AN.. WARNING: This chapter holds a fairly graphic

description of rape. It is not meant to be superfluous.

It is there for good reason. I do not want anyone to think

that I take the subject of rape lightly. I actually know from

personal experience how truly devastating it is. I put this

into the story for character development. If the idea of

reading about a rape is offensive to you, please feel free

to PM me, and I will send you a VERY abridged version

of the chapter so that you can get the essence of it's

importance to the chapter and story without having to

read any details.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, SM's characters are my playmates.

~UUaAP~

Chapter 14

Sharing the Darkest of Memories

Edward led me to the garage, and asked if I would like to go for a ride. I agreed. It would be nice to get away from reality for a little while. Edward opened his car door for me, and closed it after I got settled in. I was not used to such chivalry. Men didn't do those things anymore, and I found it flattering. Sam had never bothered to hold doors for me, and I had never missed it until now. Edward was so different than any other man I had ever known, and not just because he was a vampire.

"What year were you born?" I asked, surprised at myself for not having thought to ask sooner.

"I was born June 20th, 1901."

"Wow!" I breathed. "No wonder your manners are so old fashioned."

"Do you object?" he asked teasingly. I knew that he had heard what I was thinking as he helped me into the car, so I knew that he already knew how much I actually liked it.

"I should be offended, after all, these are the days of quality, but I am not. I mean, I certainly don't want you to treat me like some sort of glass object, but I kind of like the attention that comes with those manners!"

"Aren't you like glass, though? Breakable?"

"Breakable? Edward, what the hell are you talking about? Breakable?"

"I know that you heal quickly, but that does not mean that you are not breakable."

Suddenly everything from this morning made sense. I understood his refusal to ever have a physical relationship. I had to explain how I knew that he had nothing to fear. How could I do it without opening a carefully guarded chapter of my life? maybe I could tell him part of it. I tried to evaluate this without actually planning it. Easier said than done.

"I am so much tougher than you know! Have you ever actually fought with one of our kind?"

"Well, I sparred with Sam and Jacob last night, but.."

"Sparred. I asked if you have actually fought with any of our kind."

"No, and I hope that I never have to!"

"I helped to take down one of your kind a couple of months after I first phased. There was a loner in the woods stalking a group of hikers. Paul and I were out on patrol and come across his scent. In the attack, he managed to hit me several times. It was my first actual encounter with a vampire. He threw me against a tree too. I barely felt anything And when I got home, there was not even a bruise."

"You were in wolf form, Leah. You know you are stronger and harder to do damage to in that form."

"Okay… uh." I was about to tell Edward something that no one had ever been told. Something I had somehow managed to keep from the pack. I was so scared to reveal it, but I felt he had the right to know everything about me, even the things that I would rather forget. If we were going to be in a relationship, he was right, absolute honesty had to be at its core. "I lied. Paul was not with me. I was trying to sneak away. They were in a council meeting, and I told everyone that I was not feeling well, and was going to lie down." From there, I just allowed the memory of the night to unfold, so that Edward could see for himself just how unbreakable I was.

I was running full-tilt through the forest, trying to get some real distance on the pack before the meeting's end. I was so concentrated on my speed that I didn't notice the stench before I slammed into the vampire. It felt like running headlong into granite.

After shaking off my surprise, I crouched low, growling, trying to see where the vampire had gone. I noticed movement to my left, and turned as he charged at me. In that moment, it dawned on me that I was all alone, with no one there to guard my flanks. I was so overcome by fear that my wolf self could not contain it, and I phased involuntarily. (An apparent pattern, but I digress…)

The vampire stopped in his attack to look me over. I tried desperately to phase, but the fear was overwhelming. I was shaking all over, and trying to cover myself.

"Well, well! What have we here?" the vampire sneered. He looked at me with his crimson eyes, and walked in a circle around me as if appraising merchandise. "I had heard that there were wolves nearby, but I have never seen a female before!"

"Go away!" I tried to sound brave.

"Look at you, little one! You are shaking like a leaf!" he said soothingly.

I cleared my throat and tried to calm myself, but his red eyes held me, and I was drowning in my terror.

"You really are quite a lovely specimen!" he leered, reaching for my hands that were covering my breasts. He managed to spread my arms, and flatten me to the ground, his face mere inches from my own.

"Please! Get off me, let me go!" I sobbed.

"Oh, pretty little girl! I fully intend to get off, don't you worry your sweet head."

"No, please!" I pleaded in a tiny voice. I could hardly breathe with the weight of him pressing me down.

His shoved his knees between mine, and forced my legs open, and I screamed in horror. He was stronger than I could be in human form, and I knew what he was about to do. I was locked inside the despair that had led me here in the first place.

He locked my hands up over my head with one hand, and reached to undo his pants with the other. I felt completely powerless as he assaulted me. It was like my mind had shut down. I could feel him shoving his hands between my legs, and his mouth against my breasts, but all that really registered for me was his red eyes, gloating in triumph that never left mine. I was too afraid to even think to close my eyes.

It wasn't until he forced his way inside me, and closed his eyes in what I assume was pleasure that I finally snapped. Anger came raging to the surface. I phased with him still slamming himself into me. It wasn't until he opened his eyes that it registered that he was now raping a wolf. Apparently he didn't care, because he tried to finish, not realizing that it he already was... finished. I tore his head off in one bite.

When I finally wriggled out from under him, I ran as fast as I could to the nearest river, and jumped right in. I phased back while in the water, desperately trying to wash the stench and memory off of me. When I finally left the water, I took stock of my body. I had fading bruises on my wrists, breasts, and thighs, and I was definitely sore between my legs, but nothing appeared to have been broken despite how hard he had taken me.

I steeled myself, determined not to ever be so frightened again that I would be vulnerable to such a horrible fate. I knew then that no matter how horrible it was to have to relive my nightmare of Sam and Emily every day, it was better to have someone guarding my flanks if I should ever stumble across another filthy blood-sucking demon. And, I was just as determined that I would never again think of the events of this unspeakable night. No one could know. Not ever.

As the memory of the evening came to a close, I noticed that Edward had pulled the car to a stop beside the road. He was facing me with burning eyes, shaking his head in horror. He reached for me, pulling me to his chest and promising me that I would never face see such a day again. I stubbornly refused to cry. I would not shed a tear becasue of that unimaginable bastard that had tried to break me.

"You see, Edward? I am most certainly not breakable. I lived to tell the tale of a vampire rape while I was yet in human form. My body is far more resilient than you give credit for." I pulled out of his arms, and raised my chin, daring him to defy that logic.

"Why did you never tell anyone?"

I laughed without humor. "Have you ever known a rape victim?"

"Yes, actually I have." He said, his brows furrowed.

"Does she talk about it?" I asked archly.

He looked like he was considering whether or not it had been discussed.

"Not really, no. She has never brought it up." He seemed surprised at the realization.

"How did you find out?" I asked him flatly.

"Carlisle found her afterwards. She was nearly dead from what those vile men did to her. Her physical condition was so poor that the only way to save her was to change her."

"Did it even occur to Carlisle that she may rather have died?" I asked incredulously.

"Not until after the change was complete, and we knew more about the circumstances."

I shook my head. I could not believe the arrogance and stupidity surrounding such a situation.

"You mean to tell me that he chose to 'save' a girl who had just been violated and very nearly killed by putting her through the torture of that kind of change?" I seethed. "I thought that Carlisle was humane!"

"He is!" Edward defended blindly. "Once we knew, and I saw exactly what had happened to her, and by whom, it was too late. He thought he was doing the right thing, I assure you! Even Rose doesn't blame him for the decision anymore!"

I froze. It was Rose. He was talking about Rose, the beautiful, wonderful woman that I had spent the latter half of the morning with. I shook my head in disbelief. Maybe there were some things that I needed to talk to her about. Maybe she could give me advice about getting beyond the fury, and disgust.

"It was Rose" I whispered. A single tear escaped, and fell down my cheek.

"Yes, it was Rose. She has only spoken of it once that I am aware of. She rarely visits that place in her memories anymore."

"It is my understanding that rape victims rarely talk about it. I would not have shared with you if I had any other way to explain to you how un-breakable I truly am."

Edward stared at me silently for a long while. I pushed the memories of that night back away into their little vault, and turned the mental key. He shook his head in awe, and his eyes went wide as I forced it all back into submission to my will.

"How did you do that? It is amazing! How did you create such a vault in your mind?" he asked me in a whisper.

"I don't know. I just have this thing that I do. When I don't want to think about something terrible, I lock it up. I always have. Nightmares as a child, my first kiss, things I didn't want to think about, I forced out. When I forced…that" I shuddered, "out, other things that I had once suppressed came back to me. Things that were so tame by comparison that I didn't even notice them."

"So, you have within you the ability to hide information, and keep it from me. Just like Bella. You have a steel trap within your mind. Bella's mind is a steel trap. Bella must live her whole life inside that protection." He mused.

I wasn't sure if I was upset about that observation or not. While I could certainly understand him drawing such a correlation, I really thought that the timing was off. Everything reminded him of her. She had been such a part of his life that it was difficult for him to extricate himself from the connection. I couldn't blame him, and even though this was only our third day together, so much had occurred that I could not help but worry that he would never fully be able to give his heart to me. Bella would always own a piece of it, and while I had also learned to love Bella in the last few days, I was jealous of that connection. I couldn't help but wonder in that moment if it was fully the fact that he considered me "breakable" that made him afraid of the possibility of a physical relationship, or if it was really because of whatever memories he cherished of whatever physical relationship they had managed.

Edward reached over, and tucked his finger under my chin, turning and lifting my head towards him. Look at me.

No.

Please, Leah. Look at me.

I can't.

He leaned towards me, and brushed his lips against mine once, twice, a third time.

Look at me, Leah.

I finally complied. I looked into his eyes, which were tender, and filled with earnesty. He kissed me tenderly, then rested his forehead against mine.

Bella and I never shared anything more intimate physically than we have just now.

I was shocked beyond words. I doubt that Edward was able to hear a coherent thought from me on the heels of that admission. It took a moment to get a grip on what he had told me.

You were together for over a year, and you are telling me that nothing happened? NOTHING?

He shrugged. Really, nothing happened. It made life difficult for both of us. I know that she wanted more, but I could not allow more to happen between us. I could so easily have done serious damage to her. Sometimes I think she thought I didn't want her, though. I want to make it clear to you right now, so that you never have to doubt. You are a very desirable woman. I am extremely attracted to you. Some day we may come to a point of attempting a physical relationship, but I don't want you wondering between that time and this. If it weren't for my own beliefs about morality, and the fact that I am so very afraid of doing physical harm to you, I would have made your dream a reality last night.

My heart skipped a few beats, and my breath caught I my throat. The sincerity in his voice and eyes as he spoke was almost tangible. I had butterflies in my stomach. Edward wanted me. Edward was telling me that he had feelings for me beyond friendship, and had just hinted at a future together. I was elated. Who would have thought sharing the darkest moment of my life would end in my complete and utter happiness? Certainly not me.

Edward kissed me once again, and held me close for a moment before shifting in his seat to face the road.

"Sorry, sweet girl. I meant to get you away from town. I thought to take you to dinner. It appears time has slipped away on us."

"It's okay, handsome. It's not like you planned on me spilling my guts to you like that."

"Will you do me the extreme honor of accompanying me to dinner tomorrow night? You know, for an official date?"

I blushed and smiled. "I would love to, Edward."

~UUaAP~

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