Chapter 14- Maps (Maroon 5)
I stared at Seifer in disbelief. Dad? He's a dad? I slowly parted my mouth but quickly shut it realizing I was still dumbfounded by this new information. His eyes moved rapidly for any trace of reaction but he apparently couldn't continue either. I felt all the air being drained from my lungs. "What?" I finally managed to breathe out. "What's going on?"
"Xion and I have a child together…" The way he said it was painful.
"Why have you never mentioned this to me? Where's this child?"
His hand covered his face as if this conversation was excruciating. "He passed away before he was even born." I felt my heart twisting in agony just hearing the words slip out of his mouth.
I carefully reached out to him. "Seifer…"
"Being in a hospital reminds me of that day." He looked so pained and heartbroken. He took a deep breath. "Namine screaming and the whole process of getting here was a reminder of it and I've pushed it away for so long. I-I just can't handle it…" I wanted to ask so many questions but seeing how lost he looked, I knew it wasn't the time.
I gently put my hand in his. "Let's just go wait with everyone else."
"I think I need some air." His hand slipped out of my grip and the moment we parted, I felt a distance I hadn't felt between us in a while. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until he walked through the sliding doors. I choked back my tears as I headed back to the waiting room.
x.o.x.o.
"Kairi." I felt a light nudge against my shoulder. I slowly opened my eyes to see my mom looking down at me. "Honey, Namine can have visitors. She asked for you first." I adjusted myself to see my parents, Sora, and Riku still in the room. Namine's parents were probably already in the room with Roxas. Seifer was no where to be seen. I stood up and followed my parents down the hall.
We met with a nurse who told Namine we were outside. Namine's parents walked out of the room. Maria walked out sniffling with Marcus's arm around her shoulders. She gave me a soft rub on the back as I walked passed her into the room. Namine was slightly sitting up in the bed with Roxas's hand around hers. The tear streaks were still visible. I carefully walked toward her as if any moment this calm would change. "Hey…" I whispered.
"Hi…" she said back quietly. I reached for her other hand and held onto it.
"How are you doing, sweetie?" my mom asked putting her hand on Namine's forehead to brush her loose hair away.
"I'm okay, just sore."
"So what's the verdict?" my dad asked sitting next to Roxas. Roxas didn't take his eyes off of her for a second.
Roxas sighed. "Bed rest for now while we wait for results. They did an ultra sound and everything sounds okay. The baby's heartbeat is still steady and clear."
"That's good news," I said giving a reassuring squeeze to my best friend's hand.
"I'm sorry I ruined the party," Namine sighed.
I let out a quiet laugh. "It doesn't even matter. You're way more important than some party."
She gave me a sad smile before glancing at the door. "Where's Seifer?"
"He's…" How do I say this in front of everyone, especially my parents who knew nothing about the real drama that followed him.
"Right here," I heard a voice behind me. Seifer was leaning against the door with his hands in his pockets. He walked forward and stood beside me. "How are you feeling, Namine?"
"I'm okay now," she answered sleepily. "I'm on morphine so I'm a bit groggy."
"We're going to let you get some sleep, dear," my mom said rubbing her arm.
"Thank you for everything," Roxas said finally breaking eye contact.
"Of course. Let us know if you need anything," she said giving him a hug. "Keep us updated." She gave me a kiss on the forehead before leading the way for her and my dad out into the hall. As soon as the door closed, Namine looked at the two of us.
"Is everything okay between you two?" she asked.
I glanced up at Seifer hesitantly. "We don't need to talk about that right now," he answered. My chest tightened up. "As long as you and your baby are okay then that's all that matters."
I saw Namine and Roxas give me quick look before looking back at my boyfriend. "Yeah, we're okay for now. Thank you," Namine said quietly.
Seifer cleared his throat. "There's some stuff I have to take care of in Twilight Town. I have to leave tonight."
"What?" This information had caught me off guard. "You're leaving? For how long?"
"I'm not sure, but I have to get back to my apartment to grab a few things." Seifer put his hand on Namine's wrist. "I'm glad you're okay Namine." She gave a small nod in acknowledgement but looked just as confused and surprised as me. Seifer turned back to me. "I'll let you know when I make it." He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and left the room without saying anything else. I was too stunned by the news that I couldn't move.
"Go," Roxas said suddenly.
"What?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Kai, go. It's okay. I'll let you know what's going on as we get the information. Go figure out what's happening," Namine urged. "I'll be okay."
"I can't leave you like this," I said shaking my head torn between right and wrong. "I'm not leaving."
"Kai," she said sternly. "Go. I promise I'm okay now." I swallowed. "Go."
I hesitantly got to my feet. "Are you sure?"
"Go before it's too late and you regret not going," Roxas nodded. I still wasn't sure if it was the right move but I nodded and stood up. They both gave me reassuring smiles before I walked out of the room. My heart was rushing as I tried to figure out my next move. I hurried down the hall toward the parking lot. As soon as the fresh air hit my face, I realized what exactly was happening. Seifer was leaving to go find Xion. I looked around to try to spot Seifer's car in the general area of where he parked. I saw the headlights turn on to his black car. As he was getting ready to head down the lane, I bolted in front of the car and slammed my hands on the hood catching us both off guard.
"Kairi?" he said leaning his head out of the window. "What the hell are you doing? I could have hit you!"
I was trying to catch my breath. "Good thing we're at the hospital then, huh?" I knew it wasn't the time for any jokes but I knew if I didn't try to lighten the mood, then I'd be in tears.
"Kairi, go back inside," he insisted.
"You can't leave," I called back. I walked over to the passenger side and climbed in.
"I need to do this."
"Not without me," I whispered, realizing how selfish I was sounding.
He rubbed his temples and sighed. "You're not going to like it." I didn't say anything. "I'm going back to Twilight Town to talk to Xion."
"How do you know she's going back home?" I asked quietly wondering if they were still in contact.
"After we went to Twilight Town, Ryuu and Xion kept in contact and he told me." I was left speechless for the hundredth time again. "She came to see me to talk tonight."
"I saw…"
He looked at me. "You did?" I nodded slowly. "I guess she panicked when she actually saw me and left, then the whole thing with Namine happened."
"What do you need to say to her?" I finally questioned.
"I don't know yet. I guess there's a lot to talk about," Seifer said.
"I'm staying. You're not doing it alone," I said buckling my seatbelt. He didn't look like the happiest person in the world but I think he gave up trying. He sighed and finally went into motion. We stopped by his apartment to grab a change of clothes and luckily he grabbed a couple things of mine as well.
It was late by the time we were headed two and a half hours north. My mind was filled with everything going on and it was exhausting. I pulled my knees to my chest and curled into a ball in the passenger seat. The city lights were glistening behind us in the rearview mirror as we began up the shore. The disconnect was suddenly in the air between us and the familiar feeling I had from two months earlier was bearing an evil grin. What happened this time? Why did he need to talk to Xion and why was she there? Maybe things were never going to be normal between us, and that was what was causing the tears to build behind my eyes.
I felt like I was asleep forever by the time the rain hitting the car woke me up. We weren't moving but we were still on the road because I could hear an occasional car passing by. I glanced at the clock before I made any movement. It was nearly midnight. I carefully relaxed my legs back to the floor and sat up right. Seifer was sitting in the drivers seat watching the rain fall with the low rumble of the radio on. I heard him sigh quietly before saying, "you should move on…"
It took a moment to process the words I had heard. I could feel my stomach twist and my heart beat a little faster. It definitely woke me up faster. "What…?"
He slowly turned to look at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes. His mouth opened slowly. "I think you should move on…"
My voice got trapped in my throat and I felt panicked. "Why?" I managed to choke out.
"Because we're too dysfunctional." Tears started trailing down my cheeks as I saw tears swell up in his. "I have too much baggage to hold a real relationship and I can see that you're still torn between Sora and me." It hurt to hear it. I couldn't still be caught between them, could I? The thought of not having either of them in my life wasn't what I wanted. I put my head in my hands as I softly cried. I'm such a terrible person…How could I have done this to either of them?
"I'm so sorry…" I whispered.
"Don't be," he said back.
"Is this the reason you want to see Xion?"
Richard shook his head. "No, I need my closure with her."
It was quiet. I watched the rain trickle down the windshield as my brain tried to comprehend this change that was unraveling around me. "It was never my intention to lead you on. I do love you, Seifer. I'm sorry if you felt like I was never being true to you."
"I never felt that way. I will always love you, Kairi. I'm sorry that this is happening." His hand aimlessly found mine and he gave me a reassuring squeeze.
"Does this have to happen? We can find a way to work, I'm sure of it." My voice sounded pathetic and needy.
"I wish we could, but this wasn't meant to last forever… I'm not the forever type…" It hurt to hear it but he was only repeating what he warned me about before we even became a couple.
I looked down at our laced fingers. "I wish I could have been the one to change that but I guess I have too much baggage of my own…"
He looked at me with a sad smile. "Let's get going." With that said, he started the car up again and we were back on our way. I stared out the window the rest of the way there. How drastic everything changed. I felt trapped in limbo with my emotions. A few tears fell occasionally as we drove on into the night. I didn't want this to end but we both had too many personal problems in our past to move forward; even me, no matter how badly I tried to deny that I was ready to move on with Seifer. Sora and I never got our full closure and with him being home, I couldn't deny the feelings that resurfaced when I saw his face. I glanced at Seifer and felt a pang of guilt and sadness. I never meant to lead him on.
I didn't even bother to look at the time by the time we pulled up to his large beach side home outside of Twilight Town. The air felt colder out here even though we were heading into July. I followed Seifer up to the front door where Ryuu was waiting. He glanced at me, looking surprised. "Hey Kairi."
"Hi," I whispered back as I slipped passed him and Seifer.
"Your room is all set up for you," I heard Ryuu say to Seifer. As I headed up the stairs to find a bedroom, I looked at all the pictures on the wall. I didn't know if I just didn't realize how many there were of Seifer as a teenager last time or what, but I felt like I was finally getting a glance at his youth.
"You can share the room with me if you'd like," Seifer said behind me once we reached the top.
I turned to look at him. "Are you sure?"
"I can't bare to sleep alone right now…" he said quietly as he opened the door to the master bedroom. He would have slept alone tonight if I hadn't jumped into his car but I wasn't going to mention that. The room was dark and even though I had slept in here before, it felt like a completely new place. I grabbed my bag that Seifer had packed for me and walked into the bathroom to change. I stared at my reflection under the intense lighting above the mirror. I looked drained and sad. Digging through the small pile of clothes, I found my lighthouse necklace. My lungs felt constricted as I remembered our last journey out here and remembering the wonderful family who bought this necklace for me and how perfect Seifer was with their son. I remembered the greatest birthday surprise at the hotel and the gift of tickets to go to Radiant Garden. I remembered our first date to the Discovery Museum and our night at Willie's club dancing to our song. I slid to the ground and began to cry uncontrollably.
How could I have been so dumb to let my emotions get the best of me? I fell hard for a man who resisted the idea of a relationship. I was still hopeless over Sora who was engaged to be married but called it off because of me. I couldn't let anyone happy because I couldn't be happy myself. It was the most atrocious feeling ever. It was pathetic.
"Kairi?" I heard Seifer said behind the door. I couldn't even answer. He appeared in the bathroom and sat on the ground next to me. His arms wrapped around me and he put his head against mine. "I'm so sorry."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't be. You warned me and I came in too fast, too strong into something that wasn't meant to be," I choked.
"No, it's not your fault. I meant everything I did for you. You helped me more than anything."
I looked up through my blurry vision at his beautiful face. "How?"
"You helped me see that there are people out there who want the best for me. Because of you, I know what I need to do in life. I can finally break free from what's been haunting me my whole life. If it weren't for you, I'd probably still be the man I told you I was- broken, sleeping around for the hell of it, careless, selfish. You made me believe that I'm so much better than all of that. I know I have self worth and that I can open up about life to move on to something better." His words were exhilarating and beautiful. I could barely believe I made him feel even the slightest bit of emotion close to what he told me. "You saved me, Kairi."
I leaned in and hugged him tighter. "I wish it wasn't ending…"
"Me either…"
"Then why does it have to?" I whispered into his ear.
"Because after I talk to Xion, I'm moving on with my life."
"Meaning what?" I asked sitting back and wiping my tears away.
"I'm not quite sure yet but I won't be staying in Destiny Islands much longer. It's time to follow my heart and I'm doing it because you need to do the same."
I looked down feeling so cried-out. "How do you know what my heart's saying when I don't even know?"
Seifer lifted my chin up so that our eyes met under the florescent lights. "Because you just have to start looking all around you instead of what's right in front of you. You love Sora and Sora loves you. It never stopped happening and I risked that chance sending you to see him for graduation. I meant what I said when I needed you, though. I do need you and I always will because you're now part of me and I owe you everything for helping me be honest with myself. Just because we're moving on doesn't mean I never want to see you or hear from you again. I'm always going to love you."
"What do you expect me to do?"
"Be with Sora." He said it so calmly and matter-of-factly. My mouth parted but closed in surprise. "You two were meant to be. Just because long distance tore you apart the first time doesn't mean it can't work out now. He's back in the same town as you and the chemistry is so apparent that I'm sure the astronauts in space can see it." I smiled a bit at the analogy making him smile back. "It'll hurt to see you with someone else but trust me, it's meant to be this way."
"How'd I get so lucky?" I said softly.
"What do you mean?"
"To have met such an amazing person like you. I never would have pictured you to be this way when you started flirting with me in The Pocket back in December. I thought you were just some cute bartender who flirted with everyone. Then with you being so persistent on not being in a relationship yet you let me in on your life in more ways then one. You're something special, Seifer. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise." It was so hard, yet somehow easy, to be making this closure with him. Just the thought of us ending was still a heartbreaker. I looked at my hands in his. "I guess I broke your record…"
"Of what?"
I looked up at him through my hair. "We lasted more than three months… barely, but it still happened."
Seifer chuckled and kissed my forehead. "The greatest five months of my life if I do say so myself."
"I could agree. Does this have to be goodbye though?" I asked sadly looking into his gorgeous sea green eyes.
"We'll never have a goodbye."
"Promise?"
"Promise." I smiled as I leaned into hug him. "Let's get some sleep." He helped me to my feet. I didn't even bother changing as we climbed into the cool sheets of his old bedroom. It was soothing to know this wasn't going to be a permanent end between us. It was easy to sleep into a dreamland with that on my mind.
The following morning felt like a hazy dream. I felt like a zombie as I got ready and followed Seifer downstairs for breakfast with Ryuu. "How are you doing?" Ryuu asked Seifer.
"I'm doing okay."
"What's the plan for today?"
"Not sure. I think I'm going to go visit the site." Ryuu nodded and went back to eating his eggs without saying anything else. The site? What in the world is that? The three of us ate in silence before Seifer headed upstairs to grab his keys. As he walked to the front door, he turned to look back at me. "Are you coming?"
"You want me to come?" I asked hesitantly.
"I'll finally tell you everything else I promised to tell you." It wasn't hard to deny my eagerness as I quickly met up with him. We walked to his car and remained silent as we drove into town. I didn't even realize we had been driving for a while by the time we arrived to a large cemetery in the center of town. It was hills of green grass, large trees, benches, and perfectly shaped tombstones. I looked at Seifer as we parked and he climbed out of the car without saying anything. I hurried out of the car to catch up with him as he walked up the nearest hilltop. He came to a stop at the top and faced three large stones with a small one at the end. I walked up behind him and stared at the writing.
The one on the far right said Tim Smith and I knew it was his stepdad. Next to it was Elizabeth Gushiken-Smith who was his mother. On the other side of the granite stone was Michael Gushiken. My heart tingled knowing the two high school sweethearts were buried next to each other. If only Elizabeth knew what Tim was like to her only son then I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted his grave so close. Seifer sat down next to the furthest stone and placed his hand on top of it. I walked closer to get a better look. Shane Gushiken. I kneeled down beside it and looked at Seifer.
"Is Shane your son?" I asked quietly. He nodded without saying anything. "I'm sorry for your loss, Seifer."
"It's not your fault. It was mine."
"What?" I asked taken by surprise.
"Xion and I had been dating for just over four years when she told me she was pregnant. Initially we were a little surprised since we were in our early twenties and we didn't really have stable jobs. What saved us was all the savings I had built up from my inheritance. After the second trimester we became more excited and once we found out we were having a little boy, we went all out and started preparing for his arrival. I knew Xion was the one I wanted to be with and I even went out to buy her an engagement ring.
We were headed out to pick out a crib set and I was driving down the highway when a car stopped abruptly in front of me causing me to swerve into the next lane to avoid hitting it. There was a pick up truck that ended up hitting us. We spun and once we came to a stop and I realized what had happened, I saw that Xion was passed out beside me with her head against the dashboard. I heard people yelling outside of the car before I passed out. I woke up in the hospital with a cast and a concussion."
I couldn't believe he was in a car accident and just hearing him talk, he seemed to be reliving the anguish he went through when it initially happened.
"They told me that Xion was hurt pretty bad and that she was getting emergency medical attention. I went into full on panic mode but because I had just woken up, they wouldn't let me leave the room. It wasn't until a few hours later when the doctor finally came in to tell me the news. The truck hitting the passenger side of the car caused Xion's organs to rupture and the sudden shock to her body caused her to miscarry our son. They tried to save him but it was either him or her and ultimately he wouldn't survive without her. I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt when I heard the news." He fell silent again as he stared at the grave of his unborn son.
I laced my fingers with his and sat next to Seifer. I said a silent prayer for the baby and put my hand on the stone as well. "What happened to you and Xion?"
"We both went through a really hard time trying to recoup from the accident. We both went to therapy for it. I couldn't bare to be in the situation anymore so I decided to move on. I tried to be there for me but she couldn't do the same. Xion wasn't the same anymore and knowing I caused this beautiful young lady to be a mere shell of her existence wasn't going to better either of us. I moved to a few different towns and I offered to keep paying for her sessions. She never knew where I was and I really distanced myself from everything that reminded me of home. That's how I ended up in Destiny Islands."
"You know it wasn't your fault for the accident. You were trying to avoid one in the first place. Xion had to have known you had better intentions."
"Miscarriages change some people. She wasn't the same and it took a long time for her to get better. It even took me a while to accept everything, too. It's still hard from time to time to this day but I've accepted my fate and because of you, I realize it's time to officially move forward with my plans in life."
"What does that include?"
"Before Xion was pregnant, we planned to go to college. We didn't have a plan as to where we'd go but we knew we were going to go. I'm ready to move and go to college." He finally made eye contact with me.
I smiled. "How did I help you with that?"
"You have a degree and you're able to move up in life."
"Honestly though, you could have been the manager of The Pocket, with or without the degree I have."
"Yeah but your ambition is so much more inspiring, Kairi. You helped me in so many ways and I could never show you enough appreciation for that."
I leaned my head against his shoulder. "I'm glad I could help." We slipped into silence for a little while longer. "What's your plan on talking to Xion?"
"First, I'm going to see what she came to see me for. Then I'm going to tell her my plans and hope we can move on." Seifer stood up and held out his hand to mine. "It's about time for me to meet up with her so I better start heading out. Would you like me to drop you off at the house?" I nodded and we walked together to the car.
As I waited at the giant house Seifer once called home, I decided to call Namine to see how she was doing. "How're you feeling?" I asked.
"Better. I'm on bed rest for a couple weeks because I have Placenta previa which is where the placenta covers the opening of the cervix. As long as I don't do any extreme movements then I should be okay. How's everything with Seifer?" she asked.
"We're over," I said rather calmly.
"What?" she was so surprised sounding. "What happened and are you okay?"
I sighed lightly. "Surprisingly enough, I'm okay. It was time for us to be honest with ourselves and he's about to be as open and honest as he's ever been. He says he has me to thank."
"Wow…" For once I left her speechless.
"I'm glad you're okay though, Namine. I was so worried about you."
"Thank you for being there. I hope you can come home soon."
"I should be home either tonight or tomorrow."
I heard her hum quietly. "Are you sure you're okay?"
I laughed. "Yes, I'm okay. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Okay." We finally hung up. I stared out at the ocean view wondering where life would take me now. It was only a matter of time before fate mapped out its next step.
A/N: And now we all know what happened to cause Seifer to be the way he is. So this story is about to come to its finale. About two more chapters to go. Another mini hiatus will happen while I'm on vacation in Disneyland for Halloween and then I'm attempting to go back to college (just waiting to speak to someone at the university). We'll see how that goes since it's been so long. Reviews make me smile!