Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character's from Supernatural but I would be more than happy to take Dean from them if they wish, but I do own my character Vicki Mclellan.
Author's note: Okay, so now it's How to win friends and Influence monsters, I know I'm skipping some epsidoes but I wanted to get right to it...so sorry about that! , and for those of you who don't like this story, okay you don't have to read it, I'm not forcing you too...okay? But I'm updating it for the people who do like it. Vicki might be boring, sorry you feel that way, but uh I've not written her to please everyone okay? So...just so you know.
Mental note: If there are words you don't know about let me know and I'll fill you in (scottish slang will be used).
Thank you: XkaterinaNightingaleX, niamheternal, Marrow365 and smkelover for your wonderful reviews and to all who followed. Glad you liked it!
Chapter 14: How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters.
Dean and Vicki were standing near the fuse box.
"Did you strip the wire?" Sam asked coming down the stairs.
"Yes, I stripped the wire" Dean said.
"All right" Sam said.
Sam attached the cable to the wires, Electricity came on in the house.
"See? Told you" Dean said.
Bobby entered the house , Sam took a seat at the table and Vicki next to him, as Dean and Bobby stood around it.
"Well isn't this cozy?" Bobby said.
"Yeah. Motel six just ain't leaving the light on anymore" Sam said.
"Well, I'm taking a page out of Frank Devereaux's bible on this. Everybody's out to get you-paranoia is just plain common sense" Bobby said.
"Weeks, guy's weeks, We've been lliving with cold showers, cold hot pockets,, cold freaking everything. I mean, this is the bottom that we're living in. You guy's get that right?" Dean said.
"We've all been there" Vicki said.
"How many big mouths are out there, running card traces, like Chet, or hunting us down god knows what ways? No, nows not the time to be laying on our bed rolls out on the grid. Not if we can help it" Bobby said.
The power went off and Sam switched on the battery powered lamps.
"That's just great. This is stupid. Our quality of life is crap. We got purgatory's last wanted everywhere and we're on our third "The World's screwed" issue in, what, three years? We've steered the bus away from the cliff twice already" Dean said.
"Someone's gotta do it" Sam said.
"What if the bus wants to go oer the cliff" Dean asked.
"You think the world wants to end?" Sam asked.
"I think that if we didn't take it's belt and all it's pens away each year that, yeah, the whole enchilada woulda offered itself" Dean said.
"Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son. You're gonna hurt your head" Bobby said.
Dean took a beer out of a cooler and lay down on the sofa.
"So what's the guff?" Bobby asked.
Bobby sat down at the table with Vicki and Sam.
"Well, uh, there've been a rash of sightings all over the southern pine barrens" Vicki began.
"Who said you could look at that?!" Sam asked trying to take the printed information away from her and Vicki shoved his head.
"A strange, fast moving, human-like creature. Locals even have a name for it" Vicki said. She handed it to Bobby.
"The Jersey Devil?" Bobby asked "I thought that was just local tall tale crap"
"The area's history of sightings goes back more than two centuries. Some accounts gave it bat wings, other's a horn, a...a tale" Sam said and he handeed another to Bobby. "And oh...uh a horses's head"
"Of course the sketch looks more like a Chewbacca head" Dean smirked.
"Sounds kind of messed up" Bobby said.
"Yeah, kind of like it should be fighting a japanease robot" Dean said.
"Well, mixed up or not, it sounds like it might just have a body count" Sam said.
Sam passed Bobby a newspaper article "Camping high season harshed by human burrito?"
"Yeah. Something hung a camper up in a tree, then ate him alive right through his sleeping bag. His wife hasn't been seen either. Plus, there have been four other missing persons reported in the last three weeks. State troopers-get this- are saying it's a rogue beer"
"Yea of course when was the last time you saw a bear string up it's own pinata?" Dean asked.
"Something's out there in the woods. hey, we're going honest to goodness wildreness hunting. I haven't used my .30-30 in a while" Bobby said.
"Okay, Davey Crockett, well, safari's gonna have to wait till tomorrow and after our suit and tie dance. We'll make sure this is not just some backwoods crachead who likes to roll glampers" Dean said.
"WHat the hell is a glamper?" Vicki asked.
"Sam?" Dean said.
"High-end camper. TV, AC. Wi-FI. back to nature, zero inconveience" Sam said.
"Still no clue" Vicki shrugged.
"That's idiotic" Bobby said.
"Yeah. SOme people just don't know how to live" Sam said.
Vicki and Bobby walked into the Biggerson's Grill and Bobby waved for Sam and Dean, who were talking to a Ranger.
"So?" Dean asked as they stopped in front of them.
"Well, we took a look at the cadaver. Don't have any stats on a Jersey Devil, but the bite radius on the vic's wounds-it's too small for a Leviathan. And he's still got a ventricle and some change, so I doibt we're talking about a werewolf. And a wendigo don't leave no scraps" Bobby said.
"Hmm...lunch?" Dean asked.
"Straving" Bobby said.
Dean stopped a passing waiter "Hey! Uh Brandon we grab a booth?" Dean asked.
"Hey, uh, douchewad, a hostess will seat you. Do I look like a feakin hostess?"
"Do you want to look like a hostess?" Dean asked making a face.
Brandon gave him a dirty look and walkd away.
"That didn't make any sense" Vicki said "What you just said"
"What was that?" Dean asked.
"I sure hope we don't get Brandon's section" Bobby said.
When they got seated it looked like it was Brandon who was taking their orders, Vicki sat next to Dean as Bobby and Sam sat across from them. That was when Brandon came with the food.
"Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to big bird" He said putting it down in front of Sam, "TDK slammer to the Ken doll" He said and put the burger in front of Dean "A little heart-smart for creepy uncle and the fries for Barbie doll"
"Excuse me?" Vicki said cocking her eyebrow.
"What is your problem?" Dean asked.
"You are my problem!" He snapped and walked away.
"He's got a stick up his ass" Vicki said.
"Yeah. There goes his 18%" Sam laughed silently.
"Anyway, chief ranger, I don't think he believes in the Jersey Devil" Dean said.
"Oh, oh, by the way did he seem a little uh, stoned to you?" Sam asked.
"Ranger Rick? Yeah. Definitely growing his own on the back 40 and smoking all the profits" Dean said.
"He didn't seem to think that there was something-" Sam began.
"Oh that is good sandwhich" Dean said with a mouthful of it.
"What the hell did you get" Bobby asked.
Dean turned the car down on the table advertising the special towards Bobby "New Pepperjack Turducken Slammer-limited time only" Dean said.
"Bunch of birds shoved up inside each other. Shouldn't play god like that" Bobby said.
"Hey don't look at me sideways from that-that chinease chicken geezer salad there, okay? Dean said.
"All right, anyways, um..The Ranger did seem to think there was something out in Wharton Forest" Sam said.
"Well, then I'd say it's Safari time" Bobby said.
"She's big boned!" A voice shouted.
"Look at her! You're telling me she's not fat?"
"Hey"
"Up yours mike. Shove it right up yours!"
Brandon took off his apron and left the resteraunt.
"Well anyway, back to bigger and better things" Dean said as he continued to eat his sandwhich.
The four of them walked through the forest, Bobby and Dean were carrying backpacks and all of them held the riflies.
"Couple of bucks. Head butting over over turf probably. Pretty sure the other fella won" Bobby said.
"I guess I forgot. Before you were a hunter, you were actually a...hunter" Sam said.
"Really?" Vicki asked.
"Yeah" Bobby shrugged "Well, we shot our dinner when I was a kid"
"You used to take us hunting remember? Dad had a case, he'd just dump us on you. Shoot you must have taught us most of the outdoor tracking we know" Dean said.
"Yeah what I could get to stick. I never could get you little grubs to pull a trigger on a single deer" Bobby said.
"You're talking about Bambi, man" Dean said.
"You don't shoot Bambi you jackass, you shoot Bambi's mother" Bobby said.
They stopped and looked up seeing a bloody man.
"Looks like we found Phil" Dean said.
Dean called it in and eventually Ranger Rick came.
"Special agents. Listen I got your call. But I'm not sure got what you were saying" He said.
Dean pointed upwards "Hey I think we found Phil"
"That's what I said" Dean said.
"Uh, I should probably call this in" Dean said.
"Yeah, yeah. Solid move" Sam said.
Ranger Rick went to his vehicle, but their was ruffling and then Bobby spoke up.
"Ranger, I think we've got company" Bobby said.
"Yeah? Who's that?" Rick asked.
That was when Ranger Rick was grabbed and pulled into the trees.
"Ranger!" Sam called.
The four of them chased the screaming Ranger as they stopped looking around.
"Ranger Evans! Ranger!" Sam called.
"It's up in the trees" Vicki said.
They all looked up "Lights off" Bobby said.
"What?" Dean asked as he lowered his rifile.
"Wait, Bobby, you think that's really a good idea" Sam asked.
"Shut up, shut off, and listen"
Sam lowered his and they shut off their lights and listened.
"Damn thing's eating Rick" Bobby said.
"Man I liked Rick" Dean huffed, All three looked at him, Vicki made a face as Bobby sighed and he closed his eyes. Bobby pulled the trigger shooting something and That was when an arm fell to the ground.
"Wow. Nice shot Bobby" Dean said.
"Yeah" Vicki said.
"Seriously" Sam said.
"We all got out gifts" Bobby shrugged.
"What about the rest of Ranger Rick?" Dean asked.
"He called in his 10-20 his own will fid him. We got crap to do" Bobby said.
Dean and Sam put the mutated guy on the table.
"Built like a supermodel, but the thing was strong. That's for damn sure. Carried a full grown man up a tree in nothing flat" Bobby said.
"But it only took one bullet to bring it down" Sam said.
"Not a silver bullett" Vicki said.
"Just a bullett, bullett" Dean smirked.
Just then the creature bolted up right and then stood up on the table, Vicki let out a yelp and grabbed onto Dean, who began shooting it, as did Sam and Bobby. It eventually fell back onto the table Dean and Sam exhaled loudly and Vicki let out a shakey breath and caught Dean smirking at her so she pulled back and brushed her hands off before folding her arms.
"First one must've stunned it" Bobby said.
"All right, well, let's check it's hulk pant for some ID" Dean said and pulled out a wallet "Oh that is just gonna ruin the leather"
Sam took the wallet from Dean "Are you okay?" Vicki asked.
"Yeah, I feel great kitten" He winked.
"Gerald Browder, uh, lived here in town, 5'9", brown hair and blue eyes...235 pounds" Sam said.
"Whoa" Dean said.
"WOw" Vicki said.
"Well apparently he's lost a little pudge" Bobby said.
"Maybe it's a-a lap band side effect" Dean said. He laughed, Sam Bobby and Vicki however didn't. Bobby then poked a stick in him inside one of the bullet wounds and pulled it back out showing the grey goo.
"What the hell? I think we better have a look under Geralds hood" Bobby said.
Bobby and Sam decided they'd cut into him, Vicki watched making faces as they cut into him.
"That's disgusting" she said.
"God! It's organs are swimming in the stuff" Bobby said.
Dean moved out of the room, pouring whiskey into a glass.
"You guy's gettin' hungry? I'm hungry" Dean said.
They looked at him and then turned back "What's that?" Sam asked.
"His stomach. For a guy on a diet, Gerry here packed it in pretty good" Bobby said.
"That's human right there" Sam said.
"That's fresh, Rick. Let's see. Plus...a pine cone? Pack of gum in the wrapper" Bobby said.
"That's-that's older. Maybe like a-maybe Ranger Phil" Sam said "Or the camper"
"WHat's that?" Vicki asked.
"Looks like a-yeah, that's a-that's a cat head" Sam said.
"Yuck!" Vicki said moving from beside the table.
"A glamper or two is one thing, but you got to be damn hungry to eat a cat's head" Bobby said.
"Mm-hmm" Sam said.
"Well, lookit here, I'm no Dr. Oz, but..." Bobby began. He took a large lumpy black object out of creatures body. "I think that's his adrenal glands"
"Okay. And?" Sam asked.
"Meant to be the size of hotel bar of soap..and bright orange" Bobby said.
They winced at the smell.
"Ooh! All right, that might help explain the strength. Um, but whatever this thing is, it's not the Jersey Devil but it sure as hell ain't Gerald Browder anymore" Sam said.
"Okay, guy's seriously. It's time for dinner?" Dean asked.
They all looked at him, Sam gave a short nod and Dean grinned, leaving the room.
Dean was eating his sandwhich, Bobby and Sam had a cup of coffee and Vicki had a glass of coke. Sam was reading something from his laptop, Vicki looked at Dean as he ate the sandwhich making strange noises.
"Gerald Browder, 35, self-employed, Air-Conditioning repairman" Sam said "Missing person number three. Disappeared eight days ago."
"Well that explians the eight people who got eaten in the last eight days"
"Yeah. Question is, what happened to him?"
Dean began groaning as he ate the sandwhich with large bites.
"Dean. So us, what do you think?" Sam asked.
"I'm not that worried about it?" Dean said with his mouth full.
"What?" Vicki asked.
"That's funny right? i could give two shakes of a rats ass. Is that right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else? Eh" Dean shrugged and took another bite.
Everyone in the diner was eating the sandwhich Dean was eating, taking large bites like him.
"Give me that" Sam said taking the sandwhich from Dean.
"Whoa, whoa, Why?!" Dean asked.
"There's some funky chicken in the TDK Slammer ain't there?" Bobby asked.
"Gross" Vicki said.
"Yeah" Sam said.
Sam sniffed the sandwhich and made a face.
Bobby put the sandwhich on the table, wrapping in the foil shaped of a swan.
"This is stupid, my sandwhich didn't do anything. I don't know what you think you're gonna find" Dean said.
Sam unwarpped the sandwhich.
"There's something wrong with you, Dean" Bobby said.
"Are you kidding? I'm fine! I-I actually feel great, the best I've felt in a couple of months. Cas? Black goo? I don't even care anyore, and you know what's even better? i don't care, that I don't care. I just want my damn slammer back" Dean said.
"Dude you are completely stoned, just like ranger Rick was" Sam said.
"ust like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's. And everybody's loving the turducken" Bobby said.
Gray goo began to ooze out from the sandwhich. "I think you pissed off my sandwhich" Dean said "That...that's in me?"
"Only half of it" Vicki said.
"Does that snot look fimiliar?" Bobby asked.
"Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a pumpkin head...and is currently turning Dean into an idiot..." Sam began.
"I'm right here. Right here" Dean said.
"Is in the Turducken slammer at Biggerson's" Bobby said.
"It's in the meat" Vicki said.
"If I wasn't so chilled right now..I-I would puke" Dean said.
"How's he doin?" Sam asked Vicki who looked at him.
"He's uh..asleep. Stoned coma?" She asked.
"So you think he's okay?" Sam asked Bobby.
"Yeah, he's all right" Bobby said.
"Good. So you don't worry about him?" Sam asked.
"What do you mean? Before the Turducken?"
"Yeah, yeah, kind of more like uh..more like ever since my head brke...and we lost Cas. I mean, you ever feel like he's-he's going through the same otions but he's not the same, you know?" Sam asked.
"How could he be?" Bobby asked.
"Right, yeah, but what if-" Sam asked.
"What if what Sam? You know, you worry about him. All he does is worry about you? Who's left to live their own life here? The two of you-aren't you full up just playing snuffleupagus with the devil all the live long?" Bobby said.
"I don't know Bobby. Seeing Lucifer's fine with me" Sam said.
"Come again?" Bobby asked.
"Look, I'm not saying it's fun. I mean, to be honest with you, I-I knod od see it as the best case scenario. I mean..." Sam said and he pressed into his palm. "AT least all my crazy's under one umberella you know? I kind of know what I'm dealing with, I kind of know what I'm dealing with. A lot of people got it worse"
"You always were one deep little sun of a bitch" Bobby said and Vicki howled with laughter.
"Wait, wait, wait, here we go" Sam said.
"Well I guess we follow him" Bobby said talking about the truck.
The next Day Dean and Bobby were sitting in the cehicle outisde the werehouse as Sam and Vicki got in.
"Hey, something's up" Sam said.
Two black vehicles pulled up as Edgar and a Doctor waited for the man getting out.
"Well I'll be a squirrel in a skirt. It's Dick Friggen Roman" Bobby said.
"WHat? Who the hell is Dick Friggen Roman?" Dean asked.
Bobby let them watch a video on him.
"Holy crap, what the hell is that?" Dean asked.
"That's one of the top 50 most powerful men in America Dean" Sam said.
"Says here top 35 as of last month" Dean said "Not its all making sense. Remember when Crowley kept going on about Hating Dick, I thought he was just bein' general, pfft"
"Well, if the Levaithan got him, then that means they're playing on a much bigger board then we're talking" Bobby said.
"So what then?" Sam asked "I mean we can't exactly outgun them"
"No, but we got the drop on them. Means we got a chance to figure out what these guys are really doing here?"
Bobby began assembling surveillance equipment.
"Whoa. Where'd you get that mother?"
"It's on loan from Franks big brohter collection. It'll pick up vocal vibrations from the window glass at half a mile. Ut's time to find out what these ugly bastards are up to" Bobby said.
Sam, Dean and Vicki were sitting in the van.
"I still don't see why I couldn't go with him" Vicki said.
"Stop moaning"
"Uh..no"
His phone then rang and he answered it "Our side's still dead, Bobby. Anything with you?"..."What's happening now?"
"Bobby what is it?" Sam asked.
"He's-" Bobby's voice began and then everything went silent.
"Come on" Dean said.
When they went wo where Bobby had been they found his broken phone.
"They got him" Dean said.
"Dean there are at least four Leviathans out there. We don't even know how to kill one" Sam said.
A van pulled up with "ACME INDUSTRIAL CLEANING" on the side.
"Well, it'll be quite a shock when we walk in through the front door, won't it?" Dean asked.
Dean, Sam and Vicki entered the sparying the Leviathans with Power clean and they began burning and screaming, and then Dick ROman entered. Sam dropped the empty bottle and Vicki kept spraying him with it. Hers then became empty and she launched it at him.
"Sam..Vicki...that is not how we communicate from a place of yes. That was vracing where'd you kids find this stuff?"
Bobby then appeared and shot Dick Roman in the back, twice. "Hey! That's mine!" Dick said to him. Dean then threw his power clean all over.
"Go! go!" Dean shouted and they ran out, and pulled the van out.
"Damn it, Where is Bobby?" Sam asked.
Bobby then ran out of the wherehouse and ran over to the van"Bobby! COme on, come on, come on!" Sam shouted as Vicki slid the door open and he got in, Dick Roman came out after him aand began shooting his gun.
"Go! GO!" Bobby shouted Dick Roman still shot at them.
"SOn of a bitch! I'm glad you got in. He almost took your freaking head off!" Dean said.
"Hey, Bobby your hat" Sam said.
Vicki sat forward "Bobby" She said rubbing her forehead. Bobby didn't respond.
"Bobby? Oh, god. Bobby? Bobby?" Sam asked.
"Bobby?!" Dean shouted.
"He's not..." Vicki began as she moved his head "His head...he.."
"Bobby!"