Healing Process
Chapter XIIIB: Point of No Return
Got to get away from here...
Got to get away from all these thinkers... drinking up my thoughts again
Got to get away from here...
Got to get away from all these choosers, losers... all my best of friends
Sit back New York City
You're not cute but you're oh so pretty
When the rain comes you fall up again...
SUNNY... You are a part of me
SUNNY... You are the heart of me
February 22, 2006
12:00 AM EST
Tisch School of the Arts at NYU
Ava Shepherd glanced at her watch as she stepped out into the chilly February air. It was 12:00am, it was an early night tonight. Ava's entire body ached with fatigue as she walked down the stone steps of the building in flats and turned right heading to where Derek Shepherd's 2005 black Range Rover was parked. Living in New York, Ava took the subway most of the time finding that cars were just a waste of time here. But her parents had insisted that if she had rehearsal and it ran late into the night that she take a car.
Adjusting her dance bag on her shoulder, Ava flipped open her cell phone, which had been on silent and discovered that she had four missed calls and a voicemail. She clicked her call log and read the missed calls. They were all from her parents. Ava frowned, they would never call her that many times, especially at this time unless…. Unless something was very wrong; Ava pressed a button to automatically dial her voicemail and then pressed the phone to her ear to listen to her new message.
"Ava, it's dad. I know you're probably in rehearsal right now but I wanted to let you know that you're sister is here in the hospital. She collapsed earlier today and she's very sick. But Quinn is under the best medical care possible and her doctor is hopeful that she will get better. I just thought you should know. Call me in the morning and we'll talk about this. Everything will be ok Ava I promise. I love you. Bye."
Shocked, Ava snapped the phone closed and her stomach felt sick. She was at the car now and without wasting a second, she unlocked it, opened the door and flung her bag on the passenger's seat before closing the door and starting the car. A second later she backed out of the space and fled into the starless Manhattan night
Got to get away from here...
Got to get away from all these people who need people... You know it really makes me sick
Got to get away from here...
Got to get away from expectations, recreations, just for the sake of it
The large Central Park brownstone of Drs. Derek and Addison Shepherd was dark and empty when Ava came through the front door after speeding through most of Manhattan. She was lucky she hadn't got hit or arrested at the speed she had been going. But at this point, Ava didn't care as she raced up the polished mahogany staircase past the living room where family photos decorated the walls showing them all in happier times.
Ava flipped on the wall light in her room and tossed her dance bag on her bed before crossed to her closet and pulled out her suitcase and then set it on the bed. Then she picked up her cell phone and hit speed dial before turning the speakerphone on and continuing to pack. After two rings someone picked up.
"Hello?" said the voice
"Jackson, it's Ava," Ava said trying desperately to keep her voice calm.
"Ava doll, what's wrong?" Jackson asked moving away from the party he was attending and out onto the terrace. He detected the fear in his daughter's voice almost immediately.
"I need to go to Seattle. My parents are there and now my sister is there and she's sick. And I'm here and I need to go to her…," Ava said in a rush.
"Slow down doll," Jackson said. "What happened exactly?"
"My dad called and left a message on my phone saying that Quinn collapsed and that's she's very sick. I can't just stay here. I have to go to her. I have to see my parents," Ava said her throat tightening as tears welled up inside of her and she fought to control herself. "I miss them."
"Ok baby," he said softly. "I'm on my way; I should be there in 20 minutes."
"Ok."
"Just take a deep breath sweetheart. Everything will be fine," he said before he ended the call.
Sit back New York City
You're not cute but you're oh so pretty
When the rain comes you fall up again...
SUNNY... You are a part of me
SUNNY... You are the heart of me
Ava let out a breath before she began to pack up her stuff. In about 10 minutes, she had everything she would need. Then she went down the hall to the master bedroom and flipped on the light pausing in the doorway. The large king-sized bed in the middle of the room caught her focus. On it was a red Valentino gown of her mother's. Ava had planned to send it off for an anniversary surprise for her mother as well as the shoes and jewelry.
She crossed to the closet and opened it revealing Addison Shepherd's massive shoe collection. Carrie Bradshaw had nothing on her Ava mused as she grabbed a garment bag from the bottom shelf and then packed the items, intending to bring them herself.
After closing the closet, she switched off the light and headed back down the hall to bring her things downstairs. When she finally came back down to the main floor, she entered the living room and switched on a small light. The room lit up revealing the tastefully decorated room done in warm tones. Richly upholstered suede sofas sat around a coffee table. A black Steinway baby grand piano sat near a bay window looking out towards Central Park and it stood to the left of the sofas. To the left of the piano was the fireplace. The wall around it as well as the mantel on top of it was covered with dozens of family photos.
Ava sank heavily into one of the sofas and sighed. She looked out toward the hall. She had been sitting in this very spot when her father came downstairs that night almost one year before. He looked angry and hurt all at the same time. She had stood up and called to him and when he looked at her, something was different. Something had changed within him. When Ava saw the bag in his hand, memories rushed through her head. It was happening again, he was leaving, just as Kate had. And like Kate, he kissed her on the forehead and left.
Ava rose and crossed to the piano running her fingers over the smooth black surface. She had spent many hours here when she was younger playing and now Quinn did the same. She had been standing here when Quinn came into the room in tears telling her that their mother had gone. And it was here that she took Quinn in her arms and held her until she cried herself into an exhausted sleep.
She walked over to the mantle and gazed at some of the photos. The last family photo that was ever taken was at Ava's graduation from high school. They were all so happy then. Then her gaze drifted to a more recent photograph depicting Ava and Quinn backstage at Lincoln Center back in December. Ava was dressed in the Sugar Plum Fairy costume still in full makeup and she was standing next to Quinn on pointe because that was what Quinn had wanted. She wanted a picture not just with her sister, but the Sugar Plum Fairy too. Ava took the photo and hugged it to her chest as the silent tears began to flow.
"Please let my sister be ok. Please let my sister be ok," she whispered. "Please. I can't lose her now."
Sit back New York City Got to get away from here...
You're not cute but you're oh so pretty
When the rain falls you come up again
Sit back New York City friend...
Got to get away from what I'm thinking...I'm thinking...it's too much for anyone...
Got to get away from here...
Got get away from what you're drinking... you're drinking...so I'll take another one...
Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
And I wished for things that I don't need
(all I wanted)
And what I chased won't set me free
(all I wanted)
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees
"Mommy?" said a voice softly in Addison's ear. "Mommy?" the voice said again.
Addison cracked an eye open to see Quinn's impish face staring down at her and the little girl smiled, "Good morning baby girl."
"Good morning mommy."
Addison reached out and grabbed Quinn around the waist pulling the little girl onto the bed with her. Quinn giggled, "Much better. Did you sleep well pumpkin?"
"Yes."
"Were you good for Izzie?"
"Yep and I slept the whole night too."
"Good girl."
"Mommy?"
"Yes honey?"
"Can I have a baby brother?"
Addison stifled a laugh, "Why do you want a baby brother?"
"So that I can have someone to play with when Ava leaves."
"Honey, you'll have friends here when you're well enough to go back to school and besides Ava may not stay in New York after her school ends."
"I still want one though. Ava has two brothers."
"Well baby brothers take time sweetheart."
"I still want one."
"Where did your father go?"
"He wants to bring you breakfast in bed."
Addison smiled, "Why don't you go find him?"
"Ok," Quinn said getting up.
Quinn exited the room and Addison sat up thinking about what Quinn had said. She and Derek had considered having another child four years ago. At first she had trouble recalling why they had stopped trying and then she remembered. When Ava was 13, she experienced a career crisis of sorts after being invited to attend the prestigious New York Ballet Academy shortly before she was introduced to pointe. She was scared more than anything else and decided to quit dancing so seriously and become a cheerleader.
Ava enjoyed the sport, but both Addison and Derek knew that her heart wasn't completely in it. But she stuck with it and in both her freshman and sophomore years, her squad went to nationals in Orlando. However, it was in March of her sophomore year that everything changed. Derek was off work on a Wednesday and he took Quinn to his sister Sarah's house to help her get ready for her son's birthday celebration with the family. Addison had gotten off around five that evening and gone to see Ava cheer at a basketball game. They were planning to leave after half-time. But it was during half-time and a stunt gone dangerously wrong that Ava fell and hit her head knocking her unconscious for about five minutes. As a result Addison and Ava had spent a good portion of the evening in the ER. Ava went back to ballet fulltime soon after the incident.
Oh, yeah And stranger than your sympathy
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt
Addison shuttered at the memory. The door to the on-call room opened a few minutes later and Derek came in with coffee and muffins.
"Morning," Derek said giving his wife a long kiss on the lips.
When they parted Addison was almost breathless, "Good morning to you too."
"I brought coffee."
"Bless you," Addison said taking the coffee that he held out to her.
"Did you get some sleep?"
"Yeah I did. Whatever you did with Ava last night was good, she was stable all night."
"That's good to hear. I told her that we'd go in with her."
"What's Quinn doing here so early?"
"She wanted to see Ava before she went down to pre-op."
"Oh."
"But I'm afraid I have some bad news," Derek said solemnly.
"What? What is it?" Addison asked looking instantly concerned.
Derek pulled out shreds of what used to be a shoe, a pointe slipper to be more exact.
"Please tell me that isn't one of Ava's pointe shoes," Addison continued.
"I'm afraid so. I went to the Four Seasons yesterday to get Ava's stuff and check her out. My best guess is that Quinn was looking at these and forgot to put them back in Ava's bag and Doc thought they would taste pretty good."
Addison groaned, "I've told Quinn a million times to stay away from Ava's dance stuff."
"I know."
"I'll have to call Jackson and ask him if she left an extra pair at his house."
"Addison, Ava won't be dancing for at least two weeks if everything goes well today."
"Not fully. But she'll want to keep limber and I won't be the one to tell her that her pointe slippers have become a doggy treat for Doc."
"Ok. I understand. Now will you please drink your coffee before it gets cold?"
"Fine," she said as Derek sat beside her with his own coffee. After a moment Addison said, "Quinn asked me something very interesting."
"Did she?" Derek asked taking a sip of coffee
"She wants a baby brother."
Derek coughed as he tried not to choke," Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her that baby brothers take time."
"What was her reasoning?"
"Quinn said she wanted to have someone to play with when Ava went back to New York. I told her that she would have friends when she went back to school. But that didn't change her resolve."
"We've discussed having another child before Addie. There's no reason why we can't."
"No," Addison conceded, "There isn't."
"But?"
"But I don't know whether I want to have a child right now. We've just started to get back on track."
"A baby won't change that."
"Derek, you and I are the heads of two departments in the fastest growing hospital in the Pacific Northwest."
"True."
"And right now, I just want to savor the time we have with our children. Quinn is growing up so fast Derek and I don't want to miss that. We've already missed enough as it is."
"I can't dispute that. But let's keep the option open just in case."
"Derek…"
"Addie, just keep the possibility open that's all I'm saying."
Addison looked at him closely, "You really want another baby don't you?"
"Yes I do. I come from a big family and I would like one more child. A boy would be nice, but as long as he or she is healthy I would be happy."
Addison nodded and looked down at the floor. She said nothing for a few minutes, absorbing what he had said and then she looked up at him, "Derek, before Ava came into our lives I wasn't sure about us and our relationship. Yes I loved you, but I wasn't sure if we wanted the same things. Yes we had medicine in common. But our family experiences were very different. You come from a big family and I don't. I am a product of divorce. I never got to know my real father. And when my mom remarried and had Carrie, it took me a long time to feel like I really and truly belonged in my family. And I was content with that. I never thought of myself as a mother. I was career-driven with my entire life in front of me. And then Ava came into my life," Addison paused as she felt emotions well up within her. "She revolutionized the way that I thought Derek and from the moment she asked me if she could call me mommy I knew that I had found what had been missing in my life and in our relationship. I was afraid Derek, afraid to think too far into the future about us. But Ava gave me permission to do that. And then when Quinn came along and I felt whole. I am complete just way things are."
"And if I'm not, what then?"
"Derek, I didn't mean to upset you…"
"Why are you always the one who makes the decisions? Why don't I get a say?"
"I do not make all the decisions!"
"You do Addie. You might not even realize it, but you do. And that would be fine if this were a one-sided marriage but it isn't Addison. This marriage is a partnership with two people in it and it's about time you remembered that."
"Derek, the joint decisions that we make about our children and family such as where they go to school or what they are exposed to is one thing. But having another child is something completely different. You're asking me to make a lot of sacrifices that I may not be ready for. Having another child puts my life and my health at risk. I don't know if I'm ready to put myself out there like that."
"Addison, come on. You're in perfect health. There's nothing stopping this."
"I deal with mothers and babies all day Derek. I care for women who are having babies in the later stages of life. I am the one who has to fix those complications due to advanced maternal age. And when I am unable to fix those things, I have to watch mothers agonize Derek. Do you have any idea what that's like? Do you? I thank the stars above everyday for Quinn, for the fact that she was born healthy. We had those years with her Derek and I'm grateful. But now, we have to face facts. Quinn is still very ill and the pacemaker is only the beginning. We need to focus on her now."
"Ok, fine. You've made your point," said Derek rising.
"Where are you going?"
"To see Quinn."
"Derek do not walk away from me."
He didn't say anything response and instead choice to walk out, leaving Addison alone.
We're taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your love's run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true
Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?
"Quinn are you sure you want to give me this?" Ava asked holding up Jojo the monkey.
"Yes I'm sure, he's good luck"
"Ok, but I'll be sure to give him back after surgery."
"Ava?"
Ava turned to the doorway only to see Xavier standing there.
"You shouldn't be here," Quinn said to Xavier. "You hurt my sister."
"It's ok Quinn," Ava said placing a hand on her sister's arm. "I need to talk to him."
"Ok," said Quinn looking at her sister. "But I still don't trust him."
"That makes two of us," said Ava under her breath. "Why don't you go find Izzie? And I'll see you after I get out of surgery?"
"Ok Ava," Quinn said hugging her sister. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too, more than anything," Ava whispered back.
"More than even ballet?"
"More than even ballet."
"Ok," Quinn said giving her sister a kiss before leaving.
"Do you really love your sister more than ballet?" Xavier asked approaching the bed.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize."
"There is nothing to apologize for."
"Gabby---"
"No! Don't you dare call me that! You have no right. I know Xavier so you can stop pretending."
"What are you talking about?"
"I called your cell phone yesterday and imagine my surprise when Serena answered the phone. Yes, she took great pleasure in telling me the truth about you. I know you're her boyfriend Xavier. And I also know that she asked you to come onto me so that she could learn all of my secrets and all of my flaws. I trusted you Xavier. I gave you my heart and you gave it all to her."
"Ava I never wanted to do this."
"But you did and it is done. Serena Michaels is a great ballerina Xavier, she is beautiful and talented. She is everything any man could want. But underneath all of that is a lying, manipulative, scared little girl who can't handle competition. I know that she's here in Seattle and I bet you ten to one that she is going to call a press conference and tell the world that I'm not who I say I am. Am I right?"
"Yes. But Ava I meant what I said on the phone."
"What? That you love me?"
"Yes."
"Yet you sleep in another woman's bed every night."
"Ava please, I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry; for you. I'm sorry that you're letting Serena use you. But here's a little tip for you, you're not the first guy she's manipulated and you won't be the last. Now please leave."
"Not until you hear me out."
"No. Leave!"
Before she could stop him, Xavier crossed to the bed and kissed Ava. His hands pinned her wrists down as she struggled against him, but she was in no position to fight him. Her heart began to race as her fight or flight response kicked in dumping adrenaline into her blood stream. And then when Xavier felt her stop struggling he pulled away just in time to watch her go into respiratory arrest.
And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and no more wrong
Outside of the room, Quinn heard the alarm go off just as Derek came down the hall.
"Daddy!" she said. "Daddy!"
Derek broke into a run at the sight of Quinn and the sound of the alarms going off. When he reached the room, he went inside and saw a team of nurses and George at Ava's side trying to resuscitate her. He saw red at the sight of Xavier in the corner. As soon as Ava was stable again, Derek grabbed the younger man roughly by the arm and lead him outside.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize."
"You broke her heart, I think that's enough."
"But I love her!"
"If you loved her you would have thought to make better choices. My daughter is very fragile right now as you can see. She needs time to heal physically and emotionally. So please leave."
"I can't leave her, not after this."
"When Ava is feeling better she will decide whether or not to continue seeing you. But as her father, I am telling you to stay away. You've done enough for today."
"Fine," Xavier said and he walked away.
When Derek turned around, Quinn was leaning against the wall looking shaken.
"It's ok Quinn," Derek said swiftly picking his younger daughter. "Ava's fine."
Quinn burst into tears, "Daddy…"
"I know it's scary," he said hugging her tightly.
"What happened?" Addison asked coming down the hall as Quinn sobbed into Derek's shoulder.
"Ava went into respiratory arrest."
"Is she ok?"
"She's stable."
"Richard can't operate on her today if she compromised."
"I'll make that determination myself thank you," Richard Webber said walking past them and into Ava's room.
"Look, I'm sorry about earlier."
"It's fine," Addison said as they watched Richard examined Ava.
Derek rubbed Quinn's back as she started to wind down, "Ava's fine Quinnabear."
"He hurt Ava," Quinn said between hiccupping breaths.
"Who hurt Ava baby?" Addison asked.
"Xavier Manoso," said Derek.
"He was here?"
"Yes and I just sent him away."
"Good," Addison said feeling a slight headache coming on.
"What happened?" Izzie asked coming over to them.
"Ava," Derek said simply.
Izzie nodded in understanding, "Let me take Quinn."
Derek handed Quinn, who was half asleep to Izzie, "Thanks," he whispered.
"No problem," she said and they headed off to a quieter place.
"Addie? Are you feeling ok?" Derek asked taking in his wife's pale demeanor.
"I'm fine, just a bit of a headache."
"Are you sure?"
"Derek, I'm fin—" Addison started to say and then everything went black.
"Addison?" Derek said as he caught her in his arms. "Addie?"
And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was Mmm, yeah
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm
Lyrics:
"NYC Weather Report"- Five for Fighting
"Sympathy"- Goo Goo Dolls
I know, I'm evil! R/R please