Chapter... oh hell, what chapter is it...? 14!: A Worryingly Disjointed Fight Scene
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH LOOBY LOO! ANDY PANDY! CAT FOOOOOOOOOD!"
This was Zelda's battle cry, roared as she shot to earth on her Loftwing. Before anyone could react, she crashed into the water in an explosion of silvery strands.
"Oh for [CENSORED]'s sake!"
"...And is that your new battle cry, Zelda?" Vaati asked smugly, observing her situation.
"Oh, shut up." Zelda hissed. She had obviously been a bit too enthusiastic with her descent and her Loftwing was now stuck, beak- first, in the ground under the water. She slithered off it miserably and into the-
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THERE'S FREAKING WATER HERE!"
"Good show, good show!" Vaati cheered, leaping towards her and applauding. "I truly cannot believe your powers of clairvoyance! How on EARTH did you see that?"
"Shut UP!" Zelda yelled. "I don't need your sarcasm!"
"Oh, how did I not realise that? How awful of me!"
Ganondorf wandered over idly. "Oh look. It's a big bird thing. And it has a huge butt. Kind of like mine... Do you think my butt is big, Ghirahim?"
"Of course not, potential Master. Look at it, it's as small as" -your thick stupid brain- "the number of people who don't absolutely adore you!"
To reward him for such a compliment, Ganondorf seized Demise's leg and lifted the master of evil up off the floor in one fluid motion. He then proceeded to pound Ghirahim into the air with such violence Demise's eyes flew out.
"Hey!" Demise yelled. "Would you stop tha- AAAUURRRGGHHH! MY INCISORS! Watch it!"
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THWOCK! BLAM!
"I HAVE HAD VERY EXPENSIVE ORTHODONTIC WORK BEFORE! Don't you DARE undo all that now!"
"Please don't!" Ghirahim howled as he was pounded down until only his head was above the ground. "I had to pay for it all!"
"Oh, cut it out both of you." the author sighed. "This story could send a glass eye to sleep. Skyloft Academy, now that your leader Zelda is running around and rolling on the floor like a wuss, you'll have to take care of things yourselves. Engage!"
The Skyloftians immediately formed into position, a fashionable skybound pattern known as "All Hail The Author". Rather predictably, it was in the shape of a toilet to honour her penchant for potty humour.
They plummeted to earth. Ghirahim, being stuck in the ground, could only struggle violently until he found he could twirl himself round in his position. He giggled at this and proceeded to do little underwater pirouttes, completely neglecting the intense battle that was emerging above his head.
The advancing Academy side got Demise easily. Pipit swooped down and stuck his head under the water, slurping up a huge mouthful of it. Holding it in his cheeks like a fat hamster, he spat it in an aerial attack over Demise's flaming hair, which was promptly extinguished.
As expected, Demise was not at all happy with this. He grabbed Vaati in one giant fist and rubbed the mage frantically on his skull, presumably to generate enough friction to get it relit. With this distraction, he didn't notice the giant vacuum cleaner nozzle descending upon him until it was too late.
SHLUP.
"DEMISE! MASTER DEMISE!" Ghirahim screamed. Karane, wielding the nozzle triumphantly, stood up on her Loftwing and mooned him. Ganondorf seemed particularly incensed at this offensive action, and sent an enormous and completely unexpected blast of magic at her. It hit her in the face and she staggered, but didn't lose balance.
"Don't worry, it'll work now!" Ganon yelled.
"What spell is it?" Ghirahim yelled back.
"A spell to turn her into a girl!"
Ghirahim's heart sank.
"Ganondorf, I can deduce from my readings that Karane is already a girl." Fi said wearily.
"Not on my watch, she ain't!" Ganon replied. "And if you're not careful, Fi, I'll turn YOU into a sword spirit!"
"I calculate that that spell would have approximately 0% effectiveness. I also calculate that you are an ignorant oaf who obviously had his skull caved in at a very young age and has not yet mentally recovered."
Ganon stopped, confused. "...Don't use such big words! You're stupid too!"
"WHAT THE HELL?! I HAVEN'T EVEN FEATURED IN THIS CHAPTER YET!" Groose screamed, interrupting their conversation/argument.
"Well now you have." the author replied. "Go away."
"No!" Groose yelled. "I am going to take part in this fight too! Take THAT, Ganondorf!"
To everyone's surprise, he removed his pompadour with a mechanical click and hurled it, shuriken- style, at the unfortunate man. Fi was brave enough to push Ganon out the way, managing to shout "Wrong side, Groose!" before taking the full force of it and falling backwards into the water.
Zelda, spurred on by this improvement, forgot her fear of the water and did Gangnam Style in glee. "Go on, Skyloftians! Attack now! We have this fight in our palms!"
"Oooh, this is quite exiciting!" Demise announced from inside the vacuum cleaner. "Who's winning?"
He did not know that at that moment, his side were being mercilessly pounded by the Loftwing riders, who were using the birds' oversized beaks to pick up whoever dared oppose them, fly them to a great height, and drop them to the floor again. Ganondorf, being rather fat, simply bounced, but this caused extra damage to whoever happened to be underneath him. Ghirahim was not given a good time at all, since he was thin enough to slip down the bird's gullet and through its' digestive system without any trouble, which meant every time he happened to be picked up he ended up being excreted ten seconds later.
"Master Demise, HELP!" Ghirahim screamed as he fell from a great height once again.
Demise's ears pricked up. Was that his useless minion calling for help? Being reminded of Ghirahim brought back memories of that fateful chapter where he had found out his dark secret... that he had brought back the wrong Hero and the wrong Goddess! With a roar of rage, he thrust his arm out in order to punch the man into the sun and back.
There were screams from everyone as Demise's fist punctured the outer layer of the bag. His fingers grasped uselessly as he bellowed. "WHERE ARE YOU, GHIRAHIM? I'LL HELP YOU! I'LL HELP YOU DIE FASTER!"
Ghirahim quickly ran to the corner of the room and whimpered. Ganondorf was there as well, having escaped from a now- furious Fi (who had awakened from Groose's hair assault and now seemed to be malfunctioning, turning into a sword and stabbing anyone who looked at her).
"Ghirahim?" Ganon whimpered. "Why has the hoover bag grown arms?"
"It hasn't grown arms, you idiot. There's someone inside there who wants to beat me up." came the reply. This served to terrify Ganondorf even further, and he may or may not have had a little poo on the spot.
Demise burst out of the bag in an explosion of dark magic, sending Loftwings flying. Dust flew up like dry ice around him as he surveyed his surroundings, the domain he had called home for so long now being laid to waste by these Shiroi fools who had dared to intrude. There was only one thing he could do.
"...This stinks." he whimpered, and began to rock quietly back and forth.
It was Vaati who, rather predictably, saved the day. The mage had been ambling casually back and forth, observing with interest the physics of the fight- look how quickly Ghirahim reached terminal velocity when he was covered in the products of a bird's digestive system! Look at the tight turning circle Groose had when he was running around in panic! Look at the magnificent aerodynamics at work behind Fi's rather dangerous "angry sword form"!
It was then he happened to notice the lever, attatched to the side of the dome. It was in a rather obvious place, as Zelda levers often are. It was in rather obvious colours, as Zelda levers often are. And it was pretty damn self- explanatory, as Zelda levers often are.
He pulled it.
-
Guys, I have a confession to make.
I've decided I don't really want to write this story anymore... I don't feel it's getting anywhere... so from now on there aren't going to be any more chapters. I've really enjoyed it, but I just don't feel as if I can do anything with it. I mean, we've all had that feeling, right? Where you can just tell when something's not going to work out? I'm really, really sorry! I tried my utmost best, but... I just couldn't do it :'(
But I'd like to take the opportunity to say to all of you who took the time to follow, favourite or review...
That I'M ONLY KIDDING!
Wah ha haaaaa! Feel free to spam me with angry messages if you believed that ;) Sorry!
Now, MENTIONS!
DelicatelyDeadly: Yup, I live in Britain and I DO have an English accent! Strangely enough, I'm from Wales but I don't sound Welsh in the slightest! And don't worry, I'm sure your British accent is a lot better than my American one. TBH, I really like American accents though, especially from around the Midwest. I think they sound lovely!
I hope you had a good time in school! It's a lot better when you start getting into it again. I just find the first few days pretty hard because you're suddenly swamped with this stupid deluge of work... urgh. Now mop up that pool of tears! ^^
Acryelf: Thank you very, very much! *hugs* Chapter 3 is my favourite chapter as well... but the irony is I can't remember why! It's probably because of something really stupid!
I'm debating whether Vaati's pet Gyorg should make a return... just for comedy effect of course. Kind of like Fartbutt's ressurection? I just think poor old Vaati should have something good happen to him for once! And he HAS provided us with a lovely little cliffhanger... AND he's one of my favourite characters ^^
I remember in Asking For Disaster I tried to encourage everyone to think that both Hilda and Shadow were Vaati's descendants. But then again I made about 30 absurd claims in AFD that I have certainly been trying to cut down in this story!
Sorry... I just went completely off topic. I tend to do that ^^; But thank you!
See you all next week! Kiss kiss!