AN: Apologies for the lack of posting, exam results messed me around. But, on with the story. Just for future reference, there will be a few M rated scenes (not saying who or what ;) ) but they will be clearly to marked. Anyway, on with the story~ Sarah and Emma
Lyra walked from the cabin, unable stay a moment longer with the others. She sat on her bed, staring blankly at the walls, trying to process what had happened. Someone under her command was dead.
A child was dead.
She looked at the pictures that used to be on her bedside table, now scattered across the floor. There weren't any pictures anywhere else on the boat but her Dad had kept a few in his cabin, now hers.
"I failed them Daddy," she whispered, bending down and picking up the one closest to her. There was a faint crack in the glass from when it had fallen but the picture was still clear and that was all that mattered. It was from ten years ago, her Dad still had his hair and she was nine, smiling as he taught her how to helm her new boat.
A memory filtered through.
"Can I look yet?" she whined, keeping her eyes tightly closed,
"Just a few more steps," her Dad laughed, guiding her along the harbour,
They stopped and Lyra could hear the faint snap of sails in the breeze and the sea air gently brushing her face.
"You can look now,"
She opened her eyes and saw a small boat with a plastic hull, moored in front of her... The sail had looked huge back then, towering over her.
"She's yours," he said as she stared at him wonderingly,
She threw herself into his arms,
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she yelled as he laughed and held her tightly.
"She needs a name," he said after she untangled herself from his arms.
She thought for a moment, this was important after all.
"Calypso," she said confidently,
Her Dad was lost for words for a second,
"Why?"
"Because you said your first boat was called that," she said as if it were obvious,
He laughed.
"Do you want to take her out?"
"Yeah! But I want to be in charge,"
"Well this boat is a little different to the ones you've sailed before,"
"Don't worry, I'll keep you safe,"
He laughed,
"I don't doubt that,"
"Yeah, and one day I'll be in charge of a huge boat and we'll go on lots of adventures,"
He ruffled her hair,
"Just be sure you all come home,"
She looked at him, confused,
"Of course we will,"
"But we won't," she said as the tears began to fall, "And you left me,"
There was a soft knock on her door.
"Piss off!" she growled, her voice coming out weaker than she intended it,
"Nope," Minho said, coming into the room,
"Get out!" she yelled,
"What's got you so pissy?"
"None of your damn business!"
"I've lost a brother, you have no right to be upset,"
"If you're going to throw accusations in my face, then just leave me alone,"
"Accusations? What are you on about?"
"Just stop, why are you even in here?"
"The storm's dying down," he said as if dazed, "I thought you'd want to check the sails aren't ripped,"
"Fuck the sails,"
He looked at her strangely for a second,
"Are you blaming yourself for this?"
"Aren't you? It's my boat, you are all my responsibility,"
"No, we all knew the risks when we got on a bloody boat,"
"He was a child,"
"He was Thomas' brother and my friend, he was ours to protect,"
"Then why aren't you blaming yourself? Or even Ally like Thomas,"
He laughed,
"Oh I am, but I'm also blaming all of us,"
"If he came out of the hatch then he would have been right in front of me, how could I not have seen him, seen something," The tears began building up again. She blinked them away, furious.
"Ally should have kept him down here, Thomas should have seen something, we all should have heard something. But we all failed,"
She couldn't stop the tears from falling,
"I know, but I can't help it... the guilt," she confessed feeling her voice break a bit,
He stood by the door, unable to say anything but unable to leave. He moved to the sofa and sat opposite her, not touching but understanding. And that was all she needed.
Newt had gone back to his room after Ally walked away from him, nothing to be done but try and get his head around the fact that Chuck was gone. Drowned. Possibly still floating in the water, very much alive, but impossible to find.
Minho was there, sat on the top bunk.
"Why?" Was all he said, staring into space,
Newt shook his head,
"Why him?"
"I don't know," he whispered, adding, "The storm's calming," to try and change the topic.
"I should go and tell Lyra," Minho mumbled, leaving him as he jumped down and left the room.
Newt sighed as he sat down on his bunk. He hadn't known Chuck that well, but losing one person was one person too many. A child.
A child who had covered Ally's desk with pictures and brought them food and-.
He cut himself off. He was done with guilt, not that he still didn't feel it. He had just let go of the stabbing pain his family had left him with, he couldn't go back. Not now.
Ally was done.
She had lost Rhea and kept it together for Lyra but Chuck was too much. She had technically been in charge of him and she had seen the way he had followed her around, doing everything she had said. He had looked up to her and she hadn't blamed him. She had cared, so much. Too much.
So she was done. If she didn't care about the others then when they inevitably left or died, it wouldn't hurt. This guilt, it was just too much.
So she lay in bed and didn't move, didn't feel. Just shut out the world.
They didn't move until the next day, no one willing to go up on deck and examine the damage.
Lyra emerged first and woke up the others, knocking on their doors.
Only the boys came out. Thomas' eyes were bloodshot but at least he was up and functioning. Minho walked over to him and they talked quietly in the corner as Newt walked over to Lyra.
"What do we need to do today?" he asked and Lyra silently thanked him for his attempt at normalcy.
"Most stuff was washed off the deck last night so we need to work out what we have lost. The sails need to be checked and Ally needs to get out of bed so she can work out where we are,"
Lyra walked over to Ally's door,
"Get up," she snapped, banging on her door again, "we have a lot to do,"
Ally emerged silently, long blonde hair a mess and for the first time not even tied up but she was in clean clothes. Lyra raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.
She called the boys over and explained her plan,
"Okay, time to carry on. Ally, can you find our location? We also need to check for damage. The sails could be ripped and someone needs to check the hull and rudder, any volunteers for a swim?"
There was a silence that almost became too long when Newt said, rather begrudgingly,
"I'll do it, I've repaired boats like this,"
"Fab, we'll tie a rope around your waist. Minho, put down the anchor and Thomas help me with the sails,"
They moved to their respective places. It didn't take Ally long to turn the machine on and read the map but she didn't want to join them on deck. The drawings were still everywhere and she tore them down. But she couldn't bring herself to throw away the evidence that he had lived. She folded them up and stuffed them in the bottom of one of the storage units.
His paper was still lying on the floor next to her chair, waiting for him to return.
That disappeared too, hidden in the same place.
"Ally!" Lyra's voice drifted down,
She closed her eyes, wondering how long she could leave it before Lyra got angry.
"ALLEGRA!"
There it was.
She made her way up and Lyra shoved a rope into her hands.
"All sorted?"
Ally nodded,
"Good, help me hold onto this, Newt's about to jump in,"
She looked up and saw Newt wearing a dry suit that hung off him, clearly a couple of sizes too big. Ally assumed it had belonged to Lyra's' father. His life jacket clung tighter which she supposed was a good thing. Newt, however, was looking less than happy to be entering the water. He climbed down the ladder at the back and into the cold sea.
Ally wondered if the salt water would help heal his leg.
The boat got away with no damage but it did nothing to ease the crew's minds. They set off again after lunch, once again heading north. The joking and talking that had helped the endless hours go by were gone and Thomas suspected it would be awhile before they were back to how things were before. If that was even possible.
He descended into the cabin with the others after sunset and sat down, looking around tiredly. He was instantly awake when he saw the navigation desk.
"Where are his drawings?"
Ally looked at him slowly and shrugged, "Gone," was all she said,
"Where? What did you do with them?"
"They were in the way, no need for them,"
"You had no right," he seethed,
"Oh stop whining Thomas, they're in that drawer," she pointed to the kitchen,
He shot her a glare as he stalked past and checked they were in there.
"If you had destroyed them," he spoke quietly,
"Stop being so sentimental, they're just drawings," she snapped,
"Ally, stop being a bitch," Lyra commented as she came through the hatch,
The other girl huffed but didn't say anything else.
Newt had watched the whole interaction between Ally and Thomas but hadn't stepped in. He didn't know how to help, she had pushed him away last night and that should have been a sign to step away. He shouldn't care but to his annoyance, he did.
Over the next few days Newt watched as time and time again Lyra tried to talk to her, break her out of it, but Ally just ignored her. She dragged a dark cloud around her and Newt was glad she wasn't on deck. She projected her emotions too clearly.
After yet another argument between her and Thomas she stormed back to her cabin. He expected Lyra to follow her but the girl just looked at her friend's door sadly and turned to Thomas.
"I'm sorry Thomas, I really am. I… I've never known her to be like this,"
Newt hadn't tried to talk to her. If she wouldn't talk to Lyra, why would she talk to him? He left her alone, maybe she just needed time.
Ally made it to her room before the tears started.
I don't care, she told herself.
The others looked at her like they didn't know her anymore, maybe that was good.
I don't care,
The more she told herself, the easier it was to believe. But why did the tears still come?
She waited for Lyra to come in and rant at her for being a bitch as she had done every night.
She never came.
She had done it. Finally they would stop trying to get her to care again. She could stay here, alone. No one hovering over her shoulder. No one caring.
Her tears stopped. There was no need for them anymore. There were no tears left to fall.
Ally didn't appear for food but no one made any move to bring her some. Newt raised his eyebrow at Lyra but she caught his eye and shook her head.
"I'm not going in there again tonight,"
"It's only been five days,"
"I don't care, she's not rational, and it's clearly not working,"
"What do you mean?" Newt pressed,
"She just doesn't listen to me! She carries on hurting everyone around her and I'm sick of being the one to deal with it. She can make her own choices, and she has. It's not my duty, or anyone else's, to help her if she refuses it,"
He nodded.
"I'll go chuck her some food then,"
"She can come out and get it. I won't tiptoe around her, no matter how catatonic she is. If she wants some goddamn food she can bloody well get her arse out here and stop sulking. If Thomas can attend meals, then so can she,"
"Fine,"
He sat where he was, it still didn't sit right though.
Once Lyra had left for bed later that evening, Newt grabbed the open tin and limped to Ally's cabin, knocking on the door gently,
"What?" the muffled voice came through the door,
"I brought you some leftovers," he said, opening the door.
She lay on the bed blankly, staring out of the skylight,
"I heard Lyra,"
"Still doesn't mean you shouldn't eat,"
"I'm not hungry,"
"Everyone on this boat is hungry,"
She turned onto her side, away from him,
"Just leave,"
"No,"
"Yes, you will," her voice was so empty,
"We are trying to help you, why won't you let us,"
"Why can't you see that I don't want help, I don't need it. I don't care. Not anymore,"
"I care," he kept his voice steady, he needed her to know he meant it. He cared about her, he cared about all of them,
"No. You don't." she matter-of-factly,
"At least eat-"
"Stop pretending I matter!" she put her hands over her ears, "I don't care about you, or anyone on this boat. I'll help you get to land but that is all. Now get out!"
"Or what?"
"I'll make you,"
He laughed weakly, "I'd like to see you try,"
That was the wrong thing to say. She jumped off the bed and turned around, her butcher's knife in her hands. Her eyes were red but no tears fell and her cheeks were not wet.
"Get out," she said calmly,
"Jesus, okay, I get it," he said, slowly backing out the door, adding under his breath, "Psycho"
Minho was standing on the other side.
"I see that went well,"
"Shut up," he snarled before going into his cabin and slamming the door. He had tried.
He didn't go to see her again.