Good morning! Whoa it feels like I was posting last week's chapter either yesterday or a million years ago. What even is time?
Anyway, how are you all? Well, I hope! My personal life continues to implode, then stabilize, then implode again, but I'm doing my best (what choice is there?) and keeping on. Something good, though! I've been rereading Tokyo Babylon and X as well to prepare for NaNoWriMo (is anyone else doing that?) because I was worried I'd gotten too far away from the canon, only to read Kamui say something I have him say almost exactly later on in this fic. It felt absolutely glorious, truly, until I started crying on the train and got weird looks. Whatever, shit happens.
Hmm... What else? OH, this chapter. THIS CHAPTER. It's another one I've actually been excited to post. It's a trip though, I'll say that out the gate, and even though it made me irrationally angry writing and editing it, I'm super pleased with it. I just hope you all don't get too mad at me!
All right, fic time!
It was lucky that Kamui had his date with Subaru to look forward to, because school suddenly became way more demanding and stressful over the following weeks. He made it through getting all his final assignments and the constant hype for prom by planning where he'd take Subaru, what they'd do. He hadn't gone on many actual dates before, and it was fun to think about, though he couldn't help but feel nervous.
On the last Saturday in April, Kamui was in his room, getting ready for Subaru to pick him up after a rather long and arduous day. His mother had dragged him to a college fair at school that morning, and it had put Kamui on the defensive for the rest of the afternoon. As he toweled his hair dry, he eyed the information packets he'd taken from NYU, Eugene Lang and Pace almost suspiciously, like they were accusing him of something.
"You don't want to look at any other part of the country?" His mother had asked.
"No way," Kamui replied, perplexed by the very idea. She gave him a knowing look, and he blushed but held her gaze.
"So there's no other Northeastern city you'd be interested in?"
"No," Kamui snapped. His mother raised her eyebrows. "It's not because of Subaru," he continued, rather defensively, his blush deepening.
"I didn't say it was," she replied, wearily. "I just want you to keep your options open."
Kamui rolled his eyes and dug in one of his drawers for the shirt he wanted. It wasn't because of Subaru that he was only looking at schools in New York City, that would just be stupid, but he couldn't deny it was a huge bonus. The now familiar vision came back to him, more clearly than ever, of himself as a college student, meeting Subaru for dinner at some cool, dark place below 14th Street.
However, before he could get too deep in, the doorbell rang. Kamui hurriedly checked his reflection in the mirror before sprinting to answer it, only to find his mother had gotten there first. She opened the door to Subaru, who looked absolutely exhausted.
"Hi," he said, as she stepped aside to let him in. "How are you?"
"Good, thank you." Kamui hurried forward and they both looked around at the same time. Subaru smiled as he locked eyes with Kamui, making his heart swell. "Where are you guys going?" His mother asked, quietly, after a moment. Subaru's expression turned expectant, and Kamui swallowed.
"The place down the street," he replied. "Where we went with Saya and Kotori."
"Good choice," his mother said, appreciatively. "When are you coming back?"
"Not late," Subaru assured her, and she smiled and nodded.
"All right, well have fun. I might be at work when you get back."
"I know. Love you, bye," Kamui muttered, seizing Subaru's hand and leading him back out of the apartment. He paused at the bottom of the stairs, gave Subaru's hand a squeeze, then kissed him. "Hi," he breathed.
"Hello." Kamui gave his hand another squeeze.
"I missed you," he said. Subaru's expression tightened.
"Did you?"
"Mmhmm." Kamui gave him another kiss, breathing in deeply through his nose, but only stayed there a moment before pulling away. Rather pink in the face, he opened the door, held it open for Subaru and followed him outside. "This way," he said, leading him down the sloping street.
"This area is so cute," Subaru said, looking around with interest.
"You think so?" Kamui asked, surprised.
"Yeah, I didn't really notice last time." Kamui just nodded, unsure what to say. Even though he'd lived here all his life, it felt weird leading someone else around like he knew where he was going, like he actually wanted to represent this place. However, as he followed Subaru's gaze, he could sort of see what he meant. It was a warm and beautiful spring evening, draped in a shimmering golden sunset. A gentle breeze blew up around them, making the fresh green leaves in all the trees shiver. He reflected that, now he was cementing his plans to finally leave Sagacity, he'd probably start to appreciate this neighborhood, notice all the small and pretty things he'd miss once he was gone.
"Here," Kamui said, stopping halfway down the street. He opened the door for Subaru and followed him into a sweet, cozy café. The walls were hung with plants and artwork, and the entire front wall was all windows with chipped paint between the panes of glass. Couples on dates and a few young families sat around mismatched tables, talking and laughing quietly. "Is this okay?" Kamui asked, looking anxiously at Subaru.
"It's great," he replied. A young woman approached them and told them to sit wherever they liked, so they chose a table in the front corner. She fetched them menus and glasses of water, then disappeared again. Subaru's eyes, and the dark shadows beneath them, caught the light filtering in through the windows. Kamui looked at him in some concern, but then he spoke first. "So how have you been?" Kamui raised his eyebrows.
"Fine, I guess," he replied. "Just school stuff." Now Subaru raised his eyebrows. "I missed you," Kamui added, and Subaru's expression tightened and he looked away.
"Mm." Kamui bit down on the inside of his lip. Subaru's expression was strange, tense and stressed. Was this all just thesis stuff, or was there something he wasn't telling him? Again, he spoke before he could ask. "That's all you did?" He was still facing away, but his eyes were up towards Kamui, catching the light even more beautifully.
"Um," Kamui replied, still wary of his expression. However, Subaru just heaved a heavy sigh and sat up straight again.
"Sorry," he said, running his fingers through his hair as if trying to collect himself.
"It's okay!" Kamui assured him, his eyes wide.
"I've just been so deep in thesis it's like," he broke off, shaking his head despairingly. "Anyway, what's up, seriously? I need to hear about something else." His tone seemed more normal, but Kamui still hesitated. "What about your friend? The one who you said had a breakdown, is she okay?" Kamui bit down on the inside of his lip, but knew Subaru wasn't to be dissuaded or distracted. He took a sip of water.
"She's better," he said, appreciating the question in spite of himself. "I think talking about it helped, but," he shrugged.
"Talking supposedly helps," said Subaru.
"Yeah, but it still sucks for her, especially now Sorata and Arashi are going to prom together." Subaru nodded. "I feel bad, you know? But like, what the fuck can I even say?" Subaru sighed heavily.
"Nothing."
"Exactly." Kamui sighed and took another sip of water.
"Wait, are you going to prom?" Subaru asked, as though it had only just occurred to him.
"I can't, it's the same night as your show." Subaru's eyes widened.
"What?!" Now Kamui's eyes widened. "You can't skip your prom for me!" Subaru continued, trying and failing to keep his voice down.
"What the fuck?" Kamui shot back, feeling bewildered and rather hurt. "I don't care about prom! Besides, it's not like I could take you, so who cares?" Subaru opened his mouth to argue back, but before he could their server appeared to take their order. Distracted, they both hurriedly picked up their menus and ordered what they wanted. Their server took them and disappeared again. Kamui watched her go, then returned his gaze to Subaru, feeling a weird mix of apprehension and challenge. Subaru, however, just sighed and looked away, making Kamui's heart speed up sharply. "What?" He asked, doing his utmost to sound concerned rather than impatient. Subaru winced, and Kamui's stomach clenched. "Sorry, I, what is it?"
"Nothing, just, I feel bad."
"It's okay!" Kamui cried. "It, I mean… Did you want to go?"
"No!" Subaru burst out, then immediately flushed guiltily. "That's not what I meant, I'm sorry." He ran his fingers through his hair and took a sip of water while Kamui wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs. "I just… You're right. It's not like you could take me." Kamui nodded in agreement. However, for the first time, he actually imagined bringing Subaru, of dancing with him, but then forced his mind away just as quickly. He didn't need that. He was going to his art show, besides,
"There's always next year," he said, though immediately he remembered Subaru would be back in New York. The same thought seemed to strike Subaru, because his expression suddenly tightened again. They looked at each other for another taut, painful second, before Kamui took Subaru's hand under the table. He looked surprised, but squeezed it in return. "I um, I went to a college fair at school today," Kamui said, wanting to change the subject.
"Did you?" Subaru asked, gratefully, squeezing his hand tighter.
"Yeah! It was weird though." Subaru actually laughed, and Kamui's heart swelled in his chest.
"Weird how?" Kamui shrugged.
"It all just felt artificial, like a fucked up version of a dealer's room at a con." Again, Subaru laughed, and Kamui grinned across the table. "Seriously though! It was creepy, and everyone was stressed out."
"That sucks!" Subaru cried, though he was still laughing.
"Right?"
"Do you-" But at that moment their server appeared again with their dinner. They thanked her as she set down their plates, and for a moment their conversation shifted to how good everything was. "So, do you know where you want to go to school?" Subaru asked, after a while. Kamui swallowed his mouthful.
"Um, not really," he replied, rather awkwardly. "But I was thinking of NYU or Eugene Lang. Pace if I get desperate." Subaru laughed.
"That's everyone's plan who wants to come to New York," he said, playfully, but then his expression stiffened and he stared Kamui hard in the face. Kamui felt his stomach disappear and he shook his head violently.
"It's not- I mean I just want to leave Sagacity and I've always loved New York, so," he broke off, trying to banish the happy vision of them together to the back of his mind.
"I," Subaru began, looking terribly anxious all of a sudden.
"Don't worry about it, okay?" Kamui interrupted. "It's my choice. Plus I still have a year to go, so…" Subaru just looked away with a sigh and pulled his hand out of Kamui's grip to run his fingers through his hair. Kamui felt the action like a punch to the gut and clasped his hands together in his lap. He wanted to reach out, grasp and cling, ask for more, but he was sure that'd just make it worse. However, he couldn't take the anxiety and the uncertainty. He gathered his courage. "Subaru?"
"Can we just talk about something else, please?" He asked.
"Yeah." Kamui pushed his food around with his fork, though continued to watch Subaru. He looked even more drained and exhausted than ever, Kamui had no idea what to do and it was absolutely killing him. He cast around for another topic, something that wasn't about them, but it was impossible when he felt so consumed with their immediate circumstances, not to mention their future.
"This is good," Subaru said, finally, and Kamui seized on the words gratefully even though they'd already talked about it. The rest of dinner passed in tense conversation that made Kamui practically faint with anxiety. However, he persevered, and at last they paid and were back outside. Subaru lit a cigarette as they started to walk back to Kamui's apartment, and his face was tense and he kept sighing.
"Subaru?" Kamui asked, again trying to sound concerned rather than impatient, even as his worry was driving him insane.
"What? Sorry." Kamui hesitated, then took his hand.
"Did I do something wrong?" Subaru stopped walking so abruptly he made Kamui do an awkward swaying about face. His heart sped up sharply as he looked at Subaru with wide, frightened eyes. Subaru held his gaze for a moment, his expression almost disgusted, then finished his cigarette, threw the butt onto the ground and stepped on it.
"No," he said in a weak, constricted voice. "No of course not, it's-" He ran his fingers through his hair. Kamui looked around surreptitiously, spotted a niche in between two buildings halfway down the block and pulled Subaru into it.
"Hey," he said, squeezing his upper arms. "What happened?" Subaru said nothing, and Kamui could practically feel it all, whatever it all was, rising up inside him. He shuddered, aware of it in his own body as though they were in tune, feeling overwhelmed but also terrifyingly curious. However, Subaru just closed his eyes and heaved a heavy sigh.
"Nothing, I'm sorry," he said, his voice still weak. "You didn't do anything, I'm just," but he broke off. Kamui made a soft, pained noise in his throat and pulled Subaru into an embrace, holding him as tightly as he could.
"It's okay," he said, and Subaru stiffened in his arms, then shuddered and sagged against him, suddenly so much heavier. Kamui let out another soft, pained noise and held him closer, feeling a rush of tangled, hurtful emotions in his own chest.
"I'm so sorry," Subaru groaned.
"Why? You didn't do anything!" Subaru shook his head and pulled away, holding Kamui at arm's length. They stared hard at each other. Subaru looked ready to scream, or cry, or throw up, and Kamui had no idea what to do, so they just continued staring at each other. The seconds dragged, slowly and painfully, until Subaru's expression seemed to deflate as if he'd given up. He let go of Kamui and wrapped his arms around himself, staring at the dirty ground between them.
"Do you still want to come to the student showcase?"
"What?" Kamui spluttered, utterly confused. "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
"You still want to come?"
"Yeah of course, but-"
"Okay," Subaru replied, looking him in the face again and smiling a very tight smile. "Okay." Kamui stared back at him incredulously, silently demanding an explanation he wasn't sure he was allowed to ask for. "You don't need to dress up or anything, it's really not that big a deal."
"Okay," Kamui said, slowly.
"And you can buy prints of people's work if you like it!"
"Right," Kamui said, becoming more alarmed by the second.
"And-"
"Subaru, chill!" Kamui interrupted. "I'm coming to your show and I don't care about missing prom and it's gonna be fine, okay?" Subaru said nothing. "Okay?" Subaru shuddered as if jolted back to the present, to the conversation, to Kamui's fear and uncertainty. An unpleasant flush crept up his neck.
"Sorry," he said, very quietly. "I'm just stressed, I don't know."
"Yeah," Kamui replied. "Yeah no shit." Subaru's mouth twitched as though he were about to smile, and Kamui took his hand again. "It's okay, just two more weeks and you're done," he continued, bracingly, though his heart ached as he said it and a pained spasm crossed Subaru's face, but he nodded.
"True." They were quiet for a moment, and though things seemed to have calmed, Kamui was still worried, and he wasn't sure if the anxiety was Subaru's or his own or just in the air. Either way, he didn't like it. He pulled Subaru into another embrace, and again he seemed to sag against him, his face in his neck. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"'Sokay," Kamui whispered back. Subaru pulled away and looked him in the face.
"Let's get you home." Kamui didn't like the idea of leaving Subaru by himself until he was satisfied he was all right. However, he knew better than to argue. He took Subaru's hand and led him slowly back up the hill. Subaru took out his phone to text someone, probably his ride home, and Kamui already felt him slipping away. He wanted to hold him tighter, pull him close again, but he was reminded forcibly of the morning after the Dreaming Princess show a million years ago. Subaru had pulled in and become completely unreachable then, too. Kamui's heart ached. He wished he could slow down time, make the walk home take forever, because at least then they were together physically. However, all too soon they were back outside Kamui's building, and his aching heart leapt up into his throat. They faced each other, still holding hands.
"I guess I'll see you on the 14th?" Kamui asked, swallowing. Subaru nodded. Kamui gave his hand one last squeeze, then kissed him goodbye. "Text me when you get home?"
"I will." Kamui stayed close as long as he dared, then finally let go.
"Bye."
"Bye." Kamui's throat burned, but he turned and headed back inside, watching Subaru over his shoulder as he shut the door. He walked slowly up to his apartment, his footsteps echoing in the dusty silence, or was that just his heartbeat? Fear and hurt churned his guts and his mind was spinning faster now Subaru was gone. Gone physically and mentally too. As much as he'd tried to reassure Kamui it was just stress from the show, he didn't believe him, and that was more painful than he could ever have imagined. Why couldn't Subaru just tell him what was wrong? He was there to listen, to help!
He unlocked his apartment door and pushed it open, finding his living room dark and empty. His mother must have already left for work. Kamui sighed and texted her to let her know he was home, then kicked off his shoes and strode back to his room.
He threw himself into bed and placed his phone on his bedside table before pulling his laptop towards him and opening it. AIM opened automatically and he immediately tried to close it, not wanting to talk to anyone, but then the computer froze. Kamui cried out in frustration, moved his fingers back and forth across the mouse pad and smashed the button. Fortunately, the computer got over it and unfroze, though the fan was whirring ominously. Kamui rolled his eyes and received IMs from Sorata, Yuzuriha and Kotori, all asking how his night with Subaru went. Kamui's nerves tautened and he closed all three, only to have another pop up.
DxOxE :: Kamui
DxOxE :: don't ignore me i seriously wanna talk to you
Kamui stared at the message for a full ten seconds, then felt his bitter feelings flash heat and erupt inside him, flushing his skin and searing his nerves. He seized his phone and called Fuuma, his hands shaking with rage rather than fear for the first time ever. The call went to voicemail. Kamui tried again, breathing hard through his nose. The call also went to voicemail, but an IM went off.
DxOxE :: why the fuck are you calling me?
"Are you serious?!" Kamui yelled at the computer screen, mashing the keys as he replied.
k4mui :: YOU SAID YOU WANNA TALK TO ME
k4mui :: FUCKING TALK TO ME
He tried calling Fuuma a third time.
"You're so dramatic, what the fuck?" Kamui felt a head rush and swayed where he sat, clutching at his headboard. It had been so long since he'd heard Fuuma's voice, and even though he was obviously furious- "Hello?" Kamui swallowed a sudden unexpected rush of emotion and blinked the burning feeling out of his eyes.
"What do you want?!" He demanded, reaching for his anger and holding onto it like a lifeline.
"Why the fuck are you screaming at me? I just want to talk." Kamui jumped out of bed and began to pace back and forth across his room.
"You always say that!"
"And you always reply, what's your point?"
"Yeah, well I'm done!" Kamui cried, heat rushing up his neck and face. "I'm dating someone else, and-"
"Yeah, because that stopped you last time," Fuuma reminded him, and Kamui knew just from his tone that he was smirking.
"It's stopping me this time!" He snapped, the anger inside him suddenly corrosive, painful. "I'm done! I don't ever wanna speak to you again! FUCK YOU!" He gasped, his chest heaving so powerfully it was making him dizzy. He closed his eyes, listening to the silence on the other end of the line.
"I was just gonna tell you I'll be in Sagacity on the 14th for a show," Fuuma said, and Kamui shuddered violently. "But I guess you don't wanna meet up." Kamui covered his eyes with his other hand, his face contorted with pain and fury.
"Fuck you, Fuuma," he said, snapping his phone closed. He threw it as hard as he could onto his bed and fell forward after it, seizing a pillow and curling up tightly around it. He felt disgusting, furious and ashamed of himself. Even after months of thinking he was over it, hearing Fuuma's voice was still enough to bring back all those emotions, to make him real again, rather than just someone to get off with online in moments of weakness. For that five minute phone call, Fuuma turned back into the guy Kamui had met across a fire pit, the guy who had led him away from the first person he'd ever loved, broad strong shoulders, intoxicating kisses and new pleasure.
DxOxE :: are you ready?
k4mui :: i think so
Kamui blushed as he typed the message, but felt it was actually sort of true. They'd tried the last few times they'd seen each other, but it wouldn't work for one reason or another. Kamui would just blow Fuuma instead, and Fuuma would jerk him off. However, Kamui had been practicing, he was prepared, and Fuuma was leaving in two weeks for his fall semester.
DxOxE :: cool be there in 20
Kamui swallowed. He was nervous, and it was different from how he'd felt with Kotori. She and Kamui had talked about it as something to bring them closer together, as another way of making each other feel good. It had felt so natural, so right. Now, it was something Fuuma had told him he wanted, something he'd been hyping up constantly since he'd first floated the idea, and Kamui had no idea what to expect. An IM notification sounded, startling him back to Earth.
Littlebirdxo :: Kamui?
Kamui stared, stunned at the message for a second, then slammed his laptop shut and looked away, his face burning. He really didn't want to think about Kotori right now, though it seemed his body did. He remembered, deep and visceral, her beneath him, her legs around his waist, the look on her face, her moans and gasps and kisses. Afterwards she'd curled up around him, her head on his chest, and he'd held her close and stroked her hair. Then they'd gone a second time, with her on top, which they'd both agreed was better. He wondered how he and Fuuma would do it, how many times, if they'd cuddle afterwards too.
He shook his head and began to get dressed, waiting for the feelings to drain away before gathering his things and opening his bedroom door. He proceeded down the hall, past his mother's room.
"Kamui?" He stopped and sighed irritably.
"What?"
"Where are you going?"
"Out," he replied, more bravely than he felt. His mother raised her eyebrows.
"Excuse me?" Kamui shuddered, but stood his ground.
"Out," he repeated. "With Fuuma, he's picking me up." He could tell she wasn't happy.
"Where are you going?"
"A show."
"When will you be home?"
"I dunno! Maybe never!" His mother closed her book with a snap.
"I'll ask you again," she said, her voice lowering dangerously. "When will you be home?" Kamui blushed. He had no idea how to answer her. How long would it all take? "Ten," his mother answered for him. "At the latest."
"That's way too early!" Kamui cried, outraged.
"Stop it," his mother snapped. "Be home by ten or you'll be sorry, do you understand?" Kamui shuddered. Once some variant of "or you'll be sorry," came out he knew she wasn't playing.
"Fine," he said, very resentfully. He turned and stomped through the living room and out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
Kamui moaned into his pillow and got under the covers. His heart was beating in his throat and his guts were burning with guilt and shame. He obviously hadn't made it home in time, and it was nowhere near worth it.
The moment Kamui had gotten into Fuuma's car, he'd pressed his hand between his legs and sped them away.
"I missed you," he said, quietly, and Kamui just moaned in response, his eyes closed. They arrived in Fuuma's dorm to find it full of people: Yuuto and Satsuki were hanging out with what looked like the rest of the floor, passing around several joints and a plastic liquor bottle. Kamui looked to Fuuma anxiously, still half hard in his jeans. "The fuck is this?" Fuuma asked, taking one of the joints from Yuuto and inhaling. He passed it to Kamui, who took a hit because he couldn't think of what else to do, while Yuuto and Satsuki just exchanged rather stupid grins. "Whatever, Fuuma said, taking the joint back from Kamui and inhaling from it again. He sat down on his bed and pulled Kamui into his lap.
Kamui leaned against him and kept his eyes averted. He'd always hated these people to some degree, but this was the first time he actually really didn't want to be around them, even with Fuuma as his buffer and bodyguard. He wanted more than anything to leave, but he couldn't: not when he'd promised Fuuma, not when he was ready, not when they both wanted it.
The minutes dragged by. Kamui thought of texting Sorata or Yuzuriha, but had no idea what he'd say, so he just sat on Fuuma's lap, his eyes closed, listening vaguely to the conversation and contributing only when it was absolutely necessary. Fuuma would try at regular intervals to make everyone leave, becoming more and more cold and explicit each time. However, it was only after he'd said "all of you get the fuck out" three times that they finally did, talking vaguely of going to get food. Relieved, Kamui checked the time, and his heart sank. It was nearly ten already. He watched everyone go, his mouth dry, but then Fuuma made a contemptuous noise and kissed him hard on the mouth and shoved his hand into his pants.
Kamui seized another pillow and held it over his head, trying to block out the memories. However, he could still feel Fuuma's hands and mouth all over him, his fingers inside, and then,
"Relax, it'll feel better in a second." Kamui tried, but it didn't feel anywhere near as good as his fingers. His eyes watered and he shut them, his arms and legs tight around Fuuma.
"Ah!" He cried out and his eyes flew open as, for the briefest second, Fuuma found a good angle, but then just as quickly lost it again. Kamui stared up at the ceiling, his insides burning, listening to Fuuma breathing hard in his ear. At least he was enjoying himself.
"Oh fuck!" Kamui shuddered as Fuuma came, then winced as he pulled out. He made Kamui come with his hand, and they'd cuddled together for a few minutes. Kamui lay across Fuuma's chest, a weird feeling inside him and an ache in his heart. Then Fuuma reached for his cellphone, suddenly businesslike. "Shit, I should probably get you home, huh?"
"I-" But Fuuma just got up and began to get dressed. Kamui blushed and sat up with another wince, the ache in his heart intensifying. He felt weirdly in his body as he began to get dressed. It had been the same after his night with Kotori, but… He shuddered and his eyes burned suddenly. He didn't want to think about her right now.
"Hey, let's go." They didn't speak the entire time Fuuma was signing him out of his dorm, or on the whole drive back. It didn't bother Kamui necessarily, but as they turned up his street, he realized Fuuma hadn't touched him at all since he'd gotten out of bed.
"Fuuma?" He asked, very hesitantly.
"What's up?" Fuuma's eyes were fixed on the road.
"Do you wanna hang out soon?" He hated the fear in his voice. He shouldn't be worried, not after what had just happened. Everything was worth it now, wasn't it? Fuuma just smirked, his eyes still on the road.
"There's a party next weekend I might go to." Kamui nodded, not sure what exactly he meant but choosing to hear "let's go together."
"Okay." They pulled up outside Kamui's building, and he unbuckled his seatbelt, his eyes still on Fuuma, who looked back at him curiously. Kamui leaned forward and kissed him.
"Bye," he said, smirking, and Kamui stayed close as long as he dared before getting out of the car. He heard Fuuma pull away the moment his back was turned, and it felt like he was taking half of his guts with him. A hot, sticking night breeze swirled around Kamui and he reached for his phone. His mother had called him way too many times, but there was also a text from Kotori. His eyes burned as a wave of emotion began to build inside him, but he fought it as hard as he could and headed resolutely back upstairs.
The ensuing fight had been the worst Kamui had ever had with his mother. He couldn't remember specifics, it was all a blur of heated emotions and raised voices, until she told him he wasn't allowed out at night for the rest of the summer.
"You just don't like Fuuma and you're still mad at me because of Kotori!" His mother rolled her eyes.
"It has nothing to do with that!" Kamui screamed in frustration.
"NO-"
"Just be honest with me, Kamui!"
Kamui shuddered. The worst part was they hadn't reconciled, not until the following Saturday, not until…
He sat up, his pillow and blankets sliding off of him and onto the floor. He managed to force his mind away, though not before he'd started to cry.
Subaru ended up walking about half of the way home before his friend came to pick him up. He pulled up in front of a fire hydrant on Memorial Boulevard, and Subaru slumped into his passenger's seat.
"How'd it go?" His friend asked, rolling down the window preemptively. Subaru said nothing and lit the last cigarette in his pack, even though his mouth was tingling from all of those he'd already smoked. "All right, all right, I get it." Subaru shifted guiltily and exhaled smoke out of the window.
He felt mortified at how he'd lost control like that, at how Kamui had had to take care of him. He wasn't even sure what had freaked him out so much, and the last thing he felt like doing was exploring and trying to figure it out. He remembered Hokuto telling him to keep talking after he and Seishiro had split up, as if that were an easy thing to do, as if it were something he wanted to do. He took another drag from his cigarette, closed his eyes and exhaled smoke through his nose. He knew she was just trying to help, just as Kamui had tried to help earlier, and he absolutely hated it. His friend pulled up outside Subaru's building with a soft screech.
"Thank you," he said, unbuckling his seatbelt. "I'll buy you a drink after the showcase." His friend snorted, and Subaru could see the concern just under his smile. However, before he could say anything about it,
"Take care, all right?" He said, quietly. Subaru couldn't think of a reply, so he just said goodbye, got out of the car and stomped out his cigarette before going back up to his apartment. His roommate was on the couch, working, her face pale and exhausted. They'd mostly reconciled since their argument, but things were still strained and awkward. He began to make his way to his bedroom, but paused when she spoke.
"You still haven't ended it, have you?" Subaru felt the shame creep down the back of his neck and spread throughout his body. He stayed put, but didn't turn around, listening to her shuffling papers. "I still say you could make it work if you tried." Subaru closed his eyes, feeling like his chest was collapsing in on itself. "Either way, though," she continued, slowly. "I support you." Subaru just trudged to his bedroom and slammed the door.
From one of my dear friends: New litmus test for craziness: would LTS Subaru do it? If yes, it's crazy. If no, it's less crazy. LOL. Oof. Well then. Subaru's art show is next week, PREPARE YOURSELVES!
I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!