AN: Some sexual connotations in Serenity'a monologue about opening up and accepting. Take it as you will. I'm trying to work more symbolism and sexuality into this as this story will be taking that turn rather shortly. And yes, Joey's hands are horrible and flakey and form cleaning toilets
I haven't spoken to Seto since we've kissed.
I've avoided him, really. It's not hard to do considering how he works himself until he's weak, grouchy and struggling to hold a pen steady because of the level of caffeine his veins. Seto has no outlet, nothing to relieve the stress boiling just under his well polished exterior. There's a fearful beauty in something so alive and fiery, and it reminds me just how dead and empty I feel without him.
Even though Seto spends his days drowning in the oceans of paper work and endless meetings, he always stops in for a few coveted moments with Mokuba during the evenings. It's never nearly long enough for either of them and as Seto struggles to bed, Mokuba is left on his own, doodling a superhero called "Kaibaman" and staring into the night with large, lonely eyes.
Mokuba is starving for any attention his brother will give him. My heart pangs because I see myself in him: a small, lonely kid who wants nothing more than sibling closeness and all the comforts and stability it brings. I find myself more and more attached to him, and I try my best to give him the praise and attention that we both crave.
Seto was my first kiss, and the magic and the realness of it has created a sharp divide in my mind. My heart soared and flip-flopped, but when it landed I was faced the stark reality of what had happened. In realistic terms, I'm nothing to him. I can just imagine the regret he has about me. I'm a child in his mind— only two or three years older than his younger brother – and it's evident in my stick straight figure and juvenile fantasies.
You're fragile. Seto told me that.
Seto told me I was beautiful too, But he also used the word despondent. Despondent brings about imagines of poor hapless souls, wondering around in the bleak grayness. I guess that's what I am, so why then does that word despondent bring about thoughts of doubt? He still said beautiful, but something about the word despondent makes me uneasy.
Everything about him makes me uneasy though. Isn't that what love is about? My emotions are so intense that they are distressing, painful even. I like him, I love him, I want him. I can't see the world through right and wrong anymore because there is only Seto and that wonderful comfort that he brings. I can't control the insanity in my heart and I feel utterly powerless against myself.I see Seto in my dreams: standing with his arms crossed and that calm defiant smirk. I wish that I could have that. I wish that he would be the control in my life.
Control isn't always a bad thing, right?
But still Seto kissed me. Intimacy doesn't begin to describe what we shared between us. He opened up to me, and I accepted him. Our minds joined and our lips moved together. For that moment, we were perfectly in synch. So why is it that he won't even look in my direction? Why can't I get the nerve to speak to him?
Was it all imaginary? Am I going crazy? I spend my days walking on glass, tiptoeing around the broken dreams I created for myself. I hold on to what I have, what's concrete and not what I've imagined. I'll always have Joey. He's the only family I have left, and I'll do anything and everything to hold the remnants of this broken family together. I will beg whoever I have to beg, I will do whatever I have to do. We will stay together, even if the world crashes down around us.
I wonder what mom would do if she could see us now: homeless, powerless, and fighting over what to do with what remnants of our lives. What would mom do if she saw me and Joey together? When I was younger, I heard her talking to the gossipy old ladies at the church about Joey was just a "bad seed", and he was destined to be like our father. I look over at Joey. He is not a bad seed. Mom may not have been perfect, but I loved her dearly, and her death has thrown me out of quiet suburbia and into an existence that tethers between gilded luxury and bleak destitution.
"Joey," I finally speak. I look over at him on the opposite end of the couch. He's been so tired recently. It seems like everything good that I feel is being drained from him. My fingernails have grown long and seashell pink, whereas he's looks like they are peeling off his fingertips. I'm finally gaining some healthy weight, whereas he's losing it rapidly. I feel joy, he's perpetually fatigued. Is it that I'm a leech to him?
Joey doesn't make a formal acknowledgement to his name; he just grunts and flips another page in his magazine that I know he's not reading. "How did mom die?" I finally ask.
Joey throws the magazine and it lands on the modern art coffee table. There's a stack of glossy periodicals spread out in a perfect fan. Most have Seto on the cover, and all have some manner of praise for KaibaCorp written across the front in giant block letters. Joey's discarded magazine lands out of line, distorting perfection. I don't like the symbolism.
He meets my eyes and shakes his head. We have the same eyes: hazel with flecks of gold and odd streaks of blues and greens. It's a nice physical affirmation of our familial relation. He is my brother, and despite our spats, we have that sibling that can never be broken. At the moment it may be tense and weak, but the thread that ties us together lives on.
"I don't know," He says quietly.
I purse my lips. "I suppose it doesn't really matter," It doesn't matter really. Whether it was an accident or illness doesn't change the fact that Mom is dead, but I'm still here wondering how I'm supposed to start my life over when it hadn't really started for me to begin with. I'm sixteen, and with my extended stints in hospitals for one reason or another, I have no life skills. The best I can do is try to patch together a semi-functioning family from Joey and myself.
Joey shakes his head. "No, I know you. You want to know. I do too. Even if we can't do anything about it now, it's some kind of closure, or whatever you want to call it." He reaches over and squeezes my hand.
Were his hands always this rough? I look down at where his hand rests on my own, and my God they look horrific. He may as well have stuck them in a fire with all the red and flakey irritation that splotches his skin. On the back of my hand, I can feel the roughness and cracks on his palm. It feels scratchy and disgusting like dried snaked skin. "What on earth happened to your hands?"
Joey pulls away quickly. "Chemical burns," He says nonchalantly, as if burning the top layer of his skin off with chemicals is completely normal.
"How did you get a chemical burn?" There's no place he should be that he would be handling substances that abrasive. His hands are atrocious, and even his fingernails are brittle and peeling. I know cleaning products sometimes can chaff your skin, but that's usual only industrial strength and even then his hands are I know Joey's not the type to be doing any cleaning.
"Eh, with me there's no telling. You know I get into stuff."
I say nothing. My heart tells me he's hiding something. Why else would he jerk his hand away from mine so quickly? But at the same time, Joey is a rough and tumble guy – he always has been. He's rambunctious and it's more than possible that he's just damaged his hands more than normal. It doesn't change how horrible they look and feel. Does it hurt him? I hope not. We sit in silence for a while, not knowing what to say.
"I think I know how I can find out about mom." Joey breaks the silence first. He looks at me with a wicked grin. "Mai Valentine"
"The duelist?" I ask. Mai Valentine is the goddess of dueling. She's beautiful, sexy, and talented. She and Seto have crossed paths a few times, and with as attractive and confident as those two are, I wonder why they haven't hooked up. I always feel a little inadequate when I'm near her, but that's quickly forgotten when she shows how warm and open she is.
"Yep, that's her. She's a nurse when she's not trying to rake in quick cash with duels. If mom went to a Domino Hospital, she'd be on record somewhere. I can get Mai to pull the charts."
"That's illegal," I frown.
Joey waves his hand dismissively. "Trust me, I know illegal, and it's only illegal if you get caught,"
It seems like every day that I get reminded of Joey's old life. I know that he "knows illegal", and I'm trying to forget that. Either way, I nod.
"And Mai's a smart girl, she won't let it slip. Besdies do you wanna know or not?"