as beautiful as her partner, said. "They just arrived in Lumiose City yesterday, and although they haven't made their exact intentions known, Jack LeBoure, an associate, did state they were looking for adventure."
"Well, hopefully they find it," Frederic said, moving onto the next story. "In other news—"
The other news went unknown as Reggie turned the TV off and stood before the three of them, rather bemused.
"Okay, maybe this is gonna be easier than I thought," he said, almost breaking into laughter at the bizarre showing he had just seen. "Uh, we all know they're after Xerneas, so…seriously, what the hell was that?"
Reggie immediately lost all sense of composure and had to grip his knees to prevent himself from completely falling over. "That was the most useless goddamn thing I've ever seen in my entire life! That was…how lame can you get?"
"These are the international heroes?" Jacques asked. "They're pathetic! That Larch guy barely knows what's going on around him!"
"Hey, hey, don't underestimate these people," Ace insisted. "I know they may not seem like much, but from what I've heard, they're very dangerous when the chips are down. Do not let yourselves get caught off guard. It's the worst thing you can do."
"Yeah, sure thing, Sun Tzu," Reggie said, his laughter dying down. "Wow, okay, with all of us together, I think we're in a really good position here."
"Don't underestimate," Ace repeated.
"We've wasted enough time," Rob said. "We need to head out as soon as possible!"
"We'll do it convoy style," Jacques said. "Ace, you come with me, Rob and—"
"Hang on, since when are you the leader?" Reggie interrupted.
"Since I said so," Jacques continued.
"I think it's a good idea that I go with him," Ace agreed. "Hey, Reggie, where's your car?"
"Uh, my mom took away the keys because I forgot the clean the bathroom on the third floor. Nobody even uses that one, anyway, it doesn't work at all."
"We'll use mine," Rob offered. "Enough sitting around, let's go!"
()()()
While all those complex adventures and conversations were going on, Strom Durstrand, Explorer Extraordinaire, was having a much slower day. The doctors were completely unable to determine why he had collapsed, and the issue had passed very quickly, quickly enough that they felt there was no more concern. Still, they insisted that he remain calm and not attempt anything strenuous for a while, lest he make whatever it was worse.
"Damn it," he said, sitting in a director's chair in the studio. All day, he had been getting small greetings and congratulations from everybody, which got old incredibly quickly. He had recorded several lines for the introduction and history portions of the special, most of which were at least semi-accurate to the facts. Other than that, he hadn't been able to do much, as every time he attempted to do so, somebody stopped him out of their misguided concern.
"Doesn't anybody have anything for me to do?!" he cried suddenly, stopping everybody around him in their tracks. "I'm sick of sitting around!"
"You really shouldn't be yelling like that, sir," somebody said. Strom's face twisted, and he stood up, walking straight up to the intern.
"I don't care!" he cried, even louder. "I feel perfectly fine! I want to do things! I don't want to just vegetate all day because I got a headache yesterday!"
"You fell over!"
"People in this business fall over all the time! Doesn't anybody have useful information for me?!"
"Mr. Durstrand?" a new assistant, almost indistinguishable from the original Rob, called over. "I have some useful information for you!"
"Thank God!" Strom yelled, running over to him and grabbing the file from his hands, looking through it. "Allearth…of course! It's so simple!"
He turned around, facing everybody again. "In a few days, we go to Allearth Forest! Get ready, everybody! This is gonna be the biggest show in history!"
()()()