"Come on." Rose impatiently pulled the little girl behind her.
"Rosie, where are we going?" Charlotte pleaded. "I'm tired, I just want to go back to the house"
"We're playing a game." Rose tried to entice the child along.
The little girls eyes brightened "What game?"
"Hide and seek."
"I hate Hide and Seek, lets play dolls instead." Charlotte held out her favourite Christmas present, a doll from Uncle Alex
"No I'm not playing with your stupid doll." Rose snatched it from the child.
Charlotte's bottom lip trembled. Rose felt bad, softened her tone, kneeled down at the little girls height. "Sorry Char," She handed the doll back "Its just that this is a really special game, and I really want you to play. "
"What's so special about it?"
"It's kids versus adults, and we have to show them that we're smarter than they are."
Charlotte considered this. Rose went on "So you hide ok, I'll show you the best place. Don't come out til I tell you. They'll call you , try to trick you, but you have to stay hiding, ok? Quiet as a little mouse?"
It did sound like fun Charlotte agreed, and she couldn't help but go along with anything the older girl asked of her.
Rose hid her delight as she watched the others frantically search for the missing child, quickly she observed they turned on one another.
"Rose, Where is Charlotte?" Tess confronted her aggressively, accusingly, or just plain desperately.
"I don't know " Rose answered sweetly "She was with you."
"That's not good enough, She is only young you need to keep a closer eye on her!" Tess yelled at Rose.
Stevie stepped in quickly to defend her daughter. "Rose isn't responsible for Charlotte's well being, she is a child herself." Stevie said gently, placing a protective hand on Roses shoulder. Rose shuddered at the gesture, and pulled away, refusing to meet Stevie's gaze.
"Actually" Rose went on "I did see Charlotte last with Aunty Stevie, sitting on the veranda right over there." Rose pointed to the place she had watched Charlotte sitting on Stevie's lap minutes earlier.
Tess turned her accusation to Stevie "It's not like Charlotte to just walk off."
"How would you know?" Rose muttered under her breath.
"..Something must have happened. Why didn't you pay more attention" Tess continued. They all turned to Stevie now. She was visibly nervous "Charlotte was sitting with me yes, then She told me she was going to see Tess."
"She hasn't been near me all day, you made sure of that." Tess responded bitterly. "Now where is she, you must have noticed something"
"She was sitting with me, and then left to go see you. She wasn't even ten metres from you. " Stevie repeated and then grew defensive "Look she's not my niece, I didn't realise she was my sole responsibility, maybe you should have been watching her 'more closely' yourself Tess."
"That is just like you Stevie, Nothing is ever your responsibility is it? " Tess challenged.
Stevie felt cold. The ice in her daughters gaze, in Tess voice, it froze her heart. These were people she loved more dearly than life itself. She felt she would fall to the ground, her legs would give way underneath her. How could anyone stand at all under so much condemnation?
Just as she thought she couldn't take it a moment longer, Alex stepped in, his hand on Stevie's shoulder- in a similar gesture to the way she had touched Rose moments ago. Alex knew his attempt at comfort, reassurance, support, might be thrown back at him, much the way Rose had done to Stevie. But he needed to do it anyway,
"Look it's no ones fault, and all this isn't helping. We already searched the house and immediate area, we need to split up." The calm in his voice sounded unnatural even to him, and it didn't match with his inner thought, panic about Charlotte, unresolved tension between him and Stevie, confused mess of his mind from too many drinks. But someone needed to take charge.
" Tess you and Nick go west, Kate and Jodi take the north, Regan and Rose take the, search the cottage, shearers quarters." They all began to disperse and he turned lastly to Stevie, quietly "Come with me." He said softly, an order or an invitation. The others were too preoccupied or too far away to note the tenderness in his voice. He needed to be the one with Stevie, to shield her from the others, from her own thoughts he knew tormented and condemned her.
She followed like a child, trying hard to keep her mind focused- It was Charlotte that mattered now. Not Rose, Tess, not Alex.
He walked quickly ahead of her, his legs longer, and he thought of slowing the pace, but he knew she was more than capable of keeping up if she had wanted to. She felt somehow safer behind him. He wanted to take her hand, but he was afraid it would only cause her to pull away. So he satisfied himself listening to the dry ground crunch under her feet as she walked behind him, he could smell her, feel her. Feel this great brokenness. He wanted so desperately to make her whole, for her to make him whole, to fill the void in each other that seemed to grow larger each day.
He called Charlotte's name loudly, almost angrily. Had she really just wandered off? It wasn't like her, Tess was right. But at least this was a simple problem. She was lost- he would find her. She was a smart kid. This wasn't like when she had gone missing as a toddler. She was older, had more sense, she would be ok. But he knew that in Stevie's mind she was reliving the horror of that day, the guilt.
He realised they would find Charlotte, he just knew it. He wasn't so sure he and Stevie would ever resolve their issues. He didn't know where to begin. Guiltily he relished this chance to be close to her, to be part of something with her.
As they walked, he noticed suddenly he could no longer hear her soft footsteps behind him. He turned to face her, wondering why she had stopped so suddenly.
"What?" He asked.
She said nothing, only looked at him with a helpless expression.
"Come on." He said. "We need to keep moving." He reached forward to take her hand.
She pulled away suddenly, not able to stand him being so close. "Don't touch me." She screamed.
"Come on Stevie, Don't pay attention to Tess, She didn't mean any of that, Ignore her." He tried his best to reassure her.
"But she's right."
"Well it doesn't matter right now, Lets just find Charlotte ok?" He answered, not knowing what to say anymore.
"You go." She told him "I'll go up round the creek. Meet you back at the house." Suddenly she needed more than anything to have space, just to be on her own away from everyone. He didn't need her by his side to search for Charlotte. In fact it would be quicker if they split up. She didn't wait for an answer as she turned and headed towards the creek.
"Wait." He called "We need to stick together." He didn't like the idea of her going off alone, partly because he was worried about her, partly because he was enjoying having her so close.
She ignored him, he followed, grabbing her from behind.
"Don't touch me!" She screamed. "Let me go!"
"Not until you listen to me, Right?!" He shouted back, trying desperately to get through to her, believing that somehow if he raised his voice loud enough, she was sure to get it.
Charlotte had been hiding in the bushes where Rose told her to, quiet as a mouse. She watched Alex and Stevie as they came through the path, calling her name. She did what Rose told her, ignored them calling and sat silently. She leaned her head forward trying to hear what they were talking about. The voices were muffled in the breeze. It was only Stevie's last shouted words she heard and it prompted her to move from her hiding spot.
"Stop it! Stop fighting!" She yelled at the two adults who turned around to face her, stunned.
~~ Rose was incredibly pleased with herself. So what the brat had told everyone it was her idea, they had been angry , it had been worth it Still. This wasn't he family, wasn't her Christmas. Charlotte was never in any danger, so what were they all so uptight and freaked out about?
Rose was happy with the outcome of her scheme, or thought she was. As she walked along the property she caught the glimmer of red hair in the sunshine – her aunty. The one who made all this happened. Rose hated her, the way she tried to pretend to be nice, pretended to care about anything. How had Rose ever been so young or so foolish, to admire her, revere her.
Rose silently followed behind her Aunt, realising that Stevie was crying. She smiled to herself thinking that she probably caused those tears. She wasn't sure how exactly, had it been confronting her about her Grandfathers death, or accusing her of being neglectful caring for Charlotte. It didn't matter. Aunty Stevie deserved to suffer. Rose concentrated on being silent and un noticed as she followed behind her aunt. She hadn't realised what was happening at first.
Stevie came to a stop at the hay shed. Great, Rose thought, boring farm work. Rose hid in the bushes and watched as Stevie went inside. Through the window Rose observed as Stevie climbed the creaking stairs. Stevie disappeared from Rose's sight for a moment, and then appeared on the roof top of the two story shed. Rose heard the clinking of footsteps on the old tin roof, and wondered for a moment if Stevie might fall right through. It made her smile to imagine it.
What on earth was she doing up there? Rose squinted into the sunlight shielding her eyes from the bright light, she stepped closer to the shed, out from her hiding place behind the bushes. Her aunt was facing away, and Rose felt safe to move round the corner of the building. She came to a fence line, beyond it a steep drop down a rocky ledge. She looked up to the roof top and observed her aunt walking along the roof, right to the very edge overlooking the steep valley. She watched as her aunt climbed the small rail that fenced the perimeter of the roof top, and Stood tentatively dangling one foot over the edge, looking down at the steep incline before her.
That when rose realised it- she was going to jump.
Rose knew her Aunty Stevie had always been unstable. Michelle told her that many times. But to jump? Those sad eyes flashed before her, well why shouldn't she jump? She had a pathetic life, no kids, no husband, no education, she had killed her own father, was estranged from her mother, disowned by her own family. What was left to live for?
Rose stood, eyes glued to the figure on the roof top. She felt the world spinning around her. She herself it was ok, Stevie deserved it. Isn't it what she wanted? Who would care anyway? She willed herself to turn and walk away, it wasn't her problem.
But bile rose in her throat, her stomach clenched. Hands shaking she remembered her aunty Stevie as she had known and loved her. Holding her as a little girl, reading to her singing to her, teaching her to ride,
She looked up, couldn't see face, Stevie was facing away, so high up, reflected sunlight on tin obscured her view, Rose shifted her gaze to the sudden steep drop, into the rocky valley. That would hurt. Isn't that what she had wanted? She looked back up confused. Stevie was standing still, like death. It looked like she had already stopped breathing, like she wasn't real, a statue. The only movement was her red gold hair in the breeze.
What was Auntie Stevie thinking, what was she doing, wouldn't she die if she jumped or just get hurt? Would anyone even know she was there?
Rose couldn't stand and watch no matter if Stevie had done the same for her grandfather, Rose just didn't have it in her. Rose called out, her voice sounding childlike and afraid to her own ears. She despised the sound, telling herself she was neither. The was no movement. Had Stevie heart the timid voice? Rose called louder, but just as frightened and small.
"Aunty Stevie?" It was a question not a statement. It meant 'what are you doing? Can you hear me? Who are you? Still my favourite Aunty? Or some kind of cold blooded monster? Some kind of crazy person throwing yourself off a roof? '
Stevie's head snapped and turned down. Rose wished she could see eyes, hear her voice. But it was too far up, the sun too bright. How could she make sense of any of this?
They stood, mother and daughter, in stunned horrified silence. Mutually uncomfortable and uncertain. Rose's eyes quickly darted to the door to the shed, and then back to her Aunt on the roof top. Rose wondered, if she went inside to climb the stairs to the roof, Would Stevie have jumped by the time she got there? She didn't think so. Didn't think even Stevie would do something like that in front of a teenage girl. But she didn't know her Aunt anymore.
Stevie rubbed her forehead with her hand, shifting her feet uncomfortably. What had she done? She knew she had to get it together, she had no choice. She couldn't stand here looking down at her little girl. She was the adult, the responsible one.
"Go back to the BBQ Rose" Stevie shouted down. Not wanting to go down herself, not wanting Rose to see her so messed up, not wanting to give Rose another chance to stick the knife in.
"Come down " Rose asked her.
How could she deny her daughter anything ? But how could she let Rose see her like this?
She stood unsure, And Rose mirrored her, looking to her for leads, for answers. She had none.
Stevie stepped away from the edge of the roof, safely into the centre, sneaking a quick look back over her shoulder to that ledge. That escape. She still longed for it.
Rose relaxed. Somehow the panic seemed over now. Had she imagined it all? She wanted to turn and walk, It wasn't her damn problem. Fuck Aunty Stevie. But Rose felt her boots were nailed to the ground, She couldn't move. She had only one option. If Stevie wouldn't come down, she would go up.
Slowly she walked , wordlessly, away from the spot she stood looking up at her Aunt. Stevie sighed in relief until she realised rose was heading towards the doorway, into the shed. Stevie looked back to her ledge, freedom, escape, peace. She couldn't stand Rose to see her like this. But she could hardly jump right in front of the poor kid.
"Go back" Stevie said forcefully, harshly, feeling guilty as the sounds escaped her mouth.
"I'm lost" Rose said finally "Show me the way back."
Stevie knew Rose was lying, but she sounded so small, so vulnerable, that Stevie couldn't leave her there.
Stevie took a breath, Somehow this was an answer. She could take charge, this was a normal situation, some thing she could deal with.
."Right, follow me" Stevie shouted down, making her way down the stairs to her daughter waiting below.