Yay! An update! Thanks to everyone who has left such wonderful comments. A huge thanks to those of you that have taken the time to leave words of encouragement for me to get back on my writing horse. Sorry about the lack of updates lately. Writer's block sucks. That's all I'm saying.

I feel Derek nuzzling his face into the back of my neck as he pulls the covers up over our shoulders. I press my hand on top of his as he runs it along my stomach.

"Morning," he whispers as he lifts his head just far enough to kiss me under my earlobe.

I sigh and mumble, "It's too early. Still dark out."

Derek scoots his body tighter against mine and says against my neck, "That's because it's storming out. It's seven o'clock, Sweetheart."

I groan and roll myself over and bury my face in Derek's chest as I wrap my arms around his waist. "It's still too early," I grumble.

"The kids are awake," he says softly as he runs his hands up and down my back. I pull the covers over my head and let out a loud sigh.

We both laugh when we hear Emma through the baby monitor yelling loudly at Jake as he says, "Emma, watch the awesome trick I taught Panda. Play dead Panda!" We hear Jake yell, "bang!" and then say grumpily, "Panda! You're supposed to lay on your back…and you have to stick your legs up in the air…and your tongue has to hang out of your mouth, remember? Like this...watch me, Panda." I giggle as I get a mental image of Jacob laying on the floor showing Panda how to perform this elaborate trick he has come up with.

"You better go get Emma out of her crib before Jake does," I say softly as I pull the covers off of my head and pry myself from his warm body.

Derek kisses me quickly on the lips and scoots off the side of the bed. "Are you going back to sleep?" he says teasingly as he walks to the door and opens it.

I smile and close my eyes as I say, "Maybe."

Two minutes later Jacob runs into my bedroom and uses his fingers to pry one of my eyes open. I giggle and open my eyes and look at him. "Morning, Jacob," I say as I extend my arms to him.

He smiles at me and hops up onto the bed and cuddles up against me under the covers. "Hi, Mommy. I taught Panda a new trick. Wanna come see it?" he says sweetly as he uses his hands to brush the hair off of my forehead.

I close my eyes again and sigh. "I don't know, Jake. I think I'm going to stay in bed all day and sleep. It's so nice and warm under the covers. You know I like to sleep when it's raining outside. Is that ok?" I tease.

Jacob huffs and climbs on top of my stomach and says, "Mommy, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? It's a really cool trick. You can even make the gun sound." He leans forward and begins kissing my cheek over and over until I finally open my eyes and smile at him.

"Fine, Jake. I'm getting up. Give me a minute and I'll meet you downstairs, ok?" I say softly before I run my hands up his ribs and tickle him.

Jacob laughs and rolls off of me and jumps off of the bed. "Ok, Mommy! I'll get Panda ready!" he shouts as he runs out of the bedroom.

I sigh and toss the warm covers off of me and climb out of bed. I grumpily hold my hand against my lower stomach as I feel the unwelcome monthly cramps taking over my body.

"So what's this cool trick you want me to watch?" I say as I walk into the living room and flop down on the couch.

Jacob smiles excitedly at me and pushes on Panda's back to make him stand still. "Ok. Watch this, Mommy," he says as he kneels in front of his puppy. "Play dead, Panda! Bang!" he yells as he points his finger towards Panda.

I try not to giggle as Panda barks and leaps up and licks Jacob on the nose.

Jake groans in aggravation and then turns to look at me. "It's a work in progress, Mommy," he explains as he shrugs his shoulders.

I laugh and reply, "It is, huh? Maybe you should start with some easy tricks first, Jake, like sitting and rolling over. He's just a little puppy, remember?"

Jacob frowns at me as he folds his arms across his chest and says, "Those tricks are booooooooring, Mommy. I want him to do something cool. And he already knows how to fetch and go pee outside, so that means he's smart."

I giggle and stand up and walk toward the kitchen. "Come on, big guy. Let's see what Daddy cooked for us this morning." I hold my hand out and Jacob runs to catch up to me. He grabs my hand and walks with me into the kitchen.

"Hey, Emma," I say as Jacob releases my hand and hops up into his chair at the table. I walk over to her highchair and place my hands on the sides of her face. I bend over and kiss her lips and then her forehead. She grabs a handful of my hair as she brings my face back to hers before giving me an extra sloppy kiss on my cheek.

I giggle as I pry her little fingers out of my hair. "I love you, too, Em," I say softly before kissing the top of her head and wiping the drool off of my face.

"Something smells good," I say as I turn my attention to Derek as he stands leaning against the counter watching me. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist as I press my body against his.

He smiles at me and leans forward to kiss me softly on the lips. "Emma wanted French toast this morning," he says as he turns to finish cooking.

"She told you that, did she?" I tease as I sit down at the table between the kids.

Derek smiles at me and replies sarcastically, "Yes. I happen to speak 'baby' fluently. She also told me that she was going to drool all over your face this morning, which she just did." He winks at me as I roll my eyes playfully.

Jacob jumps up from his seat and walks over to Derek. "I'll pass out the food, Daddy," he says as he extends his arms and waits for Derek to put a plate in his hands.

Derek quickly slices up a piece of French toast into extremely tiny pieces and drizzles way too much syrup all over it. He gives it to Jake, who walks proudly over to his little sister. "Here ya go, Em," he says as he drops the plate onto her highchair tray. "Try not to make a mess," he says smartly as he places his hand over his forehead and shakes his head disapprovingly at her. He scrunches up his nose in disgust as he watches her stick her whole hand on her plate and smear the syrup and toast all over.

I giggle and then groan as Emma picks up a piece of French toast, shoves it into her mouth, and then rubs her sticky syrup-covered hand across the top of her head. "What was your Daddy thinking?" I tease as I look over at Derek.

Derek laughs and shrugs his shoulders. "What? Syrup is good for your hair. Makes it shiny, right Em?" he says sarcastically.

Emma giggles and slams both hands onto her plate and rubs her fingers wildly through the sticky mess she is creating. She brings her hands in front of her face and watches as the syrup runs slowly down her arms. She shoves one of her set of fingers into her mouth while the other plays with her slimy breakfast. She begins jabbering loudly as she tries to pick up a piece of French toast in her sticky fingers.

I smirk and smile at Derek as I ask him, "What is she saying now, Derek?"

I laugh as Derek groans and says in his best baby voice, "My Daddy is an idiot."

"Mommy, I'm bored," Jacob says for the one-hundredth time since breakfast. He flops down onto his back on the carpet in front of me and pouts.

I snuggle up closer to Derek as I lay between his legs on the couch. "I know, Jake. You've told us. Why don't you go try to teach Panda a new trick or something?"Jacob huffs and says, "He's not cooperating. All he wants to do is sleep."

"You could go read to Emma. She doesn't know how to read like you do," I say as I point my finger to his little sister across the room.

Jacob sighs and says flatly, "Fine. I'll go read to the baby. I'm so excited." He stands up and drags his feet on the carpet as he walks slowly over to Emma.

Derek and I can't help but laugh at his dramatics.

"Didn't you want to spend the day with Jacob?" Derek asks me softly as he buries his nose in the top of my hair.

I shake my head and say, "It's storming out. I don't feel like going out." My body melts a little more into his as his hands run up and down my back. "Why? Did you want to go do something today?" I ask quietly as I watch Jacob open a book and begin reading it to Emma.

Derek sighs and says, "Nope. I'm good. You've just been talking all week about doing something with Jacob alone. Just wondering what changed your mind."

I shrug my shoulders and say grumpily, "I just don't feel like it today."

"It stopped raining!" Jacob shouts as he looks out the window. "Mommy! Can we go now?" He jumps off of the couch and leaps onto my lap.

I smile and shake my head at him. "You're so impatient, Jacob. Emma is still eating her lunch. We have to let her finish, and then we'll go."

Jacob frowns and runs into the kitchen. I giggle when I hear him yell, "Hurry up, Emmy! Everyone is waiting for you!" I assume Derek must have scolded him for yelling at his baby sister, because he walks back out of the kitchen pouting.

"What's wrong, Jake?" I ask as he flops dramatically down onto my lap.

He folds his arms in front of him and says, "Daddy said Emmy is too tired to go."

"Ah…I see. Well, that doesn't mean you and Daddy still can't go while I put Emma down for a nap," I suggest. I brush the hair out of his eyes with my hand. "And besides, Daddy needs to take you for a haircut anyway. You can go do some man stuff with Daddy today. Would you like that?" I ask encouragingly.

Jacob smiles widely at me and nods his head. "Yeah, I like doing man stuff with Daddy," he says sheepishly, " 'cause he always buys me candy."

I laugh and say, "Will you bring me some this time?"

Jacob nods and jumps off of my lap. He runs into the kitchen to tell Derek the good news about getting to do man stuff together.

"Are you sure you don't mind us leaving?" Derek asks softly as he bends down to kiss me as I lay sprawled out on the couch.

I giggle and say, "I'm sure. This couch has my name written all over it today. Go have fun with your son." I pull his face to mine and kiss him firmly. "Love you," I say softly.

Derek grins at me and says, "Love you, too. We'll bring dinner home later, ok?"

I smile and nod at him. "Ok, have fun, boys. And no car buying today, Jacob. I mean it. No matter how much Daddy begs, you can't buy him a new car."

Jacob giggles at me and says, "Ok, Mommy. We won't buy any cars."

I wink at Derek as he opens the door for Jacob. I sigh and roll over onto my stomach and close my eyes. "Thank god. I'm so tired. I hope Emma wants an extra long nap today," I mutter to myself.

I smile proudly as I watch Emma let go of the couch and start walking toward me. "Come on, Em," I say softly as I hold my hands out to her. She takes a few more steady steps, and before I know it she has walked across the whole length of the living room.

I scoop her up in my arms and say, "You did it, Em!" I kiss her cheek and hug her tightly against my chest until she wiggles out of my grip.

She spots Panda sleeping on the rug by the front door, and she starts walking toward him shouting, "Paa!"

Panda opens his eyes and cocks his head at her as he watches her approaching him. He jumps up and wags his tail excitedly as she takes the last few steps between them. Emma falls down onto her rear and yells angrily at Panda as he leaps forward and tackles her. She starts crying as he licks her face, getting doggy drool all over her cheeks.

I walk over to her and pick her up off of the floor. "Not so fun being the one who gets drooled all over, is it, Sweetie?" I tease.

Emma sticks her thumb in her mouth and lays her head on my shoulder.

My heart melts a little and I say, "Aw, I'm just kidding, Em. You can drool on Mommy anytime."

Jacob flings the front door open and runs into the living room. "Surprise!" he yells as he holds his arms out widely.

I try not to frown as I look at his new extremely short haircut. "Wow, Jake. You really got your hair cut short this time," I say with a fake smile across my face.

"Yep," Jacob replies. "I got it cut just like Aaron's. Do you like it, Mommy?" He walks over to me and smiles widely as he runs his hands across his extra-short hair. He grabs my hand and moves it back and forth over the back of his hair. "Does this tickle your hand?" he asks through his enormous grin.

I giggle and shake my head at him. "It does. I think you look very grown-up with this hair cut, Jacob."

Jake smiles sheepishly at me and says, "Daddy got his cut just like mine, too."

My heart drops as I try to picture Derek with his hair all buzzed off.

Jacob laughs and says, "Just kidding, Mommy! Daddy didn't get his haircut!" He giggles and runs away as I lunge off of the couch after him.

"Not funny, Jake!" I yell up the stairs at him.

"The kids are asleep," Derek announces as he walks into the den.

I keep my focus on the papers in front of me and nod. "That was fast," I say quietly. I tap my pen on the desk as I stare blankly at the words.

Derek studies my expression for a long moment before speaking. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asks as he folds his arms across his chest.

I sigh and say, "Nothing's wrong, Derek. I just have to get these fellowship applications finished."

Derek unfolds his arms and sits down on the desk. He picks up the application I've been staring at for the past thirty minutes. "Pediatric cardiothoracic fellowship. Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

I nod my head and say, "Yes. No question about it. I just hope I get the spot."

Derek tosses the application down onto the desk. "Why do you think you won't?" he asks.

I shrug my shoulders and don't say anything.

"Meredith. Talk to me. What is going on?" Derek asks softly as he hops off of the desk and kneels down beside me.

I exhale and try to keep tears from forming in my eyes as I start to talk. "Fine. I just…I don't think that I'm going to get the spot because I'm the only applicant that has small children. I refuse to work more than sixty hours a week so I can be home with our kids by dinner time every night, and that puts me at a huge disadvantage," I say.

"Meredith, that doesn't mean you won't get the spot. It just means they will have to be flexible with your schedule, that's all," he says softly.

I shake my head and hold up the stack of papers in front of me. "All of these, Derek. All of these say they want their fellows to work a minimum of seventy to eighty hours a week. I won't do that. I can't. Working seventy hours a week means I won't be here for dinner at night. Working eighty hours a week means I won't even be here to tuck the kids in to bed when they go to sleep. How the hell am I supposed to do this?" I drop the papers down on the desk and then wipe an angry lone tear from my cheek.

Derek frowns at me and places his hand under my chin to make me look at him. "Meredith, it doesn't matter what the application says. The chief will work with you on your schedule. Working sixty hours a week will only mean that it will take you longer to complete your fellowship than every one else. Big deal. They won't deny you because of that," he says.

I pull my face out of his hand and say, "You don't know that."

Derek shakes his head at me and says, "You're right, I don't. But you're the best cardio resident Seattle Grace has seen in years. They'll be insane to let you go."

I bite my bottom lip nervously and say, "I hope you're right." I pick up my pen and begin writing on the application.

I feel Derek staring at me and I toss my pen back down. "What?" I ask as I scrunch my forehead up at him.

Derek stands up and leans on the desk. "What else is wrong?'

I swallow a nervous lump and look down at the desk.

"Are you worried about having a baby during your fellowship?" he asks as he stares intently at me.

I roll my eyes and mutter, "No. That's definitely not what's wrong." I take a deep breath in and then exhale as I run my hand through my hair.

Derek understands what is wrong with me and he turns my chair to make me face him. He kneels down in between my legs and wraps his arms around my waist. "No baby?" he asks quietly.

I shake my head slightly and look down at the floor.

Derek leans his head against my chest and says, "So we'll keep trying until we make a baby. Don't get discouraged already, Sweetheart."

I huff and say, "I am discouraged, Derek. You know how long it took to get pregnant with Emma. I just…don't want to go through that again. All the months of disappointment. I don't think I can handle it. Maybe it's a sign." I push his body off of me and turn back to face the desk.

"A sign," Derek says flatly. "A sign for what?"

"It's going to be hard enough trying to do my Fellowship and have time for Jacob and Emma. Maybe it's just not the right time to add another baby to our family. Maybe I don't want to try anymore," I say dismissively with a shrug of my shoulders.

Derek nods his head in frustration. "Just like that. You're giving up just like that, Meredith? Where is all of this coming from? Because for the last month you've been nothing but excited about adding another baby to this family."

I don't bother trying to keep the tears from escaping my eyes as Derek gets upset with me. "I'm just…I'm doubting myself. I don't want to suddenly turn into this absent mother who never sees her kids. I don't want to bring a new baby into this family knowing full well that I will likely not be here to raise it," I say angrily.

Derek sighs and shakes his head. "Meredith," he says quietly. "You're not an absent mother. You won't be an absent mother when you start your fellowship. So stop beating yourself up about working. You always make time for our kids. You always make time for this family."

I wipe the tears off my cheek with the back of my hand.

"You're not your mom, Meredith," he says softly. "I know she was absent, and I know you worry that being a great surgeon is somehow going to make you less of a mom. But you are not your mom. Please stop comparing yourself to her." He bends forward and uses his thumb to wipe the tears off of my face. "And you have what your mom didn't, Meredith," he says quietly as he tilts my face toward him to make me look at him.

I bite my bottom lip as I wait for him to continue. "You have me. Our kids have a father who loves them and takes care of them, too. So they will never be alone at dinnertime. They will never go to bed without one of us tucking them in and kissing them goodnight. We're in this together, Sweetheart."

I blink rapidly and wipe a fresh set of tears from my cheeks and I nod my head. "I know. I know you're here, Derek," I manage to choke out. I lean forward and rest my forehead against his. "I'm sorry," I whisper as I wrap my arms around his neck.

Derek kisses me gently and says softly, "For what?" He brings my body tight against his as his arms tangle around my waist.

I exhale unsteadily and say, "Saying I don't want another baby." I pull my face back slightly to look at him. "I want another baby, Derek. I want that so much," I say with an apologetic smile.

Derek slowly leans his face into mine and kisses me softly. He wipes the tears from my cheeks with his hands and says, "I want that, too, Meredith. And I promise we'll make it work when we do have another baby, ok? We'll make it work because this family is the most important thing in my life. I love you and these kids more than anything in this world. I love you." He kisses me again gently as I sniffle.

I smile through my tears as I break off the kiss. "I love you, too, Derek," I say as I press my forehead against his. "More than anything."

Thanks for reading! Comments and suggestions are adored!