He's reading when he hears her come home, the unmistakeable sound of keys grinding into the lock on the front door permeating the silence of a house long put to bed. Robin glances over at the clock on the nightstand as he marks his page in Wuthering Heights (one of Regina's favorites from this world) and tosses the novel toward the foot of the bed. 12:43. Later than he was expecting her, but early enough that he thinks they shouldn't have too many problems tomorrow morning.
Or rather, he thinks as much until he hears a particularly loud thud from downstairs.
Oh boy.
Robin slides on his slippers and walks out of the bedroom, tiptoeing past Roland's door on his way to the top of the steps. He leans over the banister and peers down into the foyer, illuminated only by the lamp on the front table. "Regina?" he calls softly.
No response.
Robin hums suspiciously and then trots down the stairs. He stops at the bottom and curves around the banister to face the front door, immediately fighting against a shit-eating grin when he sees the sight waiting for him.
Regina- queen, mayor, wife, and mother- is sitting on the floor by the door in a rather ungraceful position, legs sprawled out in front of her, one shoe on, the other in her hand. Her sinfully tight red dress is rucked halfway up her thighs, and one strap is dangerously close to falling off her shoulder. She's staring into space, glassy eyed, a dazed smile on her red lips. She doesn't seem to notice his presence.
"Regina," Robin says again, louder to get her attention.
It takes a moment, but then she blinks and looks up at him, smile growing even as her eyes stay spacy. "Hey you," she slurs, reaching out to him with the hand that holds her one stiletto. "I missed you."
Robin lets some of his smile show, walking toward her slowly. "I missed you too, my love," he replies. "Did you have a good time?"
Regina is staring at him a bit stupidly and she hums as he moves closer, a confused little, "Hmm?"
"At Ruby's party," Robin clarifies. "Did you have fun?"
She blinks up at him contently for a second longer and then, "Oh, yeah! It was great." She looks down at her legs and wiggles the toes of her bare foot, giggling softly to herself, but then her eyes widen. "Robin! I lost one of my shoes!"
Robin smiles wider and crouches down so he's eye-level with her. "Check your hand, darling… no, your other hand."
"Oh," Regina smiles, holding up her rediscovered shoe. "I must've taken it off when I fell."
"You fell?"
"Huh uh." She pats the hardwood. "That's why I'm down here."
"I see. Well, how about we get you up, and then we'll head to bed?" Robin suggests, straightening.
"Okay!" she agrees happily, attempting to stand by herself, failing rather miserably, and ending up on her side with her legs tangled together. "Robin?"
"Yes, my love?"
"I'm stuck."
Robin chuckles and bends down, wrapping an arm around her waist and lifting her to her feet, steadying her as she wobbles. "Can you climb the stairs? Or would you like some assistance?" he asks, keeping his arm around her.
Regina isn't listening. She's practically hanging off him, smiling as she walks her fingers up and down the front of his t-shirt, humming some song softly to herself. "Hey, you know what?" she whispers loudly, leaning in close to his ear.
"What?"
"I think you're really cute." The way she says it, as if it's some super important secret no one can know about, makes him grin all the more. Gods, this woman.
"Do you now?" he plays along, digging his fingers into her side and making her giggle.
"Mmmmmhmmmmm."
"Well, you know what else?"
"What?"
"I think you're really cute, too," he whispers into her ear. "And I also think that you should get on my back right now so I can carry you up the stairs."
"Like a piggyback ride?" she asks conspiratorially.
"Just like a piggyback ride."
Regina smiles excitedly and bounces on her toes as Robin turns around, crouching low and reaching his hands back to catch her legs. She jumps on enthusiastically, colliding with his back hard enough to warrant a slight 'Oof!' as Robin wraps his fingers around her thighs. Her dress bunches up higher with her movement, so he's grasping bare skin and it is incredibly tempting, but it is also late and she is much too drunk to partake in any nefarious activities, especially not when they have to get up in the morning.
So Robin adjusts his grip on her, pushing her up a little higher on his back, and turns for the stairs, taking careful steps so as not to drop her.
Regina loops her arms around his shoulders and lets her hands dangle in front of his chest. Her cheek is right next to his ear, and he can practically feel her smile as he starts to climb the stairs, eliciting a girlish giggle. "You give good piggyback rides," she murmurs into his ear.
"Well, thank you, my love," he answers. "They are Roland-approved, you know."
"You should carry me like this everywhere," she declares, squeezing her arms tighter around his shoulders.
"I'll remind you of that in the morning," Robin chuckles as they reach the top of the steps. "I'm sure then you'll feel differently about having me carry you through all of city hall to get to the mayor's office."
"Mmmm… nope," Regina returns, popping the 'p' right into his ear. "I don't think so."
Robin shakes his head, smiling, as he opens their bedroom door and releases his grip on her legs, letting her slide gently down to the floor. She teeters a little, what with her one shoe and the alcohol and all, but she manages to stay upright.
"Why don't you work on taking off your other shoe, and I'll fetch your pajamas?" Robin suggests, guiding her to the bed and making her sit with a hand to her shoulder.
"But what should I do with this one?" Regina asks, quite stricken, as she holds up her stiletto.
"Well, you already took that one off," Robin says. "So what do we do with shoes when we're not wearing them?"
Regina twists her mouth to the side, as if contemplating quantum physics, and then lights up. "We put them away!"
"That's right. So I'll take the shoe you've already removed and put it away for you, and once you get the other one off, I'll put that one away too."
Regina smiles brightly. "You're such a good husband. It's a good thing I decided to keep you."
Robin chuckles and rolls his eyes, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of her head. "Yes, my love, I would say it's a very good thing." He takes her stiletto in hand and heads to the closet, setting it in an empty space on her shoe rack. Now for pajamas. He could find her silk ones, but those are nice and he has a feeling Regina might experience some rebellion from her stomach soon. Better to not get the silk ones covered in throw up, should it come to that.
T-shirt it is.
Robin walks out of the closet and over to his dresser, pulling out one his softer shirts, a green one Regina has a habit of touching whenever he wears it. He shuts the dresser drawer just as a familiar electronic ringing permeates the silence of the room.
He turns to find Regina- finally barefoot, thank goodness- holding up her phone (and where had she been hiding that? Lord knows she had no room in her dress for it) with the unmistakable FaceTime screen up.
Great. She's calling someone.
"Love, what are you doing?" Robin asks, walking back over to the bed. "It's late. We need to-"
"Emma!" Regina shrieks in delight when her call is finally answered. How she can tell it's Emma is beyond Robin, considering the only thing visible on the screen is a few dark blobs amidst the backdrop of technicolor flashing lights.
"Regina!" Emma's voice shouts back. "Guys, it's Regina!"
A chorus of other female voices echo similar exclamations of glee.
"Oh my god, we miss you!" Ruby cries from somewhere.
"I miss you too!" Regina says. "But guys, I need your help. I think I left my phone at the bar somewhere."
Robin tilts his head back, sighing in both exasperation and amusement.
"Oh my god, are you serious?" someone who could either be Snow or Ashley asks.
"Yeah, I need you to look for it!"
"We totally will, won't we guys?"
"Of course!"
"Absolutely!"
Robin clears his throat. "Uh, Regina? You're holding your phone."
She tilts her head and blinks, and then starts laughing. "Oh my god, you're right! I am!" she giggles. "Emma!"
"What?!"
"I'm holding my phone! I didn't lose it!"
A round of "Yay!"s get passed around and Robin lets it go on for a moment or two, but then he leans in to murmur in Regina's ear, "Darling, we really should be getting to sleep-"
"Is that Robin?! Guys, say hi to Robin!" Emma yells.
"Hi, Robin!" they all shout in unison.
Robin turns toward the phone and smiles politely. "Hi, ladies. Enjoying yourselves?"
He gets indistinguishable answers in response. "I think it's time we say goodnight, love. You don't want to be grumpy in the morning."
"I won't be grumpy," Regina dismisses, scrunching her nose a bit, and it's quite adorable, but the clock on the nightstand says it's past one o'clock now and they have a busy day tomorrow and despite what she says, Regina will most definitely be grumpy and more than a bit hungover, so the time for adorable antics is over.
"Alright, time for bed," Robin orders, taking the phone from Regina's hand and hitting the red button that ends the call.
"Hey, I was talking to them," Regina pouts as Robin tugs her back to her feet.
"There will be plenty of time to talk to them tomorrow," he sighs, turning her around and pulling the zipper of her dress down to her hips. He pushes the straps off her shoulders and the fabric starts to fall away, revealing the red lace underneath. Robin bites the inside of his cheek because drunk or not, she's the sexiest thing on two legs and he can't help the twitch in his pants.
Regina spins back around as the dress puddles at her feet, a coy little smile on her face. "We don't have to go to sleep," she says, coasting her palms up his chest. "We can have a little… fun first." She presses herself against him, dropping a kiss to the side of his neck.
Robin swallows, itching to just devour her, and he very nearly does, his resolve evaporating as she continues to kiss and suck all over his neck. But he knows how drunk she is, knows how unfocused her eyes are, and as much as he wants to have his wicked way with her, she's not in any state for sex. So he grips her hips, and pushes her back gently.
"Not tonight, love," Robin says. "We need to go to sleep."
She pouts again, her bottom lip jutting out as Robin reaches behind her and unhooks her bra because he knows she'll be even more grumpy tomorrow if he lets her sleep in that. Apparently, that was the wrong move to dissuade her because her eyebrow quirks up and she gets that look on her face again, hands reaching to hook into the waistband of his pants.
"We can sleep later," she breathes into his ear, her bare breasts ghosting against his chest.
Robin sucks in a breath, shivering as her fingers trace against the sensitive skin of his hips. "Regina…" he warns, voice a bit thick.
"Yes?" she purrs, tongue darting out to trace the shell of his ear.
Oh, it would feel so good, to just fuck her, hard and fast, it's been at least a week, they're long overdue for lovemaking. She wants him, he wants her, it would be so good...
But no, no, she's drunk and they need to sleep and get up in the morning. So Robin pushes away his arousal and reaches around Regina to grab his t-shirt from the bed. She looks a little dazed, probably from both the liquor and confusion that he's not reciprocating her advances, so she doesn't exactly realize what he's doing, but when he pulls the shirt over her head and tugs it down for her head to pop through, she scowls, that bottom lip jutting out again.
"Hey…" she whines.
"Another time, my love," Robin promises, maneuvering her arms to slide through the sleeves. He presses a kiss to her forehead and then pulls down the duvet, helping her get into bed. "I'm going to get you some water, and I want you to drink all of it, alright?"
"That's not what I'm thirsty for," Regina mutters, crossing her arms like Roland does when he's frustrated.
Robin chuckles as he heads to the bathroom, grabbing a cup from the cabinet and filling it from the tap. "Maybe not, but it's what you need at the moment," he says, walking back over to the bed and handing her the cup.
"I need you at the moment," she mumbles, gulping down nearly half the water nevertheless.
"You can have me tomorrow," Robin promises, taking the cup and setting it on the nightstand after she drains the rest of it. "When you're a bit more sober, and a bit less grumpy."
"Wouldn't be grumpy if you just fucked me," she grumbles, burrowing down under the covers and turning away from him petulantly.
Robin lifts his eyes to the ceiling. Apparently he acquired a fourth child and wasn't aware of it. Still, he can't help but laugh to himself over her display of bitterness that is more appropriate for the likes of Roland or Lainey. He'll have to rib her good for this one in the morning.
Robin peels off his shirt, clicks off the light, and climbs into bed, eyeing her obstinately turned back with amusement. "What, so just because I won't have sex with you, I don't get to hold you either?"
She moves her shoulders in what he thinks is a shrug. "I'm not stopping you, am I?" she huffs irritatedly.
He shouldn't find her temper so endearing, but he does. And she is not stopping him from holding her, so Robin rolls to his side and shifts until he's pressed up against her, looping an arm over her waist to press her back closer to his front. Despite her put-off attitude, she noticeably relaxes under his touch, a slow breath escaping her lips. "Good night," she sighs, reaching for his hand and twining their fingers together.
"Good night, my love. Sweet dreams," Robin murmurs, pressing a kiss to the back of her head. "You're going to be so hungover tomorrow."
"Queens don't get hungover."
"Mayors do."
"If you're not going to fuck me, then shut up and go to sleep."
"Yes, Your Majesty."
It's not that sunny, but there might as well be a spotlight pointed right in her eyes, it feels that bright. Sure, she has sunglasses on, and a baseball hat, and there is a decent amount of clouds in the sky, but her head is pounding, and her stomach is rolling, and the sun just doesn't mix well with those things. She's going to kill Emma Swan and Ruby Lucas for talking her into all those shots of tequila last night. Throw up on them, and then kill them. Sounds like a good plan.
Robin had been right. They should have gone to bed sooner. Because now she has to sit on metal bleachers for almost an entire day as Henry's baseball team makes it through the rounds of the spring tournament. Who knew baseball fans could be so loud? She's switching Henry to a quiet sport first thing tomorrow. Like tennis. Or golf. Or archery.
Speaking of archery, her gifted marksman headed off awhile ago to her some water so she can wash down another dose of ibuprofen and he has yet to return. She would turn to look around for him, but that would involve moving, and moving might involve retching. Staring straight ahead would probably be the better choice.
A moment later, a perspiring bottle of water is suddenly being held out in front of her and Regina sends up a silent thank you to the gods as she takes the beverage and swallows down another handful of pills.
Robin- smug bastard that he is- chuckles as he sits back down beside her, pressing a kiss to the side of her hat. "How ya feeling?" he asks. "Still grumpy?"
"Keep asking and you'll get a fireball for an answer."
Robin laughs again and takes a sip of his own water. "Don't worry, love. Only six more hours."
Regina groans and pulls her hat down lower. She's never drinking again.