Disclaimer: Supernatural and all its characters belong to Kripke and the CW. I own nothing.
Previously on Supernatural- "Dean, help your brother take a bath and then get those meds in him." He instructed giving the older brother a knowing look. Seeing the boy's slight nod he spun his seat back around and pulled out of the parking lot praying that Dean would be able to make Sam realize his daddy really did love him.
"Alright Sam in you go" Dean stated as he helped his younger brother into the two sizes too small tub. Picking up a wash rag and the soap he slowly lathered the cloth as he thought about how to start the conversation he knew he needed to have with his brother. After getting his thoughts in order, the older man put down the soap and began. "It was good to see Grandma Nell and Aunt Lois again wasn't it Sammy?" he asked as he scrubbed.
"Yeah, I just wish we could have stayed a little longer." Sam wistfully replied. "I really missed them."
"Me too" Dean agreed. "Hey, you remember that time Grandma Nell almost decked dad with that boat paddle thingy?"
Sam snorted. "How could I forget? Dad busted my behind for making him wait as soon as we got back to the apartment." He scoffed. "I couldn't sit down for a week without thinking about it."
"Oh yeah. I forgot about that." Dean muttered mentally kicking himself. He was supposed to be making his little brother feel better not worse. Quickly moving on he added, "Still it wasn't all bad here. Dad let you walk to and from school by yourself for the first time."
"Yeah, like he had a choice" Sam mumbled. "It was either let me walk or you drive me to school. And not only would he have to worry about his precious car being parked in a school lot but he wouldn't have a way to get around town. Besides, it's not like I was actually alone. He followed me every morning. Guess he couldn't even trust me to make it the few blocks there and back without screwing up."
"Sammy, you know that's not true." Dean argued. "Dad trusted you."
"Riiight" Sam scoffed. "Look, we're not gonna agree on this so let's just change the subject, okay?"
"No, not okay" Dean angrily growled. Turning away from his brother he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Getting angry wasn't going to help either one of them. Once he had his emotions back under control Dean turned back to Sam and softly said, "I think you need to talk about this Sammy. You're calling out for dad in the middle of your nightmares. Hell you can't even handle the smell of a cup of coffee. We've gotta talk about this."
"No we don't" Sam fired back. "I'm fine, Dean."
"Really? So you're not thinking dad didn't care because he didn't talk to you before he died?" Dean questioned. Sam's wince was the only answer he needed. "You overheard me and Bobby talking, didn't you?"
Sam nodded. Dropping his gaze to his bandaged hands he whispered, "Its okay Dean. Really. It's not like I didn't already know that d-d-da, that he didn't care about me."
"Sammy that's not true. Dad loved you." Dean assured his little brother. "Don't you remember all the trips to the parks for a break when we were on a long drive? Or what about dad always hugging you and playing with you when he came home?"
"That was when we were little, Dean; before I knew what was really out there." Sam quietly pointed out. "And I know he loved me then. I knew that as sure as I knew my own name. But everything changed after I found out the truth and he started training me. He was different. I don't know if it was because I didn't pick things up as fast as you did or if he found out something about mom's death that pointed to me or what. But something happened. I went from being his buddy or little man or baby to a slow stupid screw up. And he changed from the dad I knew into this whole other person; one that didn't like me very much."
"Come on Sammy. I know dad was a bear when it came to training but he wasn't that bad." Dean scoffed. "He even made sure to tell us we did a good job when we were done."
"No Dean, he always told you that." Sam corrected still focusing on his hands. "You know I use to watch you and dad when you were training? I'd watch him teaching you a new move looking for any clue why he always told you things like "good try" or "you've almost got it" while all I heard was "God Sam can't you ever get anything right?" or my personal favorite "why can't you be more like Dean? It only took him two tries to get this". I mean, when you and dad sparred, no matter how many times he handed your a$$ to you, he still patted you on the back and told you you did a good job."
"What'd you expect Sam?" Dean broke in. "Dad was older than me and he had way more experience in hand to hand."
"So?" Sam huffed. "Not only were you older and more experienced than me but most of that time you were over a foot taller too. But for some reason dad was always disappointed when you beat me. He always had this look in his eye when you won; like he couldn't believe I was his son. Always made me feel worthless."
Dean took a moment to gather his thoughts. This was not going the way he had planned. Deciding he needed to steer the conversation away from training and hunting Dean tried again. "I know dad was an a$$ when we were training. Guess it was the Marine in him. But that doesn't mean he didn't love you. What about all those happy Christmases we had together?"
"Those stopped the year I found out about the supernatural Dean. Remember?" Sam muttered.
"Oh yeah" Dean grudgingly agreed. "But we still celebrated birthdays. You can't tell me the three of us didn't always have fun on our birthdays."
"You mean on your birthdays" Sam corrected. "We always did something special with dad on your birthdays. Between the time I was eight and eighteen he was only home for two of mine and that was only because he had gotten badly hurt on hunts the week before."
"He couldn't help it if hunts came up around our birthdays." Dean defended. "He tried to be home. Sometimes things just came up."
"You don't understand Dean. I heard him on the phone turning down hunts because and I quote, "My son Dean's birthday is in a few days. I can't miss his special day." I heard those words come out of his mouth more than once Dean." Sam explained.
"He did?" Dean asked before he could stop himself. Tucking that bit of information away for later he forced himself to go back to the task at hand. "Okay so he was a bastard most of the time. But that still isn't proof that he didn't love…"
"You want proof?! I'll give you proof!" Sam hollered.
"Everything alright back there boys?" Bobby shouted from the front of the RV.
"Yeah, everything's fine." Dean called back. Turning back to his younger sibling he said, "Alright, calm down and tell me. What proof are you talking about?"
"You remember the day dad and I had the big fight about Stanford?" Sam softly asked. Seeing his big brother's nod he continued. "That morning he had gotten mad at me for not finishing my run on time and as punishment he made me wash and clean out his truck."
"I remember that. You said something about there being a car accident and that you had stopped to help." Dean recalled. "Dad was so pissed. Told you that you shouldn't have gotten yourself involved."
"Yeah" Sam sighed. "Anyway, when I was cleaning out the inside of his truck, I found this huge spiral bound notebook sticking up between the seats. At first I thought maybe he had started a new journal but that's not what it was."
"What was it?" Dean prodded when his brother didn't continue.
"It was like a grade book. He had started it the day he started training you." Sam told him. "He had listed every training session and hunt we had done up to that point. Each one had the date and time, what we worked on, and how he thought we did."
"Really?" Dean asked.
"Yeah" Sam replied. "Your name had a five star rating by it every time along with words like 'natural', 'fast learner', 'great hunter'. I could tell dad was really proud of you."
"What about you?" Dean questioned already knowing he was going to regret it.
"Think the most I ever earned was two stars." Sam mumbled. "And the things he wrote about me. Do you have any idea what it felt like to read that your dad thinks you're a selfish, lazy, screw up? Huh? I mean, I knew he wasn't happy with me but I still thought he, he…" Sam wiped his face with his arm and sniffled.
"Sammy, I'm sure dad didn't mean for you to see that…"
"That's the thing Dean. He did." Sam quietly correctly. "He'd had that book for years and neither one of us even knew it existed. There's no way after all those years that he'd slip up and leave it out in plain sight the same day he made me clean out his truck. No way. He wanted me to find it, Dean. He put it where he knew I'd see it. That's when I knew I had to leave. I wasn't planning on going until right before school started but I just couldn't stay after that. I just couldn't."
"God Sammy I'm so sorry." Dean whispered as he wrapped his brother in a hug. "I didn't know, man."
"It's okay Dean" Sam said from the confines of the hug. "I had you. That was enough."
Dean held his brother for another minute before slowly releasing him. Grabbing a fluffy green towel he draped it over his shoulder as he stood. "Come on Sammy. Let's get you outta the tub before you shrivel up like a prune." He joked as he reached down and hauled his baby brother to his feet. After helping Sam dry off and get into his night clothes, Dean led him into the bedroom. Sitting on the bed beside his brother he set about changing the bandages on his hands as he racked his brain for any other way to prove to Sam that their dad did love the kid. He had finished working on the boy's hands and gone to fetch a glass of water and the medicine when he finally thought of it; the perfect way to show Sam that their dad did care. Walking back into the bedroom he sat down on the bed and helped his little brother take his meds. He set the glass on the night stand and smiled down at Sam. "Hey Sammy, there's one thing you're forgetting here." He stated. "Dad may have been a real a$$ when we were growing up but that didn't mean he didn't love us. He even tried to make things up with you a few months ago. Remember that hunt he sent us; the one that turned out to be Mrs. Pool's spirit? She tore your back up pretty bad before we could get to you. It was so bad that you were out of it the first couple of days. Dad stayed right by your side the whole time, even climbed in bed with you when you were hurting that first night. Remember what he told you when you woke up?"
"Yeah" Sam softly replied. "He said we were the only good things in his life and that I was his baby boy and his last gift from mom and that he, he loved me."
"That's right" Dean agreed. "And he stayed there with you until you were fully healed. Like to drove you up a wall with all the hovering and mother henning he was doing."
"Uh huh" Sam yawned. "Kinda freaked me out at first. I mean dad was constantly hugging me and kissing my forehead and brushing back my bangs. I kept waiting for him to get tired and take off but he didn't. He stayed there and took care of me."
"Think he would have done that if he didn't love you, kiddo?" Dean asked.
"No" Sam quietly answered. "I guess not."
"I know not. Dad loved you Sammy." Dean confidently stated patting his brother's blanket covered chest. He brushed the bangs out of Sam's eyes and stood up. "Now get some sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day."
Nodding his head Sam watched as Dean headed for the other room. Still unsure of his father's love and not wanting to meet an angry John Winchester in his dreams again he shifted nervously in the bed. He really didn't want to be left alone with his dreams but he was way too old to be asking Dean to sleep with him cause he was scared. He'd just have to go with his old standby; the one that had gotten him through his pre-teen and teenage years. Gazing at his brother's retreating back Sam called out, "Dean, could you, ummm, could you…I'm cold."
Dean immediately turned and hurried back to the bed and took a seat on the edge. "You getting a fever again, buddy?" he asked as he placed the back of his hand on Sam's forehead. "Huh, no fever. Your hands hurting?"
Sam shook his head as he slowly inched closer to his brother and snuggled into his side. "I'm just cold." He replied grabbing the hem of Dean's shirt.
Dean sighed. He wished Sam would just come out and say he wanted him to stay instead of hem-hawing around. Deciding to play along this time he laid down on the bed and wrapped an arm around his little brother pulling him closer to him. "That better?" he asked.
"Yeah" Sam yawned. "Thanks *yawn* Dean"
"Night Sammy" Dean whispered chuckling as a soft snore echoed through the room. Making himself comfortable he closed his eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep.
Dean awoke to sunlight streaming in through the windows. Glancing down at his sleeping sibling he grinned. The kid had managed to sleep through the whole night without a single nightmare. Slipping out of bed he hurried to the bathroom and took care of some urgent business before walking out to the kitchen. He picked up the coffee pot only to put it back down when he remembered Sam's reaction to the smell. Sighing he made his way up to the front and sat down in the passenger seat. "Morning Bobby" he greeted.
"Morning Dean" Bobby cheerfully replied as he turned onto exit 67. "We're almost there. Josh's motel is just a couple miles up this road."
"Great" Dean said. "Cause I could sure use a cup of coffee right now."
"Me too" Bobby muttered wincing when he saw the huge sign in the distance. He really wished Dean had slept just a little bit longer.
"Bobby" Dean growled as he gawked at the brightly colored sign above the road. "What the hell are we doing here?!"