A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed, and favorited this universe.

Derailed

Chapter 14: Bold Words

~ Catspook

"So," Archie said, "Can you tell me why you are here?" He addressed the question to Bae, who had already begin to pick at his sleeve and refused to look up. Rumplestiltskin held his cane in front of him, toying with the handle in a similar manner. Belle sat next to him, but had taken her own corner of the couch. Archie did not think she was avoiding Rumplestiltskin but rather intended to communicate to Bae that she would not take sides.

"My father lied to me. Again," Bae said.

"About Henry's parentage?"

"Yes. And the Hat. But that was, maybe, three days? He lied about Nate for over a year, and he never meant to tell me; he admitted that."

Archie looked at Rumplestiltskin. His head was lowered in guilt, with no trace of defensiveness. "Do you perceive Bae's description as accurate?" Archie asked him.

He nodded grimly. "Yes. I was aware at the time that he would want to know, but when Miss Swan asked me to lie, I went along with it, and gladly."

"Why?"

"Why else?" Bae asked in exasperation. "He was trying to 'protect' me."

"Is that accurate?"

"Yes," Rumplestiltskin admitted.

"Would you do it again?"

"Knowing what I know now? Obviously not. But in another circumstance, with only the knowledge I had at that time? I can't say I wouldn't."

"At least you admit it," Bae said, slumping back in his chair.

"Yes," Archie said, "And that's important. It can be very difficult, to admit something that."

Rumplestiltskin looked at him, confused. In Archie's experience, many of his family therapy patients came in either expecting him to take their side or to back their family members against them; clearly Rumplestiltskin had expected Archie to back Bae. It was a struggle, sometimes, to explain that it was his job to remain as impartial as possible. "I know that the three of you have discussed the issue of keeping secrets before," Archie continued, "At that time, do you think this is something you would have been able to admit?"

"No…" Rumplestiltskin said softly.

"Bae, do you agree with that?"

"I… well, he didn't did he? So, yeah, that's a no."

"Do you consider this progress, then?" Bae and Rumplestiltskin looked at each other, and Archie felt encouraged by the dawning hope he saw between them.

Bae threw himself back into his chair. "But what good is it, if he's just going to do it again?" he asked helplessly. Rumplestiltskin bit his lip.

"Rumplestiltskin, can you explain why you thought withholding this information would protect Baelfire?"

"I… did not want him to know that he had been used in this way, or to feel that it obligated him to anything. He's already been through so much…"

"I already knew I'd been used, remember? Everything that Reul Ghorm did, we knew that."

"But this… Bae, they stole your essence."

"So? You think that was worse than Neverland?"

Rumplestiltskin blinked at him, clearly having thought so. "Does it surprise you, that Bae feels this way?" Archie asked.

"Well… yes. I thought…"

"Right," Bae said, "You thought. Maybe let me decide how a feel. Oh, wait, you'd have to tell me these things first."

The skin around Rumplestiltskin's eyes tensed, perhaps in preparation for tears. "I hadn't thought of it that way." Now Belle did take Rumplestiltskin's hand, rubbing it encouragingly.

"The next time something like this occurs, do you think you would be able to keep that in mind?" Archie asked him. "Your feelings are understandable. When Bae was small, it was your job to protect him from certain truths that he was not mature enough to handle. But Bae is nearly an adult now; the dynamic between you has changed. That can be challenging for any parent, but particularly for parents and children who have been separated for a long time."

Rumplestiltskin looked at him like he could not quite process what he was hearing. This was not the first time that Archie had seen such an expression on his face. During the time he had lost his memories of being the Dark One, he'd been similarly baffled by overtures of friendship and consideration. From what Archie knew, "I hear you" was not something Rumplestiltskin had heard often at any point in his life.

"I… will attempt to keep that in mind," he said, looking once more at his cane.

Archie looked at Bae. "Do you have more you want to say on this subject?"

Bae shook his head, biting at the corner of one of his nails. "Can we talk about the Hat, then? I gather your reasons for that were different," Archie said.

"I panicked," Rumplestiltskin said bluntly. "The Sorcerer had clearly left it for me to find, and I did not know why. I became convinced that the gods intended for me to use it, and my curse…" He trailed off

"Your curse?" Archie prodded. Bae and Belle both looked at Rumplestiltskin, concerned.

"It had its own agenda. I've always known that, of course, but recently… it wasn't separate from my own mind before… at least I didn't think it was, but now… it wanted me to do it. I tried to convince me that the gods' will could not be circumvented."

"It talks to you?" Bae asked.

"In some ways it always has, the memories for the other Dark Ones… carefully selected, I now know. But it is more distinct, now, yes." He admitted this as if he expected to be called out once more for keeping secrets. While it would be understandable of Bae to be upset about yet another example of this behavior, Archie hoped that it would not come to that. Rumplestiltskin seemed to understand now that he needed to be more forthright, but if he were punished every time he revealed a secret, he'd be less likely to continue on that path.

Bae said nothing. "How long has this been the case?" Archie probed. Perhaps this was a discussion more suited to an individual session, but the curse's effect on Rumplestiltskin had to be extremely relevant to the family dynamic.

"It began… after I took it back. It's become more clear since then."

Unexpectedly, Belle smiled. "Rumple, don't you see? You're rejecting it. It could masquerade as your own thoughts before, but now that you don't enjoy hurting people, it can't hide from you."

"I think that is an overly generous interpretation, my dear," he said.

"Why?" Archie asked.

Rumplestiltskin addressed his response to Belle. "You always see more goodness in me than is really there, Sweetheart…"

"No, I don't! I know there's darkness in you, Rumple; I've never said there wasn't. But look how far you've come! I knew you could, and you did."

"I believe we are here because I didn't."

"You kept secrets because you were scared; that's not dark, Rumple, that's human." He looked away.

"Do you disagree?" Archie asked him.

"Intent in meaningless," he said.

"Is it? As I understand it, in magic the specific emotion behind a spell is extremely important. Do I have that right?"

Belle hid a smile as Rumplestiltskin admitted, "You do."

Archie continued. "It's clear that you all love each other very much, and you're willing to work on improving your relationship. I've been getting the impression that you want to be more open with Bae and Belle, but fear holds you back. Am I wrong?"

"What I want doesn't matter, only what I do," Rumplestiltskin said.

"You're mistaken," Archie said gently. "What you want does matter; it is in fact central to this process. I can direct you to studies that demonstrate how our attitudes influence our behavior; would you like to see some of them? I think you may find some parallels to the practice of magic."

That caught him off guard. He looked at Archie, bewildered. Belle squeezed his hand and asked, "You do want to be more open, don't you, Rumple?"

"Yes, I…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Wanting something does not make it so. I never wanted to be a coward, but that is what I am. Even you cannot deny that, Belle."

"I do deny that! A coward does not hold on to hope for three hundred years! A coward does not do everything in his power to apologize to his son when he does not know that he will be forgiven. I coward would not have agreed to give up the power of the Dark One. A coward would not have-" her voice broke, "-given the dagger to Cora to save us. And a coward would not get up every day, after everything you've been through, and keep trying. You're not a coward, Rumple; I wish I'd never called you that." She took a tissue from the box on the side table and dabbed her eyes and wiped her nose. Rumplestiltskin had begun to cry too, but he did not move.

"It's not a useful word," Bae said, his feet pulled up into his chair. "You said that," he added, pointing to Archie.

"I did. If someone is acting out of fear, labeling them a coward achieves nothing except to convince them that the problem is intrinsic to themselves, and thus unsolvable. The actual solution is to help them cope with their fear. And on a personal note, I've witnessed children and grown men alike use accusations of cowardice to spur each other to engage in destructive and even violent behavior. I don't think it's a useful word at all."

Smiling wetly, Belle pulled Rumplestiltskin's pocket square from his jacket and handed it to him. Robotically, he wiped his face and blew his nose. There was something more than surreal about seeing the Dark One as vulnerable as this. The fact that he was willing to let Archie see it in order to improve things with his family was perhaps the most encouraging thing. Belle was right; Rumplestiltskin was no coward.

Archie gave him a moment to gather himself, then followed up on his initial question. "Do you have any other reason to believe that your new awareness of your curse is related to anything other than a change in your own motivations?"

Rumplestiltskin took some care refolding his pocket square as he considered the question. "It was very eager for me to use the Hat. When I accused it of attempting to manipulate me into doing so, it went quiet. I do wonder if it is speaking up more now because it has always planned for this."

"So it does talk to you?" Bae asked, "Like someone else in your head?"

"Sometimes," Rumplestiltskin said, still looking down.

Belle put her hand on his wrist, and he put his other hand over hers. "We can break it," she said. "The Kiss will free you."

"No," Rumplestiltskin said hastily. Following up quickly with, "I don't think the gods will allow it."

"Can they stop the Kiss?" Belle asked.

"I don't know, but they can certainly resurrect the curse once it's been broken. Even I didn't know that was possible. I don't know how Zelena could have, unless that information was provided to her."

"Too many coincidences," Bae said.

Rumplestiltskin nodded. "Exactly."

"We can leave Storybrooke," Belle suggested. "Your curse will go dormant once you cross the town line, won't it?"

"At this point? I truly don't know. It may have been speaking to me the whole time, I simply could not recognize it. And I…"

"Yes?"

"I…" Rumplestiltskin glanced a Bae.

"No more secrets," Belle said kindly. "Whatever it is, you can tell us."

"I need it. For now." He glanced at Bae, again, expecting, perhaps, rage or condemnation, but Bae only nodded, resigned.

"Why?" Belle asked him.

"You know the answer to that," he said quietly.

"You haven't been eating or sleeping." He nodded, and Archie took note of it.

Realistically, it was extremely likely that Rumplestiltskin would develop some form of PTSD from his time as Zelena's captive. Archie had already noticed some jumpiness and hyperawareness of his surroundings, but he had not known that Rumplestiltskin was hiding such profound physical symptoms. It was too early a diagnosis, but the sooner the possibility was addressed, the better. "Can you talk about that?" Archie asked, "Or would that be more suited to an individual session?"

Rumplestiltskin looked at him with wide eyes. "You're allowed to say 'no'," Archie said. "You've experienced a severe trauma. It's understandable if you're not ready to talk about it."

"We're here because I was not forthright," he said carefully.

"Being more forthright does not mean that you must relinquish your privacy completely. Information that directly affects your family needs to be shared, but processing trauma is about the individual. Would you be willing to see me privately?"

Bae looked at his father hopefully. Belle smiled and stroked his hands. "Please try, Rumple. I'm worried about you. We both are."

He bowed his head, and Archie saw more defeat in his posture than he felt comfortable with, but Rumplestiltskin said, "All right."

Archie smiled at him. "Excellent. I can make an appointment with you after this session."

Smiling, Belle rubbed Rumplestiltskin's shoulder. "Thank you, Rumple. That was brave." He watched her, disbelieving. No one spoke, and the rising tension in the room called for a change of subject.

"With the number of crises and traumas your family has experienced, I believe it is especially important that the three of you spend quality time together," Archie said, "Can you tell me the kinds of things you have been doing since you got back?"

"Schoolwork," Bae said immediately, sheepishly admitting, "I'm way behind. And movies. And Monopoly, once." Rumplestiltskin smiled enigmatically.

"And how did that go?"

"Fine?" Bae asked, looking at his father and Belle. They nodded. "Fine."

"That's excellent. Fun is important, and it's easy to forget that. I strongly recommend that you continue to take the time to do these things together. Belle, I haven't heard much from you. Do you have anything you want to say about anything we've discussed so far?"

"Just that I'm very proud of both of you," she said to Rumplestiltskin and Bae. They both ducked their heads, and for a moment, the resemblance was uncanny.

"I am too," Archie agreed. "All three of you. It's not often that everyone in a family is willing to work at this the way you are."

"You think it will get better, then?" Bae asked shyly.

"Bae, I am certain of it."

Rumplestiltskin hadn't expected the session to go as well as it did. He also didn't expect to be roped into individual sessions, but he could hardly refuse when Belle had begged him like that. After it was over, they returned to the shop, and Rumplestiltskin felt his gut clench, half-expecting to find another doll waiting outside. There was nothing.

They went inside, Belle smiling and flittering around like a songbird. Rumplestiltskin looked outside at the gray, November sky. He'd missed the entire summer.

They'll be other summers.

He wanted to do something for Belle. They'd be lost without her; he knew that for a fact. He caught her wrist playfully as she hurried by him, a duster in her hand. "Yes?" she asked coyly.

"Thank you," he said, at a loss for any other words.

"Oh, Rumple." She put the duster down and touched his face lightly. She'd figured out by now that running her hand through his hair or, especially, caressing his jaw caused him to tense up. She'd never asked about it, but that didn't matter when she knew why. He didn't know how she could bear to touch him. "I meant what I said today. I'm so proud of the both of you. How many people have let their families fall apart for foolish, petty reasons, and the two of you keep trying, after suffering so much?"

"I couldn't do it without you," he said.

"Oh, I'm sure-" she protested.

"Neither could I," Bae said. "We need you."

Her eyes grew bright. "I need you too. Both of you."

"Let me do something for you," Rumplestiltskin blurted out.

"Rumple, you don't have to do anything."

"I want to. Please. What do you want? Anything. Name it."

"I don't need anything more than what I already have," she insisted.

"That's not what he asked, " Bae pointed out teasingly. "What do you want?"

"Oh. I suppose I just want to spend time with you. Like Archie said. Let's play another game tonight."

That's all? He wanted to give her everything. Jewels. A palace. Every book in the worlds. But all he said was, "Of course."

She kissed him briefly. "And I thought we could try Chinese again tonight. We'll have to go to the grocery on the way home, if that's all right?"

"Of course it is," although he knew why she had asked for Chinese. He'd been able to eat more of that meal than any other since he'd been back. What she really wanted was for him to be whole again, and that was the one thing he could not give her.

She kissed him again, then flittered away, picking up the duster again. Bae already had his math book out, so Rumplestiltskin turned to him, and they fought with that until it was time to close.

They ran into the outlaw and his wife and son at the grocery.

Rumplestiltskin didn't know why, but he found Marion unnerving. Perhaps it was because she did not belong in this time and yet the gods had had allowed her to be brought here. Perhaps his curse didn't like her. Or perhaps he was simply an old monster that didn't know how to cope with gratitude.

"Thank you again, for healing my heart," she said, standing closer to him than he was comfortable with. He took a half step back and placed his cane between her and himself. She only smiled.

"You're welcome," he said coldly. Not put off in the least, she only smiled wider.

"This world has such a great variety of food," she said, "Especially in the winter."

"You haven't experienced a full Maine winter yet. They are much harsher than Sherwood winters. You may find the woods less hospitable than you think." He glanced at Roland. As someone who had struggled to keep his son warm through Frontland winters (which were more similar to Maine winters, although still not as harsh), he thought they were daft for keeping their boy outdoors all night when the second curse had granted all the outlaws perfectly serviceable homes.

"So we've been told," Robin said. "Granny has offered the inn if it comes to that."

"Or maybe he's right, Robin," Marion said. "We're not outlaws here; there's no reason we can't give Roland a real home."

"The men are uncomfortable in these new buildings."

"And what about Roland?" Marion looked at the boy, "Would you like to live in a warm house this winter?" she asked sweetly. Too sweetly. Rumplestiltskin's grip in his cane tightened involuntarily.

Roland looked at her then at his father. "I liked the castle."

Belle giggled lightly, taking Rumplestiltskin's arm. He had not begrudged the boy his castle; it was the boy's father he hadn't wanted snooping through his things. "The castle is in another land, remember?" the outlaw said.

"Can we find another one? Winter is cold."

"There are no castles in Storybrooke. To be honest," the thief confided to Rumplestiltskin, "We'd been hoping to find passage back to the Enchanted Forest before winter arrived. I don't suppose you know of a way?"

"Barring the giant's ability to grow more beans and the Sorcerer's intervention, I do not. You're in this world for the foreseeable future; I suggest you adapt to it."

"He's right," Marion said, flashing him another unsettling smile. "We need to try to build a life here. It's only fair, for Roland's sake. He's already going to school; he should have a home."

"Perhaps you're right," the thief said with a sigh. "I should speak to R- Mary Margaret about living quarters. I know that they are struggling to find places for all those who came over as monkeys."

"We can help," Belle said. "Rumple owns a lot of properties." She looked at him hopefully. He didn't have it in him to deny her anything. And it was a distraction; something to do in the late hours other than simply listen to the voices of his curse. He knew it rebelled at the thought of helping anyone (without proper compensation, of course), especially someone who had stolen from him. Perhaps Rumplestiltskin could find satisfaction in that.

"I'll look into it," he said.

"Thank you," Marion said again, reaching out to touch his hand.

He felt a stab of panic and snatched it away with a sharp gasp, snarling, "Don't touch me!"

She stumbled back, eyes wide, and looked pleadingly at her husband. "I'm s-sorry!"

Frowning, the thief pulled her behind him. "You did nothing wrong," he assured her, pinning Rumplestiltskin with a baleful glare.

"Rumple," Belle said softly, "It's all right." It's not.

"I'm sorry," Marion repeated, and something about the pitiable expression on her face ignited his temper. What right did she have to make herself out to be a victim when she'd dared touch the Dark One without permission? People had died for less than that.

Punish her.

Shut up!

Rumplestiltskin looked helplessly at Belle, who, bless her, seemed to know exactly what to do. "It was good to see you," she said to Robin and his family, positioning herself between Rumplestiltskin and them. "But we do have to finish our own shopping. I will get back to you when we know what properties are available."

"Thank you," the outlaw said stiffly. He was looking at Rumplestiltskin like he would a madman. I am a madman.

But she still had no right to touch him. Fear and anger - much of which was not from his curse, he was certain of this - seemed to have set his nerves aflame, and the strain of holding it back was staring to choke him. He stared at the ground, gripping his cane so tightly he expected the metal to crumple under his hand. He did not look up until the thief and his lady were at the end of the aisle. For a split second, Rumplestiltskin thought he saw Marion smirking at him, but surely he was imagining it. In the next moment, she looked back at her husband, meek as a mouse.

Stop! I just want it stop!

Pathetic. Weak. Coward.

Slaughtering an innocent woman is not courage!

Are you sure she's innocent?

I know you're not.

He jumped at Belle touched his shoulder. "Rumple? Are you with me?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine." He wasn't. They both knew it.

"Do you want to go home?"

"Once we're finished here."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"All right. The next thing we need is… dried mushrooms."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so broken.

Pathetic spinner. You will never be loved. You are nothing.

I am loved, even if I don't deserve it. And if I am nothing, you are less than that. As long as this curse is mine, I will never give you what you want, dearie.

Bold words from a coward.

Coward I may be, but you need me.

You will never be happy. You destroy everything that you touch.

Then I'll destroy you.