And Then There Were Two

Chapter Fourteen

When someone you love dies, it's like nothing else matters. The world stops spinning, things cease to exist. The only thing that matters, when someone dies, is figuring out how to pick up the pieces. The pain is impossible to describe, one that rips through you with an intense vengeance. When someone dies, it's like a part of you dies too. You forget how to breathe. You forget how to live. You want that person back. You want to be able to turn back time and get back what you lost. Possessions are replaceable. People aren't. And so it hurts, when you lose someone. It hurts because you know they're gone forever. You know that even if someone else comes along, they will never replace the person that is no longer there. When someone you love dies, you have to figure out if you're going to die with them, or keep going.

"Derek." Dr. Owen Hunt pulled off his blue surgical cap as he walked into the waiting room where the friends and family of Meredith Grey were waiting, impatiently, to hear whether or not she had made it through the surgery.

Instantly, Derek got up from where he was seated, scrubbing his hand over his face and through his hair. It was a nervous habit, and it did little to help is appearance. He was a wreck. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, his eyes bloodshot from the tears that hadn't stopped falling when he saw his son. "How is she?" There wasn't a chance in the world that he was going to allow himself to imagine the possibility that he would lose his wife too.

Owen glanced around at the other people who were there, hovering. They were just, hovering. Scared, he knew, but he couldn't stand the hovering. Alex, Jackson, Cristina, Lexi, and..Mark. Mark was sitting in a corner, almost as if he were hiding. There was a small shake of his head as he made the decision right then and there that he wasn't going to make this man endure news about his wife with an audience. "We should go somewhere private." He suggested. "The family conference room is just around the corner." Cristina shot him a glance, but he ignored it. She could wait. She had to wait.

"Okay." Derek was hesitant to accept the offer, but when he saw Lexie getting up to move closer, he simply followed Dr. Hunt to the room without argument. "How is she?" His question came again, as soon as he sat down and the door closed.

"She made it through surgery," Owen took a seat before he continued. "Her condition, Derek, is very critical, at best."

"She, you said she made it through surgery." He didn't care what her odds were. He didn't care how many people said she was going to die, or what medical research showed. All Derek Shepherd cared about was taking it one step at a time. His wife was going to live. She had to live. He wasn't going to watch her die. He couldn't, watch her die. He didn't know how he would live if she was gone.

There was a nod before he continued, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words. "There were some, complications, with the c-section. Meredith's uterus wasn't contracting and Addison was having a difficult time. We considered a hysterectomy because she was losing so much blood."

"We can't have children." Derek was numb, even more so than he had been before. His tone was lifeless, empty.

"No. I mean, yes. You, she can. I'm sorry. I should have started with that." He quickly realized his mistake, hating that he had given the impression that they hadn't been able to fix it. "Her uterus did finally start contracting, but the time we lost in waiting was..." Owen sighed. "She lost a lot of blood Derek, and her body is in shock. It didn't help any, and we had to transfuse double the units of blood that I would have liked, her blood pressure is barely at a point where I would consider it stable. We have her on a Dopamine drip, but I don't know how long that's going to work. She's not really doing..."

Derek cut him off, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. A small one, but at least he could breathe again. There had not been a hysterectomy. They could have another baby. Not now. Not anytime soon. He couldn't go through that, and he knew she couldn't. But at some point, maybe in years to come, that option was still there. "So there was no hysterectomy. She can still have children." He had to say it out loud to reassure himself.

"Yes. But, Derek."

"What else? What else did you do? Did someone evaluate her neurological status? Addison didn't tell me, before. When I saw her. She didn't say."

Owen tried to start from the beginning, doing his best not to overwhelm Derek with too much at once. So, he decided to keep it simple. Details could be explained later. "We removed her spleen. I had hoped that we could do a partial splenectomy, but there was too much damage. Addison saved her uterus, and I ended up repairing some damage done to her left lung. She still has a couple of chest tubes in, though. As far as her neurological status goes, I would say at this point we're very guarded. She's showing signs of a traumatic brain injury, but there is no way to know how bad it is until she wakes up and we can do some more testing. Her pupils are still sluggish."

"But she's alive," There was still the matter of how much shock Derek was in from it all. He was barely able to really comprehend everything that was going on. All he could wrap his mind around was the fact that Meredith was still alive, still there with him. The pain of losing his son was crippling, devastating, but he tried to push that to the back of his mind while he focused on keeping the woman he loved alive.

"Yes, but Derek, Meredith isn't doing much of the work herself. She's on a ventilator. The settings are pretty high. Her body is just not responding the way we'd like. She's alive, but I don't know how much of that is machines and how much of it is the Meredith you love." Owen tried to be straight with him, but gentle. The man had been through enough.

Derek wasn't in the frame of mind to listen to any of it, and he refused to break down there in front of Owen Hunt. The thought of Meredith being there in body but gone in mind brought back memories of unplugging Mrs. Clark. He quickly shook them off, fighting back tears as his hands began to shake. He couldn't watch her die like that. He couldn't watch the woman he loved slip away while machines kept her heart beating. "I want to see her." It was all he could manage.

"I'll take you to her room," Owen stood, opening the door. He let Derek go first, ignoring everyone else who was desperate to know something about Meredith's condition. Without saying anything and without stopping for anyone, he led Derek straight to the ICU and to the room where she was.

"Here, you can have this chair." Addison quickly got up from the seat she'd been in at Meredith's bedside. She didn't really know why she was there, right against her bed. It gave her comfort, she guessed, just in case something went wrong. She was there, right there. Somehow, in all that had happened, Addison had learned to care about Meredith. Not just as someone who was married to Derek, but as a friend. She cared about Meredith, as a person. So she almost felt like it was her job to stay there with her until Derek came. He looked terrible, but she gave him a small encouraging smile anyway when she noticed him frozen there, just staring at the woman in the bed.

Meredith looked dead. She was lifeless as she laid there in that bed, her chest rising and falling only because there was a tube down her throat and a machine programmed to do all of the work for her. There were tubes, and wires, everywhere. She had drains, everywhere. Her skin was pale, ghostly pale. Are there always this many wires in the ICU? Is the beeping of that machine always so loud? Derek struggled to take it all in, shaking hands moving to wipe away the tears that stung his eyes. He wanted to sit down, in that chair, where Addison had been. He wanted to hold Meredith's hand and talk to her, to tell her everything was okay. But he couldn't move. He was frozen there, shocked at her appearance.

"It's okay." Addison glanced over to Dr. Hunt, letting him know silently that she would handle it for a few minutes. He disappeared, grateful, to go let Cristina and the rest of the people waiting know how she was. "Derek." She walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Come sit down." Her voice was gentle, soothing even.

Shakily, he walked over to the chair and finally sat, drawing in a deep breath. "She can't die."

His voice was barely audible, and his words haunted her. "I know. I know, Derek." Her hand rested on his shoulder. "Talk to her. Hold her hand, and talk to her. It will help, if she knows you're here."

"Owen said..."

She cut him off. "Meredith's a fighter, Derek. She's strong. She'll pull through this. But she's going to need you."

He didn't respond to that other than to reach over and hesitantly take Meredith's hand. His touch was gentle. He didn't want to hurt her, or disrupt any of the machines or drains she was connected to. It gave him a sense of peace though, to touch her again, to feel her skin against his.

"If you need anything, I'll just be at the nurses station." Addison knew he needed some time. He needed time with his wife, to grieve the loss of his son and to wrap his mind around the condition of the woman he loved. "I'll make sure no one bothers you."

Derek knew she was referring to Meredith's friends. It wasn't that he wanted to keep them from her, but then, in that moment, he couldn't think about anyone else. All he could think about was having a few minutes with her, alone. He just needed some time, to regroup. "Thanks."

When she left, he leaned his head over and rested it close to her belly. He let fingers rest against the side of the skin where their baby had been, and he cried. He cried for the baby they had loved but never known. He cried because Meredith had never held him, because she had never been able to rock him to sleep or kiss him goodnight. He cried because the son he wanted to stay up all night with and take fishing in years to come was dead. His son was gone. He had been so perfect. So tiny, but so beautiful. He would remember that, for the rest of his life. Derek cried because somewhere buried in the back of his mind was the thought that Meredith could die. He cried because he was scared out of his mind that she would just give up, that she would stop fighting. He cried because he wasn't sure she would ever be the same again. He wasn't sure either one of them would ever be the same again.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

"You did this!" Cristina Yang had room for anger. She had enough anger for everyone in that room. And when she finally found her voice, when the shock of her best friend's condition had settled, she yelled.

It was Mark Sloan that couldn't figure out how to fight back. He couldn't figure out how he was supposed to do much of anything. Next to Derek, he looked almost equally as terrible, and he was struggling to even keep his mind working. "I'm sorry."

She could barely hear his response. Sorry? He was sorry?! Meredith's son was gone. And she, she was dying. And Mark Sloan was sorry? "You're sorry?! Do you think that makes it any better?! Do you think that sorry is going to bring back their son?! Or save her life?! Do you have any idea what you've done?!"

"It was an accident. I'm, God, I'm so sorry." Mark's hands were trembling, and he glanced at Cristina for a brief second. Her pain, he was convinced, was nothing compared to what he was feeling. His stupidity had taken the life of another person, maybe two. And it wasn't just anyone. It was someone he cared about, someone, he didn't know how to make it stop.

The guilt, the pain, was overwhelming. He'd already wondered if maybe it wasn't worth it, if maybe it would just be easier to throw in the towel. There were no tears left to cry. He was starting to become numb, but numb was a million times better than the pain he was feeling. He could handle numb.

"Cristina." Lexie found her voice, buried under layers of pain, confusion, and fear. Her boyfriend had caused an accident that left someone dead. Her sister, she could die. And Mark could go to jail. He had run a light, which meant the accident was his fault. He could go to jail. If Derek pressed charges, he would spend his life behind bars. And even if he didn't, the prosecutors could take the case to court anyway. Mark was hurting. He was hurting more than they knew, and her sister was dying. So Lexie was falling apart. She didn't quite know how to respond to it, to any of it. "Please, stop. Just, stop."

"So now you're going to stick up for him?! Like somehow I should feel sorry for him?!" She was yelling at her now.

"I'm just saying that you need to stop yelling! We're all hurting, Cristina. All of us! And that isn't making anything better!"

Mark took her hand, squeezing it gently to reassure her that she didn't have to get involved. "If you don't think I wish I had been the one to die, you're crazy." He finally managed to put his thoughts into words, looking straight at Cristina Yang. "I'd give anything, to take Meredith's place. I'd give anything to bring back that baby."

"Well you..."

"Cristina." Owen cut her off, resting one hand on his arm.

"He.." She fought against him.

"Cristina." He knew she was just hurting, so he pulled her closer to him.

Then she broke down. Cristina broke down, in Owen's arms. She broke down and cried. In that moment, she wasn't concerned about who saw her, or what people said. Cristina cried for Meredith. She cried for the baby that was dead and for her person who was barely hanging on.

"We should just, go home." Mark looked over to Lexie. "There's no point in being here, Lex. We're not going to be able to see her, and Derek, if he finds out I'm.."

Lexie didn't make him finish. She knew he was right, so she just nodded and stood, wiping away her own tears. "You'll call us, right? If something changes, you'll call?" She looked over to Alex.

"I'm actually going home too, but I'll make sure that Bailey knows to call us. And I will call you." They were all a little shell-shocked. Everyone who was known for their strength and stoic demeanor even in the most sensitive of times, was breaking down.

"She's going to be okay." It was Jackson who finally spoke some hope into the room, "Meredith is going to be okay."

** GA ** GA ** GA **

The next few hours proved to be difficult for Derek as he struggled to make sense of everything. There wasn't any peace, either. There wasn't any time for him to just sit and have a few minutes alone with Meredith. Someone was always in and out of her room. If it wasn't the nurses constantly checking her vitals or monitoring her drains, it was one of the surgeons making sure that her condition wasn't changing.

Derek didn't mind Owen, Miranda, or Addison being concerned about Meredith and he was certainly glad they were all so attentive to her, but it began to wear on him. At first he didn't say anything about it. For the first few hours post-op he didn't say a word when they came in, just let them do whatever it was that they were doing.

After a while though, he reached a point where he could no longer deal with the constant interruption and constant flow of traffic in and out of a room. It was Dr. Hunt who got the lecture. "Can you not do that?"

Owen paused when he walked in, Meredith's chart in hand. He stopped before he got near her bed, looking over at Derek with a look of confusion on his face. "Do what?"

"Can you, the three of you, stop coming in here every ten minutes? The doors are glass. You can see straight through them. The monitors feed to the nurses station. You can see her vitals there. I'm a doctor, a surgeon, in case you forgot. So if something goes wrong, I know how to press a button or start doing..something." He sighed, realizing that he was probably coming across rudely. He didn't mean to stir up trouble. He just, wanted some quiet. "I know you're worried about her. All of you are. And I know you want to check on her every five seconds. But I can't take it anymore. And the constant activity, isn't good for her either. So if you could just limit your trips."

Dr. Hunt was caught off-guard by Derek's sudden snappy remarks, but he didn't blame him. He knew that if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same way, so he didn't take his comments personally. "I'm sorry." He sighed, realizing just how fragile Dr. Shepherd was. "You're right. I'll make sure that we limit the amount of traffic through here." For Derek's sake, he didn't bother to check everything while he was standing there. He simply walked out of the room and slowly slid the glass door shut behind him.

Derek let out a small sigh of relief, grateful that he hadn't put up much of a fight about his request. It wasn't that he didn't want Meredith to get the best care possible. He just needed everything to go away. Even if it was just for an hour or so, he needed it to stop. And the neurosurgeon in him knew that she needed rest. She needed things to be calm, and quiet. "Maybe that will keep them out for a while." He spoke quietly, knowing, or hoping, that somehow she could hear him. "Everything's going to be okay, Meredith." He took her hand again before closing his eyes, leaning back in his chair some.

I apologize for this being a much shorter chapter than the last one, but it's sort of an in-between chapter. I'm using it simply to bridge the gap between the accident, the death, the surgery, and the shock of everything.

Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter! As always, please keep them up. They are the motivation to keep posting. :)

* Revised 6/2017