People had some really interesting reactions to the last chapter. However, I can very safely say that at no point will Cassie and Alexis be getting together.
I'm really appreciating all the support that I'm getting... but I certainly wouldn't say no to more! Please, just drop me a line and tell me what you think... I promise I don't bite!
As usual, thanks to Tad for her amazingly fast turnover with this chapter.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Like, c'mon guys... It's just getting mean now
Clearly, Kate hadn't done the walk of shame in quite some time.
"You know, if you want to get in undetected, it usually helps if you take your shoes off," Cassie supplied helpfully. She licked the spoon she'd just pulled out of her coffee cup. "Nice to know you still remember where the apartment is."
"Shut your mouth, Cassandra," Kate retorted, the bite of her words completely undermined by the grin spread across her face.
"Looks like somebody has had a good couple of days. Back at sunset, before you turn into a pumpkin, I assume?"
"Oh, you have no idea," Kate replied with a quirk of her eyebrow as she poured herself a mug of coffee.
"So… you quit your job," Cassie stated bluntly.
"I quit my job," Kate echoed, coming to sit with Cassie at the dining table.
"Are you freaking out yet?"
"Why would I be freaking out?"
"Well, 1) You've had a job every single day of your life since you were sixteen, 2) by quitting your job you've essentially thrown away a thirteen year old vendetta, and 3) are you even qualified to work outside the police force? Need I continue?" Cassie drawled, ticking the items on her list off with her fingers.
"I don't know. I have no idea anymore, Cass. But I feel free," Kate replied. "Free like I haven't felt since I was eighteen years old. I don't know what comes next, and I don't care. I don't care, Cassie. Me. Kate Beckett doesn't care about the great big black hole hanging over her future."
"So you don't regret quitting?" Cassie asked.
Kate paused, stirring her coffee with a pensive expression. "Quitting my job was the only way I knew how to quit Mom's case. If I can ever figure out how to be a cop without touching Mom's case, then maybe I could go back. But until I figure out how to be at peace with Mom's killer never being brought to justice, I can't be a cop. The temptation is just too great, and I've finally got my priorities straight. I'm done putting my life on hold for justice, and if I can only have justice or have a full life, then I choose life. I choose to live the way Mom wanted me to," Kate tilted her head slightly, eyeing Cassie carefully. "Why?" She asked, slightly suspicious.
"Victoria Gates called the other day," Cassie admitted.
"Once she was satisfied that you were alive and reasonably healthy, she asked me if I thought you'd want to come back?" Cassie started to fidget with her coffee mug.
"I figured you probably wouldn't even consider going back because of the Mom thing, " Cassie told her gently. "I figured this might help." Cassie left the room, and returned carrying a brown cardboard box. Kate gave Cassie a dubious look, but cracked the lid hesitantly.
"What is this?" Kate asked, slamming the lid down on the documents inside.
"That's everything you had on the damn board. Plus some other stuff that shouldn't be lying around the house," Cassie replied. "I couldn't handle having Mom's case up on the wall. The thought made me sick, but I know this is something you need to deal with. Come with me," Cassie ordered.
Cassie led Kate to the roof of the apartment building. She set the box next to the large metal drum (once the belly of a washing machine) that had been smuggled up by the dreadlocked couple in 8C for rooftop parties in the fall.
"I was thinking about it the other day," Cassie told Kate as she dumped the box onto the concrete "We both have these crutches. Stuff that we've just allowed to become a part of our lives, and all they do is hold us back. Mom wanted us to have these awesome lives, and we can't have them because we're holding onto shit instead of ditching it for the gold that we really want. I'm not saying we forget our mistakes, but I do think we need to stop punishing ourselves with them. It's time that we clean the slate." With that explanation, Cassie pulled a Zippo lighter from her pocket. Hearing no protest from Kate, she flicked the lighter, and held the flame to the wadded up newspaper she'd tucked into the drum.
They watched, as the flame grew brighter, licking its way across the crumpled pages of the Ledger. Cassie rooted around in the box that she'd carried up. She unsheathed the foil tray of painkillers, dropping the box into the growing fire. She stared at the pills, memories of what had driven her to take them fluttering through her mind. Slowly and deliberately, Cassie popped each pill from the tray into the fire, a sense of satisfaction blooming in her chest when she saw each pill swallowed up by the flame.
Cassie turned to face her sister. "Ball's in your court, Katya," she invited.
Kate was motionless, her arms locked at her sides, knuckles turning white as she balled her hands into fists. She couldn't wrap her mind around her hesitance. She'd given up the case. Her crusade for justice was meaningless if it meant she ended up six feet under. Kate finally had everything she wanted. The box at her feet was the one thing that had the power to change that. If she didn't destroy everything in that box, everything that was worth anything to her could be ripped away in a heartbeat. Even having let her quest go, Kate would be forced to live with an ear to the ground, just in case a few scraps of leftover evidence was enough to have the Dragon put a price on her head.
If she truly wanted to be free of the case, then she had to rid herself of any tangible connection to it. Otherwise she'd live in silent fear that Pandora's Box would keep calling to her, and one day, the temptation to open the box and nail the bastard to a wall would be too great.
This ended now.
Kate tore the lid off the box. She didn't spare the evidence a second glance. She picked up the stack of papers, and dumped them unceremoniously into heart of the fire.
"Watch out," Cassie warned, bending over the box. She silently uncapped the bottle of cheap vodka that had been her partner that night, and emptied it into the fire, gasping as the flames jumped higher, eating the last of the Beckett vices along with it.
Cassie turned to Kate. "I want you to look after my passport."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, clearly we've established that when life gets tough, I run hard and fast in the opposite direction," Cassie explained. "Actually burning my passport would be a really stupid thing to do, but at least this way if I want to run away from my problems to India or something, I'll have to go through you, and I trust you to knock some sense into my hard head."
"Done," Kate agreed. She slung an arm around her sister, resting her head on her shoulder. They stood silently, watching until the last embers of their bonfire burnt out against the New York skyline.
"I think you could do it," Cassie whispered as she rolled onto her stomach and pressed her face into one of Kate's pillows as she sprawled diagonally across the bed.
"Do what?"
"Be a cop, without getting suckered into Mom's case," Cassie answered. "From what I hear, you're pretty fucking extraordinary. And you get it, Kate. You've been there, and you know what its like for those families that have been left behind. I know you say that you became a cop to get justice for Mom, but don't pretend," Cassie wrinkled her nose at Kate before continuing. "You became a cop because you didn't want anybody to suffer like we did. You wanted to be the cop that did their job like it was a damn mission from God. And even though we may never have that door shut on why we lost her, you can give it to other people. And you DO give it to other people," Cassie sighed, and rolled onto her back.
"You've always been empathetic, Kate. You've always known right from wrong, and you've stood up for it, even if it meant standing alone. I wish I could do what you spent thirteen years doing. When Gates called, she told me that if you go through with the resignation, New York was losing one of the best cops they've ever had. Not just from this generation. One of the best cops they've ever had."
Kate came and sat on the end of the bed, back propped against the bed end. "And what if, one day, the temptation becomes too much? I get one lead, and I get sucked down that rabbit hole again. I've nearly died for this case, twice, and I've lost nearly everybody that I care about along the way. I don't have it in me to go down that path again."
"Isn't that what will make it different this time?" Cassie asked. Kate drew her knees up to her chest and gestured for her sister to continue.
"You've been in therapy since the shooting, right?" Cassie asked. Kate nodded.
"And all that time, you've been trying to make yourself better. Make the wall come down,"
"You know all of this, Cassie,"
"But you couldn't do it. You couldn't do it, because at the back of your mind, that murder board was still hidden behind the shutters. There was that little voice inside your head that whispered that if you got half a chance, you were going to take the bastard down, come hell or high water."
"Cass, where are you going with this?"
"The murder board is gone now. Any physical piece of evidence tying you to this case is in a pile of ash up on the roof. You decided that there was something more important. That you wanted Castle. Heck, that you wanted to be around for me. You decided that Kate. And that is what would stop you from going down the rabbit hole. You decided that something else was more important than vengeance. I think you can do it, Kate," Cassie nudged Kate's knee. "I think you can fight for the justice that we were denied, and know that it's okay to not be a superhero about it."
"Everything is so good now. It's so good. I don't know if I can bring myself to spoil it," Kate admitted.
"Kate, you can't live your life wrapped in cotton wool. Live bravely. If that bravery means you stay a cop, then do that to the best of your ability. If it means you do something completely different, then that's okay too. But don't let the rest of your life be dictated by something you're scared of possibly doing somewhere down the track."
"How did you get so smart?" Kate asked.
Cassie rolled onto her back and fluffed her pillow. "I've always been this smart. You just don't listen."
Cassie yawned as she unlocked the front door of the apartment to scoop up the morning paper. She smiled gratefully at Kate when she plunked a cup of coffee in front of her. Wordlessly, Cassie handed over the sports section and the headlining news to Kate. She flipped open the Arts section of the New York Times as her toast popped. Cassie stood and moved to the toaster, ignoring Kate's look of disdain as she smothered her toast with a healthy serving of Vegemite and avocado.
"Cassie, that is disgusting," Kate griped.
"I'm not asking you to eat it," Cassie responded glibly through a mouthful of toast. She picked up the paper and promptly choked on the food in her mouth. She coughed violently, and shot Kate a grateful grin when she placed a glass of water on the table.
"You okay?" Kate asked, hand on Cassie's shoulder blade.
"Fine," Cassie wheezed, her eyes watery. She pointed to the newspaper. "The Paris Opera Ballet is coming to New York," She explained.
Kate leant down to read the article, "Returning to New York City for a four week run is the Paris Opera Ballet, fresh from a triumphant tour of Europe. Inspired by the critical success of Aronofsky's The Black Swan, principle dancer Jacqueline Prideux suggests that the POB's reinterpretation of the Tchaikovsky classic is far more organic and sexually charged than traditional imaginings of the ballet, with an increased focus on the struggle between love and lust within the piece… Cassie, is this…"
"The same Jacqueline I had a short and passionate affair with? The one and same," Cassie supplied tightly, her grip on the coffee mug tight enough that she was risking shattering the ceramic.
"And you're freaking out?"
"Just a little, yeah."
"New York is a huge city. What are the chances that you'll actually bump into her?" Kate said reassuringly.
"Right. You're totally right," Cassie replied, eyes clenched shut like she was trying to convince herself it was true. Cassie looked up at the clock. "Shit! Kate, you need to get dressed!" Cassie ordered.
Kate raised an eyebrow. "What do you have planned now?" She asked dryly.
"Just get dressed. Everything is going to become clear momentarily."
By the time Kate trotted out of her bedroom, Cassie was entertaining Ryan in the living room.
"No, seriously, Cassie. What is going on?" Kate demanded.
Cassie smiled charmingly, as there was a knock on the door. She waltzed over to the entry; fishing her keys out of her pocket to open the multitude of locks Kate had put on the door.
"Javi, I'm so glad you're here. Come on in," Cassie invited. The second Esposito had stepped through the doorframe; Cassie slammed the door shut and flipped all the locks.
"Oh, hell no," Esposito growled when he saw Ryan sitting in the living room.
Cassie stepped into his path. "Oh hell yes," She shot Javi a glare, daring him to push her out of the way. "I'm staging an intervention," Cassie announced to the room. "Clearly, there are some unresolved issues here. You're not going anywhere until the three of you sort out your shit and share bromantic hugs. I'll be in my room," Cassie explained, side stepping Kate and moving toward her door.
"And what's going to stop us from leaving once you're in your bedroom?" Esposito challenged.
"You need keys to get out the door from the inside," Cassie opened her palms, showing both sets of house keys looped around her fingers. "Good luck breaking that sucker down. You know where to find me if you need me," She sang out cheerfully as she strode out of the room.
Esposito refused to sit down. Ryan looked like somebody had kicked his puppy. Kate could feel her blood pressure slowly rising past acceptable levels. The silence in the room was thick with tension. Kate felt awful. Her tunnel vision had hurt so many people, and she'd never forgive herself if she'd damaged Ryan and Esposito's friendship beyond repair.
"I am so sorry," Kate breathed, finally daring to break the silence. "This is all my fault. I put my blinders on, and I didn't care who I dragged down with me. I know an apology isn't enough, but it's all I can give you. I am so sorry, both of you. I was supposed to be your leader, and all I did was drag you into my nightmare."
"You're not the rat, here, Beckett," Esposito rasped, his tone so sharp that it visibly cut Ryan down.
"Take that back," Kate ordered. "Javier, I'm not joking. You're way out of line."
Kate ran a hand through her hair, her elbow on her knee. "We were the rats. We acted contrary to due process, to the ideals we swore to protect when we took on the badge. If Ryan hadn't had the balls to break the code, I'd literally be a smear on the pavement," Kate offered Kevin a weak smile. "It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up to your enemies, but an even greater amount of courage to stand up to your friends. I'm so grateful that you could be brave when I was so weak. I was scared of who I was without the case, and I let it blind me."
Kate turned to Esposito. "And I'm sorry I dragged you down with me. I took advantage of your loyalty. You have always had my back, no matter what, and I used that for my own advantage. That was wrong. It was so wrong. You might have had my back, but I didn't have yours."
"Of course I had your back, Beckett. What's a man got if he doesn't have honour?" Kate could see that Esposito wasn't going to be easily swayed on this.
"Do you really think we were honourable? We used the privilege the badge gives us to act like we were above the law. If we had succeeded in nailing Maddox, would the charges have even stood up in court? Honour is a good and noble thing, I agree with you, and Javi, you're one of the most honourable men I know. But honour is not being pigheaded. Honour is not belittling your brother because he was brave enough to act when we were in over our heads," Kate bit her lip.
"If anybody doesn't have honour here, it's me. So stop punishing him. Kevin is your brother, Javi, and he saved both of our asses."
"I'd do it again," Ryan said his first words quietly. "If I could go back in time, and do things over, I would do it again." He ignored the dark look he received from Esposito.
"You hate me right now. I get it. I broke the code. But at least you're alive to hate me. At least breaking the code means I don't have to face your family, and explain to them that because I wasn't man enough to stop you from charging head on at an impossible situation, and because of that, they get to put you in a hole in the ground and get nothing but an American flag for their trouble," Ryan said honestly. "And frankly, I'd rather lose your friendship and have you alive and hating me, than having to hate myself for letting you die."
"Beckett, you quit."
Kate smiled at the crestfallen expression on Esposito's face. "Not because of anything either of you did. And not because of the suspension."
Kate moved to sit on the arm of her sofa, balanced between her two former teammates. "I've been Kate Beckett: super detective, for thirteen years now. I've been completely defined by my job. I don't know who I am without that badge. I've hidden behind the job, and I've missed out on so much. I'm tired of missing out," she reached out to squeeze both of their shoulders. "So if you think I quit because of you two, I'm sorry, but neither of you are that special," she got a gruff chuckle out of them at her attempt to use cop humour to lighten the situation. "I quit because I'm sick of missing out on life because I've been too busy being trapped in a dead end case. Do not make me kick both of your asses for being stubborn. You guys need to start talking to each other… Unless you want Karpowski's team to overtake you for solve rates."
Kate stood and walked over to the other side of the room. There was nothing else she could do. It was up to the two of them now.
Esposito reached out a hand to Ryan. Ryan accepted it silently. In that typically male way, they needed no words to heal the rift between them.
Kate walked over to Cassie's door and tapped lightly. "You can let us out, now."
So... there was no Castle in this chapter. However, I did feel like it was really important to start facing down some of the issues that the finale left us with. I don't know about you guys, but Rysposito breaking up was freaking heart crushing. Not kidding, I don't think I've ever been in that sort of emotional pain before.
So please... Use the review box. Rant at me for the lack of Castle. I don't mind :) just tell me what you think!
Reviewers also get cotton candy :)