Chapter 14 – Wake Up

Shepard's eyes moved beneath closed lids, indicating the intensity of his dreams as sweat formed and clung to his brow, turning his hair from blonde to brown as the sweat travelled. He lay with chords to his arms and over his chest, held to little sensors as he rested on the white hospital bed/bench. The light above his body was turned to low; illuminating his chest with warmth without being in the way should his body shoot up. The blanket he wore pooled at his waist, leaving his golden haired chest bare and allowing the light to catch. He seemed to glow down his chest, light capturing the golden locks and enhancing them. His side was covered in bruises with a bandaged wound, which wrapped around his belly button under his back around his side then back to the start. He took a moment to blink, focusing on each aching bone and muscle and forcing them to relax, forcing the pain to subside for a while. It would come back with vengeance latter on, twice as bad as it was now but he needed to wake up. Staring up at the white roof he felt his muscles tense, especially his stomach. He tried to sit up but a weight on his shoulder drew his attention. The cold visor on his bare skin made him smile. This wasn't the lab where his death was ruined, this was his ship and his crew with his friend asleep on his shoulder.

"Tali?" he questioned, hoping that it wasn't a dream. The weight shifted as a hand closed around his gently. Three fingers. Shepard found it a curious sensation, rarely being held by any alien let alone a Quarian he was not familiar with their grip. It wasn't unpleasant, just curious.

"Shepard! Keelah, you scared me half to death" Tali started, instantly putting the guilt into play without even knowing what she was doing. Shepard felt like a child called out with an injury as he smiled, looking utterly sheepish as Tali glared at him. Her eyes narrowed at him before she grinned, even if Shepard couldn't see her face he just somehow knew the expression she would be wearing.

"How's your arm?" Shepard finally managed to ask, gesturing to the wrap Tali was wearing around her right bicep. The Quarian managed to look sheepish as she shrugged.

"Nothing doctor Chakwas couldn't handle. I was just brought straight in. Kal isn't as good, he needs to return to the fleet" What Tali didn't say was weighing heavily on Shepard. It wasn't Kal alone who would be returning to the fleet. That hurt. Twice. Twice Tali would have left instead of standing there with him, unlike Garrus.

"Right. Let's go. As Captain it's my duty to be there" Shepard swung his legs out of the bed, grateful for the uniform pants he wore even if he didn't have a shirt. The ground was cold against the soles of his bare feet, his sensitive toes, but he still walked straight ahead towards the shuttles. He would not be seen as petty or weak for another's choice. She was grown up after all, no longer the star struck youngling Shepard had met and saved, she was now a young woman and a commanding officer, in Quarian terms he had no idea what she was.

"I'll send my data to the Admiralty board then I'll settle in" Tali said finally, this almost gave Shepard whiplash for how fast his head spun to face her. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes wide in shock. Even with every sign of surprise it was still hard to read his facial expressions, his eyes were the most confusing aspect of him. Tali found herself wondering what went on behind the storm everyone saw. No one could know what it was like. To be Shepard, no one could. He was considered the bad man, the Galactic Dick was a name he was gifted with, along with The Loner Soldier and Butcher's Brother. He was also so sad, even in his blinding fury his eyes held a dimness of sorrow and loss that broke Tali's heart. She wondered what was going on behind his deep blue eyes, even she didn't know.

"You're staying?" Shepard asked, there was a sparkle in his eye that Tali couldn't place. Was it anger? No, Shepard's face was relaxed now. Joy. It had to be joy that a friend was remaining with him.

"Of course. And if the Admiralty Board doesn't like it they can go to hell, I just watched my team die around me. If it wasn't for you…" Tali hung her head, fighting back the sob. Crying was terrible in a mask. The cleaning facilities inserted were horribly uncomfortable.

"Tali" Shepard started, placing a hand on her shoulder gently as he stepped closer into her space. He had used this gesture as a threat so often yet Tali couldn't feel intimidated, she was anxious. Shepard was close, and she noticed that being Quarian.

"Shepard… I had to listen to them screaming"

"Tali. I've been through it too, if you need to talk I'm here" Shepard didn't give her a chance to reply as he turned away, tensing his hands as he resisted the urge to hug her. Tali was adorable, it was hard to resist helping her when she was sad but he had to keep his Commander face on a little longer.

…..

It was ten minutes later Tali informed Kal of her choice to stay with Shepard. They stood professional, even shirtless Shepard commanded respect. His brother had joined in with his arm in a sling and his jacket over his shoulder, hair as always amazingly messy and red.

"Tali's staying with me, that won't be a problem" Shepard stood tall, challenging Kal for what he perceived as a threat. He hated the instinct to like and hate the soldier, who reacted the exact same way. He saw why Tali thought so high of him, but that didn't mean Shepard liked it. His arm wrapped around Tali's shoulders, earning a startled gasp from Tali and a soft growl from Kal.

"We hope. We will go through all the political channels. My brother must have hit his head to forget his manners" Don smoothed things over with the Quarian guards with Kal. Shepard suddenly realised his actions and shyly withdrew his arm from around Tali, her body language showed relief and disappointment. The entire Quarian race was confusing.

"That won't be a problem, as long as it's her choice"

"It is Kal, I would do anything for Shepard" her statement was innocent enough but it drew several looks between Tali and Shepard. Arched brows and self-satisfied smiles as if they were in on a secret. Shepard's heart pounded from the dedication that had been in Tali's voice, he was honoured to have such a friend. It was then he realised he was standing so close to Tali their shoulders brushed, it seemed Tali noticed this as well but neither acknowledged the situation.

"Take care of her Shepard"

…

"I'm curious" Shaun started cautiously. He stood staring into the belly of the beast in the dark red light that filtered into Jack's self-appointed quarters beneath Engineering. He instantly saw the shadowy figure give him her attention, which brought a warmth to Shaun. It wasn't the rush when your crush looks at you that way, or knows you exist, it was honour to be considered by this powerful young woman. He was very curious.

"I'm curious about a certain biotic named Jack. You see, she has the foulest mouth I've ever seen and more tattoos than a Krogan has balls and yet she is beautiful in a strange way. Kindred perhaps?" he walked down the stairs, straight into the darkness with his eyes intent. He had one shot to figure this woman out, one shot to know if she could be trusted and her limits.

"So, tell me about yourself, Jack" He concluded, leaning against her metal desk as she looked up at him.

"I'm still finding out about me. Thanks for helping me get these files" Jack made a gesture with her hand while holding the data pad. Shaun smirked, thinking of Miranda's face as she realised the tattooed freak had beaten her, the perfect woman by most standards.

"To see the look on Ice Queen's face, it was my absolute pleasure" Shaun noticed the savage glow of hatred and amusement in Jack's eyes.

"Cheerleader's a Cerberus bitch, I knew that before she opened her mouth. Jacob, he doesn't know who he is, but that's not my problem"

"What's in them, the files?" Shaun finally asked.

"Cerberus is into some nasty shit. I'm going to find something I can use, I just know it. Names. Dates. Places" Jack voice turned into a growl. Shaun never noticed how sexy the growl she had was, especially when Jack was pissed. He had to admit it was actually kind of cute. A deep, raspy growl coming from a fine frame and deep brown eyes. He shook his head, imagining Jack's bark was worse than her bite was a big mistake. He had seen her bite, if she barked it she would bite.

"What happens when you find what you're looking for? Do you play Charades?"

"I go hunting. Anyone who screwed with me, pays. Their associates pay. Their friends pay. The Galaxy is going to be a lot emptier when I'm done" Jack spoke so truthfully and with such deadly intent Shaun shuddered. There was pleasure in the hunt, he would know. Revenge was sweet, but there had to be a line before one lost themselves to the cycle. Shaun had saved himself and his sister, but Jack had no one looking out for her. She had continued to fall. Staring at Jack he saw what he could have become, and he loathed it. He didn't loath Jack, far from it. This whole face was a smoke screen. Beneath it she was a frightened little girl.

"I can't let you go on a killing spree, Smokey" He knew the name fitted instantly. He had used the name for her before in the heat of battle, but now he knew it fitted. Jack also noticed but she said nothing yet.

"I'm here for this mission. After that, what I do is my business" Jack retorted.

"Let me rephrase that. I won't let you go on a killing spree" Shaun stood straight, glaring down at Jack without seeming angry or threatening. He was firm, dedicated to keeping Jack from her fun. This infuriated the explosive biotic but she kept a cool façade on.

"You can't stop me" Jack sounded so sure of herself. Shaun shook his head sadly. He knew he could, if he wanted to Jack would never see it coming. He was the best, even Jack couldn't stay awake forever whereas Shaun could stay up for weeks at a time with barely any shuteye. Jack was a biotic, she ate three times what most of the crew ate so food was essential for her powers and health. Shaun could starve for twice as long as the average human with minimal effects.

"I pray for your sake we never have to find out, Smokey" he said and walked towards the stairs, when one foot touched the first step Jack's voice came.

"Wait. Why do you call me Smokey?"

"Because that's what you've allowed yourself to become. A smoke screen for how afraid and alone you really are"

"You don't know anything about me, dumbass"

"It takes one to know one"

…

Shepard sat in his bathroom, feeling the cool of the tiles and concrete floor beneath his feet thinly clothed legs and buttocks. He felt the cool against his arms neck and his sweat soaked old muscle shirt which was around his neck instead of being worn. He shook as his hands wrapped around his body, supporting himself like a blanket. He would have wrapped something around his body if he had been able to endure the warmth. His body was so hot. He just wanted relief, but then he was so cold he wanted warmth. He didn't even know anymore.

His skin was in a sweat, droplets clear on his flesh as if he had simply stood under the shower tap and turned the water on full blast. Each drop caught the light of his room outside, reflecting the blue of his Aquarium and the whitish yellow of the lights. His faint blonde body hair also shone in the water, casting a softer appearance over his numerous harsh scars.

Every night the ghosts of his questionable past haunted his dreams, bore heavy on his waking hours. Forever held a portion of his mind, forcing Shepard away from all he loved. The faces of so many of the lost and long dead flooded his mind every day. He couldn't handle it much longer.

He was tired. He was tired of trying to save a galaxy that shamed him. He was tired of seeing his kills every night. Tired of fighting nightmares that had been granted by Cerberus messing with Thresher Maw nests. He was tired of working with Cerberus. Tired of being jerked around by The Illusive Man. He was sick and tired of his closest friends turning their backs on him. Tired of friends no longer believing him. Tired of bearing the blame and burden of the two years it took to put him back together. He was sick of being Commander Dolph Shepard, council Spectre, galactic hero, now galactic traitor. He was tired of being himself.

….

It was hours later they landed in Omega. They needed to refuel and purchase food, supplies and other pieces of equipment that the crew had requested. Instead of writing a list, Shepard had decided to give the crew three days shopping leave on Omega. Shepard couldn't help screw his nose up as they docked. He had always hated Omega.

The sickness and poverty of good souls was feasted upon by those with hearts long dead in husks of goodwill. The space station was a dump; barely worth setting foot in if you were an honest soul. Shepard hated how so many came wishing for a better life and instead found the smoke filled streets and Vorcha that trademarked Omega.

Shepard hated the area because it suited him perfectly. A cold, calculating backstabber. He barely felt worthy to wear a uniform, let alone command a ship on a quest to save humanity. He would never voice how Omega called to him, the hatred he felt for the place was also equalled with a thirst. Here he could be as barbaric as he liked, and get away with it.

"Shepard, are you ok?" Tali's voice interrupted his thoughts as he stared out the window. The thought of the asteroid field surrounding Omega made Shepard shudder. Somehow empty, lifeless space made him feel afraid and yet he almost longed to see a fleet of Alliance ships backing him.

"Yeah. Just thinking" He mumbled as Tali stood nervously at the door, twisting her right hand around her left finger anxiously. Shepard smiled as he noticed this, he always wondered about the habit but found no words to question.

"Why did you give the crew leave here?" Tali finally asked. Shepard sighed and removed his forearm from the window, his forehead naturally followed as he took a stride towards Tali.

"We need supplies, and this dump has a good club. The crew could use some R&R… Now, don't Gabby and Ken need some engine crap part?"

"Yes. Uh, T6-FBA couplings" Tali sputtered. Shepard looked to her in confusion. He never understood her slight nervous stutters, especially when he asked questions about engineering.

"Care to hit Omega with me then?"

"Sure. Just let me see if we need anything else" Tali bounced excitedly on her toes before almost bowling Miranda over in her haste to the elevator. Shepard smiled softly to himself before steeling his features.

"Miranda this better be important" he stated, eyes narrowed at the collected officer before him. Miranda raised an eyebrow which indicated the smart remark at the tip of her tongue but she didn't let it loose. Instead she took a breath and began.

"Shepard, I believe it would be beneficial for us to purchase a coffee machine"

….

"Tali! Just the lass I wanted to see. Wow, you're lookin' great. Is that a new haircut?" Don chirped, falling into step with Tali as she finished speaking to Gabby and Ken. Her body language was angry and tight, which left Don with a nervous expression. He knew how volatile his brother was, but even Shepard was scared of a Tali outbreak.

"This is a Cerberus ship!" Tali spat. Clearly it was not a question. The Quarian's hands were on her hips, her left heel bouncing impatiently. Shepard had told Don once that Tali tapped her left heel when she was annoyed and her right when she was nervous or lying. He had then proceeded to call Shepard whipped, and a flourish of other sissy names that led to Don sitting in med bay with ice on his badly broken nose. His counterpart in teasing had a broken arm and both his ankles broken as well. The doctor had not been amused with Shepard's enthusiasm to preserve his dignity. Needless to say once Captain Anderson had heard about the incident Shepard had become the second in command, and it became an unspoken rule "Don't fuck with Shepard" among the crew.

"Shepard will address this after we leave Omega. Please, don't do anything rash"

"Rash? Quarian's don't get rashes. This is a Cerberus ship! I cannot believe this! What is going on?"

"Tali! Language! Shepard will tell. I need a favour from you" Don gripped her shoulder. The material was smooth, her shoulder tense. He was amazed at how thin she felt despite being in good proportions. Quarian's were a finer race, how they looked no one knew. Some Asari did, but they were considered senile by now.

"Fine. One favour" Tali rolled her eyes at Don's hands clasped together in a prayer and his watering green eyes. He had the same pull as his brother, the same genetics in his eyes thanks to the Genetic Tampering but he would never have the same effect on Tali as Shepard did. Of course he wouldn't. Don was open and kind, his eyes shone and radiated happiness even in the darkest times. His thoughts flooded through his eyes unless he was in a political debate. Shepard pushed people away. His cold face masked the pain and doubt his eyes could not.

"Convince my brother to buy a coffee machine" Don stated simply, which drew confusion from Tali. Grown men did not usually jump in the air and clap from the wrist like young children overjoyed to be given a butterfly lollipop.

"What in the Fleet is a "Coffee Machine?" Tali asked, eyes wide behind the visor. Don paused, almost cursing his luck before he began.

"It's a machine that makes a drink humans like called Coffee. It's a wee bit of an acquired taste, but it keeps people awake and thus is productive for a stable working environment"

"Then why hasn't Shepard agreed to it?"

"He… has a wee, itty bitty issue with coffee machines" Don used his fingures to make a tiny gesture of space. Tali looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He rapidly saw his chances of convincing Tali to convince his brother fading away through her now scrutinizing gaze. He shifted uneasily, ribbing his chin and sighing before he dove head first into his explanation.

"He can't use them, and can't bare the noises they make. That with his training, and past experiences…"

"What did he do to the machine?" Tali asked in a somewhat amused tone despite the way she dragged her voice out as if it were a burden to ask. Her interest was piqued, but she kept herself in check. She knew Shepard had to have a good reason, but hearing the explanation Tali couldn't see why he would dislike such machines over noises they made.

"He shot it" Don said flatly.

"What?"

"Sixteen times" Don added, still keeping his voice even despite the slightly higher than usual pitch he used holding back the laugher and adding an air of dry humour.

"That's a little excessive"

"In a residential area" Don finally let his vocal pitch drop.

"That's Shepard" Tali said nodding. She could believe every word of that. It was strange how differently she viewed him as a pose to others. Skip had loved him; said Shepard had balls just like he did. Many had feared him, speaking in hushed whispers behind his back. Tali loved him also, but she saw a softer man than everyone else.

"Yes it is. Now, will you work your magic on him?" Don kept himself polite and happy as his brain kicked into political mode. The only way he was going to get Tali to agree was if it involved helping Shepard, or getting closer to him. Everyone jumped for the chance to get closer to Shepard, even people who were already close with him. It was just a fun fact that Don kept in the back of his head, until required in forwards situations.

"Magic?" Tali tilted her head in genuine confusion. Don bit the side of his mouth, struggling to contain his twinge of guilt at bending and revealing the truth.

"Of course. You are very close to his heart" Don started never saying (you could be closer) or (you are his heart) but instead revealing half-truths.

"I'll talk to him"

"Thank you"

…

"She's filled out" Skip noted as soon as he saw the expression on his friend's face. Shepard naturally glared, not needing to ask whom he was talking about. He rested his hand against the table and continued his level gaze, which always appeared to be scowling or actively glaring, at his former squad mate and friend with intense eyes. Jacob flinched, clearly torn between the two. As he moved to leave Shepard made his commands clear.

"Stay, Jacob. I want a rundown on the new weapon systems"

"Yes sir" Jacob said respectfully, holding back as Shepard turned his eyes to Skip.

"Watch where you put your eyes, soldier" Shepard sounded flat enough but the way he said soldier made Jacob flinch. Shepard was cold, but that one word bore the threat of a thousand funeral pyres. Shepard promised painful death and destruction with the way he uttered a single word. The air seemed to burn and in that very moment, Jacob knew everything said about Shepard's presence was true.

"Don't threaten me, Shepard" Skip countered with a tone of his own. Jacob felt like a mouse trapped between two titans. Skip was taller and larger than Shepard was, his eyes were darker and like Shepard's seemed to glow with red-hot rage. He also had his fist gathered as he stood, ready to swing at a moments notice. Shepard noticed this as well and crossed his arms, flexing the muscles in his own silent warning.

"I may be smaller but I will beat you down if you dare open your mouth on her once, Skip" Shepard glared, now standing level with the large man. Despite he had to look up, and his chin ended up on Skip's chest the black man was nervous. He showed it in small ways, the way he flexed became defensive, his eyes widened for a moment before settling back into the intimidating glare. Shepard was unfazed and stood his ground until Skip turned away and glared into the wall.

"Are you pulling rank on your friend, Commander?"

"Spectre... And yes, I am. If you mouth off about her I will put you in your place. Understand me?" Again, the cool of Shepard heated the room. Still, despite the sense of rising anger Shepard was as cool as ice and as furious as a raging fire.

"Why do you defend that bucket head?" Skip exploded, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"I defend Tali because she deserves a friend. Use her name, not your slander" Shepard actually showed emotion as he growled, which instantly made him seem even more dangerous.

"You're letting your personal emotions get ahead of your duty as our commanding officer! You're fraternizing with a crewman, an alien no less!" Skip accused.

"And what of you and Ash?" Shepard demanded with an equal tone. Jacob retreated to the wall, wishing he could melt through it to escape the explosion in the room.

"Ash is human, it's different" Skip let a low growl out. The room fell silent but the rage in the air continued to spark. Shepard's eyes seemed to go red where they should be black before he spoke.

"How? How is it any different?"

"Tali is a goddamn alien! Quarian no less! You don't even know what she looks like underneath the bucket she wears. What if she has fangs in her vagina? Do we know if she even has a vagina? For all we know she has two a holes!" Skip yelled, waving his hands to prove his point. Jacob's blush went unnoticed by the furious Shepard.

"Keep your mind off Tali's… off Tali's private parts"

"What about yo…"

"Or mine for that matter" Shepard interjected as Skip began to speak. The room seemed to cool down slightly as Skip sighed.

"You've been hung up on the same girl for two years" he pointed out, using a more controlled tone.

"I've been dead for two years" Shepard pointed out, rising his brows in a quick brow shrug and pursing his lips. Normally Skip would have grinned and granted Shepard the point, but instead he continued on with his own line of thought.

"Four years then. You're not twenty nine anymore"

"Don't remind me," Shepard whispered, averting his eyes for the first time the entire conversation.

"What? Don't remind you about what? That you died and left us all? That you were a fucking idiot? That you…" Skip never finished before Shepard growled and pushed him into the wall beside Jacob. Shepard only saw white as he heard the familiar click of his gun, felt the cool metal in his hands. Felt the trigger resisting him, teasing him to pull with the intent to kill. He felt the soft, hot flesh beneath his other hand. Muscle thicker than he could close his hand around, Skip's throat. He registered the gun put under the chin of his friend as he glared into now scared brown eyes. He saw something flicker there than resonated within him. The constant fear. He wanted to pull back, to apologise but he couldn't. He shook with the effort before he managed to whisper.

"Don't… remind me" he pulled back slightly, still holding skip. He felt the muscles flexing beneath his hand. He knew Skip was also holding back his instinct. The large man surprised him however with his soft words.

"Shepard, you need to talk. If you don't, it'll eat you up. You'll become like me. I've lost everything, including Ash. Because I was pig headed" Skip coughed as Shepard completely released his throat.

"What happened?" Shepard whispered. Finally able to focus on what was being said instead of the overpowering emotions within him that seemed to never spill beyond.

"Our pod was attacked. I chased after the man that almost… almost killed Ash. I thought he was going to rape her when I saw him on top of her. I found him, and beat him down. He had lots of friends. They took me hostage and tried to sell me to the Alliance. The Alliance did not think one soldier was worth risking everyone else's lives. I got sold around for a little, took some merc jobs. I can't find Ash. No one will tell me anything" Skip finally looked down, eyes shining with unshed tears. Shepard placed his hand on the large man's shoulder and squeezed. It was a silent gesture of support that Skip valued dearly. He nodded to his friend in a silent thankyou before he began to walk away.

"You need help Shepard. The nightmares, the voices and flash backs. Cold sweats and boiling blood. I've been there. And if you need me, I'm here" Skip said with a smile, baring broken teeth in a handsome grin.

"Have you spoken to your father?" Shepard asked with a raised brow, knowing the answer already.

"Hell no! I 'aven't spoken to him since he spit on my mama" Skip said with a perfectly straight face.

Shepard laughed softly as Skip left, shaking his head at his friend before he turned to Jacob.

"Ok. Give me the rundown on these weapon systems"