Note: Hey guys! Thank you so much for the wonderful support I've gotten so far! You people are amazing and I love each and every one of you! I'm sorry that I haven't had time to get around to replying to your reviews here on ff, but I've read them all and I'm sending out a massive thank you and a hug to you all! I've been sick this entire weekend and I really didn't even think that I would be able to finish this chapter in time, but I did it. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in here, since I haven't had time to read through it entirely, but I still hope it's okay.
And I just wanted to say that I've decided to incorporate Daryl's self-inflicted burn mark in this story, so it's in here now, which I really hope you guys won't mind. I'm still not gonna follow the canon story of the show, since I have my own plan for this fic and once again, I hope you're okay with that.
Now, without wasting any more of your time: prepare for ANGST!
Enjoy!
In The Blink of an Eye (Hear The Beat of My Heart)
Chapter 14
The wind had picked up a bit over the last couple of days. Leaves were swirling all around the farm and it was becoming colder and colder every night that passed. Daryl squinted as he looked up at the sky, noting the clouds that barely let the sun shine through. He looked down again and kicked the dirt as he looked toward the farmhouse, wondering what was taking Beth so long.
After having agreed to train with her, the two of them had finally gotten around to plan their first session. It had actually been Beth who had brought it up when she had practically ambushed him downstairs in the basement, where he was still working on that damned generator, and asked him if they would be able to get some crossbow practice in as well. Daryl had merely looked at her and grunted, which she had taken as a 'yes' and then she had proceeded to tell him that they should try to get in some training as early as possible the next day.
He was well aware of the fact that both Tyreese and Eugene had looked at them curiously, and it wouldn't surprise him if the fake scientist had gone and blabbered all over the house about his and Beth's exchange. The idea of people talking about him and Beth behind their backs made him uneasy. He had never enjoyed being the talk of the town, so to speak, and he knew that if his growing feelings for the young blonde ever came out, he would without a doubt have people in their group gossiping about them.
Shifting around on his feet, he looked toward the farmhouse again, but there was still no sign of Beth. He was almost tempted to just go there and waltz into her room and pull her out of bed. Then again, he wasn't sure it was a very smart idea to have him anywhere near Beth's bedroom, or Beth's bed and at times, he still questioned whether he was making the right decision allowing himself to be close to her.
His thumb brushed against the mark on his left hand, digging into the rough, burned skin that had been left behind after a cigarette he had smoked in hopes of gathering his mind after he had lost Beth. Those first couple of weeks after they had buried her had been a hell he had never been able to imagine himself being in. They had lost people before: Sophia, Dale, T-Dog, Lori, Merle and so many more that he had actually stopped thinking about the long list of loved ones lost. Yet, Beth's death had been the one that had finally made him crumble.
He remembered how they had been walking for days, out of food, running low on water. Everyone in the group seemed to have understood that there was more to his grief than he was letting on; more to his relationship with Beth than he would ever dare to admit. Rick and Carol had both tried to coax it out of him, discrete as they were, but he had persisted on not feeling anything.
When he had finally gone off to be alone, to clear his mind at least a little, he had smoked a cigarette and thought about how he had lowered Beth's lifeless body into the casket, making sure that she looked like she was merely asleep before finally lowering her into the ground. That had been the only thing circling in his mind and the numbness that his mind had forced him into, to protect his heart, had crashed in. He recalled wondering, whether it would hurt if he just burned, like he and Beth had burned down his past and the person he had been before the world had ended.
So he had pressed that lit cigarette against his hand and watched numbly as his skin sizzled and the smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils. When he had pulled the cigarette away, he had touched that little part of burned skin, and then, he had remembered.
'I sure as hell never cut my wrist looking for attention!'
The memory of how he had yelled at her; how he had listed everything he had never done, never gotten, never had. He remembered the look on her face when he had yelled that particular accusation at her and that moment, that memory, was what finally made the numbness fall away.
He had cried and he had grieved and since that second, his grief hadn't lessened for even a second during the next months that they had spent on the road.
If the others in the group noticed the burn mark, they sure as hell never mentioned it to him. But it was after that that Carol had tasked Noah to keep an eye on him and Daryl had always suspected that it was because of his burn.
"Hey..."
Daryl jumped when someone touched his arm and turned around, only to see a very smug looking Beth looking at him.
"Hi," he muttered, feeling his face heat up because of being caught off guard by her.
Beth giggled lightly, her intense blue eyes glinting mischievously, "Did I scare you?"
"I ain't scared of nothin'," he huffed, shaking his head at her before eying her outfit. "That's what you're gonna wear during' training'?" he couldn't help but ask.
Beth looked down at her ripped skinny-jeans and long-sleeved loose shirt before shrugging. "Figured that if I ever got attacked again, my attacker wouldn't wait 'til I changed into somethin' more comfortable," she told him.
He couldn't argue with that so he merely nodded. "Ya wanna start with hand-to-hand?" he asked her. "I ain't a professional, but I've been in my fair share of bar fights thanks to Merle."
"Merle...?" Beth frowned.
Daryl shifted on his feet. "My brother," he told her.
Beth's lips pressed together and she nodded curtly, clearly not having to ask where his brother was today because she seemed to understand it perfectly fine. Then, her lips parted as her eyes glazed over a bit.
"He didn't by any chance have, like, a metal hand or somethin'?" she asked him, her voice low as she met his eyes.
Daryl stared at her, at first not understanding what she meant. Then, he remembered that Merle had indeed lost his hand and replaced it with a knife. "Ya remembered Merle?" Daryl snorted before he could stop himself. "Damn, outta all the things... Of course ya remembered that asshole..." he muttered under his breath.
"I..." Beth began, but then trailed off, shaking her head. "Sorry, it was just an image that sort of flashed in my mind or somethin', when you said his name."
"So ya remember what he looked like then?" Daryl wondered, still not fully understanding how Beth's brain worked when it came to her memories. Out of all the things it could have let her remember, she had actually recognized how Merle looked.
'Well, I'll be damned,' Merle whistled in Daryl's mind. 'Seems like I made a bigger impression than you ever did, lil' brother!'
"Yeah," Beth nodded. "I guess I do..."
Daryl ignored Merle that was laughing over his misery and cleared his throat. "Maybe we should start trainin' now," he suggested.
"Sure," Beth replied, looking just as glad as he felt about letting the conversation go. "I just gotta stretch a bit."
She took a couple of steps back and pushed her arms up in the air, stretching her back before bending down over her middle, touching her toes. Daryl felt as his mouth dropped open a bit, but he wasn't able to help it at all as Beth bent her knees a few times before once again stretching upwards, her shirt lifting, revealing the pale skin of her stomach as she did. He swallowed thickly, forcing his mouth closed as he tried to keep out the very inappropriate images that filled his mind when he realized just how flexible Beth seemed to be.
At first, he had only questioned his reason and wondered what it was that had actually compelled him to say yes to Beth about training with her. Then, Beth had rolled her shoulders, pushing her arms back as her chest pressed forward and she had actually shot him a glance over her shoulder, blinking way too innocently at him.
Wait a minute.
Was she doing that on purpose?
Daryl resisted the urge to actually shake his head, but he couldn't bring himself to look away from her. He must have imagined it, he figured, but then, she went on and glanced at him again and he noticed just the hint of smirk on her lips before she turned her back to him again.
He narrowed his eyes at her, finally seeing that Beth was indeed teasing him. Why she was doing it was a question he had no answer to, but it was a bit frightening to think that she might actually be aware of the effect she had on him.
Before he could even question himself, he took two big strides forward and caught her wrists in a tight grip, pulling them down as he pinned her arms to her body by wrapping his arm around her stomach to keep her in place, pushing her back against his chest. She struggled for a moment in his grip, but couldn't move, clearly having been caught off guard.
"Daryl!" Beth squeaked. "What the hell?"
He pushed her away from him, releasing her from his grip before she could squirm too much against him.
She swirled around to face him, "What the hell was that?"
"Did ya think your attacker would wait for you to stretch it out?" he raised an eyebrow at her, crossing his arms over his chest.
Beth huffed, "We're trainin', Daryl."
"An' we're gonna make it as realistic as possible," he informed her, beckoning her forward with his hand. "Let's see what ya got, Greene."
-§-
Greene.
Daryl Dixon had just referred to her by her last name and she had never wanted to beat someone in a fight as badly as she wanted then.
The smug smirk on his face told her that he had somehow caught on to what she had been doing, stretching and sending him glances as she bent over suggestively. She hadn't even understood what had come over her, but the idea of teasing Daryl today had just crossed her mind last night when she had been thinking about that moment they had shared in his room a couple of nights ago as well as the hammering feeling she got in her chest whenever he was around her.
She figured that even though he might not know what effect he had on her, he too needed to suffer a bit and since Maggie and Eugene had both called her pretty, she could try and see if she had some kind of effect on Daryl.
Now, half an hour later, she was already regretting her decision.
Daryl was clearly more observant than she had thought and he had caught on to what she had been doing and turned the tables on her completely. He had decided that their training today wouldn't consist of too much hand-to-hand combat, but rather him holding her in a tight grip while she tried to get away from him. So far, he had shown her a pretty basic move where he just grabbed her wrists and pulled her close while she tried to get away, and the close proximity hadn't exactly bothered her. She hadn't even thought about it until he spun her around and locked his arm around her throat, like the man in the mall had done when he had grabbed her.
"Try an' get outta my grip," he had said into her ear, his voice quiet, almost like a whisper. "If ya fail, I'll show ya how to do it." His husky voice had sent shivers down her spine, straight to her core and she had swallowed tightly before she began trying to get out of his grip.
She struggled against his grip, but it was of no use. Every time she got inch away from him, he pulled her back, tightening his grip around her, but not enough to actually hurt her.
"Ya gotta get my balance off," he instructed. "Hook ya leg around mine an' push me back with ya elbow to knock me off my feet."
Beth rolled her eyes, attempting the move he explained but it was of no use. "Maybe if you weren't prepared for my counter attack," Beth groaned. Suddenly, Daryl released her from his grip and pushed her lightly away from him. She turned around and frowned at him, wondering what had suddenly come over him, but he was glaring at the ground, avoiding her eyes at all costs.
"We should take a break," he told her, kicking the ground. Beth narrowed her eyes before turning to look toward the house. She saw the reason for his sudden awkwardness when she spotted Maggie, Glenn, Tara and Rosita approaching them. She looked back at Daryl, who had picked up his bow and seemed way too interested in it at the moment.
"Are you embarrassed to train with me in front of them?" Beth asked him bluntly, making him pause.
"I ain't embarrassed," he replied. "Just figured ya'd need a break."
"We've been training for half an hour!" Beth protested. "I don't need a break." She shot him a pointed glare and she was pretty sure that he smirked at her before looking away again.
"Fine," he finally said. "Let's keep trainin'."
And so they did.
-§-
Daryl told Beth to punch him as hard as she could and when she did, he was actually kind of impressed with her strength. He held his hands up as she threw punch after punch at him, but when his eyes flickered to the side, where Maggie, Glenn, Tara and Rosita were sitting, he faltered for a moment and she caused him to stumble back.
Beth smirked and he shook his head at her, not saying anything when he took a couple of quick steps forward and grabbed her around the waist. She wasn't fazed at all, managing to get out of his grip just a few second later. He looked over at Maggie and the others again, who were watching them and he wondered how Beth managed to ignore their stares.
He felt Maggie's eyes settle on him and he swallowed thickly, knowing that the older Greene sibling was watching him for a particular reason.
"That's enough for today," he told Beth, who nodded, breathing heavily.
"We should go huntin'," Beth said. "It's a perfect opportunity for me to learn how to use the crossbow."
He glanced over at Maggie and the others, who seemed intrigued by their conversation, but he couldn't bring himself to break his promise to Beth. Instead, he nodded curtly and then looked over her attire again, "Ya should change. Wear somethin' thicker in case we don't get back 'fore night falls."
"Okay," Beth agreed, offering a smile which made something strange flutter in his chest, which he ignored as hard as he could. "I'll go change and I'll bring my knives too."
"Alright," he nodded. Beth smiled brightly at him again and then turned, running back toward the house at an impressive speed. He watched her for another moment before turning around to their audience. "What?" he bit out, raising an eyebrow at them.
"You're gonna teach Beth how to use your crossbow?" Tara asked, looking surprised.
"Yeah, so?" Daryl grunted as a reply.
"I thought your crossbow was sacred or something," Rosita pointed out. "Thought no one was allowed to touch it."
Daryl opened his mouth to retort, but then stopped himself, not really knowing what he could say without revealing that he had already once taught Beth how to use his weapon of choice. Before he had the chance to say anything though, Maggie spoke.
"Guess Beth's special that way," the older Greene sister said.
He shot her a look, "An' what the fuck's that s'posed to mean?"
Maggie shrugged, standing up from where she had been sitting. The other three stood up as well and Daryl didn't fail to notice how Rosita and Tara were looking at them curiously.
"Nothin'," Maggie said, not sounding very convincing.
"No, please," Daryl glared. "Tell me what your goin' on 'bout now."
"I'm just sayin' that it's clear that Beth's special to you," Maggie said. "You care 'bout her."
Daryl knew that Maggie didn't mean anything bad with it, but the way she said it, made it sound like some kind of accusation. His eyes moved to Glenn, who looked like he wanted to just leave them alone and let Maggie handle this conversation by herself, and then to Rosita and Tara, who looked as intrigued as before. He felt panic well inside of him. It felt as if there were walls surrounding him and that they were just coming closer every second that passed; he felt cornered.
"'Course I care 'bout her," Daryl snapped, taking a step toward Maggie. She stubbornly didn't back down as he towered over her, glaring at her with such a fierceness that it would make anyone else crumble; but now Maggie Greene.
"So you admit there's somethin' goin' on?" Maggie asked.
"I ain't admittin' nothin'," he growled at her. "I'm just pointin' out that you weren't the one who went lookin' for her when she was taken!"
Maggie stared at him, "You're tryin' to tell me that I didn't care 'bout my sister bein' taken?"
"I'm tellin' ya that ya didn't exactly believe me when I told ya she was still alive!" Daryl shot at her. "Ya ran off to D.C. for some fucking cure that never even existed, with people ya never even knew!" he spewed, his blood boiling inside of him as he finally got out everything he had been keeping in for so long. He needed to change the focus from him, to Maggie, and this was the best way to do it. At the same time, he would be able to give Maggie a piece of his mind.
"Maybe we should calm down a bit," Tara suggested, taking a step forward.
"I am fuckin' calm!" Daryl yelled at her, causing the young woman to jump.
"Hey, Daryl," Glenn said, stepping forward. "No one is accusing you of anything. Just, take a breath or something."
"Your goddamn wife is accusin' me of shit, Glenn!" Daryl said, turning to his friend. "She sure fuckin' take a look at her choices first! Maybe she can explain to us all why she never went lookin' for Beth? Maybe she can tell us why we didn't make it to that fuckin' hellhole in time an' had to watch Beth get shot!"
He was breathing heavily, but didn't move to take a step back from Maggie yet. She was looking at him, a frown etched on her face but something else burning in her eyes.
She was hurt.
Good.
"Maggie?"
They all turned their heads to look at Beth who was watching them all, her mouth hanging open a bit.
"Beth," Maggie said, taking a step away from Daryl, toward Beth, who shook her head, taking a step back.
"We were separated?" Beth asked, looking confused. "You weren't with me when I... When I died?"
"We were on our way," Maggie began, but Beth held up her hand to stop her.
"You're tellin' me that all this time, that I've thought that my sister was by my side... That you weren't even there?" Beth questioned. "That I wasn't with you, that I had been taken and that you didn't even look for me?"
"It wasn't like that," Maggie tried, looking at Daryl then. He didn't understand what she was expecting of him; he sure as hell wasn't going to defend her choices, since he had never agreed with them.
"Just hear her out, Beth," Glenn suggested but Beth shot him a look that shut him up.
"I don't wanna hear anyone out," she snapped. "I've heard enough." She turned to look at Daryl, zipping up her sweatshirt. "Let's go, Daryl."
He picked up his crossbow without a word, looking over at Maggie who looked absolutely crestfallen.
"Beth, please don't walk away..." Maggie begged, her voice thick and her eyes filled with tears. "Please, just listen to me."
"You mean like you walked away from me?" Beth asked her. "Like you left me behind and didn't believe in me? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how someone can not look for their family."
With those words, Beth walked away. Daryl looked over at Glenn, who held Maggie who finally broke down in tears, sobbing against his shoulder. Her cries reminded Daryl of those first couple of weeks, where she cried constantly and Daryl actually did feel a little bad for her now. He managed to send Glenn a look, but the look on Glenn's face told him that he should just go because he had done enough as it was. Turning away from Maggie and Glenn, and Tara and Rosita who had begun retreating toward the house, he noticed that Beth was already halfway to the forest. He held his crossbow tightly as he hurried after her, half-running to reach her before she ducked into the woods.
"Hold up, Beth," he said once he was close enough. She didn't stop though, just kept stomping ahead, breaking twigs as she went, clearly not caring about scaring away any possible game. "Beth slow down," he tried again.
It was of no use.
"Please."
His final plea halted her and she turned around swiftly, looking at him with both anger and hurt in her eyes. She moved forward then, coming to a stop so close to him that their toes were actually touching.
"Did anyone at all look for me?" she asked him. "When the hell was I even separated from you guys? How was I separated from the group?"
Daryl stopped, staring down at her. She was breathing heavily, a flush on her cheeks and her intense blue eyes were boring into his, but he just couldn't bring himself to say anything. Whatever he said, it would only bring out more questions and he wasn't sure he was ready to answer those yet. Whichever way he weighted the possibilities, the conversation would somehow end with him having to tell her that it was his fault that she had been separated from them all, because he had been the one who had lost her.
So he just didn't say anything and that seemed to only agitate Beth further.
"You know what?" she asked, throwing her hands up in the air. "I don't even care anymore."
But she clearly did.
Although Daryl still didn't say anything.
"Let's just hunt," she sighed, looking away from him.
"Beth." He said her name calmly and she faced him again. The hurt there made his chest ache and all he wanted to do was just pull her into his arms and hold her for however long it took to make her feel better, but he knew that he had no right in doing so.
"I'm sorry," she said, her eyes glazing over. She blinked a couple of times and let out a humorless laugh, "I'm just so stupid. I don't know why I just assumed that my family was with me when I died."
"Ya ain't dead, Beth," he told her.
"I know," Beth said, still fighting the tears. Usually, he would be uncomfortable with seeing anyone crying, but at this moment, he wanted nothing more than for Beth to actually allow herself to just let out her grief. "I just don't understand it, Daryl. I really don't."
"Ya wanna talk 'bout it?" he asked her, but she shook her head.
"No," she said, rubbing her eyes and the tears away. "I just feel... I don't know. I guess I thought that since I don't even remember her and still feel like I would throw myself between her and a walker, she would have done the same for me, before I was shot. And now, to learn that she wasn't with me, because I had been taken, and that she didn't even look for me..." Beth trailed off, staring ahead.
He just stared at her again but didn't know what to say to that. This had been the reason that they had all decided to not just blurt out things about her past in front of her, and yet again, just like with Hershel's death, Daryl had fucked up by snapping at Maggie.
"'M sorry, Beth," he mumbled.
That made her turn to look at him again.
"Would you look for me?" she asked, her voice a whisper. "If I was taken... Would you look for me?"
"No one's takin' ya anywhere, Beth," he told her sternly.
"But would you? Look for me?" Beth insisted, her hand coming up to rest on his arm as she stared up into his eyes, eyes not wavering. "Would you look for me, Daryl?"
"I would," he replied. There wasn't any hesitation there as he spoke this time because he knew that she needed to hear it and he needed to say it. "I would look for ya, Beth."
He watched as her lower lip trembled before she took another step toward him, her arms wrapping around his waist as she embraced him. His crossbow fell to the ground as his own hands moved to rest on her back.
"Thank you, Daryl," Beth said against his chest, filling him with a warmth that he didn't even want to begin to try to understand right now.
All he knew was that he held her just a little bit tighter, allowing himself to just enjoy her embrace, knowing that they both needed it.
-§-
When they got back to the house, Maggie was waiting for them on the porch and Beth tried to walk right past her, but her sister didn't budge.
"Beth, please, just hear me out, okay?" Maggie pleaded, causing Beth to turn around and glare at her.
"What else is there to say, Maggie?" she asked. "I was lost and you never looked for me."
Beth could feel Daryl take a small step closer to her, giving her his support without her having to ask him for it. The two of them had spent the rest of the afternoon in the woods alone, not talking and not bringing up her argument with Maggie. It had been good and for a moment, when she had managed to almost get a squirrel with Daryl's crossbow, she had forgotten about the dispute altogether.
It had felt good to hug him too and she was glad that he hadn't pulled away from her or gotten all awkward about it. The first time they had hugged, he had been the one to initiate it and afterward, he had seemed embarrassed about having reacted the way he had to her being attacked. This time had been different and Beth didn't want to read too much into it, but it had felt good and she had been happy in that moment.
"I didn't dare believe that you were still alive," Maggie confessed then, bringing Beth back to the conversation she knew she probably should have, but didn't want to be a part of. "It was right after we lost dad and I thought that it would be easier to just..." Her sister shook her head and let out cry just as the door opened behind her.
Morgan stepped out, followed by Rick who looked between Maggie and Beth.
"Lil' Lady," Morgan said, taking a step toward her. "You should calm down."
"Why, Morgan? So that I can listen to my sister telling me how I wasn't worth looking for because she thought I couldn't survive?" Beth snapped.
"No, but because it's not doing you any good yelling about it," Morgan told her, managing to actually give her a stern look.
"Morgan..." Beth sighed, looking away from the man as she tried to gather her thoughts. She wanted to snap at them all and tell her lungs out, but she knew that in this world that they were living in right now, she couldn't; not without risking an attack from walkers.
"This isn't you, Beth," Morgan said, stepping closer to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. His touch gave her comfort, like it had done so many times during the seven months that they had been alone. She found herself missing just having simple conversations with the man who had become like a father to her.
"There's something on your mind," Morgan continued. "I can tell. Ever since that run, you haven't been yourself."
It was a topic that she didn't want to bring up when everyone else was around, so she looked up at Morgan and met his eyes. The man fell silent, his lips sealing shut and a grim expression covered his face.
"Just, give your sister a chance to explain herself," he finally said. "Or leave the past in the past and just move forward together. You have both found each other again and it shouldn't be wasted on arguing over things that you can't change."
Maggie was still silently crying and Beth felt a little choked up too, but for another reason completely. She didn't know whether she would ever be able to let it go; to just forget that her sister hadn't looked for her when she had been separated from her. She felt as if she had been betrayed in the worst way possible because her sister hadn't believed in her, which hurt her more than anything else.
But Morgan was right.
She couldn't let this revelation twist her up inside; she couldn't afford losing her judgment just because her emotions were hurt.
"I don't want to talk about it then," Beth said, looking over at Maggie. "I don't want to know why you didn't look for me, or why you didn't believe I could still be alive somewhere. I don't want to hear your excuses either," she told Maggie when she began to protest. "I'm willing to let this go and just move on, but don't expect things to be like they've been up until now."
"What do you mean?" Maggie wondered, her voice still thick.
"I mean, don't expect me to just open up to you again when I know that I didn't mean enough for you to risk come looking for me," Beth clarified. "Don't expect us to be sisters like we were. You're still my blood and I'll do anything to protect you, but I won't be expecting the same from you."
"Beth, of course I'll protect you," Maggie frowned. "Please, don't push me away now. Not when we've come so far–"
"I'm sorry," Beth shook her head. "I really am, but I just can't let you in right now. I need time and I need space and then, maybe one day, I'll be able to forgive you for it too."
"Beth, I'm so sorry," Maggie cried, a pained expression on her face. "I'm so, so sorry."
"You should have just told me from the start," Beth said, not looking at either one of them as she walked inside the house. She heard her sister let out a sob behind her, but she couldn't just go back now.
She couldn't go back.
If the girl she had once been had been so weak that her sister hadn't believed her to be alive, then she didn't want to go back.
And she knew, deep in her heart, that she would never be that girl, ever again.
-§-
"Hey, Maggie, calm down," Rick said, putting his hand on Maggie's shoulder. "She'll come around eventually."
Daryl felt Morgan's eyes on him, but he didn't dare to look up at the other man, not knowing what he would be seeing if he did. Instead, he kept his eyes focused on Maggie who was breaking down.
"Where the fuck is Glenn?" Daryl muttered under his breath, but no one had clearly heard him. Maggie let out another sob and pushed Rick away from her. She walked straight past Daryl and away from the house, her steps determined but her head hung low.
"We can't let her just walk off like that," Rick said.
"Where's Glenn?" Daryl repeated his question, this time louder than before.
"He's resting upstairs," Rick said. "He's still recovering from that run. The only reason he was out there today, watching you and Beth train was because he needed some fresh air."
Daryl looked back around, only to see that Maggie was walking toward the barn that they still hadn't gotten around to repairing fully. "Damn," he muttered. He didn't want to be Maggie's babysitter, but he did feel a bit guilty for having caused the argument in the first place; all because he didn't want anyone knowing about what he felt for Beth.
Or at least thought he felt for her.
On second thought, there wasn't much doubt in his mind what he felt for her, but it was easier for himself to pretend that there was.
"I'll get her," he grunted, strapping his crossbow over his back before walking off, ignoring the looks that Morgan and Rick were giving him.
He walked quickly, trying to catch up to Maggie before she did something stupid, like run into the woods and get herself killed by a walker. Although he highly doubted that Maggie would be that reckless.
He found her sitting on the ground, her back leaning against the wall of the barn, head buried in her hands, shoulders shaking. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to just walk away and leave her to cry out her grief because he didn't know whether he would ever be able to say something to make her feel better.
He actually wasn't sure that he wanted to make her feel better.
"Stop bein' stupid and let's go back to the house," Daryl bit out, standing in front of her.
She continued to sob and Daryl resisted the urge to just turn around and run again. "This is all my fault," Maggie said. "I should've just been honest with her from the beginning, like she said." Her voice was shaky and then she finally looked up at him, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks wet.
"Ya ain't the only one keepin' things from her," Daryl said. He took a couple of steps closer and sat down on the ground next to her, leaving a good foot or two between them.
She turned her head to the side and looked at him, but he kept his eyes focused on the grass below him, pulling at it lightly to ease his nerves.
He would make sure that they looked for cigarettes the next time they went on a run.
"I never wanted to give up on her," Maggie said, her cries fading slowly. "I never meant to do it, but I didn't dare to hope..."
"I told ya she was alive," Daryl said. "I told ya that she'd been taken an' ya decided to ignore that. That's on you, Maggie."
"I know," she sniffled, wiping her face. "I should have just listened to you, Daryl, but I didn't want to hope that she was still out there, alone. I didn't want to think that she was alone and scared... And a part of me wanted to believe that she was fine too. That she was happy somewhere at least, somewhere where the walkers could get her and no one hurt her..."
Daryl bit the pad of his thumb as he brushed it against his lips, still not looking at her. He could still feel her looking at him and from the corner of his eye, he could see that she was still turned toward him. "Guess I never thought of it like that," he admitted. "Thought ya were just givin' up on her..."
"It's easier to ignore the pain than to face it," Maggie told him. "It was easier to pretend that she was fine... And then, when we got back to the church," Maggie continued, another sob wrecking her body as she shook her head. "I got my hopes up and then she died."
Daryl understood that, if anything. He had been hopeful too, he had touched Beth's shoulder, leading her to safety and then she had turned around and gotten herself killed, right in front of him. All that time that he and Carol had spent on the way to Atlanta...he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind.
He had probably imagined every possible scenario where he and Beth were reunited; where he would be able to tell her that she had been right– that she wasn't just another dead girl– and that she had been the one to change his mind.
"I didn't mean anythin' bad with what I said today," Maggie said. "I just wanted you to know that I see that you and Beth are close. I guess, I always wondered... When I saw the way you acted after she died."
"She ain't dead anymore," he reminded her.
"I know," Maggie nodded. "I know, but that doesn't change that those seven months still happened. We still thought she was dead and we buried her and we grieved. You grieved. Or, at least you did something."
Daryl remained quiet, not knowing what he was supposed to say. He knew that he had never really told anyone what had happened between him and Beth when they had been alone. Hell, he didn't really think anything had happened when they had been by themselves.
All he knew was that after he had lost her, he hadn't been able to stop crying that entire day and he hadn't been able to let go of her body. He had dug that grave and gotten that casket, risking his own life in the process because he didn't think life would be worth living without having Beth Greene there to call him out on his bullshit.
But he had kept going and it hadn't been until he had burned that mark into his hand that he had let himself cry again. He hadn't been much better than a walker up until then; walking around emotionless, just killing the damn geeks from left to right whenever he had to.
"When Beth an' I were alone," Daryl began, pulling up some of the grass, not daring to look over at Maggie. "Somethin' changed... I ain't good with... words, but I know that if she hadn't been there, I probably woulda bit the dust right after the prison fell."
"You wouldn't just have given up," Maggie insisted.
"I would've," Daryl said, staring ahead at the farmhouse. The sun was setting and he knew they should get back to the house.
"Daryl..."
"Just don't," Daryl said, shaking his head.
They sat in silence for another few minutes and he finally realized that they didn't need to say anything else. He understood her a bit better now, her guilt, and he hoped that what he had said would be enough for Maggie to just let the entire thing go.
Daryl didn't need anyone to ask more questions regarding his relationship with Beth. Maggie now knew at least a small part of it, the only part that he was willing to admit to anyone.
"I would've been okay with it," Maggie said after a while. "You and Beth."
"There ain't no me an' Beth," Daryl retorted. "We're just...friends."
"If that's what you think, then you're blinder than I ever was before," Maggie told him. "I understand that you're not good with feelings, and I'm gonna stop botherin' you about it... But I just needed you to know, that if there ever was a Beth and you... I'd be fine with it."
"Things ain't gonna change, Maggie," Daryl insisted. "That don't mean that I ain't gonna protect her though."
"You telling me that, shows me exactly how much things already have changed," Maggie said.
"I would've protected her back then too. At the prison," Daryl frowned. "She was always innocent..."
"You misunderstood me, I think," Maggie eyed him. "I meant that you actually telling me that you're gonna keep Beth safe, no matter what... You've changed. You wouldn't have told me that before. That's the change I was talking about."
They left the conversation at that because Daryl wasn't going to deny it. He had changed a lot since Beth had gotten shot and there was no point in trying to keep that from anyone because they had all seen it. For a while, he had gone back to being the person he had once believed himself to be and he had pulled away from everyone around him. After Rick had confronted him in that bar, where he had finally told his friend that everything had changed during that time he had been alone with Beth, he had finally been able to get at least a small part of himself back.
He had always been worried about what people thought of him afterward. What they thought about him and Beth... He didn't want to care, but there was no way not to.
Now, Maggie had basically given him the green light, telling him that she would be fine with him and Beth, if they ever did get together and Daryl was once again caught between elation and confusion. On one side, he was happy to know that Maggie wouldn't actually shoot him if he finally decided to act on the things he was feeling, but on the other, he didn't know if it meant that she was now expecting him to act on it.
He knew that after everything that had happened today, Beth would most likely pull back from them all. She wouldn't be able to trust them after it came out that Maggie had been pretending that everything had been fine between them before she had been shot.
Daryl knew that he had gotten a glimpse at what would happen between him and Beth when the young woman learned that he too had been lying to her about their past and he wasn't sure what to think about it. He knew that on some level, he was screwed either way. Beth's reaction today had only proved that once it came out that he had lied to her, he would most likely lose her all over again and this time, he feared, that it might be permanent.
-§-
Beth had been furiously writing in her journal when Rosita and Tara had decided that they should crash her privacy. At first, Tara had tried to defend Maggie's choices but Beth had quickly shut her up, telling her that she didn't want to hear about it anymore.
If anything, all she wanted to do was just leave it in the past, like Morgan had suggested.
Leaving it in the past didn't mean that she couldn't still be upset though and the thing that upset her the most was knowing that Maggie had lied to her.
So when Rosita and Tara decided to change the subject into something else, Beth didn't object. Until, of course, Tara brought up Beth's relationship with Noah.
"What about me and Noah?" Beth frowned, looking at the brunette curiously.
"Oh, come on," Tara nudged her. "There's something going on there, isn't it?"
"What? No!" Beth exclaimed, not being able to help the giggle that escaped her. It was such a ridiculous thought to her, but she understood how the others in their group might have misinterpreted their friendship for more. "Noah and I are just friends," Beth told them.
"You sure there isn't something else going on?" Rosita asked. "I mean, he isn't exactly bad to look at."
"Rosita," Beth said, shooting her a look. "I'm one hundred percent sure that there's nothing going on between us. We're just friends."
"I told you so!" Tara said, nudging Rosita in the side with her elbow.
"Wait, have the two of you been discussing me and Noah behind our backs?" Beth frowned.
"Oh, no," Tara quickly denied. "We got bored on the day that you guys went on the run, that we sort of started imagining who would pair up with who to repopulate the Earth."
"And you thought of me and Noah?" Beth couldn't help but laugh at that. She tried to tell herself that she wasn't merely laughing because she was trying to cover up the fact that every time someone brought up the run that had been a major failure, she got that awful feeling inside of her when she remembered that officer in the hospital that she and Noah had been in.
"Well, she did," Rosita said, pointing at Tara.
"I totally would have wanted you for myself first though," Tara admitted, making Beth laugh again, this time genuinely at their silliness. She almost felt normal again.
"Oh? And who was your choice for me then?" Beth challenged Rosita.
"Daryl."
Beth stopped laughing almost instantly and her smile wavered as she felt her cheeks heat up. "Daryl?" she asked.
"Yeah, Daryl Dixon," Rosita repeated. "Hunter extraordinaire, kind of has some anger issues that he probably should deal with at some point."
"Why would you...? Me and Daryl?" Beth scoffed. "That's..."
She stopped talking when she realized that she didn't know what to say. Instead, she stared blankly at both Tara and Rosita, blinking a couple of times as she tried to gather her thoughts.
"You can't tell me there's absolutely nothing going on there at least," Rosita insisted. "Not that it's any of our business, of course... But if you ever want to talk about it..." She finished her sentence off with a shrug, giving her silent support.
"I... I don't know," Beth finally said. "I guess, there has always been this kind of draw between us... At least on my part."
"A 'draw'?" Tara wondered, looking intrigued. "Care to elaborate?"
"I think... I just feel safe when he's around," Beth confessed. "It feels like nothing can get to me because he's there and I know he'll protect me if I need it, but at the same time, I just know that he would let me take care of myself too."
For a moment, something stirred inside of her mind as a feeling of familiarity rushed through her.
'You said you could take care of yourself... You did.'
She shook her head, clearing her mind as she blinked. Looking up at Tara and Rosita again, she noticed that they were watching her expectantly, as if they wanted her to continue talking about whatever it was that she felt for Daryl.
"We're friends," Beth said lamely, but she knew deep down that she definitely didn't feel the same way she felt about Noah toward Daryl. The things she had felt for Daryl in the very beginning were different from anything she had ever felt toward anyone else in the group. She knew that there must be more to their story, but she just couldn't remember it and Daryl wasn't telling her anything about it.
Today, she had learned at least some things from her past and it had hurt her so deeply that she for a moment had wanted to just lose it completely on her sister and spew out all the anger that had been bottled up those seven months that she had been alone with Morgan. Every day had been a struggle, up until they had found the farmhouse, and every single day, she had wondered who it was that had left her behind as well as who it was that had loved her so much that they had taken the time to bury her.
Now, it just felt like Maggie had done it out of guilt. Guilt for never believing in her in the first place. The thought of it just made Beth angry again, but she had promised herself that she would let go of it and try to move forward again.
So when she looked at Tara and Rosita again and she thought about her and Daryl and the things that had been stirring inside of her chest without her permission, she just sighed. "We're friends," she repeated.
If she managed to ignore the way her heart sped up just a little every time she thought about Daryl, her words still sounded like a lie, even to her own ears.
Note: Okay, I'm so sorry to all of those who liked where I was going with Maggie and Beth, but Daryl needed to vent and Beth clearly heard at least some of it. Now, she doesn't know if she can trust her sister, while Daryl has talked to Maggie and understood at least a part of where she was coming from. Also, Maggie did give him "the green" (pun totally intended but I'll deny it if you ask) light when it comes to Beth. Although, I think it might take a little while until they actually get around to doing something about it...
As I mentioned, I'm sick and I've lost my voice completely and school is killing me at the moment, so nice words might help cure me faster and thus make me write faster too! *wink wink*
Hope you enjoyed it though! Thank you so much for reading and for showing your continuous support. Hugs all around!
xx