Chapter 13

No one stayed very long after Tim stopped crying. They didn't want him to feel pressured to talk constantly. They wanted to start the process, not force everything in one night. Ducky insisted that Tim stay with him until such time as he was genuinely ready to face things by himself. Tim didn't argue...mostly because he couldn't. Too much had come out that revealed just how little he had been ready to face.

It was another two days before he was ready to call his parents and talk to them. Even then, he waited until Ducky was gone because he wasn't sure how this would go and he wanted to be able to talk to them as naturally as he could. He waited until noon, knowing that his parents would probably be home. Then, he dialed.

"Hello, McGees. This is Naomi."

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, Tim. I'm glad that you called. Your father and I have been worried."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Tim couldn't think of anything to say. He knew he needed to call, but...

"Tim...are you angry at your dad for what Sarah did?"

"No. Not really."

"Then, what is it?"

"I'm mad at both of them...but at least Dad didn't go through with it. He let me stop him. Sarah didn't. ...and I'm selfish. She should have given me the chance to stop her. She didn't. I can't forgive her." Tim was relieved that he could say that without crying again.

There was a pause.

"Tim, I understand how you feel about that...but would you listen to what I want to say?"

"Yeah."

"Sarah isn't here to be hurt by that." Naomi's voice choked up for a moment. "She's gone. She's dead. She's taken herself away from everything. The only person being hurt by that is you...and I can tell that you are because you've hidden yourself away from everything and everyone who might remind you of your sister. I can't make you forgive her. I don't even know if you should...but, Tim, if it's hurting you...it's really not worth it."

"I don't know how to forgive her, Mom," Tim said. "Whenever I think about her...I'm really...really mad...except when I want to cry. I just...how could she think that this was the right thing to do? Didn't she know how I'd feel? Didn't she care? She said she loved me...right before I left that day. She didn't say anything else! Why not?"

"Because she didn't want to, Tim. Because she knew that you would stop her...because Sarah has always looked up to you and listened to you. She knew that if she mentioned what she was thinking of doing, that you would be able to persuade her not to." Naomi paused for a moment. "Tim, Sarah loved you and looked up to you, but she had made her decision and we couldn't stop her because she was determined to go through with it."

"It's not fair, Mom."

"I know, Tim. Your father and I have been talking to Dr. Jonas and what he told us is that we can think of suicide as being the ultimate selfish act. It's not fair, Tim, but life...and death...they're not fair, and that's not going to change. Will you talk to your dad?"

"Yeah." Tim wasn't sure he wanted to, but he would.

"Good. Sam..."

Tim heard his dad get on.

"Tim?"

"Hi, Dad."

"Bad memories, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I'm so sorry, Tim. If I could go back in time and make a different decision, I would. There hasn't been a day since...Sarah...since we found out what she did, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about what I almost did and wished that I hadn't done. Lucy Maud Montgomery said that 'we should regret our mistakes and learn from them but never carry them into the future with us.' I'm afraid that I'm not to that point yet, Tim. I've seen how you've struggled with what Sarah did and I know that a large fraction of it is because you've had to deal with it before. I'm sorry."

Tim felt his throat tightening up annoyingly again. He and his dad hadn't really talked about Sam's suicide attempt in a long time. They had tried to move beyond it.

"We don't have to talk about this, Dad."

"Yes, we do...because it's clear that it's still on your mind. It's still a problem, and I'm the cause of it, Tim."

"No...No, Dad. We've dealt with it. It's just...this...with Sarah."

"And the fact that you've already felt this kind of pain. I'm sorry that you were the one who dealt with it."

"Me, too..." Tim said. "I hate her, Dad."

"No, you don't. It would be easier for you, but you don't. You love your sister and you love her so much that you don't want to deal with what she did. I don't blame you. You didn't want to deal with what I almost did, either. Have you forgiven me?"

"Yes."

"Are you just saying that or do you mean it?"

"Dad, I love you."

"But do you forgive me?"

"I did...before this."

"And now, you're not sure?"

Tim laughed a little. "No, I'm not."

"I understand that."

"Dad, have you forgiven her?"

"Yes. I have."

"Why?" Tim asked. "Why can you forgive Sarah for...for doing this?"

"Because I know how she felt. Even if I think she was wrong, I understand that pain."

"How do I?"

"Well...Tim, I don't know what it will take for you. Facing up to what she did is one of the things that might help you...because her choices aren't going away. They won't change."

"I want it to be over, but it won't go away like that."

"No, it won't. Tim, it's no crime to admit that you need help. It's your choice, but think about it."

"Dad..."

"What is it, Tim?"

"I kind of...know how she felt, too."

"How?"

"When you and Mom had me seeing a shrink for a while...after you...I kind of...thought about it...but I never even tried...because I knew what it would do."

"We're all different, Tim. You're not going to understand it that way. If you want to understand, you have to see what Sarah herself said, not what you think she should have said. She sent us a letter. If you want to read it..."

"No. Thanks, Dad. I'll talk to you, later, okay?"

"Okay, Tim."

"And...maybe on the weekend...maybe I'll...come to Ohio...if you don't mind."

"We'd love to have you here."

"Okay. Bye, Dad."

"I love you, Tim."

"I love you, too."

Tim hung up and looked at the clock. He was supposed to go into NCIS to talk to Vance about everything that had happened. He didn't want to, but he needed to. Everything that had transpired since that day. He felt a lot different. Still miserable, but different. He took a breath, wiped his eyes, and tried to make himself presentable to go to work. No sense in broadcasting his misery...since he'd already done that.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Hi, Pamela. Is Director Vance ready to see me?"

Pamela smiled kindly and nodded.

"How are you doing, Tim?"

"Marginally better," Tim said.

"That's better than nothing."

"Yeah."

"You can go on in."

Tim nodded his thanks and walked into Vance's office.

"Hello, Agent McGee. It's nice to see you again. Have a seat."

"Are you sure, Director?" Tim asked with a weak smile.

"Yes," Vance said, walking around his desk. "Have a seat."

Tim sat down at the table.

"Now, I guess you're aware that you didn't actually quit when you told me you did."

"Yeah. Actually, I'm really grateful that you're going that route. I'm sorry for what I did, how I acted. It was really childish."

"You've been dealing with a lot, Agent McGee. It's hard to see a family member hurt themselves, whether that hurt is fatal or not. I understand that this has been very difficult for you. I hope you realize that the Sakota case is cold and that's not going to change."

"I understand. I was...hoping that I could...somehow justify everything by solving the case," Tim confessed. "...and it was stupid of me. It's ridiculous that I could think solving a case would make up for what I missed."

"Agent McGee, I'm no expert, and I don't know the details of your personal life, but let me tell you something important about family: You can't take responsibility for what your family does. It's not your responsibility. If your sister chose not to tell you anything, that's her choice, not your fault. You don't need to try and somehow fix things by gaining success in another area of your life. You just need to do what you've always done. You hit a patch of time when your work consumed most of your life. It did that for me, too. Things like that happen and you can't always control them. In fact, usually, you can't."

"Coincidence?" Tim asked.

"Yeah. I know that Agent Gibbs doesn't believe in coincidence, but I do. Sometimes, life just deals you that hand and you have no choice but to accept it."

Tim swallowed hard and nodded. "I don't know if I can yet."

"You don't have a choice, but, Agent McGee, if you need time to adjust, you can have it. I expected you to take time off much earlier. The time is still available if you want it."

"I do. I think I need it."

"Okay. That's fine. Don't worry about it. Take a week or two. Normally, I wouldn't be so blase about it, but I think it's important. Besides, you needed the time off after the pressure you had before all this started. So I want you to take two weeks off and then you can come back. All right?"

"Thank you, Director."

"No need to thank me. I don't want to lose one of my agents."

Tim smiled and nodded.

"Good. Go on. Take the time you need and we'll manage. I think Keating is stepping up to the challenge. I wish I'd thought of it before...and I didn't even think of it this time. Gibbs did. It has helped."

"Thank you anyway, Director. I didn't ever want to lose my job."

"Well, you didn't. Good luck."

Tim shook Vance's hand and then left. The team was out at a crime scene and so Tim just left without talking to anyone. He spent the rest of the day thinking...about what he might need to do.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky had spoken to Vance before leaving and was relieved to find that Tim had decided to take some time off. He didn't know what all Tim would do with that time, but he was glad that he was taking it.

"Timothy?" he called when he walked in.

Tim walked out of the study.

"Hey, Ducky."

"I heard that you're taking some time."

Tim smiled and nodded.

"I'm going to go to Ohio for part of it. Thanks for...for letting me stay here and for...forcing me to start dealing with this."

"It's my pleasure."

"Could I ask for your help with one more thing, Ducky?"

"Of course."

"Sarah...she wrote me a letter...and I wasn't in the mood to have it," Tim said with a weak smile. "I ripped it up, but I didn't throw it away. I want to...to put it back together and...and see what she said to me. I don't know if it will make any difference, but I think I need to see what she had decided to write to me...but I don't..."

"...want to face it on your own?"

"Yeah."

"Absolutely, Timothy. When do you want to go?"

"Now?"

"How about after dinner?"

Tim laughed self-consciously. "Okay."

"Then, come into the kitchen and we can help you mentally prepare yourself. Some tea, I think."

"Oh, Ducky."

"Tea will be better for you than coffee at this time."

Tim laughed again. "Okay, okay."

Ducky was happy to see a smile, no matter how brief. Tim hadn't smiled at all for a long time and this was a good trend, even if what they would do later would likely not result in a smile.