BPOV
I wanted to push him off. Every cell in my body was screaming at me, telling me to stop. My body was working on its own accord, though. He is drunk, he is drunk I chanted to myself, but no matter what I thought, I knew this was my only chance to prove to him that I was what he needed.
He pulled away, giving us a chance to take a breath. His eyes never left mine, but I was finally able to think straight. How was he going to know I was what he needed if he won't remember any of this? He brought his face towards mine again; if I let him kiss me again I wouldn't stop. I let out a groan and he opened his eyes.
"You alright?" He mumbled.
"No…yes…I am more than alright." I was so happy I felt like I was flying, but that did not mean this was alright.
"Good," he closed his eyes again. The purple over his eyelids showed he hadn't slept in a while.
"No, Edward…" I didn't want to say it. Why couldn't I for once not think straight? Why couldn't I just let go and let it happen? "We can't be doing this." I sighed in defeat, my morals and sense of what is wrong and right won me over.
"Why not?" His face got closer, his nose sliding up and down the side of my neck. I clutched the edge of the countertop, my knuckles hurting from the tight hold. I held my breath and closed my eyes; it did not help at all. Once again my heart started beating fast, my lips parted and I could taste the cologne that was still on his skin from this evening.
"Because…because…this…is wrong."
"How?"
The thought of him being drunk again brought me back down from the heaven that I was in. "You drank five glasses of wine at dinner and you just drank almost a whole bottle of it by your self. You are drunk, Edward. You don't know what you are doing and then you will end up hating me."
"I won't hate you, I have never hated you," he blew on my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
I took in a deep breath, "I will hate myself. As much as I want this, this is not right. You are engaged and you are drunk. I am not going to do this to you…I am not going to do this to myself." It seemed like he didn't hear what I just said, as he continued to kiss my neck. I held on to his shoulders, this made him think I was pushing him closer, so he turned his face towards mine and kissed me again. I pushed him back with all my strength. He let go of me and walked backwards. It seemed like he finally realized what he was doing.
"You want this just as much as I do Bella," ok maybe not.
I hopped down and took a step closer to him, "I don't think you really want this. You are drunk, here I am with a tank top and shorts, the only person in this house that is not taken and that is not family. You probably miss Lucy and want some company. I want you, Edward. I want you more than you think, but that does not mean this is right. If you feel the same way you do now in the morning then let me know."
We stood there staring at each other for a couple of seconds. "You know you are the most selfless creature on this planet," he blurted out.
"Thanks," I smiled. I walked past him and made my way back to his bedroom. A part of me wanted to run back to him. This was probably the only chance I can get to be with him. Maybe if I just went along with it, in the morning he would realize we were meant to be together. I paused on the stairs. Maybe I really should go back. I frowned as I continued going up the stairs. I was not going to do this to him.
I crawled in to his bed and pulled the covers over my head. I used one of his pillows to muffle my cries. Why did love come so naturally and easily to everyone else but me?
It was a hot summer, the first time in months it was a clear sky, and the temperature had reached the high eighties. All the neighborhood kids were outside playing their own games, trying to find a way to cool down. We were in my front yard playing with a hose. Alice and I were trying to spray a yelping Rosalie who was running around hiding behind trees and cars. Emmett was in his back yard with Edward and Jasper, putting as much use as they can to the pool that they only used on rare occasions, due to the rainy and cold weather of Forks. They were all showing off the flips they can do on the diving board. A couple of kids were in there watching them perform. I wanted to jump into the pool and play Marco Polo or some fun game, but Rosalie had gotten her period for the first time, and we promised her we would not ditch her.
"Alright Rosalie, we promise we won't spray you," I laughed. She poked her head from the side of the tree and saw that we had put the hose back. We all ran into my back yard and sat on the grass. The sound of kids cheering made its way to our ears.
"I hate when they show off," Rosalie looked at my fence, as if she can see right through it.
"Oh shut up Rose, you know Emmett is doing it to get your attention, and Alice, Jasper is doing the same for you."
"Who is Edward doing it for?" Alice asked.
I shrugged, "I don't know. Probably showing off for some girl he likes."
"Has he told you who he likes?" I shook my head. "Then he probably doesn't like anyone. He tells you everything."
Rosalie dragged a lawn chair and stood on top of it when she put it by the fence. We did the same thing. The crowd of kids had grown. Some were in the pool and some were waiting by the diving boards.
"That's nice of Edward and Emmett, letting people in their back yard."
"That doesn't sound like Emmett, it was probably Edward's idea," Rosalie giggled. Emmett turned around and looked at us. He smiled and gave a friendly wave. His black curly hair was plastered to his face. He looked more like an eighteen year old than a fourteen year old.
He jumped on to the diving board as he pushed a little scrawny boy out of his way. "Rosalie Hale this is for you!" He flipped into the water. Rosalie gave a smug smile, enjoying the attention. He popped right out of the pool and then his head was suddenly floating on the other side of the fence. "Rose, will you be my girlfriend?" Rosalie's eyes widened and then she nodded. "Cool," he smiled. He kissed her on the cheek and then ran back to the pool.
Rosalie slid down the fence and sat down on the chair. "About time he asked me." We all started to laugh. "I think he is the one."
I rolled my eyes, "you are only fourteen."
"So? He is the only boy I ever noticed. I never liked any of the guys that liked me. I only like him."
"He is your soul mate. Just like how Jasper is my soul mate," Alice nodded.
"Too bad he doesn't know that," I pointed out.
"He will." Alice was confident.
Why didn't I have that? How was Alice so sure Jasper was her soul mate and that he loved her back when she was only thirteen? Why at the age of twenty three, I wasn't so sure about anything?
The smell of bacon and pancakes wafted in through my open door. Alice was sitting at the foot of the bed looking through Edward's pictures.
"Do you have anything better to do?" I grumbled. The water bottle on the nightstand reminded me of what happened the other night, quickly spreading a blush on my face.
"Why are you blushing?"
"No reason." I did not want Alice making this a big deal.
She shrugged, "Sure Bella. Hurry up and get showered. Esme wants us all to eat breakfast together and Emmett looks like he is ready to take a bite out of the table.
I showered as quickly as I can and then made my way downstairs. Everyone was at the table except for Edward. Carlisle noticed he was the one I was searching for.
"Edward will not be eating breakfast with us. He is very sick due to the insanely large amount of alcohol he drank last night. I thought he would know a thing or two about being drunk and having hangovers since he is going to be doctor soon." Carlisle spoke over his newspaper. I nodded.
The whole day went by with Rosalie and Alice giving me questioning stares. Every time someone would say my name I would blush. It seemed like every one knew about what happened last night. What would they think of me if they did find out? Would Carlisle and Esme think of me as a home wrecker? Would Alice think I was irresponsible? Would Emmett think it was right, or would taking advantage of a drunk engaged man – even for a couple of minutes, be considered wrong, even to him?
I didn't see Edward until dinner. We did not speak or make eye contact at all. I am sure someone noticed.
The next couple of days went the same. I would wake up to Alice hovering over me, forcing me to get up and shower. We would all eat breakfast and then usually go our separate ways. Carlisle would go to work, Jasper would be on the computer doing some stuff with work, and Emmett would just sit in front of the TV, occasionally picking up a phone call or two. I would usually be forced to go shopping with Rosalie and Alice, and then I would go visit Charlie. Edward…I really didn't know what he was up to. He would usually eat breakfast and then leave the house right away, and not come back till dinner.
It was finally the night before the wedding. We were all in the living room watching Enchanted.
"Alice, why the hell are you making us watch this crap? I don't care about some delusional singing freak," Emmett huffed getting up.
"Well, it is time we go celebrate your last night as a single man, anyways." Jasper also got up and patted his shoulder.
"Do not do anything stupid," Rose warned.
"Don't worry babe, Jasper is a married man. He won't get carried away," Emmett reassured her.
Edward was supposed to go with them, but he made up some excuse about how Lucy was coming in tonight and she wasn't feeling too well, so he wanted to be there with her. Jasper got a hold of some of Emmett's friends and they were all going to go celebrate Emmett's bachelor party. They wouldn't tell us where they were going, Rosalie didn't want to know. Alice finished applying the brownish green mask on Rosalie's face and then sent her to bed.
"Ok, I am going to bed. Don't stay up too late," she skipped off to her room. It was just Edward and I sitting next to each other now. At first, I was into the movie, but then I became aware of how close we were sitting when I heard his heavy breathing. I looked over and our shoulders were almost touching. His hands were on his knees and he was staring straight at the TV.
He saw me looking from the corner of his eyes. "Hey."
"Hey," I quickly turned away.
"We haven't really talked lately, huh?"
"No."
"What happened the other night…" He started. I felt my face go red.
"Nothing happened. I came downstairs for a drink of water and you were up drinking. We had a little chit chat and then I went to bed."
He laughed. I scooted over and turned my body around so I could get a better view of him. "Bella, I remember it all. We did more than talking."
"Oh…why didn't you say anything?"
"Because I didn't want to make it too awkward for you. I still care about you, you know? I'm just sorry that that isn't enough for you"
I reached up and pressed my palm against his scruffy cheek. My hand felt like it was going to melt right off. "No, I am sorry that I was the terrible friend and I ruined everything. You would never have to feel sorry for anything if it wasn't for me."
He frowned. His right hand grabbed my chin and he held it firmly. He was staring directly into my eyes. Our closeness made me uncomfortable so I averted my eyes and stared at the tip of his nose.
"Look at me," he growled. I looked up thinking his eyes would mirror the anger he felt towards me, for what ever I did. Instead, I was looking at two beautiful green eyes filled with love and sorrow, and they looked like they were searching. I got impatient and started to squirm underneath his hand. "Hold on for one second!" His eyes were getting more frantic, as if he was running out of time. I got scared. What was going on with him? I pulled my face away and he let go. He sighed, leaning back into the couch. His one hand was over his eyes and a small, sad smile was playing on his lips.
"Edward what's-"
"Have you wondered why some things end up going one way, even though you have all the power to make them go another?" He cut in.
"Are we talking about super heroes now or something?" What was up with the sudden change in mood?
He let out a frustrated laugh. "No, not super heroes. I am asking you a serious question. Have you ever thought about that?"
I quickly thought about why he would be asking me this question. His hand moved from his eyes and he impatiently stared at me. I guess he really wanted to know the answer. "I think because we are scared. We are comfortable with how our lives are going now and we don't want to ruin anything."
"How come you weren't scared to take a chance? To make things go the other way?"
"Because I was stupid, and I didn't think of the consequences. A normal person wouldn't have done what I did if they thought it through. Can I ask you a question?" He nodded. "Do you believe you can be in love with two people at the same time?" I really didn't want to know the answer. I already knew he wasn't in love with me. Why did I want to hurt more?
His blew out a gust of air he was holding in. "It is possible…but in the end you have to be in love with one of them, more than the other. Who ever you choose, that's the person you love more. That is the person you can't live without. The person that makes you smile."
My heart broke. He did not love me at all, so why was I still upset? He never had anyone to choose between because he always only had Lucy. He never loved me that way. I felt like this was us saying goodbye. It felt like he was telling me that he didn't need me anymore because he has someone else, someone that is everything I was and more.
I bit my lip, trying my hardest to hold back the tears. "You'll find someone, Bells. Someone that is good enough for you." He noticed I was starting to get emotional.
"So, you are good enough for Lucy?" The question came right out. This was the question I wanted to ask him since the day he rejected me.
He sighed, "That is different. I have known you for such a long time. I know your likes and dislikes. I know you from the inside and out. We have some stuff in common, but we are two very different people. You need someone that will never hurt you and take advantage of the friendship. With Lucy and I, we started out fresh. We didn't really know each other and we went straight into the dating scene. We became attracted to each other before we became friends. We are so alike that we fit together. I never felt the need to protect her from other men or anything because she was mine a little after we met. I don't know how else to explain it."
"You never hurt me or took advantage of our friendship," I whispered.
"Oh please, yes I did. I would constantly hurt you, and I would keep coming back because I knew no matter what I did you would take me back. I always took advantage of our friendship. When I felt like I didn't need you, I would ignore you. I would say mean things to you and hurt you. When I would start to feel that I needed you again, I would come back and apologize, knowing damn well you would forgive me."
He took a deep breath. "How could I ever feel like I am good enough for you after I did all that? I don't deserve your kindness and your love." The doorbell rang. "That must be Lucy," he got up.
I couldn't get up. I just sat there, staring at a spot on the wall. "Hey Bella, I haven't seen you in a while. You must be really busy." I turned towards Lucy who was standing there with Edward's arm around her waist.
"Hey Lucy," I forced a smile. "Edward you can take your room back."
"No way. We will be fine here," he argued.
"Look, there are two of you and only one of me. I get that I am a guest here, but I am practically family. This is Lucy's first time here and her first time meeting the family. She is more of a guest than I am, so she deserves the room."
"Thanks Bells. Lucy, it's the first bedroom on the right. I'll be right there." She nodded and left. Edward walked over to where I was sitting but he didn't sit down. He grabbed my head and brought my face to his chest. "Thank you," he kissed my hair. Tears that I couldn't control rolled off my face and onto his shirt.
"No problem."
"Goodnight Bella. Good luck tomorrow. I have a feeling Rosalie is going to complain about at least ten things." He smiled and went upstairs.
I fell back onto the couch, not even bothering to change. Tomorrow was going to be a long day. I just couldn't wait till it was all over and done with. I would be able to go back home and forget about everything. My eyes snapped open. Going back home meant we were getting closer to Edward getting married. "Ugh," I moaned. I threw the pillow over my head and closed my eyes shut.
--
It was quiet when I woke up, too quiet. There was a note on my pillow. Lucy, Rose, Megan, Esme and I went to get our hair done. Take a shower and be ready for when I get home, so I can do your hair. The boys went to a hotel a couple hours ago, so no one will be home. Esme left some breakfast out for you.
Great, not only does she have Edward, but she is slowly taking away my best friends. I shook my head, no that was my fault. I chose not to be a bridesmaid. I went to the kitchen and slowly ate my breakfast, trying to pass time. The girls came back two hours after I had taken my shower, all looking as beautiful as ever. I felt like a sore thumb, standing there with my wet hair dripping down my back and my holey sweats hanging off of me. Alice, Lucy and Megan were all wearing a light purple backless dress. Esme was in a stunning green dress, and Rosalie, even though she was still wearing Emmett's dress shirt and a pair of jeans, was breath taking.
After Alice had finished my hair, Rosalie walked in, now wearing her wedding dress, with a red dress in her hand.
"What's that?" I nodded towards the dress.
"This is your dress." She hung it in front of me.
I sighed, "Rosalie, I know it is your wedding, but you can't control what everyone is wearing."
"Want to bet?" She challenged. I grabbed the dress from her hands, knowing that arguing would just be a waste of time.
As I was slowly making my way downstairs, trying not to trip in the heels Alice had forced on me, I heard Lucy talking at the foot of the stairs. I scowled. She was telling Megan every detail about her soon to be wedding. How was I going to go to his wedding, if I was dreading seeing him at a wedding. That is life though. You live, you love, you hurt, you die.
"Bella, you look gorgeous!" Megan ran over to examine me closer.
"Definitely not as gorgeous as you guys."
"Why, of course not!" She joked. Megan is Rosalie's cousin. She is the type of girl that can make a party, but then after about an hour, she is the one that breaks it. She doesn't have limits and can annoy the hell out of you, but she can make anyone smile when they are feeling down. I looked over at Lucy who was giving me a tight smile. I gave her one back. I really couldn't wait to see Megan all over him, not only because Edward couldn't stand her, but I knew it would bother Lucy to no end.
I excused myself and went into the backyard to see how far Alice went. My jaw dropped. She really went above and beyond. The backyard was completely transformed. There were little lights in all the trees and bushes. There was a big tent with round tables underneath it and a big dance floor in the center. There were flowers everywhere.
"No one was supposed to see it until after the ceremony!" Alice came over and grabbed my hand.
"Alice this is amazing." I whispered in awe.
The compliment stopped her from pulling me inside. "Really? Thanks! It did take a lot of work, but I made it happen. I wish they decided to get married back here because I could have made a little section for the ceremony, and it would have looked so cute!"
"This is more than enough."
"It is never enough. Come on. We have to go to the church." She pulled me in.
When Rosalie had walked down the aisle, Emmett was beaming. We were all crying. Rosalie's parents, Emmett's parents, and all of her friends. I mainly cried for my own selfish reasons. Rosalie leaving meant I was going to be on my own. Only reason I had seen them all a lot lately was because of the wedding preparations. They were soon going to all go their own ways, and I would be alone. I was also crying because deep down I was jealous of what Emmett and Rosalie had. Their relationship wasn't exactly like Alice and Jasper's, but it was amazing in its own way. They were so real with each other. They didn't mind insulting each other, or yelling at each other. They were dead honest when it came to their relationship. They were both very strong people, and they loved with all their heart. They constantly had their arguments, but they always admitted when they were wrong. If people saw them together for the first time, they would think their relationship strives on the physical aspects, but they would not have lasted all these years together if it was just physical. No one could turn Emmett from the big scary tough guy into a little puny boy in love except for Rosalie. Emmett was the only one who could make Rosalie, in her craziest witch moments relax. They really were soul mates, and I was jealous that they so easily got together.
The reception was fun...I guess. I mainly sat at a table with Charlie, watching people dance. I had refused Carlisle's offer to dance, not wanting to embarrass myself by tripping in the ridiculously high heels I was wearing. I smiled when I saw Megan feeling Edward up while they were dancing, and then I groaned when Lucy appeared out of no where. Edward caught me staring and I quickly took a sip of my champagne, trying to cool down the blush that had made its way to my face.
Charlie pushed me out of my seat when Rosalie was about to throw her bouquet. I slowly walked to the dance floor, praying that I wouldn't be the one to catch it. I really didn't want all the attention on me and then have people think how unfortunate it was of me to catch it since I had absolutely no one in my life. I started to think about what people must think. The odd one out. All her friends getting married except for her. She must be lonely. I grimaced. They should really be the odd ones out. Alice getting married at twenty three and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie at twenty four. That is what is considered weird these days. It is common for people not to get married until their late twenties or early thirties. I looked up when I heard cheering. Lucy had caught it - what luck. I looked over at Edward who had a shy smile on because of all the people that were staring at him.
I left the tent and walked over to the tree farthest from it. I leaned against it, staring at the full moon.
"Want to dance? They are about to play the last song." Jasper came out from behind the trees.
"No thanks. I'd rather not."
"Come on. It is the last dance. Don't let Edward ruin your day."
"Edward isn't ruining my day at all. I just don't like to dance, and you know that. Go dance with Alice."
"She doesn't feel to good. She just wants to sit." He walked over and stood next to me.
"Where were you anyways?" He didn't say anything. My eyes narrowed. "You were in the woods with Alice weren't you?" He blushed. "Thats gross, Jasper. Thats sounds like something Emmett would do. Have ssex with your wife, and then ask another girl to dance with you."
"She was tired and I just wanted to excite her ok? Forgive me for trying to be a good husband. Anyways, I didn't get that far. She really doesn't feel that good." He frowned.
"Please tell me you are sad because your wife is sick and not because you didn't have the chance to feel her up." He flashed a smile. "Don't even answer that. Come on lets go dance."
We got back inside the tent and almost everyone was on the dance floor, except for Charlie, of course. I smiled at him as I walked by. 'Don't trip,' he mouthed. I rolled my eyes. You've Got a Friend started playing. I laughed at how ironic the song was. Jasper grabbed my hand and spun me before pulling me into him.
"Hey Jasper, thanks for making me dance."
"Aw, you are just getting sentimental because of the song."
"Maybe, but it is true."
"I care about you Bells. I'm glad I can help you out."
"Bella dancing by choice? Wow, that is a first!" Emmett and Rosalie danced over next to us.
"I have danced before."
"Only by force," Emmett laughed.
I looked around the packed dance floor until my eyes landed on him. He was holding Lucy tightly and his face was near her neck. He looked up, like he knew I was staring at him, and our eyes met. He smiled and I smiled back. At that moment, I realized that fate couldn't be controlled. No matter what happened, I was going to stay strong, so he can be happy, so I can stay happy.
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