Chapter 14
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It has been three months since Melinda admitted that her nightmares have been getting worse since the Hellicarrier and ever since Melinda has been experiencing more nights with nightmares than without, but she is also learning how to handle them better.
It's about seven pm which means the end of the working day for Melinda and she has headed up to Nick's office to see if he is coming home.
"Agent May." Nick's assistant greats as Melinda walks towards her husband's office.
"Is he in?" Melinda asks curious.
"He's in a meeting with Commander Hill right now, asked not to be disturbed." Nick's assistant informs Melinda.
"Oh okay, just let him know that I came by." Melinda requests.
"Of course." Nick's assistant says and then Melinda walks away.
In Nick's office Maria and Nick are sitting at opposite ends of the table, both having folders in front of them.
"Are you sure you want to bring her in on this?" Maria ask her boss, her voice disbelieving.
"I have to." Nick answers, "She deserves to know, and if we're really going to let him back in the field then he's going to need someone who understands to watch him, and she's the best person for that, and he's going to want her."
"You're going to tell her everything and then ask her to spy on her best friend." Maria asks, giving him a look, "Did you even think about what that's going to do to your marriage?" she asks.
"We'll figure it out." Nick responds as even though the thought of that worries him he believes that it is for the best.
"You're an idiot. This isn't going to end well." Maria informs her boss, it being clear that she is speaking more as a friend rather than a subordinate, but he just stares at what he is reading rather than looking at his second in command.
Almost two hours after Melinda went by Nick's office she is doing Tai-Chi when she hears the door open and she watches as Nick walks in, though she continues to do her Tai-Chi.
Seeing what Melinda is doing Nick puts his jacket up and walks over to the couch where he sits down on the edge of, and as he sits Melinda notices that he is holding a folder, but as he doesn't say anything Melinda just continues to do her Tai-Chi while Nick watches.
"Hi." Melinda says, walking over to her husband.
"Hi." Nick says, returning the smile, and leaning forward and kissing his wife, "There's something I need to tell you." Nick says when they break apart.
"What?" Melinda asks, having a feeling that this may be bad.
"Here, this can explain better than I can." Nick says handing Melinda the folder and as she looks down she can't even hide the shock on her face.
"Nick, this is level ten." Melinda says, sounding shocked.
"It doesn't matter. You need to read it." Nick explains to Melinda.
"Okay." Melinda says as she walks over and sits on the couch. As she does Nick moves off the edge of the couch and sits down next to her as Melinda starts to read.
As Melinda reads Nick just watches her, and he can almost tell what part of the file is at by the looks on her face, though while he is watching her Nick figures that she is saving all her questions for when she is done.
For twenty, very long to Nick, minutes Melinda is silent as she reads the file, and then she finally closes it shut, and doesn't say anything.
"Melinda?" Nick asks concerned.
"He's alive?" Melinda says, forcing the words out.
"Yes." Nick confirms.
"Is he okay?" Melinda asks, looking at her husband with wide eyes.
"Considering everything, yes he is." Nick confirms and Melinda just looked torn between shock and amazement.
"When can I see him?" Melinda asks, wanting to see him as soon as possible.
"Soon." Nick answers, "But Melinda there's more. Things that aren't in that file." Nick reveals.
"More than Phil begging to die?" Melinda asks, pain in her voice as even though she is glad that Phil is alive she isn't happy to know that the process caused him so much pain.
"Yes." Nick confirms, taking a deep breath, "Phil cannot know what was done to him, he cannot know that alien biology was involved."
"Why not?" Melinda asks, confusion in her voice.
"Phil's doctors believe that him knowing the truth will have negative consequences." Nick informs Melinda.
"What kind of negative consequences?" Melinda asks, not liking the sound of that.
"Unclear." Nick answers, "But what we do know is that when Phil returns to the field he is going to need people around him, and we both know that he's going to want one of those people to be you."
"Nick…." Melinda starts to say, anger in her voice.
"Melinda, Phil is going to need someone in the field with him, someone who knows what really happened, someone who can watch his back and report to me if things do go wrong. We both know that the perfect person for that is you." Nick tells his wife.
"So not only are you asking me to go back in the field, you want me to spy on Phil? You want me to report to you!" Melinda says, the anger in her voice increasing, as she stands up.
"I want you to protect him, just like the three of us have always protected each other. I want you to watch his back." Nick explains, standing up too.
"Don't…" Melinda starts to say.
"Melinda I wouldn't be asking if this wasn't so important. You know Phil better than almost anyone and you know trauma. You'll know if how his reacting is normal or something to worry about, something to react to." Nick explains, "I know you, Melinda. I know that there is no one else you'd want watching Phil's back. Could you forgive yourself if you let someone else watch him and they make the call that something is wrong even though it's not because they don't know Phil?" Nick asks.
"That low, Nick." Melinda says angrily.
"I know." Nick confirms, "But it's where we are. Phil's alive and to make sure he's okay I need you to go to back into the field, I need you to figure out who he'd need around him, I need you to keep an eye on him and watch him, and react if you have to, because you're the best person to do that."
"You're a bastard." Melinda says angrily.
"Mel…." Nick starts to say.
"No, I'm speaking." Melinda informs him, "Phil bring alive is incredible, but that doesn't change the fact that he begged to die, and now you want me to spy on the person who means so much to both of us. You want me to go back into the field and lie to my best friends face and you're using my history against me to get me to do it? Is that where we are?" Melinda asks and Nick just avoids looking at her, "As an agent I've done a lot of questionable things for you over the years Nick, but this, this is so much worse." Melinda informs him, "I can't even look at you right now." Melinda says, walking to the door as she knows that if she doesn't calm down she's going to say or do something she's going to regret.
"Where are you going?" Nick asks his wife, thinking that this has gone so much worse than he was expecting.
"I'm going to stay with Nat for a few days, or at least until I can look at you without wanting to punch you." Melinda says before walking out of their apartment, leaving Nick to wonder if he's just lost the most important person in his life, the person he loves the most.
As she needed to clear her head a little Melinda didn't just speed on her motorbike straight to Natasha's instead she went the long way, doubled back on herself a few times and even went the wrong way once or twice, not just to make sure no one was following her, but to give her more of a chance to clear her head.
An hour after Melinda left hers and Nick's apartment she arrives at Natasha's door and knocks. Seconds later the door opens a little and Melinda sees Natasha's face through the small gap in the door.
"Mel?" Natasha asks surprised.
"Yeah, can I come in?" Melinda asks curious and Natasha opens the door and lets her friend in.
"What's wrong?" Natasha ask worried as she closes the door behind her friend, being able to tell that something is wrong.
"I don't even know where to start." Melinda admits as she walks over to Natasha's couch and sits down, as she does Natasha walks over to her alcohol and pours them both a drink.
"Maybe you should start with this." Natasha says, as she hands Melinda a double scotch, and sits down next to her friend, "Whenever you want to talk I'm here." Natasha assures her friend as Melinda takes a drink.
"Phil's alive." Melinda says after she takes a drink.
"How?" Natasha asks, shock in her voice.
"Nick used procedures, using alien DNA, and brought him back." Melinda reveals, "He just told me and he said that Phil can't know what happened, that it would be bad and he wants me to go back in the field, with Phil, and spy on him, report to him." Melinda explains to Natasha, "He used how much Phil means to me, our history, my history, all as reasons why I should spy on him." Melinda says angrily.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Natasha tells her friend, not entirely sure how she is feeling, though she knows anger at Nick is definitely on the list.
"Can I stay here for a few days?" Melinda asks, "I don't know what I'd say or do, if I see him right now."
"Of course you can stay, you never have to ask." Natasha tells her friend.
"Thanks." Melinda says and the two of them drift into silence as they drink.
Back at Melinda and Nick's apartment Nick is sitting alone and like his wife he is drinking, but as he drinks he tries to decide what to do. A part of him wants to go to Natasha's and try talking to Melinda, but he also knows that that will likely end badly if Melinda hasn't had a chance to calm down so instead she takes another drink.
After a little while Nick realizes that he can't just sit in the empty apartment anymore and instead he puts his glass down and heads leaves, planning on heading straight into the Triskelion.
When Melinda wakes up the next morning it takes her a few moments to realize what is going on as she's not in her bed with her husband by her side by she is lying in bed next to Natasha, something that isn't the first time and so she gets up, heads out to Natasha's living room and starts to do tai-chi.
Melinda has been doing tai-chi for a few minutes when she hears footsteps.
"So, you going to go into work today?" Natasha asks curious.
"Yeah. It's a good thing I can avoid him pretty easily." Melinda tells her friend.
"So… things are bad enough for you to avoid him?" Natasha asks as she was suspecting that, but wants to be sure.
"Definitely." Melinda confirms.
"I take it you'll be borrowing something to wear." Natasha assumes as she figures that Melinda won't want to go back to her apartment.
"Yeah, do you mind?" Melinda asks.
"Mel, we've been practically sharing a wardrobe for sixteen years, why the hell would I mind?" Natasha asks her friend.
"Good point." Melinda says as Natasha as moves into position to join Melinda in her tai-chi, and as she does the two of them drift into silence as they do.
At the Triskelion Nick is working at his desk, where he has been all night, when he hears a knock on his door.
"Yeah." Nick says and he isn't overly surprised when Maria walked in.
"Okay, you're wearing what you were wearing yesterday. I'm guessing things didn't go well with Mel." Maria comments.
"She left." Nick tells his second in command, pain in his voice, "She's staying with Natasha."
"Wow." Maria says shocked, "Maybe she just needs some time to digest everything, to come to terms with it all."
"Or maybe I've lost her." Nick comments, pain in his voice.
"I don't think so." Maria says, trying to be supportive "This is Mel we're talking about, she probably just needs some time."
"Maybe." Nick says uncertain, it being more than clear to Maria that Nick is hurting.
"Maybe you should talk to her." Maria suggests.
"No." Nick says quickly, "Melinda needs space if I try talking to her before she is ready then I will definitely lose her."
"Okay." Maria say and the two of them drift into silence.
It has been three days since Nick told Melinda about Phil and what he wants her to do and ever since Melinda has been staying with Natasha and Maria and Natasha, the only ones who know what is going on as Clint is on a mission, are becoming even more concerned about Melinda and Nick as neither of them are doing okay.
It's lunchtime and Maria is walking into a dinner where she spots a friend so she walks over and joins Natasha in the booth she is sitting in.
"Please say you have a plan." Maria requests as she slides into the booth across from Natasha.
"I have a few ideas." Natasha admits, "She's avoiding, having nightmares that have to be worse than usual and is miserable though she's trying to hide it. What about him?" Natasha asks curious.
"Let's just say I didn't know it was possible for him to be in such a bad mood and leave it at that." Maria tells her friend with a sigh, "He won't go talk to her, even though he wants to, because he doesn't want to push her."
"You know, if Clint was here he'd be suggesting we locked him in a room until they talked." Natasha suggests, feeling that because Clint is on a mission with Bobbi Morse and her team then it's her job to suggest that.
"Yeah, and we'd shut that down within a second, both knowing it wouldn't end well." Maria reminds Natasha.
"Maybe." Natasha says uncertain, "But we do need a plan, we can't let them both just keep going on like this."
"They need to talk, but I don't see Nick changing his mind about not pushing Melinda anytime soon." Maria admits.
"I'll talk to Mel." Natasha admits, "I know she's upset about what Nick's asking her to do, but I think there's something more."
"Really? You think?" Maria asks curious.
"Yeah." Natasha confirms, "I'll try talking to her, just get Nick to go home tonight. If things go to plan, then I might be able to get Mel to go home."
"Okay, I can do that." Maria comments and the two of them nod and drift into silence.
Hours later Natasha arrives back home and she isn't at all surprised to find Melinda sitting on her couch reading, though as she watches her friend Natasha becomes even surer that there is something her friend isn't telling her about what is going on.
"Okay, you're going to talk to me." Natasha says as she walks over and sits next to Melinda and takes her friends book.
"Nat…." Melinda starts to say.
"Mel, you've been here for three days, and you've explained what happened between you and Nick, but not exactly why It hurt you so much, why it made you so angry." Natasha tells her friend, "But, there's something you're not saying, so talk to me. Tell me whatever it is, let me help." Natasha tells hero and hearing that Melinda just looks like she is debating what to say.
"You know there was a lot of years where it was just Phil, Nick and I in the field, no one else." Melinda tells her friend.
"I know." Natasha responds, wondering where Melinda is going with this.
"You, and me, Phil, Nick, Clint, and Maria are a family, but the way Phil, Nick and I were, when it was just the three of us was… different." Melinda reveals, "I don't even think I could explain it."
"Try." Natasha prods, wanting to understand.
"From when Phil and I started working with Nick when we were still at the academy until when we recruited Clint, we were a team. We spent more time together than apart, and yeah we worked with Peggy on some missions, and with Garret a lot and even Blake, Sitwell and Hartley sometimes, but mainly it was just us three." Melinda explains, "Everything was different we couldn't even have dreamed of half the tech we have now. It was the Cold War, mistrust was everywhere, we were expecting nuclear war to start at any moment."
"I remember." Natasha says and Melinda nods knowing that she does, though she purposely doesn't want to think of the fact that they were fighting on different sides of the same war.
"We went into missions knowing that if things went wrong we could only count on each other, that backup was either too far away or not coming at all. Trust between us was sacred, we knew from the first time we worked together that if we didn't have that then we didn't have anything." Melinda reveals, "I remember once it was New Years, I don't even think I was twenty-one yet, and the three of us we on a mission and we were all hurt, hoping not to get infections, waiting for an extraction to come, drinking stale beer, and Phil asked we're we thought we would be in thirty years." Melinda reveals, "Nick, being Nick, said that we would probably be dead, and I agreed." Melinda admits.
"Of course you did." Natasha says, not at all surprised by that.
"Phil told us off for our pessimism and said that Nick would be Director of S.H.I.E.L.D, and Nick said that he would only be director of we were his by his sides." Melinda reveals, a sad smile on her face, "Because the only way he could, the only way he wanted, to run S.H.I.E.L.D was with us." Melinda reveals, saying what Natasha doesn't know, "We used to say that Nick was the leader, Phil was the heart, he kept us grounded and I was the strength, we balanced each other out; and that's why we made a perfect team." Melinda says, a tear coming to her eyes, "For all those years I never hesitated to jump out of a building, or a plane, I never heisted to jump into a hole who go charging into a fight, or into the unknown, because I knew that those two would always have my back, and I'd always have theirs. That was our bond, it was sacred, and now Nick's using that against me." Melinda says, her voice sounding angry, "He's using that to try and get me to say yes to this, yes to going back into the field, yes to lying to Phil, to reporting on him, to…." Melinda says before trailing off.
"Mel?" Nat asks concerned.
"He right, in so many ways." Melinda admits, hating that, "I would be watching his back, I would be protecting him, just like always, because I can tell if he was Phil or if something was wrong, and I would never stop trying to save him." Melinda admits, "But I'm so mad at him for bringing up the past. You've wondered why we haven't told many stories about those days, and it's because those was ours, they only exist for us. It was the days where it was like we were the only three people in the words, the days where Phil would pretend not to notice how close Nick and I were." Melinda says, though admittedly that was only in the late eighties, "Where we all knew each other better than ourselves, we're we'd talk about how we'd die all agreeing that it would be okay if we were together, and where we would push each other's buttons knowing that we would never push each other away." Melinda explains, ranting and so she calms down and takes a deep breath, "Doing this, doing what Nick's done and what he wants me to do is like spitting in the face of that, of what we've always be, and I just don't understand how he can ask me to do that."
"Maybe for the same reason." Natasha says and Melinda turns to look at her, "Look, I might be completely off base, but think about it. Phil went alone to face Loki, neither of you were with him, none of you had each other's backs, and Phil died." Natasha explains, "You just said that you used to balance each other out that it was like you were the only people in the world, maybe that's why Nick brought Phil back, because he couldn't imagine his world without Phil in it, that he doesn't want you to have to, and he's asking you to do this because you're the only person he can count on to help Phil, the only person he trusts enough." Natasha reveals, "As messed up as his way is maybe Nick's just trying to make sure you both have your balance back."
"Maybe." Melinda says, looking thoughtful, "I think I need to clear my head." Melinda says before getting up and heading out of Natasha's apartment, as she watches her friend go Natasha doesn't know what she wants to do more, follow Melinda, Kick Nick's ass, or find some of the reports from the years Nick, Melinda and Phil were a team so that she can understand them better, though there is a part of her that hopes that it was enough for Melinda to go home.
After Melinda left Natasha's she just got on her bike and started to ride, just all around the city, using her speed to clear her mind, trying and hoping for something to make sense. As she drives she thinks about everything Natasha said, the team that she, Phil and Nick used to be, everything she is feeling and what Nick asked of her.
Nick means everything to her, he is the love of her live, and that will never change, but Phil is her best friend, and she doesn't want to hurt either of them and it seems like whatever she chooses to do she going to hurt one of them.
"Phil will be hurt more either way." Melinda realizes as she drives around, "I've got to do this, for him." She realizes.
After coming to that decision Melinda realizes that she isn't too far from home and so she decides to head back there rather than going back to Natasha's.
Arriving back home Melinda walks towards the door to their apartment and for the first time in days Melinda lets herself in and walks in. As she walks in Melinda is half expecting to find the apartment empty but instead she finds Nick sitting on the couch and watching TV, something which she knows doesn't happen often.
"Melinda." Nick says, looking towards the open door in surprise as Melinda walks in.
"Hi." Melinda responds as Nick stands up and turns off the TV, "I'll do it, but not for you. I'll do it because you're right, it's what's best for Phil. I'll do it to protect him." Melinda tells her husband.
"Okay." Nick says with a nod, "I don't regret bringing Phil back Melinda, and I do believe that you're the best person to help him, but I should have come up with a better way to explain things to you, to get you to agree."
"Yeah, you should have." Melinda says, walking towards Nick, "I'm not angry about you brining back Phil, I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes. I don't like that he was begging to die, or how questionable the things you did to bring him back was, but if he's alive and okay then maybe it was worth it."
"He is okay." Nick assures Melinda, leaving off the 'for now' that they can both hear.
"But Nick using my past, our past, against me to try and get me to agree wasn't okay." Melinda says, there being anger in her voice.
"I know. I should have thought about it more, thought of a better way." Nick says, feeling bad about what he did, even though he couldn't think of a better way.
"That's twice you've done that." Melinda comments, "I know we agreed to try and keep work and our home life separate, but you're blurring the lines. You ordered me on the Hellicarrier because you wanted your wife close and you've used everything you know to try and get me to spy on Phil." Melinda explains, "We've got to do better."
"Yeah, we do." Nick confirms, "I am sorry Melinda, but I honestly would still ask you to go on the Hellicarrier because I did want you close, even though I do hate the effect it has on you, but getting you to watch out on Phil I would have figured out a different way." Nick says, walking towards Melinda, "All I want is to protect you, to keep you from being hurt, and I keep hurting you, I'm so sorry Melinda. I really am." Nick says and it is clear that he completely means what he is saying.
"I know." Melinda says, taking a few steps towards him, "I forgive you, but we still need to do better. We need to make that line between work and home clearer, especially if I am going back into the field."
"We will." Nick says, "We'll figure it out." Nick assures his wife once they are very close, "Can I kiss you?" Nick ask his wife and after seeing Melinda nod Nick leans in and kisses her.
As they kiss Nick wraps his arms around his wife and pulls her in close, trying to show how sorry he is, how much better he wants to od, through his actions.
"Bedroom." Melinda pants as hers and Nick's lips briefly part and as they do Melinda jumps up and wraps her legs around Nick's waist and the two of them make their way into their bedroom, to properly make up.