TL;DR

A FF4 Novle

By SpacemanSpiff

Disclaimer: I do not approve this message.

Chp 14 – Tentacle Porn!

So I wake up in this smelly cave with this dirty old man spooning me. Thank the holy light I have never said that before, and by the power of every fiber of my being I will make sure that no one ever finds out about this.

"Hey Cecil, why are you spooning with Tellah?" Rydia's innocent voice dashes all hope that what happens in the cave stays in the cave. I need to think of an excuse or at least say something to distract her from this scene.

"It was cold and his wrinkled old body is surprisingly warm!"

Yeah, I really should've just kept my mouth shut.

"Grown-ups are weird," she says as she rouses her shiny chocobo, which promptly drops a few fecal nuggets for its morning constitution. The smell of ripe dung quickly mixes with the smell of dried, crusty dung.

"Alright old man, you got what you came for, now get off me!"

"Oh my, that was quite the pleasant slumber, I must say."

"You tell anyone about this and I'll make sure that the next thing you spoon is the pointy end of my sword!"

"Is that a promise?" he asks with a coy wink.

"Wait, what? No! Why do you have to make everything dirty?!"

"I'm that good."

"You're sick, Tellah. You know that?"

"Homoknightlikesmywrinkledoldasssayswhat?"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"As soon as you two are done flirting with each other, can we go?" Rydia chimes in. If she wasn't sitting on top of that big, shiny, beautiful bird I might have thwacked her.

We pack up and make our way downstream alongside the river, and we finally start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. But as we get closer, I begin to notice that the water is moving faster, and rapids are becoming more frequent. No one else seems the least bit concerned about this…that is until we come up to the edge of a massive waterfall that empties down into the mouth of the cave. So close, and yet so far.

"So Tellah, when were you going to mention that we have to plummet to an almost-certain death just to get out of this cave?"

"Well I figured once you had come this far you wouldn't want to turn back. So you go first and let us know if it's safe, okay?"

"Hell no I'm not jumping down there!"

"C'mon you sissies," Rydia tells us from atop her shiny steed. "Hop on and we'll use my chocobo to cushion the fall."

"You'd risk this magnificent shiny creature just so this old creeper can spoon some young stud?"

"Did you forget that we have to get a sand pearl for Rosa?"

Damn, the kid always seems to make the most sense at the most inopportune times.

"Fine, let's go!"

So we all climb aboard and the chocobo hops into the river, floating like a wondrous shiny golden log right up to the edge. As it tips forward we all see the pool eighty feet below, and we all take a mental crap in our mental pants before we go over the edge.

Somehow we survive the fall, and we all crawl up to the shallow end of the pool laughing out of pure joy that we're alive. That's when things take a turn toward the sucky. I make sure Rydia and Tellah both get up on shore, but when I turn to make sure the chocobo is okay, I see a huge tentacle wrapped around it, pulling it towards even more tentacles and ultimately a huge maw filled with jagged teeth. When the bird hits that buzzsaw it turns into an instant milkshake of blood and feathers.

"It's Octomammoth!"

"I don't care what it's called," I growl as I feel the rage boiling over. "It just ate the shiny chocobo!"

In a blind fury I whip out my sword and charge into the tangled mess of tentacles and teeth. Luckily my blade goes through the fleshy thing like a hot knife through a chocobo turd, and it smells almost as bad.

"This…!"

I hack off the first tentacle.

"Is…!"

I whack off another one.

"Why…!"

Another suckered arm flops flaccidly into the pond.

"We…!"

The fourth tentacle falls limp as it tries to suck me off the floor.

"Can't…!"

My blade cleanly slices a tentacle erected towards me.

"Have…!"

A sixth tentacle once engorged now goes soft as it gets lopped off.

"Nice…!"

Another long, hard rod of tentacle becomes a limp noodle as I chop it down.

"Things!"

The last tentacle is aimed straight for my face, but I cut it before it hits me, which unfortunately causes a spray of milky effluent to shoot all over me. Now I'm really mad. No one, and I mean no one gets a money-shot on me and lives! I ram my sword into its rounded, cone-shaped head with all my strength, penetrating its soft flesh until it comes out the other side. It slides with a sickening slurp off the tip.

"Oh wow, that was…so hot!" Tellah bellows across the cavern. "Reminds me of my younger days when I could easily surround myself with a dozen men at a time."

"Tellah! We have innocent ears present!" I yell at the dirty old man as I point to Rydia.

"Oh yes, I do apologize little one. If you'll please excuse me, I have to go…relieve myself."

"Sick, dude. Just sick."