Chapter 13- Desperation (EPOV)

Mood Music: Beethoven's Romances- #1 in G, #2 in F, Reasons to Love you by Meiko

The message ended and he sat quietly staring at the phone. His hands began to shake. He couldn't do this to her, he couldn't tell her, couldn't hurt her, hear her cries. He placed the phone next to him on the bed, his hands tugging on his hair.

"Lunch is ready." He heard Tanya yell up the stairs.

He didn't move.

--

It had been a week, a very long week, since Edward had last seen or spoken to Bella. A week since Tanya had dropped the baby bomb and his world was flipped upside down. Edward knew he was being a coward, avoiding the one conversation he needed to have.

He couldn't break her, but he couldn't put it off any longer. The time and distance were killing him, slowly. He couldn't think of anything but Bella and the message she had left him. The thoughts consumed him as did his hatred of himself.

Edward rolled over looking at the clock on the nightstand, sighing in frustration. Looking at the empty bed next to him, he groaned forcing himself to grab his phone. He was a jerk for putting this off and he couldn't any longer.

The gentle ringing seemed to soothe his nerves and he silently crossed his fingers hoping for the answering machine. Then she answered.

"It's 4 am." She growled and he found himself steadying himself to the sound of her voice.

"I know and I'm sorry," Edward whispered as he stared at the ceiling "but I needed to talk to you."

"It's been a week, Edward." Bella's voice broke and suddenly his heart was shattered. He wanted to apologize, to tell her how much he loved her and missed her. Instead he replied softly with an "I know."

There was a small silence and he suddenly felt the need to explain, to make things right if only for the moment. "I've had to deal with some things before I could call you."

"I understand," her voice whispered melodically. "This will all be worth it in the end, when we can be together."

"I know its early Bella, but do you think Angela could watch Alice? I need to see you, to talk to you."

--

Edward had texted Bella the room number, not bothering to mention the fact that he had been staying there before he called her. He couldn't deal with all of this, let alone be in the same bed as Tanya while trying to do so.

Edward sat in the chase facing away from the door, stealing himself for the conversation that was going to come. He could feel the tears prickling his eyelids and he rubbed his palms harshly on them, pushing the feeling away.

He didn't deserve to cry.

Edward took a few breaths to steady himself and quickly put on the mask he had been wearing for the last week. Turning away from the door he looked out the window, memorizing every color and every pattern. He would never forgive himself for this day, for this moment.

"Edward," Bella spoke softly behind him and his heart lurched in his chest.

He turned to look at her and was taken back with how beautiful she really was. A week had been too long and Edward had no idea how he was going to do this, going to last. His heart and mind weren't meshing and he felt his body reaching for her.

"Bella, you made it." Speaking pulled him out of his revere and he put his hands back into his lap.

She reached out and gently touched his forehead and he felt a shock go through him. He winced away, immediately feeling guilty when he saw the hurt on her face.

"What's wrong, Edward?" her voice wavered as she spoke.

He steeled his jaw, preparing to tell her what a truly horrible person he was and how sorry he felt. But then their eyes met and all he could feel and see and think was how much he loved her. He lurched out of the chair, his lips meeting hers and his soul rejoiced.

Edward knew what he was doing was wrong, knew that she was going to hate him. Just one more moment, he told himself silently as he pressed her against the wall his body fitting perfectly with hers. 'One more moment before I lose her forever.'

Edward didn't trust his voice to speak, unwilling to admit what a horrible monster he was. His hands tangled in her hair and he pulled her to him tighter. He was losing control and he knew it but he couldn't pull away, he wouldn't pull away. Then it would be over.

He knew for all intense and purposes the moment he told her why she was here that he would lose her. He cried out then, against her mouth, in despair. She seemed to not understand as he felt her shiver from the sound and he suddenly found his hands under her shirt, all over her skin.

Pulling away he kissed every part of her body he could reach, memorizing the texture and taste. His breathing was ragged from holding back tears and all he could think was 'oh god, please forgive me.'

"Edward?" she whispered in his ear and he wondered if she could tell something was wrong.

He ignored the pain searing in his chest, ignored his brain which was shouting at him to stop, and gently pulled her t-shirt from her body throwing it on the floor. Edward continued to paw their clothes off ignoring the warning bells going off in his mind.

'I love you so much, I can't live without you, but I am going to have to.' His mind screamed as his arms locked around her tightly wanting to remember the feel of her body. 'Ask me to stay and I will, please god, ask me to stay.'

The moment he entered her he knew he would never feel alive again. He groaned in protest his heart breaking as he tried not to cry. Edward clenched his eyes tight, fighting back tears and focusing on feeling her this one last time.

Bella wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer, deeper into her than before. His breathing accelerated to match hers and he could feel her tightening around him. She cried out and he found his eyes opening to look at her, mesmerized by how she looked and felt.

Her name fell from his lips and suddenly he was crying. Edward pressed his forehead to hers, feeling her body molding with his and completing him.

"Oh god, Bella." Edward whimpered his heart breaking in his chest.

"Edward," she whispered against his lips, never breaking eye contact with him "I love you."

"I love you too," he moaned as his heart shattered and he released inside of her. He held her to him, his mind playing over what had just happened. He couldn't loathe himself anymore if he tried his body shook with dry sobs and he knew he had to move. Edward wrapped her body around his sitting in the chase, feeling himself go numb words tumbled from his lips.

'Oh god, what have I done.'

"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered "god do I love you. But you are going to hate me."

Next Chapter will be the "talk" between Edward and Bella..

The Sneak Peeks seem to be a hit, so I will be continuing to send them out! I can't wait to hear your thoughts on these two chapters!

Thanks To my Super Awesome Beta for these chapters: Ashley you are amazing, thanks for being patient with my mistakes and rambling and Ashlyn thanks for proving me wrong!