Author's Note: Whilst browsing the Super Smash Brothers fanfiction last night (I was looking for a Mewtwo fic, okay?), I came across a fanfic that had Link in some sort of story set to the song "Lady Marmalade". So, I thought, "Hmm... We're doing Moulin Rouge for this chapter!" And, thus, this mind-scarring chapter has been made. You have been warned of how mind-scarring it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own the movie Moulin Rouge, the song "Lady Marmalade", Austria's lines in the English dub of Hetalia, or the Bed Intruder Song.
It started one night in a magical place called "Francis Bonnefoy's House", as our favorite shipwright was walking down the street. No, it wasn't Franky, you silly geese, it was Kartik.
"Where the Dante's Inferno am I? Where's Yuki-Rin? Where's Karin? Where's the Hyperion? Is this real life, or is it fantasy?" Kartik asked himself. But, before we could do another reciting of "Bohemian Rhapsody", Kartik arrived at some type of nightclub in a red windmill.
"Oh, my God! It's the Moulin Rouge from that musical Matsul oves! This is awesome!" Kartik said as he cut Smoker, Zoro, Doflamingo, and Paulie in line.
"Welcome to Moulin Rouge. Right this way," The bouncer – who was actually Usopp cosplaying as a mix of his Strong World clothes and Antoine Dodson – ushered Kartik inside the nightclub.
"Now then, I'll supervise all of your country's politics. All you have to do is loyally obey me without asking any questions. Are there any questions?" Usopp asked Kartik a la Austria.
"By any chance, are Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor here?" Kartik asked Usopp.
"No, they're not," Usopp answered bluntly before leaving the poor shipwright alone.
"Just where am I?" Kartik said for the millionth time in this one-shot. Three girls named Nami (who was wearing her Skypeia Arc clothes), Robin (who was wearing her Baroque Works clothes), and Hancock (who was wearing the cheongsam she stole off of Aki back in the Learning Annex chapter) and a man named Hawkins (who was wearing a black corset with zebra-print short-shorts and thigh-high stripper boots) approached him.
"Where's all my soul sistas?
Let me hear ya'll, flow sistas!" Nami sang.
"What?" Kartik said.
"Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista," Robin sang. The four parted, revealing Matsu, who was wearing a blue corset with white petticoats and stripper heels like Hawkins.
"Matsu Takeshima, I demand you change clothes this instant! Ladies do not dress like that!" Kartik yelled.
"Unless they're working here," Hawkins added.
"And why are YOU working here?" Kartik asked Hawkins.
"It pays the bills," Hawkins explained.
"He met Marmalade down in ol' Moulin Rouge
Struttin' her stuff on the street
She said –" Robin sang.
"Hello. Hey, Joe, you wanna give it a go?" Matsu asked Kartik sexily.
"You all need to be on Celebrity Rehab!" Kartik cried.
"Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)," Nami, Matsu, Robin, Hawkins, and Hancock sang.
"Sing it!" Nami demanded.
"No," Kartik said, causing Kazuma to put a gun to his head. Strangely, Kazuma was dressed as a pimp.
"Kazuma, what are you doing here?" Kartik asked Kazuma.
"Just do what the lady says, and there will be no lawsuits, involvement from the Marines, or riots," Kazuma explained.
"Creole Lady Marmalade," Kartik said dully.
"Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir
Voulez vous coucher avec moi?" Matsu asked Kartik.
"No! What has gotten into you, Matsu?" Kartik asked Matsu, who just dragged him to a bedroom.
"Stay here while I freshen up," Matsu ordered before she went into a bathroom.
"Why is there a bedroom in this place?" Kartik asked himself.
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine
On her black satin sheets
Is where he started to freak, yeah
"There was nothing else to drink, so I had to drink the wine," Kartik explained.
"Right…" Nami said off-screen.
"Are you implying that I am an alcoholic like Thierry?" Kartik cried.
"Thierry who?" Nami asked Kartik.
"Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)," Nami, Robin, Hawkins, and Hancock sang. Matsu then entered. She was now wearing a top hat and a masquerade mask.
"Kartik, my love, it's time!" Matsu reminded.
"This is something Karin would do, not you!" Kartik cried as he tried to find his bow and arrows.
"Who the hell took my bow and arrows?" Kartik cried.
"We had to confiscate them when you came in so we could prevent riots from breaking out," Heathcliffe explained off-screen.
"Heathcliffe, why are you involved in this?" Kartik asked Heathcliffe.
"Shut up! I lost a bet to Holden!" Heathcliffe cried off-screen.
"He come through with the money in the garterbelts
I let him know we 'bout that cake straight up the gate, uh
We independent women, some mistake us for whores
I'm saying, why spend mine when I can spend yours?" Hancock sang.
"I disagree! Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Matsu, we're leaving!" Kartik yelled. Then, Crocodile, the boss of this establishment, entered the room.
"Disagree? Well that's you, and I'm sorry
Imma keep playing these cats out like Atari," Crocodile apologized before he walked out the room. Kartik ran down the hall after him, but Matsu stopped him.
"Wearing high heel shoes, getting love from the dudes
Four bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge
Hey, sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough, sistas
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass
By the case the meaning of expensive taste
If you wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya
Mocha Chocalate-a what?
Creole Lady Marmalade
One more time, c'mon now," Robin sang. Kartik grabbed Matsu by the hands.
"Listen to me, Matsu. This isn't like you, this is like Karin. Now, change into something decent while I go find Kazuma and Heathcliffe. We're going back to the Hyperion," Kartik explained.
"Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth
color of cafe au lait, alright
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried –" Matsu sang before she tilted Kartik's head to the screen, where somebody is holding up a cue card.
"Heathcliffe, I'm not saying that," Kartik stated.
"Why not? It would be hilarious to see you yodel," Heathcliffe explained. Kartik facepalmed.
"That's it, I'm out of here," Kartik stated before he walked back to the main stage area, where Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu waited for him. Luffy was dressed as a biker and Heathcliffe was only wearing a towel.
"Hey, Antoine Dodson, please help me!" Kartik pleaded.
"You idiot! Why would you form an alliance with Matsu?" Usopp asked Kartik.
"What shall I do?" Kartik asked with tears streaming down his face.
"Well, obviously, we have a rapist in Lincoln Park!" Luffy announced.
"He's climbin in your windows
He's snatchin your people up
Tryna rape em so y'all need to
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife
And, hide your husband, cuz they're rapin everybody out here
You don't have to come and confess
We're lookin for you
We gon find you we gon find you
So you can run and tell that,
Run and tell that
Run and tell that, homeboy
Home, home, homeboy," Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu sang.
"We got your t-shirt
You done left fingerprints and all
You are so dumb
You are really dumb, for real," Heathcliffe sang.
"The man got away leaving behind evidence," Nami sang.
"I was attacked by some idiot in the projects," Kartik sang.
"So dumb, so dumb, so dumb, so –" Luffy sang.
"He's climbin in your windows
He's snatchin your people up
Tryna rape em so y'all need to
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife
And, hide your husband, cuz they're rapin everybody out here
You don't have to come and confess
We're lookin for you
We gon find you we gon find you
So you can run and tell that,
Run and tell that
Run and tell that, homeboy
Home, home, homeboy," Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu sang. Kartik just facepalmed and left.
"Now he's back home doing 9 to 5
Sleepin' the grey, flannel life," Nami sang as Kartik slept in his room in the Hyperion.
"But, when he turns off to sleep, memories creep," Robin sang. Kartik then woke up, and he saw that Nami, Robin, Hancock, and Matsu were also in his bed.
"Hi, Kartik! More, more, more!" Nami, Robin, Matsu, and Hancock greeted the poor shipwright. Kartik then awoke – screaming, we may add – from all of the previous events, which were all a dream.
"Dude…" Soren commented.
"Give it another chapter, and his mind won't be scarred anymore," Daisuke advised.
Ending Note: Wow... I have so much to say about this one chapter... But, i'll spare you my rant.
Review if you want to see more crack, such as the Whitebeard Pirates becoming olympic figure skaters, Smoker teaching driving lessons to random teenagers in One Piece, Miss Valentine's Day starting a cult that centers around Nyan Cat, or Perona and Molly bonding over Pop Tarts.