La Douleur Exquise

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

A/N - Any feedback is appreciated! Let me know what you think!

Chapter fourteen

Sam quickly stepped in front of me, blocking Dean's view and turning slightly to make sure I was ok. I looked up into this hazel eyes, silently begging him to get Dean away from me.

He turned, his back facing me. "You need to go,"

"What? No, I..." Dean mumbled, trying to look past Sam, trying to see if it was really me.

I stumbled back until i hit the wall, my eyes wide and my heart beating wildly in my chest. He knew I was here, he must have been watching Sam, watched him come into my room. How dare he have the nerve to knock on my door after what he did, I thought, my hands clenching into fists by my side. I wasn't going to let this asshole carry on ruining my life. Taking a deep breath, I straightened up and placed my hand on Sam's arm. "It's ok, Sam."

I looked up into his bright green eyes, still as beautiful as I remembered. He looked good, a little tired, but good. It all came flooding back to me, how much fun we used to have. Watching crappy movies together, laughing and joking, flirting and teasing each other. It made me smile but also made my heart ache for something that was never there to begin with. He didn't think of the same memories with fondness like I did. He thought of them as nothing, a part of his game to fuck with my head.

"Hello Dean."

He looked shocked at the sight of me, his mouth dropping open and his eyes wide. "Ada...I..."

I smiled sweetly at him before drawing my fist back and punching him square in his pretty face, the sound of my fist connecting with his face incredibly satisfying.

His hands flew up to his face, pinching his bloody nose. I heard Sam snort before stepping back in front of me and grabbing Dean's arm. "I'll talk to you in the morning, ok?" he said as he dragged Dean away from my room. "Don't disappear on me, Ada."

I nodded and closed the door, slipping on the latch just in case Dean tried to come back. Not that he would, of course. But it made me feel a little better. I slumped on the sofa. Seeing him standing there, I knew for sure I still loved him. And I knew I had a decision to make. If I stay and work the case with them both or leave and let them handle the case by themselves.

My head told me to run. To run as far away as possible. He had hurt me beyond repair and seeing him only exacerbated my feelings. I didn't know if I could work the case with them when I still loved him. For him to see me weak and broken because of him, I didn't want to give him more reasons to mess with my head.

But my heart, my broken, poorly stitched together heart told me to stay. To work with the boys and finish the case.

I sighed, already knowing my answer. I needed to confront the pain of what he did head on otherwise it would haunt me forever.

Standing, I rummaged through my bag for my pyjamas, stripping out of my suit and throwing it over the back of the sofa. I'd have a shower in the morning, I thought climbing into bed and pulling the covers up. I was exhausted, the events of the day catching up to me. My eyes closing and I gave into sleep, trying not to think of what tomorrow would bring.

So much for a good nights sleep, I thought as I laid on my bed staring up at the chipped ceiling. I'd had maybe two to three hours, waking after having re-lived that day at the bunker in my nightmares. And I'd been unable to fall asleep again after that.

Picking up my phone from the bedside table, I checked the time; 5:18am. I sighed and sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Suppose I better shower, I've got a long day ahead of me. I plodded over to the bathroom and turned on the shower before looking at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. My eyes were puffy from crying and lack of sleep, my skin pale and lacklustre. I could easily have passed as a zombie extra for The Walking Dead.

Stripping off my pyjamas, I stepped under the hot water, relishing the feel of the water beating down against my body before grabbing my shampoo and giving my hair a good wash. What was that song? 'I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair and send him on his way.'

Pity I couldn't do it in real life.

Walking back into the room wrapped in a towel, I pulled out a pair of jeans and a plain whit t-shirt. I knew at some point today I'd have to go see the sheriff but I'd be damned if I was going to be in that uncomfortable suit the whole day. I was still humming the song as I dried my hair, just about hearing the knock on the door. Walking over, I peeped a look and saw Sam in his running gear waiting patiently for me to open the door.

He flashed me his dimpled smile and went to hug me, frowning when I took a step back. "Ew, Sam. You're sweaty and smelly and I've just had a shower."

Looking slightly offended, he smelt his armpit, turning his head away in disgust at the smell. "Sorry,"

We sat down at the table and I picked up my brush. "So..."

"So..."

"How's his nose?" I asked grimacing. "I didn't break it, did I?"

Sam let out a laugh. "No, not broken. Although his ego took a hit."

I shook my head, smiling at him. "Damn, I have to remember to hit harder next time."

His smile dropped a little. He looked uncomfortable, not knowing how I would react to his next question.

I let out a long sigh. "I know what you're going to say Sam. Or ask even. I thought about it a lot last night."

He raised his eyebrows. "Have you decided? You know I'd love to work this case with you..."

"I know Sammy," I said quietly. "I...I...I'm not going to say it's not hard. But I've got to face this head on, I'm sick of feeling weak because of what he did. I'm not going to be a coward and run away this time, so I'll work the case with you both. But on one condition,"

"Ok..."

I looked at him. "We concentrate on the case, that's all. I don't want to talk about anything else."

He nodded. "I can work with that, and I'll make sure Dean keeps it strictly business."

Fiddling with my t-shirt, I looked down. "Did he...did he say anything to you?"

He was quiet for a minute. "Would you believe me if I told you?"

I shrugged. "Probably not. His words...what he said...I hear them every night Sam. And every night, my heart breaks a little bit more. Is it stupid that I still love him?"

Sam reached over and grabbed my hands. "Feelings are never stupid Ada. They just make us feel stupid sometimes."

Nodding, I looked up at him. "Well then, I feel really stupid." Sighing, I rubbed my temples. "Ok, lets get the ball rolling. I'll come to you in about 20 minutes? Gives you time to shower and me to psyche myself up to see Dean again."

"Are you sure about this Ada?" he asked, concerned about how this was going to play out. "No. But I've been here for a few days, I know more about the case than the two of you, plus it will save us some time. I need to suck it up and concentrate on the case."

He stood up and walked over to the door. "20 minutes?"

Smiling, I nodded. "20 minutes."