Yeah, this chapter doesn't need my rambling. Enjoy. Please review!
I Don't Want To Feel
Chapter Fourteen
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Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first.
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Harry Potter was ready. He had been ready for hours. For days. For weeks. This was it; the day that everyone would watch their hero, their saviour, fighting side by side with Death Eaters. Against them; against the whole world. He sat by the window, staring as the sun slowly made it's way over the horizon and casting an eerie light over the fog that covered the lawns of Hogwarts. It was going to be a beautiful Saturday morning; but it wouldn't be beautiful for long. Today the war for Hogwarts would begin; and hopefully end. Well.
Harry's plan was flawless. Nothing could go wrong for the Dark Side on this beautiful Sunday.
Nothing could stop Harry Potter from winning his first battle... absolutely nothing.
Harry spent his last few hours sitting in his Gryffindor dorm room, savouring his last of peace and quiet. Talking and laughter drifted up from the Common Room and Harry almost wished he could be down there laughing with friends. Almost. The last few hours before going into battle were the loneliest; why did they not feel scared?
'They don't know, idiot.' came a voice in Harry's head, and he sighed. Of course they didn't know. They wouldn't know until it all exploded in their faces. Until they watched Death creeping up to them. It seemed almost unfair to Harry...almost. He liked that word, almost. He almost everthing in his life. He almost fell in love with Draco Malfoy, he tried to tell himself. But he wasn't sure if the almost really did apply in that sentence.
Laughter got closer as Harry leaned his head against the wall, and soon Ron Weasley and Seamus Finnegan had walked into the room. They continued laughing, not having seen Harry, but stopped dead when they found him leaning against the wall, his eyes closed.
"Harry? Harry, mate? Are you okay?"
Harry looked up and into the eyes of the redhead he was about to betray.
"Of course I'm okay. I'm just not feeling too well."
"Why don't you come hang out with us down in the Common Room? It might help to just relax with some friends."
Harry almost flinched. He watched as Seamus began to back out of the room, leaving him alone with Ron. He wanted to scream out for him to come back.
"No thank you, Ron. I think I'll just rest for my last few hours." Harry said without thinking, too distracted by Seamus walking out. After realizing what he said, he bit his lip. "Before lunch!" Ron just raised an eyebrow.
"Alright then, mate. Well, I'll be downstairs, I guess..." Ron replied, starting to walk towards the door. After placing his hand on the doorknob, he turned back to Harry who had already turned to look out the window again. "Hey, Harry? You know I'm here to talk...right?"
Harry couldn't look at him. He just nodded. He felt Ron's gaze on him for a while until the redhead sighed and walked out of the dorm, closing the door behind him. Harry sighed.
He tried to convince himself that there would be a smile on his face when he looked down at the dead body of his former best friend.
At exactly 11:45, Harry was walking down towards the Entrance Hall. His stomach was doing sommersaults, and he wasn't sure what emotion was causing it to do so. There were just so many different things running through his mind. He continued through the front doors and sat on the steps outside, waiting for the signal. If other students hadn't been so preoccupied with eating lunch, they would have noticed the lone boy sitting outside with robes that were too dark to be a Hogwarts uniform. They would have noticed that he was glancing around, as if waiting for something to come; to happen. They would have noticed that it was Harry Potter, their saviour, before he betrayed them all.
He glanced at his watch. 11:50. He scowled. Time was moving in slow motion.
The sound of talking and laughter grew louder as more and more people filed into the Great Hall for lunch, and Harry's heart beat faster and faster in anticipation. This was the moment he had been waiting for. He stared at the lawns in their last moments of innocence; at the lake he would never see again.
11:55. Why couldn't it just be--
A sudden silence swept over the hall. 'Of course' Harry thought, and a smile swept over his face.
Lucius Malfoy had gotten through the wards five minutes early. He was extremely proud of himself. It was been complicated, but something had made him want to do it as fast as possible. What it was, he wasn't sure. His nerves? The pressure? The schedule? His need to look better than everyone else? Potter. His mind screamed the name, and he shuddered. He hated that boy; he always made him look bad. Standing outside the Great Hall, he composed himself, listening to the chatter of hundreds of children. Soon, there would be nothing to be happy about.
Lucius disappeared from the spot he was standing, and appeared at the front of the hall near the teachers table. He paused for dramatic effect, and listened as the chatter slowly died down into shocked silence. He turned to the teachers table where even Albus Dumbledore himself looked shocked. For a split second.
"Ah, Lucius! How nice of you to join us!" Dumbledore exclaimed, although confusion was still evident in his eyes. He made to stand up, but slowly lowered himself back into his chair at Lucius' next words.
"Cut the crap, Dumbledore. You know exactly what I'm doing here."
"Yes, I think I do."
"As we are speaking, hundreds of my comrades are lining up outside. You, on the other hand, have a few teachers and weak students. With no time to call back up from your precious Order, what ever shall you do?" Lucius continued, mockingly. Albus Dumbledore looked older at each word. "Ah, but I'm sure you're wondering how all this is possible? How did the ever-powerful Lord Voldemort manage this?"
Dumbledore's gaze swept quickly to his side, where Severus Snape was sitting with a guarded expression. He looked like he was calculating something.
"Now, now, Dumbledore. Do not look at him--he will forever be your lapdog. Have more faith in your people, at least. But, I tire of talking. Let's get this over with."
"But, the chil--"
"Ah, yes. Them." Lucius said, as if he just remembered they were there. His eyes swept over the horrified students. He looked at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch and drawled, "They have two minutes."
And then he disapparated.
The battle wasn't as exciting as Harry had hoped it would be. Soon, it all became a blur to Harry.
Wand pointed, person down.
That's all it consisted of. He no longer realized who he was taking down. It wasn't until a slightly large group of people apparated onto the Hogwarts grounds that Harry knew the real battle was just beginning. Order members ran into the battle just as quickly as they had arrived, and began fighting back against the Death Eaters. Truthfully, Harry had not planned that. He hadn't thought anyone would have been able to contact the Order. Letting out a cry of anger as he sent a stunned seventh year to the ground, Harry turned and found himself face to face with Severus Snape. His mask still intact, Harry Potter was unknown to his Potions professor.
"YOU!" Severus Snape exclaimed, and Harry took a step back. How had Snape known? "I don't know WHO you are, but this is your fault, isn't it!" He yelled above the screaming and explosions around him, and pointed his wand at Harry's chest. "You're a student, aren't you? You can't fool me! I've seen you with Lucius Malfoy; he's your little partner in all this, isn't he? Go on then, show your face, you bloody coward! You can't do anymore damage now!"
"STUPEFY!" Harry yelled, brandishing his wand from out of nowhere and catching Snape off guard. Snape ducked just in time, however, and retaliated quickly.
"EXPELLIARMUS!" Harry blocked it easily and chuckled. "Now, now Severus. Is that all you can do? Petty first year spells? Pathetic."
"Cru--" Snape started, angrily, but Harry distracted him by sending another stunner in his direction.
"Why, Snapey! An Unforgivable! What would Dumbledore think!" Harry taunted, and Snape took a step towards him.
"He doesn't mind if I use it against filth like you."
"CRUCIO!" Harry cried, hitting Snape right in the chest and watching with satisfaction as he screamed and writhed on the floor. He released the spell but kept his wand pointed on the Potions master. "I am neither a coward nor filth." Harry said, more anger growing inside him. "What's the matter, Snape, don't recognize my voice?"
Snape furrowed his brow painfully.
"Was pretty smart of me to alter my voice, wasn't it?" Harry said sarcastically, and Snape growled, jumping to his feet. "Oh excellent. I thought you were giving up on me already. I was a second away from killing you."
"You couldn't kill me!" Snape spat, and Harry raised an eyebrow underneath his mask. Quite the contrary, he thought to himself. "You couldn't kill me even if you were forced to, right, Draco!"
Harry took a step back, dazed. Chapped lips. Blonde hair. Grey eyes. Unguarded smile. 'I love you...' came a whispered voice in his head, and he was only broken out of his daze when Severus Snape threw himself onto the boy and tackled him to the ground.
"You told me! You told me what you thought of your father! And I believed you!" Snape was yelling in anger, shaking Harry's limp body. "You told me you would never be like him! Look at all the people you are betraying! Look at all the people dying because of YOU!"
'I wasn't supposed to love you.'
Harry let out an angry cry and pushed Snape off of him with all the strength he could muster. Snape fell to the ground in shock, and Harry stood up, ripping the mask from his face, his wand pointed at Snape.
"I AM NOT DRACO MALFOY!"
Snape's mouth dropped open, and his eyes went wide. People fighting around him who had heard the angry yell turned and found a very frightening site before them; Harry Potter pointing his wand at a fallen Severus Snape. Harry Potter in Death Eater robes.
Before anyone could say anything, however, there was a slight popping sound as Lord Voldemort appeared and clapped.
"Oh Harry, I must say, excellent! What a way to reveal yourself! You must have been planning this all along, you cheeky boy!"
Harry Potter frowned in confusion. Had Voldemort just called him a...cheeky boy?
"Ah, Severus. You see why you're hardly even needed anymore! Look at the new you!" Voldemort sneered, and then looked at the gaping wizards surrounding them. "Ah, an audience. How I love it. You sure know how to put up a show, Harry Potter."
Harry no longer understood what was going on. What the hell was Voldemort doing here...and why did he sound so happy?
"Stupefy!" Came a pathetic attempt from an Order member Harry did not recognize in the crowd, and Voldemort just waved it off.
"Really, it's going to take a much stronger attempt to get rid of me, foolish man. Ah, Dumbledore!" Voldemort cried, seeing Dumbledore walking towards them with his wand pointed. "Come to see my newest recruit? I must thank you for training him, he is of excellent power."
Dumbledore had the decency to widen his eyes at the sight of Harry Potter in Death Eater robes. He raised his wand in anger, about to shout a spell, when Voldemort narrowed his eyes.
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you." Voldemort sneered, and snapped his fingers. Out of thin air, Draco Malfoy appeared on the ground, completely bound and gagged. He examined his surroundings frantically, his wide eyes stopping at Harry and Snape. A gasp came from their little 'audience'. Harry was amazed that students, Order members, and Death Eaters alike were just watching. Apparently most of the Death Eaters were as much in the dark about this as Harry was. Dumbledore lowered his wand at the sight of Draco Malfoy, and shook his head.
"That letter..."
"Was a complete lie, of course! This fine boy has been a most gracious guest for more than a month now! Who would have thought, right? The great Albus Dumbledore has been fooled. And by a letter! And..." Voldemort looked at Harry, his eyes gleaming. "By a 16-year-old boy."
Dumbledore took a step towards Voldemort. Voldemort placed his wand on Draco's temple.
"Do anything, Dumbledore, and the boy gets killed."
Severus Snape would later swear that he saw Harry Potter flinch ever-so-slightly. Dumbledore froze.
"Excellent." Voldemort said pleasantly, and began to examine the faces around him. "Ah, how coincidental. All of Potty's little friends are here...go on then, Harry! Wave hello! Look at what you see before you, friends, this is the boy that was supposed to save all of you! This was the boy that was supposed to kill me, his master. Ironic, isn't it? Now, show me those looks of betrayal! This was the moment he has been waiting for all along, I must assure you. To see your faces as he kills you. And the best part is, you won't be able to stop it, will you? You wouldn't injure your own friend, would you?"
Harry felt sick. He couldn't take his eyes off the bound Draco Malfoy. 'I wish you never told me. I wish I never knew!'
"...Isn't that right, Harry?" Voldemort asked, calmly and Harry stared. He had no clue what Voldemort had said. He nodded. "And after all that time, you finally see what he really is. A betrayer, a bad guy, an enemy."
Harry could feel dozens of eyes on him. He had dreamed of this moment for such a long time; to look into the hurt faces of his former friends. But now that the moment was here, he couldn't even bring himself to do it. He just stared at the tied up prisoner that was Draco Malfoy.
"But that's enough talking for now, of course! This is a battle; a war. There should be spells flying, people dying. Or maybe--the grand finale." Voldemort continued, smiling evily down at Draco Malfoy. "The much-awaited death of Draco Malfoy!"
Harry's head shot up. Dumbledore made as if to take another step. The audience drew in a collected breath.
Draco was ungagged, but no words came from his mouth. Only a glare covered his pale, blood-and-dirt stained face.
'What should I do, Harry? What can I do?'
"Harry!" Voldemort called, excitement evident in his voice. "Do me a favour and leave poor Severus alone for a while, would you? We have better things to do."
"Better, my Lord?" Harry spoke for the first time, and a few gasps were heard. It was the first time Harry had proven he was indeed a Death Eater. He couldn't look at anything or anyone else except Voldemort. He didn't know what the emotion was; but it was strong. And it wouldn't leave.
"Why, yes. For all these weeks you've been down in the freezing dungeons watching over...said prisoner..." Voldemort started, gesturing at Draco, "And complaining about what an annoying brat he is. Now is your opportunity to be rid of this brat! I didn't allow you to kill him before; but here it is. Your moment."
"I--you, know...there are just so many other people I'd rather kill, and..."
Harry and Draco's eyes met.
"Nonsense, Harry. This is your grand finale! I had it all planned for you."
"I--" Harry started, but couldn't find anything to say. His eyes left Draco's and for the first time, travelled around at his 'audience'. Or what was left of the people fighting. Ron. Hermione. Remus. Dumbledore. McGonagal. Arthur Weasley. Molly Weasley. Mad-Eye Moody. They were all there. 'Why are they all here?' a voice inside Harry's mind screamed. It was what he had wanted; but the real moment didn't feel half as good as it did in his imagination.
"Mr. Potter!" Voldemort spat, losing his patience. "Kill the prisoner!"
Harry felt his legs turn to jelly, and he could barely walk as he made his way over to Voldemort and Draco. Voldemort smiled evily at this, and backed away so that Harry and Draco were standing about two meters apart. Voldemort went to where Harry had been standing by Snape, a few meters behind where the young Death Eater was now. Harry's eyes moved from the dirt on the ground to Draco Malfoy's eyes, and was shocked when grey eyes met his once again. Grey eyes filled with fear.
'I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.' Draco Malfoy's voice repeated in Harry's mind, and Harry closed his eyes in horror. 'Kill the prisoner! Kill the prisoner!' came Voldemort's voice in his mind, and he felt like screaming. He raised his wand, scenes from his time with Draco flashing through his mind.
'Missed my company?'
'You of all people need love.'
'Oh, don't mind me. I'm just a crazy prisoner.'
Those lips...coming closer. Closer. The emotion in his eyes. The emotion inside of him.
"Avada..."
' It was stupid of me to think you actually cared.'
Harry spun on his heel. "KEDAVRA!"
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"I'm sorry." Harry whispered, but loud enough for everyone to hear.
Voldemort's dead body hit the ground.
It took a moment for Harry to register what exactly was going on, but the popping sounds around him told him that his fellow Death Eaters were disapparating around him. He had half the mind to disappear himself, when he was reminded of Draco. He turned slowly, trying not to meet the eyes of his former friends and allies still staring at him in shock. He knelt beside Draco who was looking at the ground, and whispered a spell. The tight ropes disappeared, and Draco grabbed his bleeding wrists, hissing. He looked up slightly, but not high enough to meet Harry's eyes.
"What have you done?" Draco muttered, massaging his wrists.
"I killed Voldemort." Harry whispered back, stating the obvious and frowning slightly at Draco's wrists.
"Yes, but why?"
"I--because. I couldn't kill you."
Draco's head shot up, and grey eyes met green.
"I--I...I love you." Harry whispered, leaning in closer, his eyes never leaving Draco's.
"I...thought you wished I'd never told you? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me?" Draco said, finishing in almost a whimper. His bottom lip trembled, and his eyes misted over.
"It's tough deciding what means more to you in life." Harry whispered, quoting what Draco had once said to him. Draco stared at him, amazed. A tear escaped from Harry's eyes, and Draco did the only thing he could think of.
He threw his arms around Harry Potter and sobbed onto his shoulder.