Sorry about the slow update but I have lots of things going on right now. And I seam to have lost some of my motivation for this story. I try really hard to write but It's hard. Not too many chapters left and I hope there's at least some of you left who stil reads this. Anyway here's the next chapter. Not the best I wrote but I will shape up until the next one. I promise :)

Mercedes sat still while her mother braided her hair in one simple french braid. Normally she would never wear a braid but today was not normal. It was Sunday the 21 of October and today was Kurt's funeral. She looked at her black dress and wondered weather Kurt would be satisfied with her choice of clothes for the day. They had all helped to plan the funeral. Mostly Carole and the New directions but Mr Shue had helped and even Burt had been very keen on having his saying in the planing even though he sometimes recoiled to be an empty shell. Finn was the only one who refused and ever since his first they back in school he had turned angrier and angrier. Mercedes knew he felt guilty. Mercedes felt guilty too and she blamed herself more than anyone ever knew. If she only had kept asking even though Kurt had refused to answer. If only she had forced him to talk to say something. But no matter how much she blamed herself it was to late now and today was the day when she was attending her best friend's funeral.

The ride to the church was quiet and no one spoke a word before Puck stopped the car in the parking lot and turned off the engine.

"So this is it I guess" He said quietly as he opened the door and got out of the car.

He opened the back seat door and helped Mercedes out by offering her a hand. It felt warm in hers but she let go of it as soon as she was out of the car.

It was a small service just like they all had agreed on and on any other day Mercedes would find the church beautiful. Now she could barely focus as she made her way to her seat to the tunes of the song they all had agreed on. Memories overpowered her and the tears flowed down her cheeks.

I miss you Kurt

I miss you so much that it hurts

Can you hear that?

I love you

Somewhere, someone held her hand guiding her to a seat, holding on to her. Otherwise maybe she would fall to the ground and not being able to stand up.

The song came to a stop and someone began to speak but she didn't listen. She wouldn't hear a word of the sad words spoken.

She sat there through the songs they were all meant to be singing not being able to sing one single word.

Her mother had told her that funeral were meant to be a goodbye, They were meant to be beautiful but Mercedes knew one thing.

This wasn't beautiful.

The roses covering Kurt's white coffin weren't beautiful and neither was the candles nor the songs.

Nor the photo of Kurt smiling at her

The sun shining through the church window wasn't beautiful and she couldn't even think Rachel singing "Tears in heaven" was beautiful because it wasn't. Non of this.

Death wasn't beautiful

And funerals certainly wasn't beautiful at all. They were just horrible and sad and heartbreaking and leaving her unable to breathe.

Why hadn't anyone told her how much it would hurt?

I love you

Mercedes looked around. Saw all her friends sitting beside her. All of Kurt's friends. In front of her Burt sat along with Carole and Finn. The man's shoulders were shaking as cried violently. The sobs echoed on the stone walls.

There was nothing beautiful about death.

Just plain emptiness of those left behind, and it hurt.

God it hurt.

To my bestfriend

They say heaven is a better place than earth

and maybe it is

But I miss everything about you

and I want to hold your hand

Don't go were I can't follow

I want to hold your hand

I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe

Until the day we can reunite

I will hold on to your heart just like a used to hold your hand

I love you