To Have and To Hold
Chapter 14
Christopher was already a very well-loved baby boy. He had several siblings that doted on him, his mommy and daddy was enthralled with him but his 'Auntie Christine' especially adored him. His birth had worn her out completely and she spent the next two days in her bed. Mike even had to carry her. She was also in constant pain and Mike had noticed bumps on her legs. He suspected the cancer was in her bones. At that rate, she wouldn't last long at all.
He had hoped that she would make it beyond Hannah's graduation, but he was beginning to wonder if she would even be able to attend. The sad part was Hannah seemed to instinctively know. About three days after Christopher's birth; he was downstairs with the baby so that Andrea could get some rest in the early morning hours before the other kids woke up and started fighting over who got to hold Christopher. He was shocked to see Hannah walk through the back patio and immediately opened the door for her.
"I saw the light on. I hope its okay that I come over?" Hannah asked as she sat down on one of the kitchen stools.
"Its always okay for you to come over but why so early?" Mike asked, and Hannah burst into tears. He laid Christopher down in his bouncy seat and wrapped his arms around Hannah. She cried for probably five minutes and all Mike could do was rub her back.
"I…guess I thought this whole time that Momma was somehow going to get all better. The doctor would call with some new treatment that would cure it. And she isn't going to get better, is she?" Hannah said between sobs.
"Oh, honey. I wish I could tell you that that was going to happen, but I can't. I wish I could. Your mom doesn't deserve to die in this kind of pain. I have seen…too many people die and most of them weren't the same sort of person as her, and they died in a lot less pain. It isn't fair at all." Mike told her. He knew it was no help, but he had to say something. Thankfully, Christopher was happy in his bouncy seat.
"I know its selfish but is she going to make it to my graduation?" Hannah asked as she wiped the tears.
"I don't know. I hope so. I know your mom has a lot of fight still in her and she will use the last ounce of it to be there if she has to." Mike told her.
"I…don't want her to do that. You can take a video of it and Momma can watch it here where its comfortable. I want her to use that last bit of strength to do something she really wants. She really wants to go to the beach one more time. I know she also really wants to be at my graduation, but the beach is for her; my graduation is for me. Can you figure out a way to get her to a beach?" Hannah asked.
"…Yes. I don't know how; but I will make it happen. How has your mom felt?" Mike asked.
"She spent most of the night crying because of the pain. If it wasn't for Hilary having to work yesterday and being so tired, she would have stayed up with Momma, but she needed to sleep so I did." Hannah admitted.
"You could have called me." Mike gently chastised her.
"I know but Momma is proud. I had to help her into the bathroom earlier and she was so ashamed. She puts on a good front in front of you, but she will never allow you to do these things for her. Its…just that Hilary is good at lifting her and I'm not. I'm afraid I will drop her and really hurt her. She's so fragile." Hannah explained, and Mike tilted her chin up so that she was looking at him.
"If something comes up and you need help lifting her, you call me. I will be right there." Mike told her, and Hannah nodded.
"But Andrea…you might have to help with some personal stuff and it might upset Andrea." Hannah worried.
"I will talk to Andrea and explain it, but I am certain she will understand. Just for clarification; what sort of personal stuff?" Mike asked so that he could give Andrea the full picture.
"On nights that Hilary has to work, Momma needs a shower. She's…sometimes she has trouble with her bladder. The bench helps but there is a little lip going into the shower. She can't always lift her feet up over that. On bad days. When Hilary is there, she knows how to maneuver Momma but I'm smaller then Hilary and my neck still hurts. I stretched something the other day and it's still sore." Hannah admitted.
"Oh, sweetheart. I wish I had known." Mike told her.
"It's okay. It's Momma and I didn't tell her. I don't want her to know. I've been icing it when she's been sleeping." Hannah assured him with no success.
"Alright, is it getting better?" Mike asked.
"Yeah." Hannah lied, and Mike gave her his best 'look.'
"Hannah? Do I need to take you to the doctor?" Mike asked.
"I don't think that's necessary. I'll be alright. I just don't want Momma to know. My question is, why would you do this for Momma? You and her…aren't married anymore?" Hannah asked.
"We…also didn't divorce. Its complicated. I never figured I would be in this situation. I still care very deeply for your mom. I love Andrea and she's my wife. But your mom; she is my first love. That's special. You can't replicate that. And for a long, long time; what your mom and I had was special, even specular. It was…amazing. Andrea knows and understands it because she had a similar relationship with Bill. She also had to watch her mom die from breast cancer. Her parents had divorced when Andrea was a toddler but when her mom become ill, similar to the stage that your mom is in now, she would remember a time in her life when she was happy; when she was newly married. Andrea seems to think that your mom will revert like her mom did. When she was young, in love, happy and her future was bright. Andrea wants your mom to have the peace that her mom didn't have so that means…I may have to play that part and Andrea will go along with it." Mike told her.
"I didn't know that. Momma has been talking a lot about the past. When she and you first met. Who knew you could be so romantic? She said that you guys always played Scrabble and you somehow spelled out 'Marry me?' on that board. Said that the engagement ring you got her was way out of budget too." Hannah said with a smile.
"I was just a young rookie cop and your mom only deserved the best. My dad fronted me the money because he didn't want me to finance the ring. I did yard and house work for a year to pay him off and our wedding was small but every time I look at her hand; I remember that. Him saying, 'Don't mortgage your future for happiness. Love doesn't take money. It just takes love. And Chrissy isn't the sort of girl that wants the moon, just a star or two." Mike reminisced.
"She has been looking at a lot of pictures too. Talking about things that happened. I didn't know that she had been accepted into medical school. Why didn't she go?" Hannah asked.
"She filled that form out and then discouraged herself. Threw it in the garbage. I fished it out and sent it off. Lo and behold; she got in despite the coffee stains. Harvard. But I had just joined the Navy a couple years before and didn't always do so good in the birth control department. She was pregnant with Lucas. We were in the height of a war, I was climbing ranks and had two little girls already, plus a baby on the way. I told her we would make it work but she didn't go. I know she doesn't regret it, but I regret it for her. I could have figured something out, so we could move to Boston as a family. My commission was up. I could have gone back to law enforcement to pay the bills, but your mom had dreams of me wearing the Admiral's Stars. Instead of Boston, we moved to Maine. She was miserable. She would never admit it though. That was the sort of wife and mom she was. Always putting us ahead of herself. After Lucas was born, she become a midwife. I never heard her complain about it. She loved midwifing. The hours were long and higher stress then nursing had been, but she took the mother and baby's health very seriously. To my knowledge, she has never lost a patient." Mike filled Hannah in.
"As tired as she is, she was thrilled to get to deliver Christopher. She sure loves him." Hannah said as she tickled the baby's foot and clucked at him.
"I hate that it cost her so much energy, but I would have never taken that from her." Mike stated.
"She says he looks like Lucas did. I don't see it." Hannah said as she studied the baby.
"He has Lucas's eyes and mouth. I think his hair will be lighter too, but it can change. Lucas resembled me and unfortunately; Christopher seems to favor me." Mike commented as he looked at the three-day old baby boy.
"Yeah, poor kid." Hannah teased.
"Hey, now. You resemble your mom closely but somewhere in there…I'm somewhere. Chin? Ears?" Mike teased back. It was an old joke.
"I'm taller then Momma. I read somewhere that kids get their height from their father but that doesn't explain Hilary. So…maybe my height?" Hannah told him.
"Maybe. You know, its fun when a baby is this age to theorize who they look like. When you were a baby your Gram thought you looked just like me but then your looks changed when you were about a year old. Babies become toddlers and then they lose that baby look. I always hated that. Babies like Christopher; they are fresh and new. Most of them haven't been faced with pain yet. Their parents, their siblings are their whole world. Within just a few years, pieces of their innocence go away. They start losing people. Its about to happen to the triplets and they don't understand it. And the part that really stinks is; your mom and I can't prepare them. Like you; it will hit them, probably after she dies. Until then, its probably not the greatest parenting but we let them keep that innocence." Mike commented.
"That's…sad. I hadn't thought of it like that. I just knew Momma didn't want them to know how sick she is and that's why she lets them live here rather then the guesthouse. Partly to help them bond with you but also to hide her illness to a point." Hannah stated.
"The part that I hate about that is that I think it causing your mom some sadness. They are slowly adjusting and not seeking her out. That was kind of the point, so that it wasn't a huge adjustment after she passed away, but it also is kind of sad for her too." Mike agreed.
"Has Andrea told you about the…well, it started out as letters, but she has switched to notebooks. Hilary splurged and got her nice leather-bound journals for all of us. She has one for each of us kids and then one for you and one for Andrea. I know Andrea's has favorite recipes and stuff in it. Not sure on the others. I…can't read them. Not sure when I will be able to read mine." Hannah commented.
"I knew she was writing letters and knew she had a notebook for Andrea with favorite recipes and quirks where you kids were concerned. Didn't know about the notebooks." Mike commented.
"Yeah. She's also been making quilts for us too. She is working on yours and Andrea's right now. When she is having bad nights and can't sleep, she sews or crochets. It's almost obsessive." Hannah told him.
"I…don't expect that and I know Andrea will agree with me." Mike objected. Christine had always sewn and quilted. It was her way of decompressing. She did beautiful work.
"Maybe but Momma feels…not obligated. She wants you to have something from her." Hannah stated.
"I do. I have you kids. There isn't a more precious gift." Mike told her sincerely.
"Something…okay, we're tangible so that's not the correct word. I don't know. I just know that Momma isn't going to give up until she gets the quilt finished. As much as I don't want her to die, I hate seeing her in pain; so, I've been helping her. I may end up finishing it for her, but it is getting done. She had Hilary scope out the colors that were in your bedroom and while I was recovering, I started helping her." Hannah told him.
"We probably won't put it on the bed though." Mike commented.
"She thought of that and has put these tabs on it. It can hang. Its big enough for the bed. Dad just accept it. It means a lot to Momma. She is putting a lot of love into that quilt. She did ask me and Hilary to do something and you and Andrea may disagree…" Hannah said, obviously hesitating.
"What?" Mike asked.
"She wears her wedding band and engagement ring on her right hand. She couldn't take it off completely, so she moved it…she wants them moved to her left hand after she dies." Hannah filled him in. Mike sit back in his chair and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure what to even think about it. "Dad, its okay if you don't want to do it. Neither of us have promised her. She wouldn't know." Hannah said as she patted his knee.
"Let me talk to Andrea. I know the rings…and the hands that they are on is symbolic but it…it's hard to explain. Just don't lie to her, okay?" Mike asked.
"I understand. I better go back over there." Hannah said as she stood up. She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He had to wonder if he had upset her by not immediately agreeing to it, but Andrea had a voice in it too. He and Andrea had a lot to talk about and he needed to get a day at the beach setup while Christine still could.
"You call if you need me, okay? I love you." Mike told her before she walked oud.
"I will. I love you too." Hannah said before leaving the main house. Mike looked down at Christopher and smiled. He picked the baby back up to begin the trek back upstairs.
"What do you think about that, Christopher?" Mike asked him, and Christopher cooed back at him. The baby's sweet innocence was the perfect medicine to Mike's pained spirit. He had hoped that he could remain strong for his kids, but it was not going to be easy.