"The Pain"
"Now when did this all start?" Dr. Shannon Arnett asked. Dr. Arnett was the head psychiatrist. She seemed to be a laid back doctor, but with nervous tendencies. She would occasionally fumble with her papers, or nibble on her pen; She was still a nice lady.
I met her on my first day here. And by 'here' I mean the Inpatient Mental Health Unit at Toronto General Hospital. After my episode they felt it was best to keep me here for a minimum of 2 weeks. They talked about performing a mental evaluation because my mom said that they worried for my mental health. They went on telling her that I may have some mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar. But it's unlikely that I have either now.
Currently, I sat on the chair opposite to Dr. Arnett, with my right leg pushed up to my chest. My hospital id band scratched against me as I struggled to stay still.
"When did what start?" I questioned, wrapping an arm around my leg.
Dr. Arnett raised her eyebrow at me. She saw right through my act. I watched her while she readjusted herself in her chair.
"Do you understand why you're here?" She said in a calm tone. I responded by slowly nodding my head.
"Can you explain to me why you're here?"
"I had a small freak out. Nothing big."I said muttering the last part while averting my gaze. I knew why I was here, but it's yet to occur to me what caused me to be here.
"Look, Clare, I know you're going through something. Your mom knows it, your friends know it, and I know it, and I just met you." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk.
"Clare we all care about you so much. You have so many people that love you."
"Why are you telling me this?" I whispered. "If you think this is going to make me open up or snap me into shape it's not."
"That's not my intention-"
"Then what are you trying to do? Hm? I'd like to know."
"I want you to see what you're doing to yourself." The room fell silent. I crossed my arms, looking away from her.
"I've just been over worked. You know, with school and everything."
"But you're not going to school. In fact you were on academic probation. The University has been kind enough to allow you back once things are better. Not many universities do that."
"I know." I muttered, biting my finger nail. Another dead silence lingered between us.
"Clare? Let me just tell you one thing and we can talk about whatever you want; You still have 25 minutes left." A sense of relief ran through me as I mustered up enough compassion to look her in the eyes.
"You are on a very serious path to self destruction. You've lost nearly 40 pounds, you look emaciated. Even your blood work done at the time of your admission to the ER shows you're dehydrated, low in iron, and protein levels. You're classified as borderline anorexic." I looked out the side window, seeing the courtyard to the hospital. I focused on so many things around me, rather then what was inside.
I nodded my head and stood up from my chair.
"May I use the restroom?" She put her head down and nodded before leaning back in her chair.
"Alright, take your time. You can use my personal restroom." She said, pointing to a door that was slightly ajar.
Why do people constantly think something's wrong? How are they able to "help" me when I refuse to say no more than a few words. Their efforts are futile.
I felt my skin itching, tingling almost. My body craved the sweet nicotine that brought me relief. I guess that's just another problem to add to my list.
I rushed towards the door and stepped inside, searching for the light switch. Once I found it, I flicked it on. The lights flickered slightly before turning on, illuminating the room. The walls had a cream color to them and floor seemed to be neglected by the cleaning staff for who knows how long.
I closed the door behind me, locking it. I turned around, coming face-to-face with someone I didn't recognize.
Her cheeks were sunken in, her hair was brittle. The light pink pajamas that adorned her frail features illuminated her alarmingly small waist.
I whipped around, not wanting to see this stranger anymore. I placed my right forearm against the wall, as I rested my forehead against my arm. I closed my eyes, as the images ran through my mind.
I slid my body against the door, letting my arm fall limp by my side. I rolled over slowly, leaning my body weight against the door, seeing the stranger again.
She was sick.
All of this felt like a movie and I was its only viewer. I stayed at the edge of my seat just waiting to see what happens next. The suspense was palpable. The fear, overwhelming. Her sickness was all I could see.
But, sadly, this wasn't a movie; It was my life. It was my existence. Perhaps talking with Dr. Arnett isn't as unnecessary as I thought.
I pulled my eyes away from the mirror while slowly moving myself away from the door, opening it slowly. Dr. Arnett sat at her desk writing some notes down before looking up at me.
"You ready to talk?" She said in a calm voice, closing my folder and pushing it aside. She rested back in her chair, it bounced a bit as it supported her weight.
She motioned her hand towards the chair where I had previously sat. I bit my lip taking small steps towards it before finally taking a seat. There was tension in the room. Tension for me to talk and reveal everything to her. A small part of me wanted to let the flood gates loose and tell her everything. Yet the dark side of me wanted to lock everything up, keep it in me, throughout the key.
But that is not going to happen.
"Where would you like to start?" She asked as I looked down at the floor.
"I don't know."
"Well there has to be something that started all of this. Even if you don't remember we're going to find out what that is." I stayed quiet. The word party was on the tip of my tongue.
That's where everything started.
"There-" I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.
"There was this party." My voice was a little shaky at the end as I spoke.
"Alright, that's a start. Now what happened at the party? Was it something that happened? Was it someone that did something?" I nodded my head.
"Do you remember anything from that night?" Memories came running through my mind. Him. Waking up alone in a bed, naked. Not being able to remember anything. All the feelings came back; Again.
But compared to all the other times I didn't try to stop them. For some reason I felt safe in front of Dr. Arnett. I felt safe in a hospital. They could calm me down, and hopefully, stop this from ever happening again.
"It was, loud-very loud." I whispered, but just enough so she could hear me.
"What was loud?"
"The music. There were so many people around me." I paused for a moment before continuing. "The room started spinning. I don't know. It just blurred out from there."
"Clare? Clare please look at me." I took a deep breath and looked at her.
"Clare, whatever happened that night, is not in any way your fault." I didn't respond. I wanted her to continue. She was slowly unwrapping my secret right before my eyes. She can say what I've been keeping in for so long.
"You can trust me Clare. I'm here to help you."
"I woke up in a bed the next day." I blurted out. I felt like a piece of garbage.
She nodded her head, seemingly thrown off by my confession. She calmly reached for my chart, opening it.
"What else?" She said, hoping to coax more out of me.
You've already said too much. No one needed to know.
"I-" My voice cracked as I tried to speak. The constant voice in my head kept telling me to leave, but I needed this.
"I can't do this." I said breaking down. The tears came out , full force. My vision was blurry as I looked at Dr. Arnett.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. I felt like I had let her down-no-let everyone down.
"Clare, it's okay, it is. Whenever you're ready." I watched as her blurry form walked towards me.
"But I am, I'm tired of this." I muttered as I dug my nails into my leg.
"I hate the pain." I said louder. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate."
"Can you just try? Try and tell me. Whatever you say stays in this room; I promise." I bit my lip as I rocked myself back and forth. I was having an internal battle. My demons held my secrets while I wanted to set them free.
"I woke up naked." My eyes closed, a sense of relief washed over me. It was out. My secret was finally out. But I still felt like complete crap.
"Oh." She whispered.
I couldn't bare to see her face, to see the shame and disgust that she must feel towards me. I was nothing but a piece of trash.
I kept my face down, staring intently at the floor. But I listened closely to her every move.
"What did you do when you woke up?"
My head was pounding, my body sore, and an uncomfortable throbbing between my legs.
I slowly sat up, my vision beginning to blur but slowly going back to normal. I pulled the sheets off revealing my bare body.
"Oh god." I sat up from the bed frantically looking around the small room, seeing my pants, shirt, and bra. Failing to find my underwear I dashed towards them quickly picking them up and slipping them on. I walked towards the door and poked my head out looking up and down the hallway immediately recognizing my surroundings; It was Dave's house.
"I was at my friend's boyfriend's house."
"Do you know her boyfriend?"
"Sort of, but we're not close." Dave and I were friends, to say the least. I resented him for some things he had done back in high school to Alli, but I forgave him. But I know he's a good guy and he cares about others.
"Alright, did you see anyone else?"
"Oh you got shit faced last night. It was kind of funny to be honest. Bianca and I had to drag you into Dave's room. " Alli said while laughing.
"Yeah." I coughed a little finally making eye contact with her. "My friend Alli; It was her boyfriend's house."
"You seem to remember a lot; That's good." She said smiling down at me as she leaned against her desk. "This'll help us with a lot of things."
"What kind of things?" I said with a nervous look. I didn't want to do anything about what happened. There's nothing to fix. It was all my fault.
"To determine your diagnosis and help you find ways of dealing with what happened. And if you choose to, later on, press charges, we can have supporting information."
"But I don't want to press charges." I said in a firm voice. She nodded her head before replying.
"I don't want to push you to do anything you don't want to do. I just feel that it would be in your best interest."
I didn't reply to her, not really feeling up to it anymore. This talk of pressing charges and telling her about that night is taking a toll on me.
"Can I please go back to room, I'm done." Dr. Arnett gave me a sympathetic look before dismissing me from session.
These two weeks were going to be difficult.
xxx
I sat in my room, the lights off, windows closed, rocking back and forth. I don't know how long I stared at the wall for but it was sometime between them serving lunch and the nurse rotation. My room was near the nurses station which allowed me to hear everything.
I've only been here for 3 days and I feel worse than before. Things aren't seeming to get better. I can barely tell the days apart; They blur together.
I've tried talking to some other patients but I can't. I want to be home, with my friends and family. I want to wake up and have some sort of comfort. I'm on a strict no visitor basis. Phone calls are allowed but I've refused every one of them.
This place allows me to think. I mean really think. The thoughts are endless, never stopping for more than a few seconds. I hear the man's voice, xo, from that night. The low rasp, the terrifyingly calm way he went about things. It's as though he had done this before and he knew what to expect.
"Hey there Clarebear, time for some fun"
He knew my name. He knows who I was. I'm not sure if I ever noticed that before, but that terrifies me, yet gives me some relief. He's not some random stranger looking for a good time. This was someone I could possibly track down and recognize.
I'm assuming that I was in such a hazy state, from keeping it all in, that I never got a real chance to evaluate what happened. To really remember key details.
I suppose only Dr. Arnett could have helped me achieve this small win. Maybe me being here is a good thing.
A loud knock at my door startled me before I looked to see who it was. A nurse, more specifically Nurse Miranda, emerged.
"Hi dear, you have a call up front."
"Who is it?"
"A young lady; She didn't say her name." I nodded my head, unraveling myself from my bed sheets and stepping out onto the cold tile floor.
She gave me a smile, finally seeing me out and about.
"I'm glad you decided to answer this call!" Miranda said enthusiastically.
"The staff and I were worried about." I smiled a little and looked up at her as we both walked towards the phone at the end of the nurses station.
"There's nothing to worry about." I whispered. "I'm fine."
She gave me a sympathetic look, while patting me on the back and handing me the phone.
"You have a 5 minutes before the phone shuts off. " I smiled at her as I nervously took the phone. She mouthed 'good luck' to me before walking behind the counter, occasionally glancing up at me.
I took a deep breath and put the phone to my ear, hearing silence on the other end. I cleared my throat before saying, "Hello?"
"Clare?"
"Yeah." I was already itching to go back to my room.
"I'm so glad you finally decided to answer! I've been trying to get a hold of you for so long! How are you?"
"Fine."
"Clare please talk to me."
"I am, I just don't really feel like talking. If that makes sense." I heard her sigh as before replying.
"Yeah, it does. I'm just really worried about you. I know I haven't really talked to you much but I'd like to change that."
"Alli, do you really think that's a good idea? I'm a mental ward. And I will be for a while."
"But that's the thing I don't get Clare! Why the hell are you even there?"Why was she giving me the third degree? I didn't do anything to her, if anything she did something to me! Her boyfriend threw a party and because of that some guy raped me! Does she not get that? She left me her boyfriend's room, piss drunk, to get raped by anyone! And it happened. She let it happen.
"Because! I'm fucking crazy maybe that's why. Maybe I went completely lunatic and I belong here. Who really knows!"
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Alli, I just want you to know, this is your fault. If you're so set on knowing why I'm here than there. It's. Your. Fault."
"Clare! What the hell did I do?-"
"It's not what you did, it's what you let happen!" I said as I slammed the phone onto the receiver. I glanced up seeing a few patients and nurses staring at me.
My eyes began to water up as I looked at each one of them, before I took off to my room. Miranda tried to stop me as well as a few nurses but I ignored them.
I began to cry heavily as I walked into my room, closing the door. I threw my self on my bed and sobbed, making loud noises as I did.
I was acting like a four year old having a tantrum. I was fed up, I was angry, I was sick. And I couldn't do anything. I was trapped in my own mind.
The door opened as, who I assumed, was Miranda. She sat next to me and rubbed my back, telling me everything was going to be okay.
She grabbed both of my biceps and pulled me up to a sitting posistion as she hugged me.
"Shh, it's okay. You're okay. You're going to get better here. I promise."
I promise
Please, I'm holding onto that.
Would you guys prefer to see a sequel where I continue everything?
So as I've said in the past, I'm ending this story at 20 chapters. Well my mind has been brewing with new ideas and I think it would be easier to just make a sequel. Involving her recovery and dealing with xo.
xo will be revealed on chapter 20 ;3
I really need some feedback on this one!
Review, review, review!
I really appreciate your feedback!
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