Johnny Cash Hurt +
+' Beth Orton So Long +
Sirius Black had made a promise when he was younger, to James Potter. Through the death of his friend and 12 years of isolation, he fully intends to keep that promise. But when haunting memories start to run rampant through his mind, Sirius is at a loss for what to do. He's convinced he must fight against the wrong tendencies, even if it means denying an irresistible infatuation he has left over from all those years ago...and the object of his attraction isn't making it very easy.
It started out as a pretty good morning, as far as mornings go. Sirius woke up, (which never lost its luster after being in a coma for over a year) and looked out the window. It was a remarkably clear day after the horrible storm last night. And it sounded like no one had woken up yet.
So, after relishing that he woke up and that it was sickeningly sunny outside, Sirius threw on some jeans and went to check on Ron, Remus and Jimmy.
Ron was an absolute terror yesterday. He wouldn't let Jimmy leave his sight for nothing, and Sirius knew the brunette was about to wail on him. And then Remus sat in the corner of the parlor all night long, biting his nails and looking for the world like someone shot his puppy.
Hermione never showed up with Harry.
If it hadn't been for his dreamless sleep draughts mixed in with their drinks, NO ONE would've gotten any sleep. Tired and worn out comrades are no good to a Boy-Who-Lived in peril.
Oh sure, he knew they'd all kill him today, but it would be with energy and enthusiasm. Besides, it had only been for 4 hours and he'd stayed up all night on patrol. If anyone was going to lose sleep cause of a missing Harry, it'd be him.
In any case, Sirius crept down the staircase to the third floor and Ron's room. It came as a shock that he found the door locked, but a quick Alohomora fixed that and he was inside in no time.
There on the bed, all squeezed together like sardines, were Ron, Harry and Hermione. He was relieved, yes, but the fact that Harry was wearing some of Ron's clothes and both Harry and Hermione looked as if they relived the Last Battle, made him more than a little concerned. It still felt good to see them all together, finally, in any case. RBW the Third scampered over to nip at his toes and Sirius cringed at the noise the puppy began to make as it got excited at all the movement Sirius' foot was making.
Harry whimpered in his sleep, his face twisted in unknown agony. Ron held him to him tighter and Hermione nuzzled closer against Harry's back.
"Its ok, mate. You're ok."
"Shhh, its all over, Harry. Just sleep."
Both friends petted their troubled comrade until he quieted down. Sirius slipped back out just as quietly as he entered, RBW the Third slipping out behind him, and made his way downstairs, the sight he'd just witnessed burned in his memory. He needed to think about this and address it carefully. Harry was extremely secretive and only told what he wanted to. Sirius had to ween the truth of what happened last night delicately.
He knew of only one person who could do 'delicate interrogation' and last time he checked, the person was in the parlour. Trekking down several hallways and ushering RBW into the kitchen to eat and poop, Sirius made it to the parlour and stepped inside.
Sure enough, Remus Lupin lay exactly where he left him, sprawled out elegantly across the couch.
Sirius smiled and crossed the room, then knelt down besides his best friend. With a soft chuckle, he closed Remus' mouth and pushed the man's soft tawny hair off of his delicate face. The poor guy had had a rough time of it. Sirius didn't think he saw the werewolf sleep properly since he heard of the abduction.
The blond stirred minutely and opened his striking amber eyes groggily.
Then Sirius was on his arse, looking up at an irritated Remus.
"Sirius, you sneaky double-crossing mutt! You slipped me something, didn't you! You ass!"
Sirius couldn't help but pout, " Why do you always blame me?"
"Cause its usually you anyways." Remus said matter-of-factly, slowly sitting up.
"True." The raven-haired man got to his feet and rubbed his injured bum. "If it makes you feel any better, I drugged everyone."
Remus gasped and punched his friend on the arm. Really, the guy was violent sometimes!
"What!"
"Sirius, what if there had been an emergency! What if Harry had needed our help?"
"He would've been screwed because all of you ran yourselves ragged searching for him and Hermione all night."
Remus scrunched his mouth and crossed his arms, which was as good a concession as Sirius was going to get.
"It's ok, Moony. They came in last night...The three of them are up in Ron's room."
Remus looked surprised, " All three?"
"Yeah. " Sirius smiled. " I guess the Golden Trio can never die."
Remus smiled his own smile then gasped again, " Bloody hell, I better tell Jimmy. He'll want to see Harry right away."
"Er, I think you better hold up on that. Atleast until Harry's rested. I'm sure Ron and Hermione will bring him down when he's ready."
Remus frowned.
"Harry got hurt. " Sirius said point blank. " Nothing too serious, just bruises and the sort, but I could tell he's in a bad way. He needs some time to sort himself out before he has to deal with us and the Ministry."
Remus nodded and sighed heavily, then sank back into the couch. " How does that boy manage to get himself into so much trouble?"
Sirius plopped down besides Remus and wrapped an arm round the werewolf. Remus sighed and dropped his head onto Sirius' shoulder, letting the brunette tenderly smooth back his ash locks.
"It's not Harry's fault...we'll find out who's behind this and put an end to it once and for all."
"Oh please tell me I didn't interrupt anything."
Sirius rolled his eyes and looked over at the doorway where Severus Snape was standing, looking annoyed and disgusted. "Go be irritating somewhere else." Sirius snapped.
Remus chastened him by a cuff on the arm before he turned to Snape, " Harry and Hermione arrived sometime last night, but we're leaving them alone until Harry's recuperated."
"Ah. Well, I'll see to some potions Potter might need, in addition to the rest of you. I'm sure Black's potionwork is nothing short of shotty."
Sirius snarled, almost on his feet, " I'll have you know I passed Potions with an Outstanding. Just because I'm not greasy and unpleasant doesn't mean I'm not good at my potions."
" No, you're just incompetent at everything else seeing as you have no time to do anything except stare at yourself all day."
"You're just sore that I'm still attractive whereas you, well..."
" The only person that finds anything attractive about you Black is yourself and maybe that hippogriff of yours."
"Atleast someone finds me attractive. Most people are outright repulsed by you."
"OK children! Enough!" Remus slapped a hand over Sirius' mouth and dragged him bodily from the room. The hand didn't deter him, however. He still threw brilliant insults at Snivelus. Stupid Remus and his chivalry, what a waste of good repartee.
Sirius held up in the kitchen the rest of the morning explaining to everyone as they awoke that Harry and Hermione were indeed safe and sound in Ron's room. Of course no one was happy with him, but he didn't really care.
"It was highly irresponsible of you, Sirius. What would've happened if Harry needed our help last night? " Molly Weasley scolded from her spot infront of the stove. Honestly, wasn't that woman ever away from the kitchen? And didn't she ever STOP NAGGING?
"Yes, Molly, but who ever said I was responsible? " Sirius retorted, sipping absently at his coffee.
"It's not a joke, Sirius. This is Harry's life we're talking about here." Molly shot back, hands on wide hips.
"I'm trying to point out how absurd your paranoia is, " Sirius said, setting down his mug.
Molly scowled, " It is not paranoia, its simple caution and concern. Why you as his Godfather-"
"That's right. I'M his Godfather. Not you, not Remus, not even Snape over there. ME! I know my Godson and I know what I'm doing! So stop treating me like I'm one egg short of the cuckoo's nest! I did what I did because I knew none of you would be able to help Harry in the conditions you were in! I was fully alert and ready to deal with whatever came along, all evening, so Harry was never in danger of having no one come to his rescue."
"Sirius-"
"No! I've had enough of this, Remus! I shouldn't have to explain myself all the time! I am not a child! I can perfectly well look after a nineteen year old!"
"But you've only just recovered" Molly began.
Sirius stood up sharply, losing his temper rather quickly. " I'm perfectly fine!"
"In any case, you acted recklessly and selfish. I'm not sure its wise to leave ANYONE in your care, " Snape replied from the doorway, his tone as dismissive and heartless as always.
Sirius rounded on him, " I don't want to hear a WORD about being reckless or selfish. Wasn't it YOU who allowed Jimmy to escape yesterday after he got the ransom note?"
Snape blinked, his mouth gaping like a fish." How did you...?"
"I was on the landing. How do you think I caught him so fast? Honestly, if I had left you two to it, he would've been dead before they finished putting away the ink."
Snape puffed his cheeks in outrage before letting loose a string of unsavory curses, most dealing with the fact that Sirius needed to keep his large nose out of other people's Godson's business to which Sirius casually pointed out that Jimmy was Remus' Godson. The end result of the entire thing was Snape spitting hexes (luckily he wasn't holding his wand) and Sirius spitting insults. Remus looked like he needed a large asprin. Molly was turning purple. Tonks and Mad-Eye were wisely staying out of it. Dumbledore just looked amused.
"Ahem."
Sirius looked away from Snape's ugly mug to see Ron and Hermione standing in the doorway, both looking abashed and startled.
"Ron! Hermione! Where's Harry?" Sirius inquired, holstering his middle finger until he could berate Snivelus later.
"Um...here..."
Harry stepped out from behind his two friends, his eyes downcast. Sirius frowned, noticing the boy continuously shift his weight and wring his long sleeves in knots. Big clothes always managed to make him look eleven years old again.
"Come along, Harry. You're probably starving." Molly spoke up, turning round and flicking her wand about the stove top.
Sirius walked over and ushered Harry back out the door.
"Sirius! Where on Earth do you think you're taking that boy! He needs food in his belly!"
"I'll bring him something soon as you're done, " Sirius replied as he nudged Harry down the hallway. Ron and Hermione made to follow, but Sirius waved them back into the kitchen, shaking his head. They nodded, leaving the two men in the hall. Harry cast him a wary look, eyeing the kitchen door. Sirius grinned. "Don't worry. If we hurry, we can lock the door before she catches up."
Harry gave a meek smile and continued on through the corridor and up the stairs. Sirius rested his hand on Harry's shoulder, starting at the twitch that ran through the boy. Once they made it to Sirius' room, the man pushed his Godson up the staircase and locked the latch once he was inside.
Harry flopped himself onto the bed and decided that hugging Sirius' pillow was the best thing to do with his hands.
A sigh couldn't help but escape the older man's throat. " You know...frowning isn't good for someone my age. The wrinkles only get worse."
Harry let loose a little chuckle , "Sirius, thirty-eight isn't old and you DEFINITELY don't have much in the way of wrinkles." And then the darkness was back.
Well that wouldn't do! Sirius thought to himself. Walking over, he chose a spot besides Harry and stared at the boy intently. His bruises had quelled to purplish-red and seemed entirely focused on his cheeks and neck. All the cuts seemed to be closed up nicely and the swelling was minimal. But that wasn't what had Sirius so concerned.
It was the torment in the boy's eyes. The anguish. He hadn't seen that since Harry's fifth year.
Gingerly, Sirius placed his hand on Harry's arm, shocked once more that the boy winced.
"I know what happened last night will probably never be entirely known by anyone except you, and maybe you think thats for the best but..but I know from experience that dealing with things on your own may not be the best option in the long run. " Sirius leaned down, trying to catch Harry's eye. Once he did, he continued. " You know I care about you, Harry. And I'd do anything to help you out. And if I can't do that, tell me who to hex, and I'll do that instead."
Harry gave a muffled sort of laugh and lowered his head down. His shoulders shook and small little gasps slipped from his mouth, but he kept his head down.
Sirius wrapped an arm round his shoulder and pressed the boy into him. Harry clutched at his shirt, and Sirius did all he could not to cry along with his Godson. They stayed that way for most of the morning, ignoring knocks on the latchdoor and Mrs. Weasley's protests.
The silence of the room was a cherished gift. Harry relished it and Sirius was only too eager to give more. Of course, the silence gave way to exhaustion and both men fell asleep to the sounds of last night's rain tapering off into the morning air.
O==O====
Sirius grabbed the picnic basket from the tabletop and shoved his wand into his backpocket. Swiveling his head to and fro, he scanned the kitchen checking things off mentally.
Lunch: check. Butterbeer for Harry: check. Alcohol for me: check. Jacket: half on, but check. Map:... Map:...
"Shfit...Were's de mapf?"
Harry chose that moment to trot into the kitchen, shrugging on his jacket and giving him a quizzical look. "Whats the matter, Sirius?"
"I canned fine de mapf."
Harry quirked a brow and walked over with a small smile. Reaching up he plucked a folded piece of parchment from Sirius' mouth and showed it to him. " This it?"
Sirus blinked then took it with a grin. " Ah! I knew I had it somewhere. Well, thats it, I think. Lets go before Nurse Moony and Sergeant General Jimmy realize we're not still asleep and freak out."
Harry smiled and led the way to the front door. " Why are we sneaking out in broad daylight then?"
Sirius closed the door behind them and started walking down the sidewalk, glad it was pretty weather (for October) since last night was almost the second Great Flood."Its utterly disgusting to get up before noon on a Sunday."
"But it's Thursday."
"Exactly my point."
He knew Harry was looking at him, but he was much too busy trying to unfold the map than to try to explain himself.
"You're raving mad, you know that right?"
"Mmm huh...Hey, you wouldn't happen to know how to read muggle maps, would you?" Turning the map in circles proved fruitless seeing as he didn't know what the hell any of the markings stood for. He'd been to London many a time as a teenager, and even scoured round Wales a bit, but he'd always Apparated. Which, of course, proved about as useful now as speaking english in Canada.
Harry sighed and nicked the map from Sirius' fingers and examined it while they waited for a crosslight to turn green. Sirius watched as all the muggle cars passed by, awed as always at the insane things muggle did to get by.
"Do you think you could loan me your car sometime?" He inquired, eyeing the drivers and their technique of holding the wheel with one hand and speaking into some muggle device with the other.
" Why? Don't tell me you want to drive somewhere."
"Well, it looks like fun. I've never tried it before."
"Hmm, well, I suppose...Just let me know so I can drive us out somewhere secluded and unpopulated." Sirius turned to the boy with a pout, ready to retort indignantly when Harry exclaimed and pointed at something on the map. "Aha! Here's downtown London...Ok...and there's us...Now, where do we need to get to?"
His ego forgotten, he quickly tried to remember the closest big town, " Coventry I believe. The village is on the very outskirts, more or less."
Harry quirked a brow and glanced at the brunette, " Why didn't we just Apparate to the village if you knew where it was?"
Sirius grimaced subtly, " Its impossible to Disapparate there anymore. The Ministry's deemed it a restricted Disapparation zone."
Harry frowned, stopping short, " But, restricted sections are only permitted when an area's been contaminated"
"By powerful evil forces. I know."
"Then why...?"
Sirius sighed. The look on the boy's face spoke volumes.
"Sirius...where are we going?"
With one last sigh, Sirius stepped inside the abandoned delicatessen, saying with a solemn voice. " Godric's Hollow."
OO
Sirius was the first to spot the village through the trees. It looked just as small and quaint as ever. A sick sort of tremor ran through his stomach as they drew closer, and from the look on Harry's face, he was feeling the same way.
Godric's Hollow was more or less exactly how it was the night Sirius drove through it on his motorcycle. The single avenue that ran the entire length of downtown was still narrow, the shops were still small, and the bakery boasting the best treacle tart was still standing besides the bookshop.
Harry was walking as if he were a condemned man, slowly making his way to his doom. And sooner than he would've liked, they were standing before a vacant lot.
Harry sucked in his breath and Sirius merely watched as the boy stared with something close to dawning horror at the large pile of what used to be a quaint little house. It didn't take much to feel all the demonic binds leftover from the spell that ultimately took this house.
Before he knew what was happening, Harry had dashed the opposite way, leaving Sirius in , the man gave chase, catching up to the youth at the edge of town. Grabbing his arm, Sirius hauled them to a stop and stared as Harry panted and gazed with unseeing eyes at the ground.
He didn't need to ask to know what had happened. It happened to him as well the first time he'd seen the place back when he was on the run. The lines of the tiny white house were still fresh in his mind, and to see them torn down and lying in haphazard pieces made that last bit of hope die.
Sirius looped his arm round the boy's heaving shoulders and led him away." C'mon, there's some place I want you to see."
Harry walked alongside the man, tucked closely into his one-armed embrace. Sirius never knew the boy to be so physically affectionate, but then again, after growing up the way he did, Sirius shouldn't have been surprised. Those Dursleys...It was hard to feel bad that they were dead. In Sirius' opinion, they deserved what they got, even if it was gruesome. He hugged Harry closer, trying to make up for those years spent isolated in a tiny bedroom.
He soon came to a stop at the top of a small hill overlooking a grassy null. Sirius led them down to the base of the hill where a weeping willow watched over a smooth black boulder. And there he stood, with Harry curled into his side, watching as the shadows of the tree's branches made beautiful designs on the stone's glassy surface.
Harry sank down onto a well worn patch of grass, his trembling fingers reaching out to trace the words on the boulder's surface.
"Here Lies Lily and James Potter; Love. Courage. Selflessness. They will live forever in our hearts." Harry mumbled, his emerald eyes shining in the afternoon sun.
Sirius knelt down besides him, his eyes shifting from the grave to his Godson's face." I thought a visit from the both of us would make them happy."
Harry said nothing for several long minutes, simply tracing the words he'd spoken earlier over and over and over, as if trying to draw some sort of knowledge from them. Sirius watched quietly, his own mind trickling memories of previous visits back. He'd always come alone. Always. For the things he had to say were not meant for anyone but he and James.
Closing his eyes, Sirius let himself remember.
The gentle swishing of the branches above his head, the cool grass beneath his fingertips, a tender breeze caressing his neck and hair like a dear lover. It all brought him back to that one day so many years ago. Such beautiful weather contradicting the words spoken, the solemn vow made. He'd fought with his life to keep it, to make sure he kept his word, and there were lonely rainy days that he'd find himself at the boulder, sobbing his apologies. He never felt as if he really made good the promise since it was so difficult to do it properly without his emotions getting in the way.
A hand appeared on his arm making him gasp and pop his eyes open. Harry was staring at him with concern, his thumb idly rubbing back and forth across the fabric of Sirius' sleeve.
"Siri?"
Sirius smiled sadly at the endearment, feeling as if Harry bothered to take a deeper look into his eyes, he'd see the ugly truth about his Godfather.
"You ok?"
Sirius nodded and absently wiped his stray tear from his jaw. Once again, his eyes swept down to the grave. " It wasn't until I'd been put away that the Order gave them a headstone. It was in the Prophet, so I knew about it. The words...they were true, so I never complained...But it was when I came here for the first time after I'd escaped that I put in the last sentence."
Harry followed his gaze, a ghost of a smile on his lips. " Its nice. I'm sure they appreciate it."
They sat in comfortable silence, each man lost in his own thoughts. How many times would Sirius recall that day and drive himself mad over it? When would he finally feel he'd fulfilled
"Sirius..."
The man blinked from his reverie and watched his Godson shift closer, green eyes glued to the stone.
"Last night I...I was told something..."
Sirius waited as the boy composed himself, glints of terror and panic flashing across far too young eyes.
"They said my father...he...he was given the Dementor's Kiss."
Sirius bite his lip, his canines sinking into the soft flesh.
"Tell me the truth...What happened to my dad?"
Sirius looked down at his hands. This moment was bound to happen. Harry was smart, he'd eventually piece together the missing holes of history's story. Taking a shaky breath, Sirius forced himself to remember the horrible incident. How he died inside that night. "Your father fought, just like everyone has been telling you he did...He fought tooth and nail for you and your mum...But...Voldemort caught him off guard with a Leg Lockers curse..." Taking a pause to better steady his voice, Sirius shifted to look at the cool ebony of James' grave. " That monster called for a dementor we'd heard rumors about. It was the sole creature that took most of the Potter line...and that night...it took your dad as well..."
Harry's nails dug into the man's arm, a soft whimper escaping his throat. "G-go on."
"When I came, it was too late...I just had enough time to get you out of there before the house collapsed ontop of itself...but after seeing you off with Hagrid, I did my best to tackle through the remains to find your parents...I only just found him when I realized who had been behind it all and what that meant..."
"So you saw him...?"
Sirius felt a burning sensation at the back of his eyes, " Yes...And I still have nightmares about it."
"...I tried so hard, so many times, to convince myself that they died quickly, that it was painless..."
Sirius looped his arms round the boy, "We'll find that dementor, Harry. We'll find it and kill it and then all the Potters' souls can be released and rest in peace."
They both broke down in silent sobs at the magnitude of the truth. But it felt good...To finally have someone with him who shared the pain and the reality of the situation...Someone who wasn't Remus.
It was an hour later that they managed to calm themselves and settle down to eat the picnic Sirius had prepared. Harry nibbled on a chicken sandwich, his red-lined jade eyes watching the man intently.
Soon it became too much and Sirius snapped beneath the gaze. "What?"
Harry blinked, seemingly unaware of his own stare. "Sorry...I just...You cared for my dad alot, didn't you?"
Sirius blushed despite his best efforts and took a soothing gulp of his Heineken. "Course I did. Both me and Remus did."
Harry didn't seem to find this answer satisfying, but he held his tongue and continued to eat his sandwich.
Boy was that close, Sirius thought to himself. He knew there was more to that question than Harry let on and he only hoped he'd be more suave about it in the future. The last person he wanted to know about his well-hidden past was Harry. Dear Merlin, ESPECIALLY not Harry.
"Thank you."
Sirius blinked. "For what?"
Harry shifted, his eyes hidden beneath black fringe. "For telling me the truth."
The man gaze a heavy sigh, tossing his half-eaten sandwich into the picnic basket. "I meant to tell you earlier, but I guess I was never ready to admit it, even to myself."
Harry's eyes were again on him and Sirius was starting to wonder if his masks were faltering miserably." If you tell me whats really going on with you, I'll tell you what happened last night."
Again, Sirius found himself blinking in the wake of his godson's keen sense. It was eerily similar to his father's, which proved to only further disturb Sirius. "W-what? What're you going on about Harry?"
"Usually I can hear this sort of darkness behind your words, like your secrets all condensed into something tangible that hangs onto everything you say. But its small and your cheerfulness blocks it out for the most part. But lately...It seems like your darkness and your secrets are taking over you."
Sirius was at a loss. What could he say to that? He'd promised himself long ago that he'd NEVER lie to Harry, if he could help it. Lying and simply avoiding answering questions were two different matters. And now that Harry had more or less hit the nail on the head, Sirius couldn't very well flat out lie. This was Harry. The boy was as sharp as Lily and as stubborn as James. Good grief, what had he gotten himself into?
"Harry...I..."
"Tell me."
The brunette scratched his head, searching for words. Honestly. What was wrong with him? "Truthfully, Harry, I...I don't really know." The boy looked at him skeptically. "I mean it. Gryffindor's honor."
Harry's lips scrunched as he seemed to be debating this answer.
Sirius gave another sigh, knowing he shouldn't have expected an easy way out of this. "Ok fine, maybe I have some clue-"
"Does it have to do with last night? With me?"
Grey eyes swept to meet with green and Sirius wanted to cry at the expression scrawled across Harry's young face." No. Harry. NO. Its not your fault... I'm your Godfather, its in the job description that I that happens to you naturally affects me, but its ok. I WANT to be affected by you. I promised."
Harry tilted his head ever so slightly and Sirius wanted to kick himself. "You promised?"
Sirius grimaced and forced out a smile. "Er, yeah."
"To who?"
GRR! Sirius, you moron! " Your father."
"About what?"
"Uh, yanno, Godfather business..." Sirius saw that Harry's face was starting to twist back into skepticism, so he ruffled the boy's hair affectionately and grinned."Just that I'd look out for you."
Harry smiled lopsidedly, a faint blush on his cheeks. Before either of them could enjoy the comfortable silence, words spilled from hesitant lips.
"T-they were Death-Eaters. Vampire Death-Eaters."
"What?" Grey eyes narrowed as Sirius tensed at the word ' vampire.'
"Last night. Two vampire Death-Eaters ambushed me in the Ministry showers...I don't know how they managed to get in undetected, but they did. I ..I don't remember much. They hit me with some sort of spell..I woke up in a dark, decrepit room...Another man came in...He told me-"
Sirius steeled himself against shaking the boy to continue, seeing as this already was trying the boy's already fraying sanity.
"He told me it was all payback for defeating Voldemort...He thought I was Jimmy..."
Sirius leaned forward, stashing every bit of information away for future retelling to the Order."Why did he think that?"
Harry shrugged, his head hung low."We look the same. I'm assuming they thought Jimmy, being the Minister's assistant, would always hang late at the Ministry. In any case, their plan was meant for Jimmy. They'd kidnap him, send the ransom note to me then kill him before I inevitably came to his rescue, then off me as well."
Hmm, well that explained why the letter didn't make sense to Jimmy. It was meant for Harry. "Did they figure out you weren't your brother?"
"No. I'm sure I probably wouldn't be here right now if they did."
A shiver ran up Sirius' spine at the nonchalant manner in which Harry spoke of his own luck. Was this what Harry had turned into? Was this what the war made him become?
"I..I thought this was over..I thought once I killed Voldemort, everything would go back to normal. I could live a regular life."
Sirius watched as green eyes shimmered, peach lips quivered and calloused hands clenched.
" I was supposed to get my life back! I hate looking over my shoulder, wondering who's going to be trying to Avada it next! I hate feeling like I can never get close to anyone because they might be kidnapped and hurt! I hate remembering what those cold hands felt like on my skin and flinching every time someone I care about touches me! I hate this!"
Sirius' fingers moved of their own accord as they gently squeezed Harry's heaving shoulder.
"Its not fair Sirius! ITS NOT FAIR!"
Sirius gave a shaky sigh that he felt in his soul as his beloved Godson crumpled into his embrace for the third time that day.
OO
Late evening found the two men trudging back into Black Manor, tired but satisfied after a long day of talking. The nice silence between them wouldn't be longlasting, however, since the moment they stepped foot into the foyer, Harry was accosted by his brother.
"Where were you! You had me worried sick! I should kill you!"
Sirius blinked and slithered along the wall. It was best to stay out of the beast's line of sight in order to ensure survival.
"Er, I-I'm sorry, but I'm alright. See? Just fine."
"Hmm. Well, you DO look much better than earlier. But next time you get kidnapped and decide to disappear the next morning, tell me in advance so I can get some shotguns ready for your return."
"Uh...O-ok..."
"Well, c'mon then. Since your absence took up most of my attention, I forgot to eat. So, you're gonna make me lunch."
"Alright, fair enough."
Sirius scurried down the hallway before the boys could stumble upon him and hastily ducked out the backdoor. Collapsing onto a wicker chair, he released a relieved sigh. He could only imagine what sort of hell Jimmy would've unleashed on him. Luckily, Harry didn't mention anything about his involvement. God bless the lad.
"So where'd you take him?"
Sirius jumped and all but toppled out of his chair, looking up to see Remus standing above him, arms crossed and stern look on his face. " Ah! Moony! You're looking smashing. Did I mention that color makes your eyes pretty?"
"Where did you take him, Sirius?" Remus asked again, his toe tapping. Damn he could be worse than Molly sometimes.
But sighing resignedly, Sirius sunk down in his chair and stared at his boots. " Godric's Hollow."
A soft thud came from his side. Chancing a glance up, he saw the werewold had deposited himself in the other wicker chair and looked much more solemn. "Why there?"
Good question. "I guess I figured after what happened to him last night, a nice quiet place away from everyone would be exactly what he needed, if only for an afternoon... I know it was selfish and irresponsible, but I went with my instincts anyways."
Remus smiled warmly at him and sat back. " Did it work?"
"Well, " Sirius rolled it over in his mind, discerning from the conversation he'd had with Harry whether the boy was better or not. " I suppose it did in some way. He opened up alot to me and told me what happened last night."
Remus frowned, his tawny locks brushing against his face. " So what happened?"
He grimaced, dreading this part. Harry knew he was obligated to tell the Order what exactly happened but it still made Sirius feel as if he was dishonoring his Godson's trust. "It was Death-Eaters, just like we thought. But vampire Death-Eaters."
"What?"
"Exactly. Apparently, they attacked Harry in the Ministry showers and whisked him off to Knockturn Alley."
"Merlin..."
Sirius shook his head and looked up at Remus' ashen face. "I know there's more to this than just an abduction, that ransom was proof enough. Vampires aren't capable of the sort of magic it would take to enter the Ministry without detection, then slipping right out of there...No, there's definitely somebody damn powerful behind this all."
"But why...?" Remus rubbed his chin, deep in thought. " Arthur came to us earlier today with the reports from the Ministry. Up to 14 Ministry Officials so far have claimed that they have a block of memory missing around the same time Harry was abducted. We're looking at a mass Obliviate. No one short of Dumbledore can do something like that."
Sirius frowned. "Or You-Know-Who."
The blonde leaned forward anxiously, " You think he's involved in this?"
"Its far-fetched, I know, but I wouldn't rule it out."
"He's dead though, Sirius."
"I know...I know."
The brunette clutched his hands tighter, his eyes staring unseeingly at the garden walls. This was drawing up some pretty bad memories for him. Memories of a silver place where only nothingness kept him company. It was something he'd much rather forget.
"It just doesn't make sense...Why kidnap Harry to get to Jimmy?"
"Harry told me they meant to grab Jimmy instead."
"Jimmy was the target!"
"Yeah...but don't ask me why, not even Harry could figure that one out. My only guess was someone wants Jimmy gone and decided to take out Harry as well, make a clean job of it." His answer didn't bode well with the other man. His face had grown paler and he looked as if he were going to be sick. "They're both fine, Moony. Safe and sound in the kitchen."
Remus shook his head, hanging it down to hide behind his hair. "I-I know."
Sirius studied his friend for awhile, wondering what to say. He wasn't good at consoling. He was more a man of action. Sure, he comforted Harry, but that was different. Harry only ever asked for a shoulder to cry on. Remus...Remus was something else.
"You're so good with Harry. You protect him so well."
He blinked. "What?"
Remus looked up, a sad smile on his lips. " You and Harry, I watch you... You always make him laugh and you understand him. Like today. I never would've thought to have taken him to Godric's Hollow. I would've just fussed over him and demand he get lots of bedrest. But you know what he needs without even trying...I wonder why James just didn't make you Jimmy's Godfather as well. You could've handled both of them just fine."
Sirius shifted uncomfortably, not sure where Remus was going with this. The guy was maternal to a fault. So HIM? A better parent? "Remus, you don't give yourself enough credit. Jimmy loves you."
"Yes, but when I should've stayed in America with him, I didn't. I ran from him, just like I did everyone else."
The raven-haired man bit his lip, sensing the danger from a mile away. Sensitive waters were NEVER his speciality. " Maybe we should go inside. I'm sure the boys need help-"
"He shouldn't have entrusted me to Jimmy's care! What was he thinking!"
Sirius grimaced, his fingers curling round the chair's armrests. Just keep quiet, Black. Keep quiet.
"Whenever I look at Jimmy, all I see is him. Even in Harry. Its as if he's looking out through their eyes, watching me and judging me...Its more than I can stand."
" I'm sure thats not-"
" I can't help but feel as if he did it as one last rebellion, one last spiteful act to drive the knife deeper in my heart."
"Remus, he-"
"I look at Jimmy and Harry and its this great struggle within myself not to feel bitter towards them; The end result of James' ultimate decision."
Sirius looked down, splinters from the chair digging into his palms from the tight grip. It was hard to stop him, cause somewhere deep down inside, Sirius knew he was right. It WAS hard to look at Harry and not feel sad...but not in the same way. It was completely different for Sirius.
"I remember how much you played with them when they were babies. They adored you. You'd chase them round the backyard until you all collapsed from exhaustion, then fall asleep in the living room. You'd change into your dog form and they'd curl up into you and James would always laugh."
Hot stinging crept into Sirius' grey eyes as those memories came back for him as well. But after they woke up, there would be Remus with a warm cup of cocoa and a fascinating story. The twins LOVED Remus' stories, just like James did.
"He chose that life over me..."
A tear escaped Sirius' eye and long years of silence were instantly drowned out by the deafening sound of his own pain. " You fool."
Remus blinked, looking very much as if he'd just been slapped.
"He was your mate, Remus! Whether he chose you in the end or not, he loved you. If you only knew all the harassment he was getting from his family at home, you'd never assume he never cared for you. He was almost disowned cause of you! "
The man made a choked sound in the back of his throat, but Sirius couldn't stop himself.
"But eventually he cracked. He wanted a family, he'd always wanted one and the truth was you couldn't exactly make babies. So, he found Lily and they made a family in spite of the dangers of the war...but he still loved you. Through the war and the death and Lily and the twins, he still loved you. It was YOU, Remus. It was always YOU. Why do you think he made me promise-" Sirius barely caught himself in time.
That was terrifying. After close to twenty years, he was about to let loose one of his most guarded secrets.
"Made you promise what?"
Sirius growled and pushed himself to his feet. " I'm gonna go check on the boys. They probably burned down the kitchen by now." And with that, he strode into the house before the werewolf could utter another word.
The conversation left a bitter taste on Sirius' tongue. He'd almost lost control there and he couldn't afford that.
The harsh reminder of Remus and James' relationship for most of their Hogwarts career wasn't pleasant. He couldn't begin to count the number of times he'd had to endure Peter's company cause those two ran off to some broom closet or another. And the times he'd had to play Marriage Counselor when all he'd wanted to do was laugh in their faces...Sirius shook his head and turned down the hallway to the kitchen.
Some of what Remus said was wrong...Sirius never looked at Harry and felt bitter. Harry and Jimmy were never a curse for him. James didn't give them custody of the lads for some cruel form of payback. They were a gift. Harry was a wonderful young man and so was Jimmy. Sirius didn't care that they came from the union of James and Lily, all that mattered were these two great boys and making sure they grew up the best way possible.
Sure, he was a little bitter, but what did that matter when he and Harry would chase eachother round in their Animagus forms or when they endured one of Molly's lectures because they left dishes in the garden or when Harry would just sneak into Sirius' room for no good reason other than to enjoy his company?
He swung the door to the kitchen forward, walking in on quite the tussle. Harry and Jimmy were struggling over control of a brown-goop covered spatula, shouting at eachother.
"Chocolate chip!"
"No, butterscotch! No one likes chocolate chips in their cookies anymore!"
"EVERYONE likes chocolate chips in their cookies!"
"'Cept me!"
"Well you're bloody nutters so you don't count!"
Sirius was about to smirk when a blob of batter came shooting towards him and splattered across his face. The boys stood in shock as they watched in horror the blank look spreading across Sirius' face.
He darted his tongue out, scooping up a bit of batter and hmm'd. Just as it looked as if they were both about to duck for cover, Sirius nodded in a final sort of way.
"Harry's right, chocolate chip is MUCH better."
O==O===
A shower and about two dozen cookies later, Sirius was lounging in the living room, nursing a full belly and watching Jimmy and Ron play wizard's chess. RBW the Third lay sprawled out on his back beneath the coffee table the chess game was being played on and occasionally kicked his leg each time Ron let out a whoop of victory. It sometimes made him feel warm inside to know that all the boys would rather be at Black Manor than at their own homes. Merlin knew that was never the case when HE was a teenager.
But Ron loved the manor, even if he had to put up with Snivellus more than anyone should have to. And Jimmy seemed to enjoy spending time here as well, constantly gabbering with Remus or doing exactly what he was doing now while his brother was at the Academy.
As for Harry...the lad adored the gardens and always hid himself away there when he needed, even if it was during school hours. That was fine by Sirius, he didn't care much for gardening but if it helped Harry keep his sanity, he'd prune those buggers with a happy smile on his face.
Speak of the devil, Harry walked into the room, his hair damp from his shower. His cheeks seemed a bit more flushed than usual as he made his way over to Sirius' spot on the couch.
Sirius titled his head curiously as Harry shifted from foot to foot, throwing wary looks in the direction of his brother and Ron.
"Problem, Harry?"
"Erm..."
Sirius smiled and folded his arms, patiently waiting the boy's speech to return.
"C-can I talk to you?"
Ah, there it was. "Alright. What do you want to talk about?"
Harry looked down right panicked as he again looked over his shoulder at the pair. "Not here." he hissed and tugged at Sirius' sweater sleeve.
The man obliged and let himself be led from the room, and into the first available talking space.
Sirius blinked and stared frankly at the boy. "Harry. This is the utility closet."
Harry looked around them, as if barely noticing. "Oh."
Sirius sighed fondly and frog-marched Harry into the hallway and into the library. After starting a roaring fire and settling into the lumpy cushions of the couch, Sirius turned his attentions to the fidgety boy next to him. "Out with it, then."
Harry wrung his hands nervously, his lips moving as if they didn't remember how to form words. "W-well..I..er...I need advice."
He nodded, leaning back comfortably and tucking one of his legs beneath his bum. "Ok, shoot."
"It doesn't seem the best time to ask, what with what happened last night, but well, when you think about it, what better time to ponder, you know?"
"Harry, you're stalling."
"Right right...Sorry...What I'm trying to say is, well, I tried NOT to think about it all but then I was kidnapped by those Death-Eaters and it sort of knocked something inside me and I couldn't help but think about EVERYTHING." Harry chewed on his lip for a bit and twisted knots into the hem of his t-shirt. Sirius smiled. " See...I...I think I have these feelings for someone...someone who I probably have no right having feelings for."
Grey eyes lite up as a goofy grin spread across his mouth. " My ickle Harrykins inwub! How darling!"
Harry scowled, batting Sirius' hand away from his cheeks."Its not funny.I'm in trouble, Siri."
The man coughed and calmed himself down, preparing for advice in one of his best subjects. "Well, how does this person feel back?"
Harry sighed with exasperation, " Thats the thing. I think I know, but I'm too scared to find out for sure."
"Why?"
"Cause..." At this, Harry glanced at the door and grimaced. "Cause of this other person."
Sirius couldn't help the squeal that escaped him. Oh sure! Like you wouldn't have done the same thing! Sirius loved to live vicariously through Harry. It was one of his hobbies. " You tramp."
Harry looked pained. "Sirius, be serious!"
A snigger passed his lips and Harry looked as if he were seconds from hauling back and wailing on him. "Ok ok! Sorry. I'm done. Go on. Whats this other person got to do with the first?"
The boy sighed, and swung around to sit indian style infront of his Godfather. "Nothing, per say. Well, they SHOULDN'T in any case, but I think they're affecting my feelings towards the other."
"How so?"
"One minute I'm hanging out with the first and things are great and my mind starts to wander back to this..er...time we spent together " -here Sirius snickered, but Harry bodily ignored him-" then the other comes in and totally confuses me."
"Ok, well, why do they confuse you?"
Harry dove his hand into his damp locks and gripped. "Because! I'm not supposed to be feeling this way!"
"Says who?"
"Says ME. " Harry looked down, looking defeated. "Despite the second's best efforts, I just don't feel that way towards them. I don't know how it started but it scares me more and more the farther we get. Its, well, to put it quite frankly, all physical...I love them, but not in that way."
"Then tell them."
"I tried!"
"Then try harder. Harry, stringing along someone's emotions isn't right. You know better than that."
Harry nodded, chastened.
"Now, what about this other person?"
The boy sighed, "I..I just don't know. I've known him since forever and I'm terrified of moving someplace we can't ever go back from. I just don't want to lose someone else in my life."
Sirius smirked softly, his suspicions confirmed. He was too astute for his own good. "Nothings wrong with being scared, Harry. Your heart is a precious thing, and making sure you can give it to the right person and know it'll be taken care of, isn't a bad thing."
"I know...I just feel as if I'm losing him, bit by bit, each day I don't talk to him about it. I just don't know what to do."
Sirius licked his lips, looking at his Godson with a sigh. Placing his hands atop Harry's, he caught the boy's eyes and squeezed. "I'm gonna give you the best advice I've ever been given ;' When your courage is lacking, when your heart's at a loss, when you've lost your mind, and all else fails, just do it. Don't be scared of falling inlove. Its one of the greatest experiences in the world.' "
Harry smiled gratefully. "Thats some great advice. Who'd you get it from?"
Sirius returned the smile, " Your dad."
Green eye's lite up, "Really? My dad?"
"Yep. Pretty clever, that git was."
"Why were you asking for advice?"
Sirius considered the boy, before smiling fondly. "Same as you. Loved someone I was scared to."
"And did you 'just do it' ?"
Sirius smiled and ruffled Harry's hair. "This isn't about me. Its about you. So, think you know what to do now?"
Harry chuckled and shifted around to wrap his arms round his Godfather's neck. "More than before, atleast. Thank you, Siri."
The man gently patted the lad's back and smiled." Anytime, kid. Now go get some rest. You've had a long day."
Harry smiled and nodded, giving him one last hug before scampering off to his room. Sirius stretched out on the couch, going over in his mind what he'd just heard.
So. Harry was inlove, eh? And with a boy. Well, that shouldn't have surprised him, not from that provocative Wicked Witch Weekly's article. Wait...now that he thought about it...those anonymous photos to the Daily Prophet came in the day Harry was kidnapped...Shit. Did that mean-
"Sirius?"
The brunette was jerked from his train of thought and looked away from the fire to see Remus outlined in the doorway.
"May I join you?"
"Sure."
Remus walked in hesitantly and paused by the other end of Sirius' couch, handing him a cup of tea." Was I interrupting anything? I saw Harry leave and you looked about a mile into your thoughts."
Sirius blinked again then shook his head, taking a cautionary sip of the hot beverage. " Oh. No. No. Just giving him some advice on sex then thinking about something."
Remus scowled at him reprovingly, like he knew he would. "Sirius, you did NOT give that nineteen year old sex advice. He's far too young for that sort of thing."
The raven-haired man snorted. "Have you SEEN Wicked Witch Weekly?"
The blush on the tawny-haired man was priceless. " I have, if you must know, and I thought every picture was revolting."
Sirius pouted, the corners of his lips giving away his smile. "Aww, I thought they looked quite fetching."
Remus scowled more profusely. "They're children, Sirius! I have half a mind to punish them for doing such a thing. I would've thought they had more modesty."
Sirius grinned behind his teacup and sighed for the adorable naivety of his best friend. "They're built like greek gods. Hell, if I had a body like that at their age, I'd be showing it off, too."
"Whats this "if" business? You DID. And if I remember correctly, you walked around the dormitory shirtless ninety-nine percent of the time."
The brunette grinned, setting down his cup. "I'm pleased to hear you noticed."
Remus blushed bright red and glared at the animagus. "You're shameless."
"And now you know where Harry gets it from."
The blond grumbled into his tea as Sirius enjoyed a quiet laugh at his expense. Through it all, it always felt good to tease Remus like this. It was as if things never changed since first year.
"So, what were you thinking about after you corrupted Harry further?"
Sirius smirked then sobered a bit. "The article the Daily Prophet ran the day of Harry's kidnapping."
Remis looked over, frowning. "What about it?"
"Bit odd, isn't it? That that sort of article would run in the Prophet. They usually leave scandals involving Harry alone since Skeeter quit. And the fact that the photos were sent in anonymously, well..."
"Do you think it was a set up?"
"What else could it be? Jimmy DID say he saw it just before he saw Harry last. It was the reason he went to go see him in the first place."
Remus' brow furrowed further. "This puzzle just keeps getting more complicated."
The brunette pushed back his hair, scooping it into a ponytail. "You can say that again."
The silence that followed started out nice enough. Sirius was lost in the possibilities of who or what was behind the kidnapping and WHY. But apparently Remus couldn't stay on this topic for very long.
With a heavy sigh, Remus turned to his friend. "Look, I'll cut right to the chase. I came here to apologize to you."
Sirius was once again knocked from his reverie."What for?"
"For earlier." He said simply.
Sirius frowned. "Remus, you don't have-"
"Yes. Yes I do...Gods, Sirius, I can't even believe I went off on you like that..."
"Really, its fine."
"But its not! What I said...it was wrong. I mean, I admit, some part of me feels that way, but its just the part thats scared...scared of being alone."
Sirius sighed, not wanting to get into this again. He'd barely escaped the first time."You're not alone."
"Yes I am. Ever since he left me...I feel torn, scattered...and the pieces that had him in it, were blown away in the wind."
"But you have Jimmy and Harry. They're not leftovers from a painful past, they're reminders of a beautiful future. One look in their eyes and you'll know...James never left us. He's there, alive, in them."
"I know that, but...you just don't understand..."
"I can't say I know exactly how you feel but, Remus, I miss him too...He was like my brother. Probably more so than Regulus ever was. He was the only real family I had."
"Its different for you. He was my mate...Even now, I can't function without him."
"Remus...You're a werewolf. So that means you're part wolf, but you're also part man. Men have the choice to move on after losing a lover. Even wolves find another mate if theirs dies. You have to move on." Sirius said, watching his friend's shoulders slump in hopelessness.
"But I can't."
"You CAN, I think you just don't want to. You're so used to being scared and loving only James, you've grown used to it. Its your safe place. But moving on means you're susceptible to new pain and you don't want to risk it."
The blond looked at him, stunned. "Sirius..."
"You can love one more time."
He gave a resigned sigh, idly circling the lip of his teacup."But can I?...Is it even possible to find someone to replace James?"
"Not replace. Just make new space in your heart for this person."
"How, Sirius? And where?"
"How? That part's up to you. Just know that James loved you." It was the harsh truth, Sirius finally admitted to himself. James had always loved Remus. Probably right down to the very last second he was alive...Remus needed closure though. He needed to let go...But telling him the truth of what had actually happened to James wasn't an option. It would continue to be a well-guarded secret known only by himself and Dumbledore, and now Harry. "And wherever he is, he'd want you to be happy. He wouldn't want this life for you, Remus. He'd want you to live and love."
Remus gave a soft sigh, looking up at him with a weak smile."...you're right, Sirius...Thank you."
"Anytime."
"What do I do now? Find someone? I wouldn't even know where to begin looking."
Sirius looked down at the frayed ends of his sweater and chose his next words carefully."Maybe...the person you were always meant to be with, is right under your nose..." Not waiting for his words to sink in quite yet, Sirius glanced at the grandfather clock and stood. "Hmm, its getting late, I better round up the boys and get them to bed."
Sirius had managed to get to the doorway before he was stopped.
"Sirius, wait."
The brunette turned on his heel, arching an innocent brow. "Hmm?"
"Earlier...you said something about a promise you made to James.."
His gut clenched and Sirius forced himself to remain nonchalant."...Yeah?"
Remus fiddled with his cup, his soft tawny hair falling in graceful unison across his cheeks as he looked back up."What was it?"
Sirius regarded his old friend and the scars of his life emblazoned like a scarlet letter across his jaw and neck. Would it be wise to finally tell him about the promise? It could work either way, really...He'd either fall deeper inlove with James or...or he'd see...Well, that was that. He was tired of keeping secrets and Remus had a right to know just how much he had always meant...to the both of them."The day before James went into hiding, he made me promise...if something happened to him, I'd look after his three most cherished treasures."
Remus' piercing amber eyes swirled with emotion, his posture sinking a little."Jimmy, Harry and Lily."
Sirius gave a soft smile and chuckled through his nose. Boy was he dense sometimes. But he guessed that was made him love him so much. "Well, I believe he always liked to call them his two suns...and his moon." The brunette lingered just long enough for the words to draw realization. Honey eyes widened and Sirius grinned warmly. "Goodnight, Moony."
Sirius left the werewolf to his thoughts and after shooing Jimmy and Ron into bed, headed off for his own. With a smile, he pushed RBW off his pillow and crawled in besides an already sound asleep Harry. He'd never tire of having the boy going to him for comfort and he'd never tire of nudging Remus along the right path and he'd never tire of exchanging brilliant banter with Jimmy.
Closing his grey eyes, Sirius left the day behind and rested up for another day of keeping his promise. The promise he made to James those eighteen years ago and the promise he meant to keep until the moment he died.