Herbology

"Right," said Beth as I joined her at the Slytherin table, "I've narrowed it down to this list."

"Of what," I said, taking the proffered parchment curiously.

"Of suitors," she said, as though I was mentally impaired.

I perused the list with interest, "so what exactly is the criteria here?"

"Rich, hot, taller than me in heels, and single." (TS)

"Is that also the order of priority?" I joked.

"Yes," she replied.

I raised my eyebrows at her and looked back at the list, "there's a guy in Hogwarts called Tarquin?" I laughed.

"Yes, he is of high potential."

"Augustus Merryweather? He's been crossed off?"

"Mm," she said through a mouthful of cereal, "Hufflepuff."

"Of course," I replied, "but Cedric Diggory's still on here?"

"His Quidditch skills redeem him."

I nodded in understanding, "I notice Charlie's not on here," I said with a wry smile.

"He's not rich," she replied, bristling.

"You mean his parents aren't rich. But Charlie's tipped to be incredibly successful when he leaves," I said, taking a bite of toast.

She narrowed her eyes at me, then over my shoulder at the Gryffindor table, then back at me.

"…no," she said finally.

"But he fulfils all your criteria," I cried happily.

"I don't care," she said, snatching back the parchment.

"So what exactly is this sudden list in aid of?"

"Sudden?" she cried, "I've been compiling this list for months!"

"Okay," I spluttered, "but why…?"

"Valentine's day," she simply, again seeming to question my mental stability.

"Of course, Valentine's day, why wouldn't you be making a list of suitors for Valentine's day…" I said quite seriously.

"You have a date, so I need a date," she concluded.

"Okay…"

"Anyway, who do you think I should choose. And if you say Charlie, I stab you with my fork."

I opened my mouth in dear temptation, but swallowed it back, "give me the list again."

I perused it a moment.

"Rob Timms…?" I queried.

"Ravenclaw. Parent's deal in Unicorn hair."

"Tarquin Whitby…?" I sniggered.

"Slytherin," she announced proudly, "Old money."

"Eldred Wenlock?"

"Gryffindor, descendant of famous Arithmancer Bridget Wenlock who established the magical properties of the number seven."

"Interesting, Tiberius Zarkoff?"

"Slytherin, his family is highly connected."

"Roger Davies?"

"Ravenclaw, father's a successful investment banker."

"A what?"

"I'm not sure… something to do with muggle money…"

"So is he rich in muggle money, or wizard money?"

"I'm not sure… but rich is rich."

"Of course it is Beth. Caspar Withers…?"

"Slytherin, descendant of Lord Stoddard Withers, the first breeder of winged horses."

"Impressive..." I said, gazing at the list.

"So what do you think? Which one?"

"Well, Beth, have any of them actually asked you out? Or showed any interest in you at all?"

"No," she said firmly, as if this wasn't a problem.

"So what exactly is your plan here? Pick one and then… exert your feminine whiles…?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she cried, "I'm going to slip them a love potion."

My jaw dropped, "Beth, you can't do that!"

"Why not?" she asked, perfectly seriously.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it's illegal for one, and also, you've burnt through seventeen cauldrons in your Hogwarts career. Seventeen."

"Insignificant detail."

"Oh yeah, cauldrons, oesophagus', what's the difference ay?"

She merely rolled her eyes at me.

"So what, keep them doped up on the potion until you're married? Then slit their throat on your wedding night? Inherit the money?"

"No... but that's a bloody good idea!" she announced, snatching back the parchment and scribbling furiously.

"Oh for God's sake…" I sighed.

"Right," she mumbled to herself, "I think it's going to have to be a Slytherin…"

"Oh please not Tarquin…" I pleaded.

"Okay, I think I'll go for Tiberius then."

"So which one is he?" I asked, craning my neck round to look down the table.

Beth glanced round nonchalantly, then turned back to me.

"The good-looking blonde near the middle of the table. Has slightly angry looking eyebrows and an aura of self-importance?"

"Well that doesn't rule out many when it comes to Slytherins…"

"I have an aura of self-importance?"

"Yes, and a smug nose." (TS)

Peri slipped into the seat next to me, and picked up the parchment, "What's this?"

"Beth's hit list," I said, just as Dora joined us, looking slightly alarmed.

"What is it really," Peri pushed.

"It's my list of Valentine suitors," Beth announced.

"All of these people have asked you to Valentines?" Peri asked incredulously, looking back at the list.

"Er…" Beth began.

"Oh no," I chimed in, "this is the list of hot, tall rich guys Beth's compiled so she can decide which one to date rape."

"I'm not going to date rape them!"

"Well, you have to consummate a marriage for it to be validated so…" I trailed off.

Peri was also now looking quite alarmed as she looked back at the list.

"She's gone for Tiberius," I said, "and was just trying to point him out for me," I craned my neck round again, looking for blondes.

"Oh," said Peri, looking round also, "there he is, the first blonde down the line from Malfoy's left."

I located Beth's victim, and eyed him curiously. He was pretty hot.

I then glanced over at the Gryffindor table, and caught Charlie's eyes, who motioned over to Beth and waved his hands in encouragement.

I cleared my throat, "Beth, you don't need love potion, here, I'll ask if you're nervous," and I stood up and yelled, "Hey, Tiberius!"

He looked over at me indignantly.

"Fancy taking my mate Beth out for Valentine's day?" I shouted, and Beth looked at me with pure murder in her eyes. It actually made my blood run a little cold.

Tiberius looked over at Bethany, appraised her, and then replied, "I'm sure I could take her off your hands for an evening."

My eyes widened in shock, and I looked back at Beth, whose face matched mine, she then seemed to gather her wits and shot him an alluring smile, which he returned, turned to whisper something to his friends, then stood up, walked over to us and presented his arm to Beth.

"May I escort you to Potions, and we can make some arrangements?"

Beth simply smiled and let out a kind of whimper, took his arm, picked up her bag and mouthed "Oh my god!" to us as she left.

I watched the proceedings with utter horror, then looked over at Charlie who mouthed, "What the f**k?" and waved at me wildly to come over there.

Oops.

"Come on guys," I said, and got up to head over to Gryffindors, and Dora and Peri happily followed not wanting to be left alone with the Slytherins.

"Hey," I said, as I sat happily next to Wood and then peeped cautiously at Charlie.

He didn't look very happy.

"What the hell just happened?" he hissed, darting a look at Peri and Dora to check they weren't listening.

"I may have unintentionally… got Beth a date for Valentine's day," I mumbled.

"How?" he demanded.

"Well he wasn't meant to say yes!" I cried.

"Again… a very low opinion of your friend…"

"Well, if it makes you feel better, she's only with him because he's hot, rich and taller than her."

"That doesn't make me feel better."

"Okay, but maybe if I tell you that when I suggested you for Valentine's day, she did consider you for at least thirty seconds before she refused point blank."

"You know just what to say to make a guy feel special," he said sarcastically, "you're a lucky one Ollie."

"Sure am," said Wood, not looking up from his notes on the upcoming match against Ravenclaw.

I assessed this and added, "And I'm a lucky one too," to Charlie, who smirked.

"So, what's our plan for Valentine's Wood? Romantic one on one game of Quidditch, and then an invite to the afternoon team practice?" I joked.

He opened his mouth, closed it, then replied, "No…" and blushed furiously.

"Oh god..." I said, and buried my face in my hands on the table as Charlie laughed hard.

"But you like Quidditch!" he cried, and I groaned and then looked up at Charlie, who only laughed harder.

Wood looked helplessly between the two of us, and I heaved myself up and said, "See you in class Casanova."

Charlie quickly caught up with me to walk to Potions

"To be fair, I thought you would have liked the Quidditch match," he said.

I sighed heavily, "I would have, if there was literally anything we did other than Quidditch. Talk about it, think about it, play it. Anything. He even uses breakfast goods to map out plays, have you seen that?"

"He's my best friend, of course I've seen it."

"By this point my perfect Valentine's would literally be a Quidditch free day," I admitted.

We'd reached the dungeon by this point and I looked over to Beth and I's usual desk. But in my seat, sat Tiberius Zarkoff.

They were absorbed in eager conversation, and I stared at her in outrage. She looked up eventually and just gave me a thumbs up before turning back to Tiberius.

"Son of a banshee," I muttered, and turned to look at Charlie, who had a dead look in his eyes, "Sorry buddy," I added, and moved off to find an empty seat.

I walked past Beth's Slytherin cronies, Felicia Calchas and Celestina Nitt, and they gave me dirty sneering looks, subtly mocking my loner status, and I died a little inside. Not really, I just smiled and flipped them the finger before I slid miserably next to seat next to Tiberius' abandoned friend.

"Hey, call me Snow," I said, stretching out my hand pleasantly. He looked at it a little disgusted, but shook it amiably before announcing in a highly pretentious burr, "Tarquin."

I later traipsed miserably out of the dungeons, having royally screwed up my potion under Tarquin's 'helpful', conceited suggestions, and lost five points for Gryffindor for singeing his eyebrows when it exploded.

I spotted Dora waiting in the entrance hall ready for our Herbology lesson, but she looked highly uncomfortable. That's when I saw she was with someone...

"So, Dora…" leered Bernard Leach, "do you have a plan for Valentine's yet…" he waited for her answer eagerly.

"Uh…" Dora began before I rushed in and cried, "Dora! Better get down to Herbology, you know how I hate to be late!" and grabbed her by the arm, steering her off towards the grounds.

"Thank you," she breathed, and shuddered a little.

"So, what are your plans for Valentines? You and Seth going for a loving ride on the giant squid?"

She didn't say anything for a second, then replied, "Well, I know you're probably joking, but I actually am spending it with Seth..." (TS-ish)

I stopped dead in my tracks, "Are you serious?"

She nodded, and blushed feverishly and my face broke into a grin, "Are you together now?"

She nodded again.

"Have you kissed?"

She blushed further, and I ran off back towards the castle shouting, "I'll be right back!"

I skidded into the entrance hall and spotted Beth luckily still lingering as she was talking to Tiberius.

"Beth!" I cried and she looked round at me, startled, "Dora and Seth are together!"

"What?" she cried.

"And they've kissed!"

"Holy crap," and then looked deep in thought, "you know, I can't imagine Dora being in a romantic relationship."

"Yeah, me neither… maybe with a cat." (TS)

"Yeah…"

"Anyway, Herbology!" I cried, "watch her around children," I added to Tiberius as I ran out, then ran into Bernard who was looking miserable, and added, "Sucks to be you buddy…"

Professor Sprout rolled her eyes as I sidled in late, but she'd long given up reprimanding me for it.

"Okay class, today we'll be studying the properties of Gillyweed. If you look down in front off you you'll see you each… Oh my lord Miss Dobbs! Did you just eat some?" she shrieked.

She stared at her, wide-eyed and terrified.

"I… I-I don't know why… it was just there… and I was nervous about having told Snow… and when I get nervous I get hungry… and my hand just… there was nothing I could do… mind of it's own…" she stammered away until something caught her breath.

Her hand sprung to her mouth, then to the sides of her neck as the gills began to develop.

"Oh my god Dora, I leave you alone for two minutes!" I shrieked, rushing over, but I could merely watch, completely stunned into submission at her stupidity.

She began to hop uncomfortably from foot to foot.

That'll be the webbed feet, I thought.

Then she fell to the floor, and began to flop around like a fish...

...and for the life of me, I now couldn't stop laughing.

She looked like a Magikarp from that awesome muggle series Pokemon.

And then as soon as I thought that, all I could then hear was Magikarp's voice in my head as she flopped about… 'Karp.. karp…karp…'

Sprout by this point at least had sprung into action, demanding everyone move out of the way as she stormed forward. Whirling her wand over her head she conjured a huge ball of water, which she then levitated Dora into.

She fell into like a goldfish into a bowl.

At this I was crying.

"Miss Snow, when you're quite finished, if you could take Miss Dobbs to the hospital wing?" she said sternly.

I nodded weakly and retrieved my wand, muttering the words to control Dora's 'bowl'. She shook her fist at me angrily as I continued to peel with laughter, guiding her out of the greenhouse and toward the castle.

After she returned to normal, she avoided us the rest of the day, but we soon caught up with her and Seth at dinner.

"Hey you guys!" I grinned as we all slid in next to them.

"So, Seth, what's this about you and Dora being an item now?" Beth said, "When did you... reel her in?"

Dora flinched and froze midway through eating.

"Yeah, she's quite a catch..." Peri caught on.

Seth started patting Dora's back reassuringly, whilst trying not to laugh.

"But remember, if things go wrong, there are plenty of fish in the sea," I said.

"Yeah Dora, haddock you had enough of him yet?" Peri continued.

"I hear he can be mighty shellfish," from Beth.

"You should really mullet over," Peri added.

"Cod guys, will you stop carping on at them?" I cried.

"But it's fun watching them flounder," Beth moaned.

"You're right Snow… could salmon pass me the pumpkin juice?" Peri asked.

"In a minnow," I replied.

"Can you save my plaice? I need to weever down and grab some pudding," Beth asked.

"Are you guys finished?" Dora demanded sourly.

"What was that Dora? I'm a little hard of herring," I yelled.

"I hate you guys," she replied, storming off as we laughed, Seth hot on her heels.

"Aww, look at those two, really warms the cockles of your heart doesn't it?" Peri continued.

"Do you think they'll watch prawn?" Beth sniggered.

"They're not even here any more, why are you guys still going?" Wood asked, bemused.

"Oh you know, just for the halibut," I finished.

"Yeah, kipper lid on it Wood, we're having a whale of a time!" Beth grinned.

AN: Fish jokes, who knew right?

Oh and the finding out about "Dora" and "Seth" section is loosely based on real life words! They started spending lots of time together and we joked about it ceaslessly. And then all of a sudden one day, "Beth" got a text back after a joke she had sent to "Dora" saying that though she knew we were probably joking, that they were together now ! What she didn't know was that at the time we were all at the library revising... and "Seth" was there too! So we immediately started bombarding him for information, bullying him, etc, and telling everyone we knew by text or call that they were now together. This part worked out hilariously later, as my then boyfriend came to visit me and greeted us by, "Hey guys *turns to Seth* lover boy."

Hi-larious.

As I write this, by the way, I'm currently on the phone to "Beth". She's just called me because whilst she was walking to the station an old man slowed down his car to say, "You're pretty," then sped off again. She's properly freaked out, and later on she said loads of people on the bus were staring at her. My words? "Man, you must look smoking today!" Either that or she's tucked the back of her top into her pants or something.

She also told me that her friend coincidently came across this fanfiction and sent her a link saying, "This fanfiction sounds just like you and your friends..." So funny! When "Beth" told her it was us she was like, "That makes a lot of sense." She had been wondering whether people had been following us. Glad to hear you like the story though "Beth's friend"!