Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, though I do like to consider Bella as an OC who just happens to have the name Bella. However, it all came from Stephenie Meyer.

Also, if you want to understand this story better, then I suggest you read Blur, the prequel, now if you haven't. You just might like it! And, it's short but gives background information on Bella, which you may need to understand this story thoroughly.

Actual Author's Note: Now that I'm done whoring out Blur (for the moment), I present you chapter 14 of Destructive Desire. I hope this is better than the last chapter. I had a blast writing it. This chapter's title had to be narrowed down to two songs, "Why Should I Be Sad" and "My Prerogative," both by that blonde legend, Britney Spears. This chapter's alternate title could also be "Off To The Races" by Lana Del Rey. I use a couple of lyrics. :3

With special thanks to:

Kelly, Scarlet, Carlie, and Lucy for letting me borrow your names and bits of your personalities. This story wouldn't be the same without you guys.

Why Should I Be Sad :: My Prerogative

I called Renee that evening after I spent some time with Jacob. It was a bit late her time, because she was three hours ahead, but I still wanted to talk to her. I hadn't talked to her since last September, and she still didn't know about me being hospitalized last October.

She answered on the first ring. "Bella?"

"Hey, Mom," I said.

"Oh, hey, honey. How are you?"

"I'm great, thanks. And you?"

"I'm fine. I'm just packing up."

"For what?"

"Phil and I are flying to Phoenix for the holidays. We're going back on the second of January."

Wow. "Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"But you already sold the house."

"Phil and I are staying in a hotel. Bella, you should stay with us. I haven't seen you in months."

I considered this for a bit. I really did want to go. I was okay now. Visiting Phoenix would be fine. It might even be good for me. I wanted to see my old friends. I missed them. As much as I hadn't wanted them to miss me, I hoped that I did.

"I wanna go," I said.

"Really, sweetie?" She sounded like she didn't believe me.

"Yes, really." I remembered crying because I wasn't coming back. I hadn't kept my promise.

"I think we can get you a ticket, Bella. Do you want to bring anyone with you?"

I thought of Jacob, and decided, No, this is for me. His sisters were coming home for the holidays, anyway. I wouldn't need him in Phoenix. This was my homecoming, not his.

"No," I said. "I'll go alone."

"Don't you want to talk to Charlie?"

"Nah. He won't mind. When can I fly down?"

"I was looking at tickets earlier today. We can fly on the same day, which will be in three days. Is that enough time for you?"

"It's perfect, Mom," I said. "Thank you."

"It's late. I'll talk to you later, though, Bella."

"Okay, Mom. Thanks."

"No problem. Love you, sweetie."

"Love you, too."

I hung up and set my cell phone down on my nightstand. I really couldn't wait to get to Phoenix now; I was freezing my ass off here.

I would have to tell Jacob I was leaving in so little time. Damn, that would be a little hard. And I'd have to give him his Christmas present then, too.

I went downstairs and found Charlie sitting on the couch, the Christmas tree shining brightly. "Hey, Dad," I said, sitting down next to him. He was watching some show on the history channel.

"Hey, Bells," he said.

"Can I get your opinion on something?"

"Sure. What?"

"What do you think of me being with Mom and Phil for the holidays?"

He was quiet for a little bit. Then he sighed and looked at me. "I'd like for you to stay here for the holidays, but if you wanna go, then you can go?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"They're going to Phoenix, you know," I said.

"Wow."

"I know."

"Didn't they sell the house?"

I nodded. "Yeah. They're staying in a hotel."

"Wow."

"I know."

I stood up. "Well, I'm leaving in three days."

"Do you need a ride to the airport?"

I shrugged. "I'll just ask Jake."

"Fine."

I made my way upstairs. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Bella."

I shut my door quietly and made my way to my closet, thinking about which clothes I would pack to Phoenix. Why had I decided to give all of my nicer clothes to my friends again? Right, because I didn't want to come to Forks looking like a slut.

I wondered what my old friends would think when they saw me. Would I look better to them? Would I look worse? We'd probably go out and see people when I returned. I wondered what everyone else would think. I mostly wondered what everyone else remembered me as. I hope that they remembered me as a good person, though I wasn't one.

I really shouldn't have cared what people thought of me. I hadn't seen anyone in Phoenix for almost a year now. I should have just lived with it. I shouldn't have cared what people thought, but I doubted they had stopped talking about me. I needed to relax.

Why should I be sad? I thought.

Jeez, I must have had multiple personality disorder. I was always battling with myself. Was I ever really winning?

The night before I would be leaving, Monday night, I went to Jacob's house. It was late, and his father was asleep. I'd told Jake I would be leaving back on Sunday morning, and he'd said he'd drive me to the airport in Port Angeles.

He greeted me and then we went to his bedroom. I lay down next to him on his bed comfortably. We stared up at his ceiling.

"When will you be back again?" he asked.

"The second of January," I said. "It's a Saturday. You're still picking me up, right?"

"Yeah."

We were silent for a while.

"I'm really gonna miss you, Bella," he said.

"It'll only be, like, two and a half weeks," I assured him. "You'll be fine."

"And you will?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun, raise some hell."

"I'll try to."

He turned on his side and faced me. I could still see him in the dim light coming from his lamp. He smiled at me, like he could peer into my tar black soul. With that smile, he must have liked what he saw. He loved me. Every inch of me.

"What?"

"Have you ever realized how beautiful you are?" he asked.

I didn't have to respond with words. Words were limited and unpredictable. Actions told more. Actions were to the point. I sat up and crawled up to his body to straddle his waist. I put my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.

God, I would miss Jake. I would miss him so much. Two and a half weeks without him would drive me up the wall. I would also miss the butterflies that fluttered around in my stomach when I was with him. Those butterflies were present now.

He kissed me as if he'd never see me again. I wanted him to know that I wouldn't be gone for that long. I hadn't seemed to convince him.

His hands moved down my waist, to my hips. He must have known exactly what he was doing. He firmly grasped my ass and rolled over so he was on top. He slipped his shirt off and helped me with the removal of mine. My heart pounded in my chest frantically. I wanted Jacob. I needed Jacob. I knew he needed me too when he kissed my stomach hungrily. It gave me a wild sensation that I wanted more of.

He looked up at me and asked if he could take off my jeans. I nodded and whispered, "Yes." Jacob unbuttoned my jeans and slowly tugged my jeans down and off of me. He had my panties off in no time. I moaned his name as he kissed my stomach again and went lower.

We didn't go all the way, but we were close. As I drove home later that night, I replayed the order of events that had happened that night between Jacob and I. French, feel, finger. Third base. Damn. Didn't giving and receiving head count for anything?

I snuck into the house as quietly as I could. It was five after midnight.

I managed to make it to my room without being caught, and I was a little proud of myself for it. I knew that from that point on, I would be sneaking in a lot more. Being with Jacob was addictive.

I brushed my hair (that was now messy), changed into my pajamas, and quickly got into bed. I knew I would look like shit for my flight the next morning, but I didn't care. I wouldn't see Jacob for a long time. Spending everyday with each other and then being separated for two and a half weeks would be insane.

I tossed and turn as I struggled to fall asleep, but I eventually did drift to sleep. Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy were in my thoughts. My reunion plans with Jacob intruded my thoughts as well that night.

Everything was ready.

Set with a couple of bags of luggage and a bracelet from Jacob on my wrist (early Christmas gift), Jacob drove me to the airport in Port Angeles. He had to drive slowly and extra carefully because of the snow, but I didn't mind. He sang to the radio in a comical fashion, and I couldn't help but laugh.

He walked with me into the airport and waited with me for my plane.

"Are you excited?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"You're lucky to be getting out of this shit weather."

I laughed. "I know."

I picked at my nail as we silently sat there, just waiting. "Merry Early Christmas," I said.

"Merry Christmas to you, too. And Happy Early New Year."

I smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I really fucking love you," he murmured against my lips.

"Back at ya," I whispered. I kissed him again and then broke away. "And what you did last night was amazing."

"Wanna repeat it when you get back?" He smiled sexily.

"It's a date."

I checked my cell phone for the time. "Shit, my plane's gonna be here any second now." I stood up and he stood up with me. He hugged me for what seemed like a long time. When he let me go I kissed him on the cheek. "I'll call you," I said.

He nodded. "See ya."

I went to my plane and as it took off, I only hoped for the best.

And I'm off to the races.

The blistering heat of Phoenix was welcoming. I was home.

My mother and stepfather, Renee and Phil, were waiting for me right outside of the gate.

I just didn't expect Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy to be there, too.

I could have burst into laughter - or tears - at the sight of my old best friends. I hadn't seen them in a year. They all laughed and hugged me. Once they were done, I hugged Renee and Phil, and got a good look at my friends. They all looked different.

Kelly had gotten taller, but she was still the shortest out of all of us. Her hair was cut into layers, and she'd gotten lavender streaks. She looked amazing.

Carlie hadn't gotten much taller, and she was still the tallest out of all of us. She hadn't done a thing with her hair (and I was glad that she hadn't), but she much looked older, in a good way.

Lucy was still only about an inch shorter than me, and she looked thinner, though she was already skinny. I wondered for a moment if she was still doing drugs. She didn't look horrible, though. Just older, and with darker eye makeup. She dressed a lot better than how we'd dressed last year.

My mom let me drive with them, and Lucy asked my mom if I could stay at her house over break. Renee was fine with it.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you're back!" Lucy exclaimed as we drove down the freeway from the airport. I felt like I was home. Windows rolled down, music blasting. Perfect. I sat in the passenger seat as Lucy, as reckless as she was, drove her SUV. Carlie and Kelly sat in the back.

"Did my mom tell you about me coming here for break?"

"Yeah," Kelly said. "And we're all staying at Lucy's place."

"My parents went on a trip," Lucy said, smiling, "and I didn't want to be home alone. They said you guys could come over."

"Fuck yeah," Carlie said.

I laughed. My friend's hadn't changed a bit.

"Pass me the chips," Kelly told Carlie. Carlie threw a bag of Doritos at her and Kelly caught it with one hand.

The four of us sat in Lucy's bedroom, eating snacks, talking, and listening to music. Kelly was making us all listen to Lady Gaga, her latest obsession.

"Guys," Lucy said, turning the music down, "I think it's time to question Bella."

"On what?" I asked, blowing on my freshly painted nails.

"Everything," Lucy said, a devilish smile on her face.

"Shoot."

"Did you finally get a car?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "It's a shitty truck."

"Is it seriously that bad?" Carlie asked.

I nodded. "But at least it drives."

"Stop asking about boring shit," Kelly said. "Bella, do you have a boyfriend?"

I knew that would come up. "I've had two."

"Oh my God, tell me!" Lucy squealed.

I sighed. "My first one was a douchebag. I don't want to talk about it."

"Really?" Carlie asked.

I nodded. "He was a dick."

"What happened?"

"He moved."

"Well, thank God."

I nodded.

"Who's your second boyfriend?" Lucy asked.

I could almost feel their eyes boring into me. They wanted information, and they wanted it now.

"His name's Jacob," I said. "What else do you want to know?"

"Is he hot?" Lucy asked.

I laughed. "Yes, Lucy, he is."

"Have you fucked him yet?"

"Damn, Lucy," Carlie said. "That's bold."

"Well, I wanna know," Lucy said. She turned back to me. "Have you?"

"Define 'fuck.'"

"Don't make me get scientific," she warned. "Have you literally fucked him yet?"

"Fucking someone means different things to different people!" I said. "And I guess I haven't fucked him yet."

"So...?"

"So, I haven't."

"What have you done?"

"Jeez, you're really fucking with me."

"I wanna know!"

"Well, we hung out the other night."

"And...?"

"God, stop it." I threw a Twinkie at her.

She laughed. "Fine."

"Hey, Carlie," I said.

"What?"

"Were you actually pregnant, last year?"

Carlie nodded. Immediately, I felt bad for asking. I felt like shit for asking her this.

"Did you keep it?" I asked.

"No."

"What happened?"

Carlie kept her cool. It wasn't like her to do this, though. "I had a miscarriage."

I was silent. She blinked twice.

"I'm so sorry, Carlie," I finally said.

With a wave of her hand, she said, "It's okay, Bella. Shit happens, you know?"

"I guess."

"I have a new boyfriend now, though." Carlie smiled.

"Jesus, her boyfriend is perfect," Kelly said.

"What's his name?" I asked Carlie.

"Charlie," she said.

"That's so cute!" I said. "Your names go together well."

"I know, huh?" Carlie was beaming.

"Lucy, how are you?" I asked Lucy.

"I'm fine. Are you still doing weed?"

"No," I said, and I felt proud of it. I felt great. "Are you?"

"No, I stopped when you did."

"That's awesome, Lucy."

"I know!"

I was so glad things were going well. I must have been extra lucky.

The rest of winter break was uneventful until on Christmas Eve at the mall, I saw Drake.

Drake Dashwood. Perfect name. Six foot two, eyes as blue as the sea, dark blond hair, about thirty years old. Yeah, he was a babe. He also was the worst Trigonometry teacher on the planet, but he was funny and good-looking, so it was all made up for.

He must have been staring back at me, because his eyes were wide as he saw me.

I would have talked to him if my friends weren't there with me. It would have been casual, easy, and overall pretty okay. He would ask how I was doing, and I would reply with a simple answer. He wouldn't talk about the kiss, and I wouldn't have to make things awkward by talking about it, too.

I just couldn't believe that he was there.

"Stop drooling, Bella," Carlie said. "You'll make a mess."

I rolled my eyes and continued to walk past Drake. That was the last time I ever saw him.

My mother wanted to be with me for Christmas, so I spent the next day in her hotel room with her and Phil. I received an iTunes gift card and a cashmere sweater for Christmas.

Renee was so happy to have me back, even for a little while. I felt guilty for not talking to her for a long time.

I spent the next day with my friends, and the rest of winter break with them, too. Lucy had been invited to a New Year's Eve party thrown by someone at school, and it took a lot of convincing for me to go with her, Carlie, and Kelly, but I did end up going. I'd even packed a dress, just in case.

I barely recognized the people at the party; when I'd lived in Phoenix, I only really knew older kids. Most of the kids in my grade annoyed the shit out of me.

Everybody recognized me, though. Of course.

I saw people whispering to each other, probably about me. They were probably calling me crazy and nasty and stupid. Everybody knew me, and everybody knew what I'd done. They all knew me as the girl that did things for pot and had somebody killed the first time she said no to anyone.

Nobody but my friends knew that I'd changed. I was a different person now. I used to think that it was their problem, but maybe it was mine. Maybe I couldn't handle what was the truth.

There were a couple of guys I recognized at the party, and one danced with me. What was his name again? Tom? Or was it Chad? I couldn't remember his name very well, but I remembered his face.

He must've had too much to drink; he was pretty much grinding on me. His speech was slurred, too.

"Hey, Bella," he said into my ear as he danced on me.

"Hey."

"I missed you."

"It hasn't even been that long."

"I still missed you."

I turned to face him. "You're sweet," I said, "but I have to find my friends." I started walking away, and he grabbed me by the hips, stopping me.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Don't be like that, baby. I just want to dance."

"Find someone else."

Ugh, drunk people annoyed the shit out of me. I remembered when I used to be that way.

I pried his hands off of me and walked away. God, I did not like parties anymore. Drunks were a joke.

I couldn't find my friends, so I ended up walking back to Lucy's house alone, carrying my heels. Thank God the party was in the same neighborhood.

How many times do I have to end up walking home alone? I asked myself. Walking home in the pale moonlight carrying my heels wasn't something I could get over yet. It had happened in Forks a couple of times, it had happened in Phoenix all the time, and now it was happening again.

I managed to accidentally step on a broken beer bottle on the way to Lucy's house and cut my foot. I was cursing like a sailor and pulling glass out of my foot when I heard an exclamation come from all throughout the neighborhood.

"Happy New Year!"

Of course I would be walking home alone feeling like shit right now. My first act of 2010. Resolutions? Make it to Lucy's place, take a bath, and go to sleep.

My winter break continued to be okay and nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was glad to be catching up with my mother and my friends. All of a sudden, it was time to go home.

I would be flying back to Washington in the afternoon, so I spent most of my morning with Lucy, Carlie, and Kelly.

I would have liked to believe that I hadn't changed a lot over a year, but it turned out, I had. I wasn't sure to be happy or sad about this, so I was just surprised.

As I held the framed photo of Lucy and I, I noticed most of the changes about me. from then and now. It was obvious that his photo had been taken long after when I'd first started giving head for weed and alcohol. I hadn't looked my nicest. What had I been thinking back then?

I looked so different now.

My hair had been so straight back then. I'd been obsessed with straightening it, and also adding highlights. The caramel highlights in this photo of me looked fresh. Now, my hair was just long, wavy, and dark brown. I never bothered with highlights these days.

Another thing I noticed was my makeup. There was a fine line between bold and ridiculous. I did my makeup much better now. Lucy must be so proud.

My body had also looked different back then. I'd been at least two inches shorter at the time of that photo, and skinnier, too, despite getting the munchies a lot. My body image had bounced a lot when I lived in Forks, but I was currently at a shape I could tolerate. I'd been a little girl back then. A little girl with tits that weren't ignored by most people, and would always bother me. Not like I tried to hide them. If I looked better, I'd have a better chance of getting weed, and that was a fact.

I'd dressed very similar to a hooker back then. Teeny dresses that hugged my shape and insane heels I'd always used to fall down in. The girl world was a tough place to be a part of.

But the main thing I noticed about myself was that I'd looked mean. I'd looked like a total bitch. I wasn't America's sweetheart now. Hell no. But I'd looked like the toughest junior you'd ever seen. I remembered getting into fights after school and then walking away when I was done, my head held high as if nothing was wrong. Nobody could take me away from my truth, and nobody could handle mine.

My prerogative had been to be the best, the queen. Me and Lucy and the senior girls were all already a group of degenerate beauty queens, but I was still ranked the highest.

Everybody had thought I was crazy, or nasty, and they had always talked shit about me. I hadn't given a damn, though - I had been a superhuman, or close to one. Nothing and nobody could have touched me. I'd been unbroken for a while. Then the Benjamin incident happened. But aside from that, I'd had power, and quite a lot of it.

I'd also had more enemies than true friends, though I'd had a thousand acquaintances willing to help me when I needed it. Everybody loves you when you give them what they want. Giving people what they wanted had been my life, because I'd known that if I had given them what they'd wanted, I would have gotten what I wanted in return. Everybody has wants and needs. Love was cruel, so I'd never given or received that.

Everybody liked me for giving them what they wanted. My enemies had become irrelevant. I'd only been trying to live. They had needed to let me. I hadn't needed permission to be myself, whoever that really was. I wasn't as established as I'd liked to think that I was.

Lucy sat down next to me on her couch and swiped the photo out of my hands. "Zoning out, huh?" she asked. She stared down at the photo. "Holy crap, we looked different back then." She laughed. "Thank God I retired from my street corner."

I laughed with her. "I'm gonna miss this place."

"You should come back next summer," Kelly said.

"It's a deal," I promised.

Right before I left, I went to see my old house, just for a quick second, and saw Scarlet, Benjamin's sister, pulling into the driveway of Benjamin's parents' house. I still remembered her. The last time I saw her was at Benjamin's funeral.

I waved at her, and she waved back. I noticed the For Sale sign outside of the house.

Wow. They were finally moving.

I didn't want to hang around for too long at Benjamin's place. I would break down in two seconds.

I wanted to say more to Scarlet, but she looked busy. She also looked like she didn't want to talk to me. Did she know that I was the reason behind Benjamin's death?

My throat was starting to close up and I was starting to panic, so I walked back to Lucy's house.

Saying goodbye to my friends was less bittersweet this time around. It was still a bit sad, but I had visited again and I felt a little better. I shouldn't be sad about this. I couldn't believe I did it.

My mom took my leaving better this time around, and I was glad that she did.

So the trip wasn't perfect. I enjoyed myself, though. That ought to count for something.

I was actually glad to be back in Forks.

A/N: How was that? I know, that chapter was uber-long, but what can I do? Haha, review it, please. I love what you guys have to say.

Stay cool, love fanfiction,

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