||~MISS~KIREI~||

Chapter 14: The hole in my heart

Blink

Blink

Blink

Kanou Soutaro looked at the body lying before him in horror. He was running out of time. If she were to wake up now, he would never be able to get the job done. He had to get the job done. What would he say to Takumi then?

His hands started to shake and he couldn't concentrate. The blood terrified him, which wasn't unnatural considering his fear of females and his weakness being blood. Blood was why he had chosen to become a psychologist instead of a proper, full-fledged doctor. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took off his specs as he tried to concentrate and align his chakras. His hands stopped shaking and he got to work as he took another injection and drew more of the drug which he normally used for hypnosis.

He had been working on a drug that, if reached its full potential, could assist in hypnosis and could go as far as brainwashing people. Well, not necessarily brainwashing but more like twisting the truth. He could twist someone's memories, and modify, edit, or delete them if he succeeded in developing the drug. Five years of hard work and a very thorough knowledge of organic chemistry helped him develop this drug, "the CP04", to what it was today. Although it wasn't perfect, it was still pretty strong. The test results showed a success rate of 70%, which was substantially more than what the existing medicine had.

He pulled her wrist and searched for her vein in her arm, as he held the injection carefully. The drug had hallucinogenic effects, which were only going to help Misaki, since she was in so much pain.

He hated being the person who had to do this to her. Even if he had despised her in the start, Misaki had grown on him. She inspired him to be better and to work hard with the best of his capability. And now, he was doing something to her which was just plain backstabbing.

Kanou gathered some courage while Misaki's breaths got normal and he saw her body relax. He picked up the piece of paper that Takumi had left for him and began to read.

His heart broke as he continued to read on further, and he had almost reached a point where he could not continue to read anymore, but Kanou could not stop now. For he had to become the one to make it all come true.

He looked at Misaki contemplatively as she lay half dead to the world. He wondered, what kind of hallucination must she be experiencing at the moment? He had hoped it wasn't a depressing one.

Now, he had the power to turn Misaki's life upside down. It was up to him to decide how much she would remember, and what would become of her. He set the piece of paper down as he took his specs off, beginning his work in a smooth, confident and calm voice.

"Misaki, now listen to me carefully. I want you to concentrate fully on the sound of my voice…and feel your breaths coming in and going out of your body…"

I could not hide from everything any longer.

After what seems like ages and ages of effort and unmotivation, I picked my shattered pieces from the ground and found the courage to get up. The colours had seemed to fade away and everything was just…grey. I decided to lock my thoughts far away and let everything be just as it was. Nothing worse could happen now. The worst part was over, and now anything that was bound to happen, hopefully was not going to hurt me as much as the initial days did.

With this little hope in my mind, I got ready for work.

A faded saffron dress seemed to match my mood perfectly. My blank face looked better to me than my always-acting-like-a-little-girl face. I felt myself mature over this span of a few days more than I ever had in my entire life. I picked up my laptop and keys, and got the fuck out of my room before it swallowed me into its nothingness again. I could not afford to fall back into the pit of absurdity again, not at the cost of my sanity.

Everyone seemed to be staring at me intently when they noticed me step out. I hadn't seen Aaron, Ian and Satomi in five days. They didn't speak anything though they did look bewildered and stared at me as if I had grown two heads.

It was a peculiar feeling.

I felt like I was being constantly watched as I plated my breakfast which the cook had prepared. It felt weird to me. It was like I was imagining voices, laughing at me, making fun of me, fun of my weaknesses. But as soon as I looked up, there was nothing.

Was I hallucinating?

I got back to my own devices and sat down on the dining table. There was fruit in my plate, and I was glad. I still couldn't shake the earlier feeling though. I didn't like it at all. Was I really so pathetic that I was being laughed at, by my own friends?

Was this high school all over again?

No. I realized I couldn't let this feeling eat me up now. Yes, I had behaved immaturely. Yes, I was childish. Yes, I was stupid. But now, I wanted to put it past me. Yes, I am weird, but, I couldn't just cocoon up till I died.

I got up from my chair abruptly, and the chair got dragged back as I stood straight and placed my palm on the table firmly.

"Mia?" I heard a few voices and felt faces with some strange expression staring at me, watching my every move. A rush of dizziness came over me as I decided to leave, but Satomi held my arm, scaring me in the process.

"Sit down and eat your food, Mia." She said sternly. I could feel the tense environment build up around me, so I decided to do as I was said. Nobody spoke another word to me and I just picked up my spoon again.

I felt an unpleasant wave run through my entire being as I remembered I had to go to an office in a few minutes. Even though I did make up my mind in my room a few moments ago. I felt my resolve weaken as Takumi's face came through my mind. I imagined him, not sitting in his office, in a formal attire, looking all serious. No, I imagined him to be something quite different. Something that I was sure he could never be.

I imagined him sitting by the beach, in a long, comfortable chair, with a book in his hand, his hair messed up and an unforgettable smile on his face.

But, the Takumi I knew, differed far from my imagination.

I wondered about the real Takumi, the one I met that fateful night, the one who the fake Takumi had trapped inside and almost killed. Would the real Takumi be like the one I imagined? Would he sit peacefully by the beach, reading a book, waiting for…"Misa"?

Oh god…not my thoughts again…

I gripped my spoon as tears threatened to fall. No. no. no. no. no. no.

No!

I could not afford to fall apart again.

At least not like this,

Not in front of everyone.

I got up and forced out a smile, "I'll wait in the car." I told them and left, calculating the amount of time I was left with, to fix myself before everyone came out.

I'd stopped trying to bring her back.

For she would return without even a word, in the faintest of my memories no matter how hard I tried erasing them. In my dreams and my nightmares, all the same. She would blow me away without even a knock, she would turn me upside down, and have me spinning across the room, with my head in my hands, and my sanity at her mercy. She would look down upon me, and laugh. I would imagine her cursing me out loud, saying that this was my punishment.

She would tauntingly say, "You really loved my face, didn't you Takumi? Then this is your punishment, you'll fall in love with all of my faces that you'll see in other women, but you would never find me in them." she would continue to laugh, and laugh, and laugh…until the laughter would become a painful cry, and there would be tears…tears covering her entire face…turning into blood…streaming down her neck…making her yellow dress dirty…the dress she had come to love so much…so much…

I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I would repeat over and over and over…I would scream out to the entire world if she would listen…but my cries fall deaf upon my own ears…I find myself calling out her name every now and then—in my dreams, while I sleep, or read a book, or while I work, or walk. The two syllables of her name are stuck inside my throat, and they don't come out of my system no matter how many times I call her name. No matter how many times I tried to kill those two syllables, no matter how many times I burn my throat with alcohol and suffocate myself. I can't rest my body without uttering her name at least once in a day. It's the only way I find my sleep, somehow.

"Mi..sa" I breathe out and feel strange as the words flow out of my mouth the moment I open it. I'm thankful to be left alone by the world, where I can say her name as much as I like, to my heart's content. I feel a sigh of relief surge through me as I run a hand through my hair. I know it myself, this has to be stopped, but I can't stop it—not without stopping my own heartbeat with it.

I've stopped trying to bring her back, for she comes back herself…without caution…without warning…Misa…a sigh of relief…a surge of comfort…Misa…making everything okay…I remember Mia's cries when she saw what she shouldn't have seen. I see pain in her eyes…I knew she was too innocent…I didn't want to taint her. I wanted to move forward in the future with a clean slate…but she comes back herself…without even a word…without even a warning. Misa…ruining everything.

The glass I had been gripping broke as my inner self revolted against my entire being…Misa…ruining everything? No…no…this isn't right…

Nothing was right.

I had to correct a few wrongs, and do myself a favour… Its been so long, so long since I'd seen a glimpse of my entire self…but now that I did, thanks to Mia Kirei, I want it back. I want to go back to my old self. Because I've been running away for so long…so long…its been five years…and I haven't lived a single day since.

"Mr Walker?"

I have to make things right…I cannot live under this curse any longer…

"Mister Walker?"

Japanese.

Who is speaking Japanese in Britain? Curiosity fuels me as I feel the urge to look up and move away from my thoughts…I look up… in hopes, could it be?

No, its not her. Its definitely not her. I remember now. I am in Japan…Yes, that's right. I came here to put the company back on its feet…yes… I have to correct all the wrongs…

I nod droopily. I hope the person doesn't find out I've been drinking. I can't recognize their face…who is it? I don't care…I almost laugh.

No voice comes, and I get back to my own musings…its probably morning now…I didn't realize I was up all night. I find my glass on the table again, and fill myself another…

"Mi…sa"

I nervously picked up my cell phone. It was now, or never. I had made my mind up, and I was going to see the end of it. My fingers shook as I tapped his name and dialled the number. I hadn't seen him all day in the office, and I was also informed that the company was on the verge of being shut down because of a government order. Everyone was working hard, at their maximum potential…I knew, Takumi was too.

He picked up the call and there was hesitation in his voice. My voice came out clear even though it broke inside. I told him I would see him when his workload lessens…he was understanding about it. Not many words were exchanged but I guess the message was clear. I said only as much as I could.

With the tightening feeling in my heart, I cut the call…knowing that the inevitable was near.

Dusk falls upon the land, orange and yellow hues paint the scene with such artistic strokes; the wind hums its favourite lullaby, one that speaks of goodbye…Goodbye to another day. I drag my feet away from the bright white lights and the smell of stale coffee and rain. It had been another hectic day. Another day filled with corporate uproar. Everyone seemed frantic, and working with the best of their abilities. I've been working for eighteen hours straight, and now it's the evening of another day. I stare at the mirror the moment I reach home, I need to fix myself.

A face wash, change of clothes, and a glass of juice later, I head out. I took the keys from Aaron and now I'm on my way to Takumi's house. I feel better now, since I have refreshed myself and cried so much that there aren't any more tears left for me to shed…

With my resolve of steel, I step on the gas pedal as I get out of the accommodation complex where I temporarily live. I hadn't touched a steering wheel in weeks, and it felt so good to drive again. As I drove through the busy streets of Tokyo that transitioned into the quiet neighbourhood as I drove by. My hands began to shake as I thought about facing him. It had been a week since I stormed out of his house. But now, I didn't want to run anymore. Even though a huge part of me was scared, vulnerable, and didn't want to do it, I still came.

I had to settle everything between us once and for all. I was going to let him go completely, for it would be morally wrong to cling on to someone who was already in love with somebody else. I could not do it. I could not.

Because I knew I couldn't make him love me more than he already loved "Misa" I had seen him be so real to me that night. The pain I saw in his eyes could never be overshadowed by stoicism that he fooled the world with.

My thoughts were going in the wrong direction again.

I decided to give myself another chance as I took a deep breath and cleared my thoughts. I was not going to dwell any further until Takumi himself tells me the truth. The gates of the mansion were in my sight as I pulled over. His guards seemed to have recognized me and let me inside.

I drove over inside and got out of the car at the entrance. The maid opened the doors for me as I got inside and smiled at her gently, I figured I didn't have to behave bad to people who didn't even know what was going on in my mind, so I put up a big smile as I went inside.

Takumi wasn't home yet.

I should have called him first, I think as I seat myself in the living room which was lined with large sofa seats on the sides. There were magazines placed on the glass table in the middle of the room, which sported a beautiful vase of freshly cut flowers. I picked up the magazines, only to find them disinteresting. For my mind kept circling back to the moments I'd spent here in this house, and the events that followed.

Even though I tried really hard to let go of the thoughts that only served as poison to my broken self, I could not get past the fact that I still hadn't discovered what that strange bedroom housed. Things went by so fast that I didn't get a chance to ask Takumi.

Well, I did have a lot of things that I wanted to ask him, but I had very little enthusiasm for getting out of my room that gave comfort to my tired self.

I wanted to know.

I needed to know.

My legs moved on my own as I got up from the seat, I left my purse and my phone right there, since I could not come to care anymore. I had this innate want…to know, and I figured, from my past experiences with Takumi, that if I just sat here thinking that a day would come when he would just open up to me himself and tell me everything I wanted to know, nothing was going to happen.

For I had to make a move myself if I needed to know, that was just how it had always been with him.

My mind had carefully memorized the path that led to that bedroom door, the door which possibly had all the answers I wanted. The door that would probably either break me up completely, or it would serve as a panacea. But I doubt it would be the former.

Regardless! I could not go back now. I had to know this to ensure my sanity! I reached the hallway on the second floor that was going to lead to that door, I had no problems locating it. The mahogany door came in my sight and I stepped towards it. My heartbeat sped as I stared at the door contemplatively, I felt fear grip my heart—what if I should not open it?

But fuck that, my mind screamed and I forgot my morals the moment I held the doorknob and twisted it. My resolve strengthened with every step I took inside the spacious bedroom.

I was speechless.

The room was beautiful.

Don't get me wrong, every room was pretty elegant in here but this particular room seemed to stand out. Lined up with shades of crème and blush, it had a subtle beauty to itself. The four post bed with simple yet elegant and the transparent white curtains made it more scenic. I could imagine the wind blowing softly, the curtains would dance to the rhythm of the wind and the wind chimes would sing a beautiful lullaby. There was a walk-in-closet, an attached bathroom which sported a huge bathtub in the centre with scented candles lined on its outline…the list of luxuries in the room were endless, but I couldn't have cared less…for I had been looking for something else.

I was getting way too ahead of myself. I kept looking around, and started to notice subtle things that indicated me the possible owner of this room… I seemed to have missed the most prominent things that stood out in this particular room.

Pictures.

On the walls.

The room was large, hence it had a lot of space that was put to good use by lining up a love seat, and a glass table. A few steps ahead lead to a small hallway that split up into an attached bathroom, a walk in closet and a balcony on the other side. The other side of the room sported transparent paper thin curtains that separated the four post bed. But one prominent thing that I could see were pictures, on all the walls.

Takumi's young face wasn't hard to recognize. I saw him, holding a night blue coloured cat with a pained expression on his face. Could it be his pet? There were many more pictures, of several other people I could not recognize. I saw a group of maids, standing together with a welcoming smile and a banner that read "Have a safe trip master~!" another with a girl, standing awkwardly with two more girls, wearing a school uniform. Perhaps his school friends?

As I moved towards the inside of the room where the bed was located, the pictures seemed to get more personal. Takumi's face had an innocent and young beauty to it that seemed to have gotten lost along the way. He was probably in his teenage or young adult years when these pictures were taken…probably twenty or so… as the pictures with unrecognizable faces changed with every couple of steps that I took, the face of a raven haired girl started becoming more prominent in pictures and I could see her in every single one of them.

He looked happier.

With her.

The pain in my heart increased with every picture that I saw. It became apparent to me that the girl in the pictures was probably…

"Misa"

I stood frozen as realizations began to hit me like blades of ice piercing my heart, one by one. For a moment, I had forgotten to breathe and my body had too—because the next moment—I was numb. My hand flew up to my head and I ran my fingers along the length of my hair, I could feel wetness in my eyes and the loss of voice in my throat. I tentatively walked towards the picture hung up on the wall and placed my hand on the photograph. My palm seemed to cover the long length of her hair completely and I realized that if she had short hair, she would look just like me.

"I must warn you"

"I have cleaned up a lot of …Mess that he didn't intend to make. I do not know how to voice my concerns, but please, Miss, I can see that my master has taken a liking towards yourself,"

I remember echoes in my mind, repeating the same words over and over again. I remember ignoring them, and ignoring the obvious signs that I had in front of me.

"But you must be aware that I know how it ends, and you must look before you fall. It might end up ugly, and it would be heart wrenching for me, since you're such an admirable lady,"

"You're just like her,"

We are so "alike".

"…and I can see why master would adore you, you're different than the other ones despite the resemblance,"

I do not know what to think anymore.

"You're just his type."

I wasn't his type…I just happened to look like her.

"When I say that you're his 'type', I don't mean that you're sweet and pretty. I mean, something else. He always goes for the same kind of women—raven hair, amber eyes. I've seen some women that he has dated before, they all have the same characteristics—same hair colour, height, features. I don't know why but it doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. It's like he has some strange preference."

Its not a preference, is it? Its his inability to move on. Its his urge to circle back to the same face. Its rooted deep within his soul…its not his choice…its inherent.

"He never puts any effort for his women. Behind every romantic gesture is actually an order that he threw on Cedric's face. I'm not saying that he doesn't reciprocate their feelings, but it feels like he doesn't care much. I want you to be protected from that. When I first saw you, I knew inside that if he were single, you'd be the one."

I feel a bout of laughter come off my chest as I stare at the pictures with tears in my eyes. How could I have been so stupid, so delusional, so naïve?

"I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, I'm saying that if you were to leave, there is a good chance he won't be affected by it. I've seen Takumi Walker in action, it takes him a good wine bottle to get over a relationship, but the girls he breaks up with are left for Cedric to handle. That man leads a perfect life, Mia. A life which is much different than yours or mine."

He wouldn't be affected.

I remembered words being thrown at me in an endearing attempt to save me from this fall. I remember brushing them all aside, because I was the fool in love who was blinded off by the light that he seemed to emit. I did not realize the light that I was drawn to—like a hopeless moth, didn't belong to Takumi.

For he was the epitome of darkness—a star that burnt too bright, along with the love of his life, and now—only ashes of what was once remained.

Amidst my musings, and the sound of my heart breaking, I became deaf and blind to the events that took place. I did not recognize the sound of violent rain pour out, I did not realize that the windows were open, I did not listen to the sound of the wind chimes, violently crashing into one another.

When I snapped out of my reverie, and saw that the floor was getting wet, I ran to the windows to close the glass panes. I did not want this…safe haven that Takumi made for…for…

I just didn't want it to be ruined.

I closed the windows as let out a sigh, forgetting my emotional pain for a while. I did not realize that my white blouse was now wet and that I was entirely soaked within fractions of the second. The rain was heavy and I pacified myself, thinking that maybe…just maybe the sky would weep for me like it must have wept for Takumi and his Misa. I had assumed that they had been separated, but I could not understand why or how Takumi could not get her back. By all means, he was a powerful man who could turn the world upside down with a flick of his hand.

It was a puzzle I was not ready to solve.

I sat down on the floor, not wanting to wet the beautiful pieces of furniture scattered all around the room. My eyes skimmed and found a bookshelf sitting silently near the sofa seat. I smiled bitterly—stupidly, it seemed that wherever Takumi would go, his books would follow.

I saw a particularly thick book, which seemed to have thick pages—stand out amongst the other members of the book shelf. Upon further inspection, I realized that it was a picture book. But before I could let my curiosity get the best of me and overshadow the raging pain inside my heart, I heard the creak of the mahogany bedroom door and heard a deep voice that belong to a man.

"You wouldn't want to open that."

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!~MISS~KIREI~!

Hey Guys! How are all of you doing? I didn't get much time to work upon this chapter and I had to deprive myself of sleep to update it but I'm okay~~~! I'm going to keep this A/N short and save the blabbering part for my next update where I'll tell you where I've been and what "Ups and Downs" I've been going through lately! Let me know how this chapter turned out and remember: Your reviews make my day.

Let's quickly answer the reviews from the last time now!

rosexx

Goodamn, Thank you so much. And I know right! Misaki took thirteen chapters to appear, she arrived "fashionably late" HA! I'm grateful to you. Its because of readers like you that I find the strength to write, update and cheer myself up when I'm down.

Samara16

Thank you so much! I shall blabb more about myself in the next update so wait for that!

Patricia Walker

HA! I knew someone would catch that maid latte reference, but I figured it'd be too cliché and obvious if Mia reached the same café as the one in which Misaki worked. By all means I had wanted this story to be as unconventional and non-stereotypical as possible therefore my plot twists wouldn't be very predictable if this story. I hope you liked this chapter!

amber83

How do you like the cliffhanger from this chapter! HA! Just kidding, its not like I want to have cliffhangers all the time, sometime it just happens on its own…the story flows out through me—I am merely a channel of my inner writer demon :P I was so happy to read your review but you should read other works too. But I'd be lying if I said that your review didn't boost my confidence! You actually liked my Takumi!

Unknown

Thank you so much! I'm trying to get through my internship without dying. I'd be lying if I said that It isn't challenging, but its fun to stretch yourself I guess. Anyway, I can't wait to be back and updating.

anindya956

Hey! Thanks for the wishes! And high five, I am single too…I mean, read my content, who would want to date a dark soul like me? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Putriaryx

I think a promise of forever will take some time to be updated but I shall try my best!

ArrogantIgnorant045

To be honest, I was quite happy to read your review. I was happy that I got my message across, happy to have shared something that I think happens with a lot of us but isn't spoken about—yes, I mean girls like Mia. Anyway, I know Misaki can never be replaced in Takumi's life but we'll she what happens next.

MinnieMiss123

You have made a great point, as always. Why isn't Takumi seen in the same light as Mia? It is indeed a question to ponder upon and I shall use my free time to whip something up that would justify Takumi's character. Did you like this chapter!? Tell me all about it.

Padfoot Starfyre

I think you have misunderstood the chapter a bit, Mia did not go to Paris found nd/or encountered Misaki. Misaki was in a conference in the good ol Parii, but Mia is back in Tokyo, discovering the pieces of Takumi's heart.

Takumisa17

Thank you!

Skye

HAHAHAHA

Guest

Hello there! Welcome to my story world! Haha, should I call it that? I was quite happy to read your review and it certainly cheered me up when I was down. To be honest, I had been having a rough couple of weeks, if you follow this story you must be knowing from my A/N about my personal life and how I don't have an abundance of time to update and write. Anyway, you review was unexpected and I loved your acknowledgment to reading my stories. Thank you!