AN:Um. I know that it's been *blushes profusely, hangs head in shame* a year since I updated this story. I guess I got way too sidetracked by my other story, Shadowdancing, to keep up with this one. Shadowdancing even got finished first... But I'm here to make amends... I finished Elena's Anger. Finally...
Thank you, Shadowfaxangel, for faithfully seeing this through with me!
And so, if any of you are actually still out there to read this... Enjoy!
Dear Diary,
Stefan is not talking to me. In fact, I can't even seem to find him. But we will have to talk, at one point or another. Things can't go on like this. I don't want to go on like this. He's definitely in denial, but I can relate to that. It seems I've been there, done that, too.
I've thought about it long and hard. I know I had to make a choice, because, as Damon told me, I'm not Katherine. And I'm finally beginning to believe it. It wouldn't be fair to either one of them, nor would it be fair to myself.
So, here's the thing.
Stefan always made me feel safe. He's my security blanket, just like Katherine said. The loss of my parents was still very new when I met Stefan. I needed his kind of safety, his brand of comfort. I wanted to be loved by someone who wouldn't leave me, someone who wouldn't die. It all happened so fast… maybe too fast? We met, we talked, it was epic. We skipped the part where we really got to know each other, where we became friends. Instead, we immediately (s)tumbled into love…
But this girl that fell in love with Stefan, the girl that Stefan fell in love with... She doesn't exist anymore…
Because we've changed. Both of us.
I think Stefan is finally coming to realize that he may have loved Katherine all along. And I think she loves him, although she does have a funny way of showing it...
And me... I guess I've realized that there are no safe places; there's no comfort in immortality as such. There's no guarantee that even an immortal lover might not leave me for someone else. That's life. And I've decided that I want to live my life to the fullest. Especially if it could all end tomorrow. What better reason is there to take what I want, and take it now? I want love, yes, but I want my love to burn. I want fire, passion, ecstasy. I want to really feel alive.
And that's where Damon comes in. I never feel more alive than when I'm with Damon. Ironic, isn't it? I know he'll always protect me, yet he doesn't make me feel 'safe' or 'comfortable'. You know what I mean. Damon is my friend and I trust him, but at the same time, he makes me nervous; he makes me tremble inside. He scares me, a little. The kind of scared that has everything to do with the fire, the passion, the ecstasy that I just know will be there between us. And I want them. I want to burn. I want to live.
But how do I tell them?
Elena finally succeeded in cornering Stefan in his room two days later. He turned around quickly, his eyes darting to the door, as if he was thinking about escaping even now, so Elena ostentatiously closed the door and leaned her back to it, indicating he would have to physically remove her if he wanted to get out of that room.
Her irritation quickly faded when she considered what she had to tell him. For however much she did not want to hurt him, she was very much afraid that her words and her recent behavior would inevitably cause him pain. After all, this whole mess had been her fault to begin with. If she hadn't listened to Katherine… no! That wasn't fair and she no longer wanted to lie to herself: everything had started way before that, when she'd been so angry…
Stefan looked at Elena and wondered how he could have ever mistaken her for Katherine… The way she stood there silently staring at him, pierced his unbeating heart. She looked so heartbreakingly beautiful. It was almost enough to make him reconsider what he had to tell her… But that was not an option. He needed to confess before Damon could spill the beans. Only now that he was face to face with her, he found the words would not come.
The silence between them seemed to stretch until Elena couldn't bear it anymore, and she blurted out, "Stefan, we need to talk!"
Stefan dropped onto the bed, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees and hide his face in his hands so he wouldn't have to look at her. "Yes, Elena, I know. I was just not particularly looking forward to it..."
Elena could relate to that, but she wanted to get it over with. You couldn't just bury your head in the sand forever. Still, who was she to cast aspersions? Her head had been in the sand for a long time now…
"I came to apologize, Stefan," She said, shuffling her feet a bit. "It was a low blow, making you think I was Katherine…"
She hesitated, unsure if she wanted to fully explain herself, "I thought I had good reasons at the time, but now... I don't know what got into me."
Stefan said dejectedly, "It's okay, Elena. I know she put you up to it." Some of the fire returned to his voice when he added, "What I didn't know was that you and Katherine were such BFF's that you had to take her advice as gospel… But it doesn't matter anymore anyway…"
Elena's eyes widened with the annoyance rising inside of her, undoing her efforts to stay calm, "It doesn't matter? How can it not matter? You'd never have kissed her if I hadn't tricked you. It was Katherine's idea, yes. I just never thought you'd fall for it, hook, line and sinker!"
"Oh, so now it's my fault I got caught in your stupid game?" Stefan was getting angry as well. "Right. I forgot. My brother wasn't fooled, of course! Let's talk about that, shall we? Before you make me out to be the bad guy here!"
"I'm not making you out to be the bad guy!" Elena shouted. "Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but some things just couldn't be denied any longer!"
"Like your attraction to Damon?" Stefan's voice dripped with sarcasm.
Tears stung in Elena's eyes, but she refused to let them fall. "Oh, Stefan. I'd been drinking too much, and Caroline said…"
"Oh, so you told Caroline as well? Why not broadcast it on the 6 o'clock news?"
Elena looked contrite. "I'm sorry, Stefan. I just had to talk to someone… and then she said I'd better make sure about Damon, because I thought Katherine had already slept with him, and…"
"Katherine doesn't love Damon!" Stefan spat, rather viciously.
Elena stomped her foot, annoyed at him for always interrupting her as she was trying to explain. "I know. She loves you! She told me as much!"
Stefan had the grace to look embarrassed, but he mumbled anyway, "And you believed her?"
Elena pursed her lips. "No. I thought she was still after both of you. And with Damon having spent all that time looking for her, I thought…"
Stefan interrupted her. "Damon again. What if he did sleep with her?"
Elena fidgeted, not responding, and Stefan's eyes narrowed, "Why would you even care? That's the heart of the problem, isn't it? Or perhaps I should say, the problem of the heart…?"
Elena was silent, weighing her words. Then she bit the bullet. "Yes, Stefan. It's true. I've been trying very hard to fight it, but there's something… I feel something for Damon…"
"You love him." Stefan said, as if stating a fact.
"I don't know! It's just that I like being around him, and he makes me laugh, but he also makes me uncomfortable and kind of nervous…" She sighed. "And now, after everything that's happened… well, I would like to say you and I can just kiss and make up and forget all of this ever happened…" She averted her eyes and continued in a small voice, "… but I don't think I can! I don't think… I want to, because..."
Stefan closed his eyes for a moment. There it was, the elephant in the room, massive and grey and not to be overlooked. She'd actually had the guts to go there. The rush of pain stabbing his heart made him realize that deep down he had still been harboring a tiny kernel of hope that they might have been able to overcome this, but her comment made it clear he had indeed lost her already. Perhaps he'd lost her some time ago…
He swallowed audibly and said, "You don't have to tell me more, Elena. I already know."
At Stefan's words, Elena's eyes flew to his face. Did he know what had happened with Damon? Or maybe Stefan wasn't even talking about her foolish drunken behavior two days ago? She asked carefully, "What do you mean?"
"Katherine told me what happened…" He saw in her eyes that she knew what he was talking about, so he continued, "But Elena, it really doesn't matter anym…"
Elena blushed and interrupted him by exclaiming, "Katherine! I should have known! And again, how can it not matter? I cheated on you, Stefan!" She blushed redder, "Well, technically we didn't… you know… but I wanted to, and had Damon not stopped me when he did, I would have done it too!"
Stefan winced. Even though Katherine had told him that Elena had been the one to initiate the seduction, it was still difficult for him to hear it. He was so used to blaming everything on Damon… and now it seemed he really couldn't, by Elena's own admission.
Still, his own confession was about a hundred times worse! And he should get it over with instead of dawdling! He was no coward: if she could tell him this, then so could he (and otherwise Damon would tell her anyway)!
"It doesn't matter anymore, Elena, because…" He hesitated a fraction of a second before divulging his own secret, "You see, I cheated on you too."
Elena digested this and frowned, "I suppose we're not talking anymore about the kiss you gave me when I was pretending to be Katherine?"
Stefan shook his head ruefully, "No, we're definitely not talking about that!" He hesitated, unsure what to tell her. "Katherine came to my room yesterday, and she started taunting me about you, well, about you and Damon and about what you were doing right then… and I lost it, Elena! I got so angry with her!"
Elena looked confused, "You got angry?"
Stefan nodded, "Yes, I was angry because I… I was afraid you were falling for Damon. And it felt like you were slipping through my fingers, all because of Katherine's scheming! And you know how every emotion gets heightened when you're a vampire? I was so furious with her I could have killed her, but when she submitted… when she basically offered herself to me, I sort of lost control… I couldn't think beyond wanting her so badly… and we…" He trailed off, unable to continue.
Elena didn't need to hear anything else. In her mind's eye she saw herself and Damon in the parlor, hearing all kinds of strange noises… Suddenly she remembered wanting to go up to see Stefan, and Damon trying to stop her. Her eyes widened: Damon must have heard them! Had he known what they were doing? Probably... But why hadn't he told her?
She looked at Stefan with a frown. "Did Damon know about this?"
Stefan hesitated before answering reluctantly, honestly, "Yes. Don't blame him for not telling you, Elena. He insisted that I tell you myself, and he was right."
"Don't, Stefan. Don't sell your brother to me."
"I wasn't trying to. Why would I do that?" Stefan sounded bewildered and miserable.
Elena was silent, thinking. That was it then. They were over. History. And there wasn't even that much to feel guilty for after all, because as it turned out, they had both made the same mistake. Not that it was a mistake exactly, but… well.
She looked up to see Stefan staring at her, regret and sorrow darkening his moss-green eyes, and said quietly, "I'm sorry, Stefan. I know this isn't what you wanted. It's not how I wanted things to go either, but..." She hung her head.
"I know. Katherine proved to be my weakness, and Damon got under your skin," Stefan stated matter-of-factly.
She nodded, relieved that he seemed to understand. "Yes. He kind of snuck up on me, and I just can't seem to shake him."
Stefan looked away from her and said softly, "I get it, Elena. If you love someone, you can't shake them, no matter how hard you try."
Elena looked at him. He clearly wasn't just talking about Damon and her, for the sad look he gave her seemed to encompass so much more. First and foremost, there was regret about their own epic love that was supposed to last forever. Only, it had slowly turned to ashes in the heat of the fire between her and Damon. And then there were the fiery embers that were still smouldering between Stefan and Katherine, its flames banked but by no means extinguished, as it turned out...
"Oh, Stefan," Elena whispered. He looked so utterly lost right then that she took the two steps that separated them to wrap her arms around him, hugging him tight. Stefan's arms came around her as well, and they clung together like two people who were uncertain about what the future would have in store for them, where it had seemed almost written in stone before.
Stefan's lips brushed her ear when he said, "I don't want to fight with you, Elena. I never meant to hurt you like this…"
Tears were clouding Elena's vision when she looked up at him again, "Me neither. I'm so, so sorry. I…"
She faltered, and Stefan swallowed hard at the sight of the wetness in Elena's eyes before answering regretfully, "Don't apologize, Elena. If it's real, you can't walk away. I know that better than anybody."
He gently wiped the tears from her cheeks, using both of his thumbs. " And so does Damon, I imagine. I hope he makes you happy, Elena."
Elena looked over his shoulder, taking in the open suitcase and the pile of neatly folded clothes. He was leaving. She knew she had no right to beg him to stay, even if she would miss him dreadfully when he was gone. She was so used to his quiet, solid presence in her life that she couldn't imagine Mystic Falls without it. But she had no right to ask it of him. She could ask something else though.
"You will still be my friend, right?" Her voice was a mere whisper.
Stefan didn't answer immediately. When he turned his soulful emerald eyes back to her, they were suspiciously moist. "Always, Elena. Forever, if you want me to."
"I think I do," She smiled tremulously. "Be happy, Stefan."
Stefan smiled faintly and said, in a forced attempt at levity, "I swear, Elena, if that brother of mine doesn't make you happy, I will come back to put a stake in him somewhere it really hurts."
She laughed through her tears, rising up on tiptoe to give him a kiss on his cheek when they both heard a loud bang from the floor below. After a wide-eyed look at each other, both Elena and Stefan took off at a run, racing out of the room and down the stairs. Stefan was faster, already at the door to Damon's room and slamming it open, when Elena had just put a foot on the stairs.
She heard Stefan growl, "What's going on in here?" just as she hurried in after him and skidded to a halt right inside the door.
AN: Well, I'm not entirely sure I succeeded in capturing the atmospere of this story after so long. I still hope you liked it though. Please drop me a little review to let me know what you thought?
One more chapter to go, I'd say. I promise I will not leave it so long this time ;) It's almost done...