No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself. It's like your shadow. It follows you everywhere. –Komura

Chapter 14

Kyle took a deep breath and blurted out, "Dad...was you ever abused as a kid?"

Horatio gasped, he hadn't expected this. He shut his eyes for a minute, then sat up straight, rested his elbows on the desk and with the left side of his face leaning into his left hand, and his right hand fingers kneading his forehead, he gave a huge sigh, and stuttered, "I er - I er."

Kyle seeing his dad in anguish knelt down in front of him saying, "Dad I am so sorry...I shouldn't have asked."

Sighing again, Horatio looked Kyle straight in the eyes. "It's alright Kyle; I guess this day had to come. But before I tell you, what made you ask this question?"

"Shit"...muttered Kyle to himself, now he was going to have drop John and Sharon in it to some extent. Sitting back in his chair however, he told his dad there had been some discussion at his place the night before about the abuse case he was dealing with, and he had laid awake later thinking about him, and wondering why he seemed to be so upset about the Clayton case.

"I understand you have a total dislike for abusers Dad, as we all do, but this one seems to have been worse for you. I also understand it is probably because Mark was involved, but when Sharon mentioned that you had given Tommy extra special attention yesterday, I couldn't help wondering, and the wondering just won't go away."

"Kyle, you should know that I am aware that you know about the threat on Tommy. John told me this morning out of loyalty to me. He is a good friend.

At that, moment, there was a knock on the door. Horatio stood up and on opening the door found Tommy outside. "Dad, when are you and Kyle coming back?"

"Not yet son," Horatio replied, forcing a smile for Tommy. "Kyle and I are having a long talk about something. Go and get your mom for me please."

A few seconds later Aileen appeared.

"Aileen, can you make my apologies to John and Sharon, and tell them to make themselves comfortable. Turn the television on or play some music whatever they feel like doing, and ask them to keep an eye on Hannah for you, as I want you to come back here please Sweetheart. I have to tell Kyle something about my past life and I would like you by my side."

While waiting for Aileen to return Horatio stood and gazed out of the study window, lost in thought.

Kyle was getting worried, his dad looked as if he was far away somewhere in a painful place, and he was wishing he had never asked the question now, and at the same time wondering why his dad wanted Aileen to join them.

"Okay, I'm here now," said Aileen entering the study and straight into an embrace from Horatio as he reached her on moving away from the window.

Then releasing Aileen, he bade her to sit in the swivel chair, and pulling up another chair next to her, but in front of Kyle he grabbed her right hand into his left, and held it tight.

Kyle cast a worried look at Aileen, and Horatio said, "It's alright Kyle, Aileen knows all of what I am about to tell you. Just after you went back to Afghanistan, there was an instance when I lost my temper, in front of her and Tommy over another abuse case, and I had to tell her so that she knew who she was getting involved with and had the choice to move herself and Tommy far away from me. But she chose to stay and still get married to me...thank God."

"I knew this day would come sometime Kyle. Family skeletons have a way of needing to come to the surface eventually. What I am about to tell you though, is in truth very hard for me, but I will tell you the whole truth and then you will know that I am not the man you think you know, and I admit I am scared shitless that you will want to move out of my life."

Aileen arched herself backward, so that Horatio couldn't see her head for a minute, and shook her head from side to side in an attempt to let Kyle know that would not be the case.

"Kyle, as you know I was born in New York, as was your late uncle Raymond. My mother was Irish and born in New York, but my father was a first generation Irish immigrant, and times were not always easy for immigrants - jobs were scarce - it was not the utopia many immigrants expected. Many of them would start to drink as a way of passing the time, but my father learned to drink excessively and with the drinking, became violently abusive. All three of us, my mother, Raymond and myself, felt his fists countless times - and many times, I bunked off school so that no one would see the bruises."

Kyle interrupted. "Is that long scar and other scars on your back as a result of abuse by your dad?"

Aileen put her free hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp, thinking Kyle had taken it a step too far.

But Horatio now resigned to the fact he was speaking openly to Kyle didn't shirk from answering and squeezing her hand even tighter, letting her know he had heard her and that it was alright he continued...

"Oh Yeah...My father didn't only know how to use his fists he knew how to thrash you with the buckle end of his belt. Hence, the long scar."

"On that occasion he whacked me so hard that the sharp prong on the buckle got stuck inside my skin, and he just drew the buckle down my back ripping the skin open all the way down, and he laughed as he did it. He fucking laughed, and laughed. That was the only time ever that my mother called the local doctor after my father had gone out. He was used to seeing results of beatings in the community, and kept his mouth shut, but he did tell my mother she really had to stop letting my father get away with such violence, but she never did, she just carried on taking the beatings and allowing us to suffer as well. I have said this over and over again, and I will keep saying it, I don't understand mothers allowing this to happen, you see it time and time again, and I don't know how we can stop it."

Horatio paused for a moment and then continued. "As I got older, taller and stronger though it wasn't quite so easy for him, and I warned him many times that I would end up killing him one day if he continued to hit my mother or Raymond who was ten years younger than me."

"Eventually I got out of there, as did Raymond, but I used to go back home regularly to see my mother. One day just over 30 years ago now, I went home and caught the bastard beating her so bad that it looked like he was killing her, and he was. I intervened and got into a fight with him and after a few punches, my final punch to his jaw caused him to fall down and crack his head on the floor, which killed him. It was too late to save my mother though. She died in my arms, and her last words to me were, "Don't let hate for your father fester and ruin your life Horatio. He was once a good man, until the drink became habitual."

"I hugged her tight Kyle, and whispered to her that she asked too much, and I have continued to hate him ever since, and every time I see an abused kid my anger spills over. I'll never forget her words, but much as I loved her, she did ask too much of me."

"Luckily for me the courts ruled that I had acted in self defence with regard to my father's death and done in an attempt to save my mother's life, so the case was closed, and I didn't get a criminal record and was allowed to continue my police career."

"But in my heart I know different. If he hadn't fallen, I would have killed him anyway. I so wanted the bastard dead that day and to this day I know that if he had managed to get up and continue fighting I would have pulled my gun and shot him."

"So now you know Kyle. Do you still want to recognise me as your dad, this man who had real murder in his heart for his own father?"

Kyle who had been listening quietly, but with anguish in his heart, stood up and kneeling down in front of his dad, leaned over and hugged him and with tears in his eyes and a croak in his voice whispered, "I couldn't have a better father. I love you." As he uttered these words, Kyle in a soothing gesture smoothed his hands over his dad's back and feeling the ridge of the long scar through his repeated, "I love you Dad and I will never walk away from you."

"Thank you son; I love you too. I love you very much."

"Incidentally, how did you know I have scars? I always keep a t-shirt on when lazing around, including sitting on the beach or swimming. The only person I allow to see them is Aileen."

Kyle sighed. He felt even more upset now, knowing that his dad had never wanted the world to see his scars. In truth, they were not vivid scars - Over the years, they had obviously paled but were clearly still raw to his dad.

"Dad, I only saw them by accident last year when we were at Crandon Park. When you finished swimming and changed your t-shirt, you turned your back towards me for a second not realising I was behind you. It was only a quick glimpse Dad, and they are pale, barely visible. I only saw them as I was very close to you at the time, and I didn't like to ask. I rather assumed you must have had some sort of accident at some time."

"Okay son. That will teach me to be not to be careless again."

"Dad, they really are very pale now, you shouldn't feel the need to keep them hidden."

Horatio just shrugged his shoulders.

"Kyle, I don't want you to repeat what you have heard here tonight to a single sole. You, Aileen and Cardinal Benedetti are the only three people alive who know about this. Your uncle Raymond, who you never had the chance to meet before he died, kept quiet about it so Yelina and Ray, junior have never known."

"Dad - didn't any of the neighbors try to help? They surely knew what was happening?"

"No doubt they knew Kyle, but back in those days, people kept what they knew to themselves."

"We had Grandparents on my mother's side – who I loved dearly. They were actually quite wealthy, and they hadn't wanted my mother to marry my father, but she went against their wishes. One day my grandmother asked me to visit her, shortly after my grandfather died, and she told me she knew what had been going on in our household and that over the years she had been angry with my mother for not getting out and taking Raymond and me with her. She told me that she and my grandfather would have supported us by giving us a home and financial help, but as she hadn't seen fit to do this there was no way my mother would inherit money from them. She did not want my father in turn to be able to inherit from my mother if she died before him, and she changed her will to make sure that didn't happen and left everything to me trusting me to do right by Raymond, and when she died, soon after my parents, I inherited, and of course I honoured her wishes where Raymond was concerned."

"So you know absolutely everything there is to know now Kyle. No skeletons left in the closet."

"To tell you the truth Kyle, I am not sure when I would have gotten round to telling you all this, but your question has pre-empted the situation. It's funny how shadows of the past have this mysterious way of finding daylight."

"Dad, this story makes me feel even worse than ever that I was nothing but trouble for you when we first met. Oh God, I am sorry I treated you so badly."

"Kyle, don't go there son, all our problems got sorted eventually."

"I believe we are destined to walk a path in life that eventually determines the person we become. I just hope the path I had to walk made me a half decent person."

"And look at you son, you had problems to overcome albeit different to mine, but difficult problems none the less, and look what a fine young man you have turned into, and a son to be very proud of."

Aileen squeezed his hand and lifting it to her mouth kissed it softly and said, "You are one hell of a decent man Horatio and never think otherwise."

"Sorry you had to listen to this all over again Aileen, but I needed you by my side. Thank you for being here."

Horatio stood up and Aileen and Kyle followed suit, and placing his arms around their shoulders he muttered. "Come on let's get back to our guests."

"Sorry about leaving you guys for a while," said Horatio when they returned to the lounge.

"Something came up that couldn't wait to be dealt with."

"Are you guys alright?" John asked.

"Yes John. All is good."

Aileen asked, "Where is Tommy?"

"He was tired Aileen so he went to bed of his own accord," said John. "But he did say to tell you not to forget to go and give him a good night kiss."

"Okay, I'll go and see him now."

Kyle followed Aileen, as he wanted to see his brother as well. He couldn't look at his dad at the moment; He just wanted to cry. They both crept quietly into his room in case Tommy was already asleep, but he wasn't, and he sat up straight away and asked, "Mum...Kyle... is Dad alright? He looked very sad when I saw him in the study."

"He's fine Tommy; he just had something he had to talk about with Kyle...about work" she lied as she looked across the bed at Kyle. "Lay down now and go to sleep."

Then they both kissed Tommy goodnight, and Kyle followed Aileen into the kitchen. He stood leaning against one of the counter tops thinking about his dad as he watched her making some chocolate drinks to take into everyone, and he suddenly gave a sob. Aileen went to him instantly and wrapped her arms around him. "Aileen that is so awful what happened to Dad, and I was such a bastard to him when I first found out he was my father." said Kyle now sobbing into her shoulder.

Aileen let him sob for a minute then cupped his face in her hands and drew it up so that he was looking at her. "Kyle, your dad just told you not to go there, and he meant it. You both had to learn that each other existed, and he loves you so much. I know from what he has told me that when he found out you were his son it tore him apart knowing he had never had a chance to be part of your earlier life. Look how he is with Tommy and Hannah; do you think for one minute he would not have loved having you in his life from your birth?"

"He is a very loving and compassionate man, and has an enormous amount of love to give to his own, and is so darned proud of the person you have become. He will not want you feeling sorry for him. Love him with your heart yes, but don't feel sorry for him, because that will eat away at you forever more, and he won't want that for you."

"I know how you are feeling. I felt sorry for him when he first told me, and I cried, but he does not like to see any of us crying about anything - he gets upset, he has seen too many tears in his life. I try not to cry about anything - not that your father has ever given me cause to cry, other than happy tears. The way I help him, is to always be there for him when he has a need to talk, and because of his background he needs to talk when he has had to deal with a case such as the Claytons, but this case is worse for him, Mark being Tommy's friend. Also, between you and me, your dad keeps tormenting himself about the possibility that Tommy might just have been there that Friday, when Clayton first attacked Stephanie and Mark. He gets scared for his family's safety; you know that by now Kyle."

Kyle drew in his breath for a second, believing Aileen knew about the threat to Tommy, but realising she didn't - he relaxed.

"He had an awful unhappy childhood Kyle and he darned well wants us to be a happy family. And I sure as hell want to make him happy."

"You do that alright Aileen. I have told you before how happy I am that you came into his life, and consequently mine as well. You are a very special lady. Thank you for being here for me also...I think us Caine's, really need you," said Kyle as he sniffed and wiped his eyes with his hands.

"Here Kyle, let me," said Aileen as she tore off a piece of kitchen roll paper and wiped his eyes, and then gave him a hug.

"I hope I become at least half the man he is."

"Kyle, never fear, you are a lot like your father, and you have a very kind heart just like him."

"Think we had better show ourselves," said Kyle now smiling. "I'll take the tray in for you."

When Aileen and Kyle had left the lounge, Horatio had continued talking to Sharon and John. "I'm sorry this week hasn't turned out the way we wanted it to for your visit, but for the next couple of days we will try and make it up to you by showing you some of the sights around here."

Sharon got up from the armchair she was sitting in, and moving across to him she touched his arm. "Don't be silly Horatio. There is no need for any making up to do as you call it. We love it here in the company of our very good friends." Then giving him a hug and smiling sweetly she added, "Besides, I want to do some shopping tomorrow with Aileen, if you and John will look after your daughter...I promise you we won't be long."

Horatio laughed, "You and your shopping trips," he said, remembering the shopping trip she and Aileen had arranged behind his, John's and Michaels back in New York before they were married.

"Okay have your shopping trip in the morning, and we will sort something out for the afternoon."

John looking at Horatio with raised eyebrows also laughed. His wife did like shopping, but he knew why she wanted to go out with Aileen. They still had a gift to buy for their friends.

"John, I fancy a whiskey. Would you like one?"

"That would be nice Horatio, thank you."

"Good...I keep it in the study...be back in a minute."

On his way to the study, he saw Aileen and Kyle emerge from Tommy's room. "We were just saying goodnight to him Horatio. He was asking after you."

"Okay, I'll pop in and see him now."

Tommy saw him enter his room and smiled as Horatio moved over to the side of his bed. He liked it when his dad came to say goodnight to him. He sat up and flung his arms around his neck saying, "I love you Dad. I asked mom if you were all right and she said you are. She is right isn't she?"

Horatio hugged him, and gently pushing Tommy back down, and leaning over the bed gave him a kiss on his forehead, and muttered. "Your mom is right; I'm fine, so try to go to sleep now it's getting late - I love you son."

Then Horatio went to his study, picked a bottle of whiskey up and two glass tumblers he kept in a small cocktail cabinet, fitted in amongst the bookshelves, and made his way back to the lounge, noting as he passed the kitchen that Aileen had her arms around Kyle. He frowned; it looked like Kyle was upset and he was not happy to see that. He guessed it was about their conversation, but he didn't go to see what was wrong, as whatever it was, Aileen appeared to be dealing with it, and they really had left their guests on their own way too long.

Just after he had poured a whiskey for himself and John, Kyle wandered in with a tray of chocolate drinks and placed the tray on the coffee table.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you already had drinks," said Aileen as she followed in close on the heels of Kyle.

"Aileen, don't worry," said John..."I can drink both, no problem."

"I didn't pour you a whiskey Kyle, because you will be driving."

"That's okay Dad, chocolate is fine for me."

After a few minutes of general chatting Horatio talking to Aileen said, "I know you and Sharon have a shopping trip planned for tomorrow morning," smiling as he noticed her give Sharon a quick look. "But I was thinking that in the afternoon we could go somewhere like the Palmetto Miniature Golf course?"

"If you don't like playing John and Sharon, it is set in lovely surroundings and we can just take in the scenery and it will get us all out together for a while. We go there sometimes just for a walk."

"That would be great," said John. "I haven't played that game for a very long time. It would be fun."

"Then on Friday I thought we could all go to one of the beaches for the day. You could discreetly feed Hannah in the car Aileen and we could sit on the grass or benches while anyone who wants to go down on the beach or for a swim can do so. What do you think?"

"I think it is a fabulous idea Horatio"

"Hannah is my main concern, but we can work around her well enough can't we?"

"I'll make sure we can Horatio."

"I like the idea a lot," said John, "haven't been swimming in ages either."

"Er - having said that, I don't have any swimming shorts."

"Just wear your boxer shorts John," Sharon muttered chuckling."I'll quickly sew the front up so you don't pop out," she added and burst out laughing and John actually blushed.

Horatio laughed aloud. "He can borrow a pair of mine. We are about the same size."

"I don't know what your position is Kyle; do you think you could join us. It would be nice for all of us to have a complete day together before the guys go home on Saturday."

"I would love to join you Dad. In fact, I will join you. It is my last day with Frank tomorrow. Then we get Friday off and return to the Academy on Monday. So it works out well."

Thus, the evening ended on a happy note, and Kyle drove Sharon and John back to his place in a lighter mood, and John and Sharon deliberately did not ask him any awkward questions.

In bed, later on, Kyle laid on his back looking up at the ceiling thinking about his dad. He had seen his dad in a terrible vulnerable state tonight and it was his fault, but in a way, he was glad that he had asked a difficult question, because he now fully understood his dad's sensitivity to abuse cases. He hoped his dad would feel better having spoken about his past life to him and understand that he had only asked out of concern for him.

It had been hard for him to listen - it hurt to know his dad had had a rotten childhood. It was no wonder he hated abusers. After a bad start, he had come to love his dad so much - he could not love him any more than he did right now. Then he thought about the relationship his dad had with Aileen. He had at first, wondered why he wanted her in the room tonight when he spoke to him, and then noticing how tight he was gripping her hand it became clear to him that his dad had needed her by his side because she gave him the strength to talk about his past.

Aileen had also given him some strength tonight. Turning over he smiled as he nestled his head into his pillow. His dad was one hell of a lucky man to have her in his life.

TBC