Author's Note: Hi y'all. I know my last chapter was ages ago and many of you haven't been waited for new chapters with baited breath (I could tell by the review count ;D), but I'm planning to finish this story for sure. In fact, it's actually going to wrap up soon- probably in less than five chapters. If I said all this before, I'm sorry. Yes, I know the chapter title sucks.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Everyone!
NOTE:
No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- it's all those damn touchy-feely Suethor's fault!
Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!
Or TUM(P)
Chapter Fourteen: Back From The Future
She was still a bit freaked out. How could she not be, after finding herself in…somewhere she wasn't supposed to be? However, Alice was the sort of person who made the best of any situation, a trait that had served her well in the past and would continue to do so.
This is why, even though the strangers were clothed in black and touting bows and arrow-filled quivers, she decided to take her chances. After all, she was starting to feel hungry, and it was obvious that unless she took some sort of action soon she would never get out of the strange cave (hall…thing?). Alice had always preferred action anyway. When faced with the possibilities of being stuck full of arrows, getting out of this place or playing safe and sitting around on her butt waiting for them to leave, she generally picked the solution she could gain more from. Alice was fairly intelligent, but tended to lack common sense; and patience.
"Hey, you!" She shouted, stepping out from the shadows dramatically. This seemingly intimidating act was rudely interrupted however when she tripped on a rock and fell flat on her face.
Rael and Evona just stared.
Sputtering and hastily rising to her feet, she kicked the rock away vehemently and glared at them as if they were the cause of her distress; which, in a way, was true.
"…Is this the 'Sue?" Rael asked, puzzled.
"Nah," Evona yawned, resuming fletching her arrows. "She's too flat-chested."
Alice sputtered incoherently for a few moments, and then finally snapped "No I'm not!"
Evona looked thoughtful. "Well, she's in denial. That's a Mary-Sue trait."
Alice growled, her non-existent patience wearing thin. "Look, I just want to know the way out of this crazed funhouse."
Evona raised an eyebrow. "You're lost? In the mines of Moira of all places? Good God, you're thicker than I thought…"
"Shut up!" Alice snarled. "I knew I should've bloody well kept to myself…"
"Don't you have a map or something?" Rael suggested. "Surely if you came here you must have at least an idea of where you are?"
Alice sighed, trying to reign in her temper and act rationally. "All I know is that One minute I was going out for a stroll, and the next I'm in some Dugeons and Dragons rip-off. So if you don't mind, I'll just…what's with you?"
Evona and Rael were staring at her like she'd just grown an extra head. Cocking her head and raising an eyebrow, she looked behind herself. Nope, no bloodthirsty monster ready to tear out her throat.
"Huh…and of all the places I'd be most likely to run into that cliché." She mused thoughtfully. Turning back, she discovered that Evona and Rael's expression had not changed the slightest. She frowned.
"Alright, I get it. What sort of faux pas or ignorant blunder did I commit?"
Evona shook her head, snapping out of it. "Well…I guess we found our 'Sue."
Rael looked disappointed. "Are you sure? She doesn't seem that bad…and I was hoping for a bit more of a challenge."
Alice gave them a peeved look. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Evona strung her bow and notched and arrow. Alice blinked, surprised at how quickly the teenaged girl had an arrow pointed straight between her eyes.
"Umm…pardon me, but why do you look so familiar?"
Evona froze and her eyes widened, the familiar voice stopping her from shooting the arrow.
"Umm…Evona?" Rael asked nervously. "Why are there two of you?"
---
Miriam was not amused.
"Alright, let me get this straight…because the stupid squid-thing destroyed the entrance, we have to travel through an abandoned tomb full of Orcs, Cave trolls and dead things?"
Legolas gave her a stern look. "If you would rather try to dig our way out while praying the 'stupid squid-thing' has gone back into the lake, be my guest."
Miriam bit her lip, inwardly berating herself for making herself look like such an ass. Here she was, a tagalong who didn't contribute anything at all to the group, and she decided to act like a complete bitch to the only person who fully trusted her. Oh yeah, smooth.
"I'm sorry Legolas, I just…bad things will happen if we go forward."
He smiled wryly. "I suppose you 'just know' that?"
Miriam gave him a look.
Legolas laughed. "Alright, I should have known better then to doubt the great 'Huntress'."
Miriam sighed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"…Well, you have to admit, it was pretty arrogant of you."
She rolled her eyes. "I know, I was a bit wet behind the ears before, but now I'm better! Honestly, I know I'm no warrior, but at least I'm not a complete newbie. "
Legolas averted his eyes, suddenly serious. "There are many things you won't be prepared for. I can't promise to protect you from them; I know not what sort of dangers we will face, or how great they will be."
Miriam looked away, fighting the urge to tell him everything. She'd already told him more then he should know; it wouldn't do any good to tell him everything. Her gaze drifted to the rest of the fellowship ahead of them, specifically lingering on Boromir. Could she prevent his death? The thought had occurred to her before, but at that moment she truly realized how much she could change for the better.
I can't…I shouldn't. I've already caused enough damage; more then I can ever compensate them for. All I can do now is move ahead and hope I'll get back home.
"Miriam?"
Miriam blinked, snapping out of her daze and turning to Legolas. "Yes?"
"I'll try my best to protect you."
The teenager smiled, her eyes brimming tears. Why did he want to help her of all people? She wasn't anyone special –heck, she wasn't even that nice a person– so why on earth did he become such a good friend? Why was he always there when she needed him, even though she could never truly help him in return? All these questions and more clambered to be answered, but yet she couldn't put them into words.
"Thank you."
Legolas was surprised at the strange tone in her voice, and turned to ask what was bothering her. The words died immediately in his throat, however, when he realized that she was crying.
"Are you alright?" He asked softly.
"It's just…no one has ever…ever said anything like that to me." She choked, furiously rubbing away her tears. "Oh, dammit…now I'm crying again."
He smiled sadly. "There is no shame in crying. Be grateful you can express your grief, because holding back your emotions is never wise."
"Yeah, I guess you're…" Her voice trailed off. The rest of the fellowship had stopped.
"You're lost? In the mines of Moira of all places? Good God, you're thicker than I thought…"
Legolas's brow furrowed thoughtfully as the voice echoed around the empty halls. "Do you hear that?"
"Yeah…" She frowned. "…it sounded like…me."
The fellowship listened for a few more moments. It appeared that there were at least three people ahead, one of which sounded (and from the back, at least, appeared to look) eerily similar to Miriam.
"Curious…" Gandalf murmured.
"Very curious…" Celeste added, having suddenly decided to assure the readers that she hadn't disappeared into thin air.
Miriam raised her voice to grab their attention. "Umm…pardon me, but why do you look so familiar?"
The voices stopped. The Miriam-look-alike turned around, her expression stricken. Miriam herself was struck dumb; the girl looked so exactly like her, it was almost scary.
The Miriam-look-alike suddenly sighed, and facepalmed. "Dear God, they didn't give me…?"
The elf checked a strange device on his arm. "Yes, it appears so."
Miriam blinked. "Umm…excuse me?"
The Miriam-look-alike started, and then averted her eyes. "Your name is Miriam Sarah Jones, right?
Miriam hesitated for a moment. "Yes…how do you know that? Why do you look exactly like me?"
The look-alike sighed. "I know a lot more then just that- I'm you. Or rather, the future you."
---
"So, you're a PPC agent?"
"Yeap; my new nickname's Evona, and I've researched Badfic and canon extensively ever since…well…I got stuck in this story."
Miriam shook her head. "I'm sorry, this is just insane. I mean, I became a PPC agent? How old are you now anyways?"
"Well, upstairs didn't have a choice on that one. They could've wiped my…err…our memories, but they'll recruit anyone nowadays…" Evona grinned. "Oh, and I'm sixteen years old. I've been PPCing for about two or three years now."
The two…err…past and future selves of Miriam Jones were currently talking amongst themselves, after Evona and Rael had explained the situation properly to the fellowship. Thankfully, Miriam had told Evona exactly who the 'Sue was before the PPCer had done something she might've regretted later on.
"So…" Evona said. "Now that you know basically everything you need to know about me, mind telling me about yourself? I remember pretty much everything, but it's been a few years, so the details may be a bit fuzzy."
Miriam shrugged. "Well, we're trying to hunt down a 'Sue called 'Phoenix rEdleaf'. Not much else to it. But hey, it doesn't matter much, does it? I mean, you obviously defeated her, so-"
"Eh…about that…" Evona said sheepishly. "I never ran into my future self when I defeated her the first time around."
Miriam blinked. "…Oh; that could complicate things."
---
Having opted to leave Evona and Miriam alone to catch up, Legolas was currently gazing around the mines and trying to find something to occupy his attention. As if on cue, he noticed Rael staring at him out of the corner of his eye with something akin to…awe?
Giving him an uncertain look, Legolas turned to face him. Rael immediately looked away.
"Don't worry about him!" Evona called, apparently having noticed. "He's just a bit nervous around his own kind!"
Legolas blinked. Rael did his best to avoid his gaze.
"Umm...Legolas, sir?"
He blinked again. "Yes?"
The other teenage girl, Alice, hesitated. She'd been trying to work up the courage to catch his attention for so long, she'd almost completely forgotten why she'd wanted to in the first place.
"Umm…I was…I was wondering…Miriam said something about an elven 'Sue with green eyes and red hair, wearing black leather. Was her name…was her name Phoenix Redleaf?"
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Yes. How did you-"
"I…I sort of created her."
There was absolute dead silence.
"You what?!" He sputtered
Alice winced. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean…I never thought…"
Legolas was shocked, barely able to process her words. All the pain he'd gone through, all because a teenage girl had decided she wanted write a Mary-Sue that fell in love with him. It was too much.
"…Can you forgive me?"
There was a pause.
"No. No, I can't."
Alice looked away sadly. "I thought that's what you'd say."
---
So, I'm sixteen now. Yay. It's funny to think this story took me a year to write…
Kalisona- I would say 'I'm glad you like that', but I say that too much lol ;) Thanks for reviewing, it's always a great boost to my ego when people do! (not like I need it…XD)
Inconspicuous Acuity- If I spelt your name wrong…it's because I suck :) Thank you for the compliments, you have no idea how nice it is to read reviews like yours after a hard day.
The Leaky Pen- -sniff- I know, I just can't find one anywhere! What makes it even more difficult is that I don't just stick to one fandom; I go all over the place.
Gollum's Fish- Problem is, I love well-done OCs (as if you didn't know that already lol), and that might discourage people from writing them. We should have some sort of squad going around and deleting Badfic though…we need it! Aw, you're too kind :) I'm actually a really sucky writer normally, but to know that I brought joy to someone makes my day! I try to review every story I read, but…well, I forget ' I sent you a PM about that, which should answer you questions.
Zelscar- Numbers and writing should rarely be mixed, I agree ;D