I own none of the characters of October Road

"Hey honey. I'm back." Eddie called as he stepped through Janet's front door. He almost said that he was home and he really wished at this moment that they did live together but he knew, in time, they would become a reality.

"In here." She called from the kitchen. With a smile, he went to join his girlfriend.

"I hope that you're hungry. There was a sale on the chicken. I got ten pieces, four biscuits, and a pint of coleslaw for ten bucks. Can you believe it?" Eddie was extremely proud of himself for the deal he had found.

"I'm starved." Her back had been towards him since he walked into the kitchen and she finally turned around, walked over to him and hugged him tightly.

"Hey what's this for?" He asked as he returned the hug. "Not that I am complaining." She pulled back and looked into his eyes. She had washed her face so there was no evidence of her earlier tears.

"I love you and being with you is the best choice that I have ever made."

"I feel the same way sweetheart." Janet pulled Eddie's face down to hers and she kissed him softly.

After they broke the kiss Janet unloaded the food and filled two paper plates with food. Since it was early evening and the weather was nice, they decided to take their dinner outside on the deck. Eddie turned on the radio and they enjoyed a quiet dinner together.

"I need to talk to you babe." Janet told him after they finished eating. Eddie noticed that she had been quiet during dinner and he decided to wait it out and see if she would initiate a conversation, which he hoped that she would, considering their conversation the day before.

"What's up?"

"Roster." Eddie rolled his eyes. He really hated that guy.

"What happened? Did he call? Did he show up after I left? I swear to God, I'm going…"

"He's dead Eddie." Eddie was momentarily stunned.

"Huh?"

"Roster is dead. He committed suicide." Eddie took a minute to study Janet before he responded.

"It's not your fault Janet."

"Yes it was." Janet pulled out the letter Roster wrote to her and slid it across the table. "This proves it."

"A letter? He wrote you a letter?"

"He did."

"May I?" She nodded and Eddie slowly opened the letter.

Dear Janet,

If you are ready this letter then I am no longer alive. The night that we made love; I don't regret it and I never will. It was the best night of my life. It was magical but apparently it wasn't magical for you. I have loved you, and not as a friend, for so long and I know that we could have been great together but you wouldn't even give us a chance. What do you see in that moron Latekka? What can he offer you that I can't? I know you better than he ever will. You know where you stand in my life. Can you say the same about Eddie? Do you know where you stand in his life? Will you ever feel comfortable in his life? I don't think that you will.

Maybe I could deal with the fact that you are with Eddie if you were still my friend but you took our friendship away and I can't live with that. We have been friends since we were ten years old. You have been a constant presence in my life and this last year, since you walked out of my life has been the loneliest of my life and I can't continue to endure the loneliness.

I wrote this to say goodbye. I can't continue to live without my best friend. I can't stand to see Eddie with his hands on you. I can't stand to see with your hands on him. You are the best person that I know Janet. Eddie doesn't deserve you. You are too good for him. I can't stand by and watch him break your heart again because it will happen. You deserve to be happy and I know that you could have been happy with me. I'm sorry that we will never know what we could have been.

Thank you for being my best friend. Please don't ever forget me. I love you.

Roster

Eddie was tempted to crumple the letter up and burn it. If Roster wasn't already dead, he would go kill him for writing such a letter. Who does that? Eddie shook his head in disgust and handed the letter back to Janet who by this time had tears running down her face.

"See it's my fault that he is dead." She stood and went into the house. Eddie followed her and found her in the living room.

"Roster's suicide is not your fault sweetheart." He told her as he sat next to her on the couch that had seen its fair share of tears and heartache.

"Did you read the letter or just skim through it? The letter clearly states that Roster killed himself because of me."

"This letter is bullshit Janet. Total bullshit."

"No it's not bullshit Eddie. Its how he felt. How can that be bullshit?"

"Sure, there are some feelings in there but the majority of it is crap. I don't like to speak ill of the dead but Roster was an asshole for writing you a letter like that." He reached out, wiped away her tears with his thumb and then took her free hand in his own. "This was not your fault babe. Roster, he was an obviously sick man. You cannot blame yourself." He told her softly.

"It is. I should have known." She whispered as her tears continued to fall.

"You couldn't have known."

"I knew him for years. I should have known what not being his friend anymore would do to him. I should have known." Janet's crying increased so Eddie pulled her to his chest and held her.

"There is no way you or anyone could have predicted this." She never answered him. She may not have heard him. She was just tried to get her crying under control.

"Oh God." She whispered a few minutes after she calmed herself down. She pulled her head off of Eddie's chest and looked at him with fresh tears swimming in her eyes.

"Honey?"

"Oh God." She repeated as she ran to the bathroom and a minute later, Eddie heard her vomiting. By the time he got to the bathroom he found her sitting on the floor, resting her head on the toilet lid. He sat beside her and took her hand. "He was taking a handful of pills to kill himself while we were having sex last night." She sobbed. She couldn't control it. She was overwhelmed with feelings of heartache, anger and guilt and the only thing she could do was cry and frankly, it infuriated Eddie that Roster had made Janet feel like that.

"Look at me." Eddie demanded sternly and Janet slowly lifted her head and looked at him. "DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT feel guilty for making love last night. You didn't know what was going to happen."

"But I should…"

"Knock it off. " Janet glared at him but he continued. "Did he call you and tell you that he was going to swallow a handful of pills?" She shook her head. "Then there is no way that you could have known. There was nothing that you could have done to stop him Janet."

"Why Eddie? Why?"

"He was sick honey."

"I never wanted this to happen."

"I know sweetheart. No one did." Eddie couldn't stand the guy and even he wished things were different.

An hour later, Janet had calmed down and had come to understand, with Eddie's help that there was nothing that she could have done to save Roster but it didn't stop her from feeling guilty but now, she felt slightly less guilty and Eddie knew that it would be awhile before the guilt wore off. They were sitting on the couch, cuddling when Janet's phone rang. Janet reluctantly pulled out of Eddie's embrace to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Janet, this is Maggie Russo."

"Hi Mrs. Russo." When Eddie heard that he looked at Janet with concern.

"I'm sorry for calling you but I am planning Vincent's funeral and I have a question for you that I meant to ask you earlier. "

"Okay." Janet said uncertainly.

"Would you give a eulogy during the funeral?"

"A eulogy?" Eddie shook his head and Janet turned away from him.

"Vincent really cared for you. You were his closest friend."

"I don't know."

"Say no." Eddie whispered loudly.

"Janet it would mean so much to me and I know that Vincent would want it."

"I'll do it."

"Thank you so much. "

"You're welcome. Goodbye Mrs. Russo."

"Are you freaking kidding me Janet?" Eddie asked as she hung up the phone.

"What?"

"Did you seriously just agree to give a eulogy at Roster's funeral?"

"You heard my side of the conversation."

"Why?"

"He was my friend." She mumbled.

"Open your eyes Janet. He was not your friend." Eddie shouted. "A friend wouldn't commit suicide and blame you for his weakness in a goodbye letter. He is trying to make you doubt our relationship from the grave. A friend would see that you are happy and then support your happiness, not try to knock our relationship down a few pegs."

"Stop yelling at me." Janet yelled.

"No I won't because maybe yelling is the only way that you will freaking hear me." He shouted back. Roster is not your friend. He stopped being your friend the night that you two slept together. For crying out loud, with his dying breath he says that he didn't regret that night, the night that ruined your friendship with him and our relationship. If you weren't with him, if you didn't love him in return then he wasn't happy and in turn your friend didn't want you to be happy. He wasn't your friend Janet. He was a selfish bastard."

"Shut up." She screamed. "He is dead for God's sake."

"Call her back." Eddie lowered his voice. "Call her back and tell her that you aren't doing it."

"Who in the hell do you think you are telling me what to do? I am a grown woman who is capable of making my own decisions. You cannot tell me what to do."

"You don't have the best track record when it comes to making decisions do you Janet?" She flinched upon hearing his words and Eddie instantly felt bad.

"Asshole." She muttered.

"Fine. I'm not telling you; I'm asking you not to give the eulogy. He doesn't deserve it."

"No." The two of them stood in the middle of the living room, glaring at each other.

"Why Janet? Tell me why?"

"He was my friend."

"Was Janet. He WAS your friend. You haven't been friends for a year. You don't get eulogies for people that aren't your friends." He sighed. "I'm outta here." He told her.

"I think that's an excellent idea." Eddie walked away from Janet, grabbed his keys and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

It was eleven o'clock and Eddie was in his room, on his bed thinking about Janet. The television was on but Eddie wasn't watching it. He hadn't heard from Janet in hours, not since he stormed out of her house. He was mad, she was mad but they needed to talk. He couldn't go to sleep without at least attempting to work this out. Just as he picked up his cell phone his bedroom door opened.

"Dammit Phyz. You just can't..." Eddie didn't finish his sentence because it wasn't Phil that barged into his room, unannounced. It was Janet. "I was just getting ready to call you."

"I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. I didn't want to go to sleep being angry."

"Same here. That's why I was calling you. Come sit with me." He scooted over and Janet took the spot that he had vacated.

"I'm sorry." They both said at the same time.

"You first." Eddie offered.

"You were right. I'm not giving the eulogy."

"You're not?" Eddie was surprised.

"After you left I thought about what you had said; mainly about the fact that Roster and I weren't friends and you were right. We hadn't been friends for a long time and because of that I shouldn't be the one to give the eulogy. I just couldn't see that through my guilt and grief."

"Did you tell Roster's mom?"

"I did."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that I wasn't comfortable speaking in front of crowds."

"You lied?" Eddie raised his eyebrows.

"I'm really not a huge fan of public speaking so technically I didn't lie. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. She just lost her son and she thinks that he had a best friend that cared for him, that loved him. Her heart is already broken and I couldn't break it anymore by telling her the truth. She doesn't deserve that. She needs to remember her son happy, not alone and miserable."

"You are a wonderful woman Janet."

"I talked Sully into giving the eulogy."

"That man has a soft spot for you." Janet smiled softly at him.

"Are you going to the funeral?"

"I am. Will you go with me?" He shook his head.

"I'm sorry but I can't. I don't like Roster. I never did and I like him even less now than I did before. I can't go to his funeral, pretending otherwise. His family doesn't deserve that."

"I understand." And she did. She wished that he would go with her because his support would really be nice but she understood why he wouldn't go and she didn't blame him.

"Okay now it's my turn. I'm sorry babe. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"No you shouldn't have."

"You just infuriate me some times. I know that you are hurting because of Roster's death and you should hurt because you guys had a relationship for years and what he did to you while he was alive was bad enough but what he wrote in his letter that was ridiculous. He was sabotaging our relationship, making you doubt what we have and he blamed you for his suicide and the fact that you were willing to say good things about him at his funeral, it pushed me over the edge and for that I am very sorry."

"You're wrong." She told him.

"I am?"

"That letter didn't sabotage anything. He didn't make me doubt our relationship. I know exactly where I stand in your life and I am confident in your feelings for me. I know, without a doubt that you love me and I hope that you know that I love you just as much."

"I know that and I should have had more faith in you."

"A few months ago, that letter would have affected our relationship. I would have had doubts about us but I'm stronger than I used to be."

"I can see that." He said proudly. "His letter didn't affect you but you blame yourself for his death don't you?"

"I do and no matter what you say I will always blame myself. I know that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I know and understand that now but Eddie he took those pills because I ended our friendship. Sure, I stopped talking to him after we slept together but I didn't officially end our friendship until yesterday and when I told him that we could no longer be friends, it sent him over the edge. Do I regret that I ended our friendship, no but I regret what it caused?"

"Babe…"

"If I wouldn't have told Roster that we were no longer friends then he never would have swallowed those pills. It's that simple. I blame myself but I don't feel guilty. I had to do what needed to be done because it was best for me and there was no way I could have predicted the outcome."

"I see where you are coming from and I agree with what you just said but I don't agree with the fact that you blame yourself. If you would have shoved the pills down his throat and forced him to swallow them, then yeah, you could blame yourself but you didn't Janet. Roster made the choice to swallow the pills. You can't blame yourself sweetheart." Eddie sighed. "But like you said, no matter what I say, you're going to blame yourself. You I know how you feel and you know how I feel and I'm not going to bring it up again. I don't want to argue with you about it so from this point on, I'm not going to bring it up. This will be one of those things that we will agree to disagree on."

"I appreciate that."

"There is something else that I need to apologize for." He took her hand in his own. "I'm sorry for what I said about how you don't make the best decisions. I know I hurt you with that comment."

"You did. Are you going to bring up my past, my bad decisions every time we have a fight because that won't work for me? You told me that the past was just that, the past and it would stay there but during our first fight you bring up the past. That was so not cool Latekka."

"I wasn't thinking. I was just so mad that I didn't think and said whatever popped into my head."

"Is that going to happen every time we fight?"

"Never again. If we fight again, I'm going to think before I speak, no matter how mad you make me."

"How mad I make you? What about how mad you make me?" Eddie grinned and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Do you forgive me?" Janet reached up and cupped his cheek.

"Yes Eddie. I forgive you."

"Thank God." Eddie turned his head and the two of them shared a slow, sweet kiss.

"I hate fighting with you. Let's not do it anymore." Janet mumbled as Eddie's placed kisses over her face.

"I don't like fighting with you either but now…"Janet pulled back.

"Now what?"

"Protocol states that after a fight and both parties make up then make up sex follows to officially end the fight."

"I don't want to mess with protocol."

"I was hoping you would say that." Eddie pulled away and went and locked his bedroom door. "I love you." He said returning to the bed.

"I love you too." Eddie leaned forward and began to kiss her. Slowly their shirts ended up on the floor and they fell back onto the bed.

"Dammit." Eddie suddenly groaned pulling away from Janet and sitting up.

"What?" Janet asked.

"I don't have any condoms here." Janet sat up on her elbow and grinned.

"Eddie Latekka doesn't have condoms in his bedroom? What is the world coming too?"

"There hasn't been a woman in my bedroom for a very long time. In fact the last woman in here, in my bed…"

"I don't want to hear this."

"Was you and the last time you were in this bed, we weren't using condoms." Janet leaned over the bed and grabbed her purse. "Babe, it's after eleven and there aren't any stores opened." He assumed she was getting money out so he could go to the store.

"I don't want you to leave and buy condoms." She pulled a box of condoms out of her purse. "It would be a waste of money considering that you just bought a box this morning."

"You planned on having make up sex didn't you?"

"I hoped for it." Janet informed him and Eddie burst out laughing. Janet pulled him to her for a kiss and they began to officially make up from their fight.

The calling hours for Roster were scheduled for Tuesday evening. Janet had decided that she wasn't going to go to the calling hours. She didn't want to stand around, talking about what a swell guy her former friend was. She wasn't in the mood to pretend, especially in front of Roster's mom. She still had the feelings of guilt and blame but now anger was now a constant emotion and she knew she couldn't pretend to feel grief when all she felt was anger.

Since she was scheduled to work Tuesday night and her shift was over at the same time as the calling hours so that fact helped with the decision not to attend the calling hours but as the day wore on she began to second guess her decision. There was a part of her that wanted to see him, confront his lifeless body, even though it would do no good, and by the end of her shift, she decided to stop at the funeral home.

"I'm sorry ma'am. The Russo calling hours are over." Janet left work a little early but still arrived at the funeral home ten minutes after the calling hours had ended.

"I know but I was working and got here as quickly as I could. Please, I just need a couple of minutes."

"Five minutes."

"Thank you." He led her to the room where Roster's body was. Janet slowly walked over to the casket.

"Oh Roster. What did you do? Why did you do this? You were so young. You had your whole life in front of you. Why did you end it? Do you know that you broke your mother's heart? Did you think of anyone but yourself when you swallowed those pills? No you didn't because if you did, then you wouldn't be lying here right now. I can't believe that I never saw how selfish you were." Janet wiped away the tears that were falling. "I thought you were my friend and maybe we were friends when we were younger and there were no other guys interested in me but when Eddie began to show interest in me, you changed. You tried to ruin my relationship with and you succeed for almost a year. Why couldn't you just let me be happy? Why couldn't you be happy for me? My friend would have been happy for me. I'm sorry Roster. I'm sorry that I let you down. We had some great times a long time ago. I will remember those times when I think of you and not the last year. I hope you found peace." Janet turned away and started to walk away but when she got to the door she turned around and returned to the casket.

"How dare you blame me for your suicide Roster? There is a part of me that wants to apologize for not returning your feelings but I won't. We can't control who we fall in love with and I fell in love with Eddie Latekka and I refuse to feel guilty or apologize for it. You could have just moved on and found someone else to love but you had to go and kill yourself and in the process blame me and try to make me doubt my relationship. What in the hell was the point of that? If it would have worked out like you had hoped and Eddie and I would have broken up you wouldn't be here to reap the benefits because you are dead so why?" Janet sighed in frustration. "Just so you know, it didn't work. Eddie and I are still together. You didn't ruin our relationship so it was all for nothing. Goodbye Roster." This time when she turned around she kept walking.

Once she got to her jeep her tears came hard and fast. She was confused, hurt, grieving and she was angry. She didn't want to be alone so she drove over to her boyfriend's house. She knew just being with him would help her feel better.

"Hey Phil." Janet greeted when he opened the door.

"Hey Janet. Come on in." Janet stepped into the house. "I'm sorry about Roster."

"Thanks." She wasn't sure what else to say.

"Eddie is upstairs. It looks like you need him."

"I do and thanks." Janet walked upstairs and into Eddie's room. She briefly considered knocking first but she was his girlfriend and didn't have to knock. When she opened the door and walked in she found Eddie stretched out on his bed. He jumped when the door opened.

"Janet, babe, what are you doing here? What's wrong?" He looked shocked to see her and Janet reconsidered just showing up.

"Maybe I should have called but I…I…didn't want to be alone."

"You don't ever have to call before coming over."

"Can I stay the night?" She whispered softly.

"Absolutely." Janet dropped her purse on the floor and began to strip out of her work clothes.

"Did you go to calling hours?" Eddie knew Roster's calling hours were tonight.

"I did. I thought that it would help me feel better." She opened his dresser and pulled out one of his tee-shirts and slipped it over her head.

"No it didn't. I shouldn't have gone." She climbed into bed next to Eddie. She laid her head on his chest and he wrapped an arm around her.

"Why did you go?"

"I thought…hell; I don't know what I thought. I shouldn't have gone."

"I'm sorry babe."

"Can you just hold me tonight?"

"I can do that."

"Hey sweetheart. Time to wake up." Eddie was sitting on the edge of the bed, gently shaking his girlfriend awake the day of Roster's funeral. Janet's eyes fluttered opened and Eddie kissed her softly.

"Morning."

"How did you sleep?"

"Like a log."

"You didn't move at all." Janet slowly sat up.

"What time is it?" Janet just noticed what Eddie was wearing. "And why in the hell are you wearing a tie?"

"I'm going to the funeral with you."

"Why? Is it because I was upset last night?"

"I decided before you walked in here last night that I was going with you. Seeing you upset just confirmed that I made the right decision."

"Why?"

"Because you need me there."

"Thank you."

"Come on. We need to get you home so you can get ready." Eddie pulled her out of bed and she hugged him tightly.

"Thank you." She repeated.

"You are welcome."