Hi all, it's Miss M as I've given ELLE a break from the comments for a change ;)

ColorCoated: This review really made my day and I am so glad that you enjoyed the big love word revelations. This chapter was pretty much my favourite that I've written in this fic so I really appreciated your comments

Lo: I guess we've been trying to go for the fact that their relationship isn't perfect but it works in its own little way. Thanks for all your comments on the chapters!

Sam's Laptop: Hi and welcome! I am not going to give anything away but things are definitely going to hot up soon in this fic!

SylverCross1: Least it didn't take long until Thursday, right?

Duos-deathscythe: No, things are never easy for our boys... always has to be complicated!

And finally, Snowdragonct yeah, love sure makes stuff harder... and I will not say anymore about the fights... you'll just have to continue reading...

14.

Happy. Happy is such a weird word when you've spent so long pondering it that just the sound of it echoing through your brain became some warped, twisted conglomeration of dual syllabic confusion. Happy. Ha-Pee. Hap-Ee. Happy.

It seemed a cruel realization. It seemed silly. It seemed impossible. How was he supposed to make Duo happy when he didn't understand the meaning of the word?

He was sure there was more to it, but the closest he ever felt to happy – or his approximation based mostly on other people's testimony, visible examples and textbook definitions – was with Duo inside him or under him or fuck just next to him, with his arms around him, with his laughter ringing in his ear, with those silent moments of intensity, with his physical contact. He didn't know how to say it, didn't know how to explain his realization, but then Duo said it for him and – and... He just wanted something, to give him something. The pain in his voice, Heero understood. It was the same pain he felt when Duo was gone, the same pain he felt when he realized how woefully inadequate a partner, a lover, a fucking human being he was and how Duo deserved better and maybe he would stay around for someone better and he wouldn't have to run and he wouldn't have to hide but god damn it all Heero just wanted to make him happy but he didn't know how. He just didn't know how.

And he tried, fuck it but he tried. And fuck if even he realized how fucked he was, jerking a man off in a filthy bathroom stall and that was his approximation of love? Relena would have a fit. Relena, his trusted confidante in all matters of love and Duo, would certainly never have approved of that method of self-expression. But he watched Duo's eyes, watched as emotions he could only hazard to guess swirled through them and he saw what he wanted to see and maybe hearing those totally unexpected words straight form Duo's lips made him stupid, made him more optimistic than he had any right to be, but as he watched he realized that confused mass of jumbled feelings was just a reflection of everything inside of him and when Duo came he felt Duo's orgasm crash over him and wash through him and leave him clean. New. At peace with himself for one tiny, little, fleeting moment and so the truth was easy to speak. For once, he felt he had the right to say those words because they were genuine and pure and yes, maybe harsh in their juxtaposition to their physical location but in the clean, white temple of his heart they resounded until their maddening reverberation could no longer be contained.

He was quite sure his shrink would love that bit of self-analysis to chew on.

But that just made his personal mission to get Duo the hell outta there all the more imperative. Duo was right. Duo knew it and he was right. This assignment, this place, it was too much. Though he was loath to admit it, the proximity of it all was becoming unbearable and despite himself he was finding he couldn't cope without the wall. The constant threat of someone fucking with him had him on edge constantly – the goddamned paranoia creeping in so close he could feel the relentless breathing on the back of his neck. He needed Duo and he couldn't have him. He needed his space, his familiarity, his routine. He needed his therapist for fucks sake, he needed that shit and without it the insanity was creeping back in, it's jagged fingers scratching at his heart, digging perilously into the soft tissue of his brain until every night he listened to every breath and every shift and every grunt and every goddamned hand scratching sweaty balls of the hundred or so men in the room with wide eyed horror as he fought the desire with less and less resolve to curl up in a corner and hide.

Luckily, he didn't need much sleep to function.

Luckily, he still had Duo's shirt, still smelling faintly of him, somehow managing to cling to the last vestiges of his musk, and he could lay it on his pillow and lose himself in the familiarity for just a brief moment...

"You!"

Heero's head snapped to one of Kerrigan's men pointing a finger at him. Heero recognized him as being one of the "inner circle," so to speak. He approached at a quick clip and grabbed Heero's upper arm tight. Heero radiated anger and it took every inch of willpower in him not to deck the fucker on contact.

The man sidled up close to him, his lips practically touching Heero's ear and he fought back revulsion at the stench of his breath. "The Merquise wants to see his merchandise."

For a moment Heero wondered if this guy was ex-OZ or some shit and forced down his frustration at his treatment in favour of finally getting the one thing he'd been wanting ever since he saw Milliardo on the colony. Unfortunately despite the fact that the fighters and trainers around him usually knew if Milliardo was on or off colony, their intel was almost always hours if not days off and didn't go much further than that. No one ever knew where he was, or where he roomed, or anything even remotely useful so he was stuck waiting for an opportunity to see him. He hated being relegated to such a useless role in this mission – his ability to do much of anything meaningful was stifled by the fact that he had to be amongst a bunch of ignorant fucks.

He allowed himself to be lead from the mess hall to Kerrigan's office where Milliardo was waiting alone. One thing he didn't anticipate was the overwhelming urge to throttle the other man on sight. Or at least crush his goddamned fingers for touching Duo in such a fucking slutty way.

Once the door was shut and they were merely two feet from each other Heero found words to contrast Milliardo's little smirk.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" They were hard, intentionally, meant to assault the other man with their force. Milliardo just chuckled.

"Ahhh, sissy's little pet," he mused in a belittling tone, "don't be mad at me. It's classified."

"You sent me in here as your fighter and you weren't able to tell me?" It didn't seem right. Heero's scowl deepened. It was dangerous, stupid, not much like Preventer.

"I didn't think it would come to that." The words were smooth as silk. "I thought Duo would get you both out of here by now."

"Why don't you?" Heero shot back, frustration mounting. Milliardo had to know all those people. He should've been able to shut this thing down before it even began. Over a year without Duo... and he was starting to blame the asshole sitting right in front of him. Anger swept through him in a hot wash but he managed to keep his hands from trembling.

Milliardo snorted derisively. "How could I do that, Heero? I'm the one who brought this whole little situation to the attention of Preventer in the first place. It wouldn't be very good now, would it, to have me take down all of my friends. Une certainly didn't think so. It was her call to send Duo in. It's not my fault your little fuck buddy can't get his act together."

The flippant way Milliardo referred to their relationship and Duo left Heero's nails biting cruelly into his palms.

"Oh, that's right – you love him, don't you?" The way Milliardo's lips quirked up made Heero want to smack the smirk right off his face. "Do you even know what that word means? Are you even capable of that emotion? I had once thought you had a strong heart – but I was wrong. Seeing you with her every day, wandering after her like a lost puppy, that painful look in your eyes whenever he's away – it disgusts me." His lips arched from his teeth as if the word 'disgust' itself revolted him. "You could be so much more than you are, but instead you let the war crush you and leave you a snivelling brat."

Although the words were less than flattering, Heero found his anger giving way to confusion. The depth of emotion in the other man's accusations was startling – if not a little disconcerting. Heero had personally never thought of himself as anything more than a flawed individual with a particular amount of dedication that other's lacked. Well, and a lot of specialized training and some genetic alteration, clearly, but no different than anyone else at his core. It almost seemed as if he'd personally betrayed Milliardo somehow and he didn't understand it. Of all people, Milliardo should understand him best – the expectations thrust on him by external forces nothing like the reality of who he was.

"What happened on Mars?"

The unexpected question snapped in the silence of the room and Milliardo stood suddenly, staring down at Heero in an act of intimidation.

"I fail to see what that has to do with anything."

"You've changed too." Heero paused. Crossed his arms over his chest. Glared back, unfazed. "Noin." Just her name and his pupils fucking dilated. Heero bit back a smirk. "You truly loved her, didn't you?" His lips twitched. Oh, such a tiny movement, compulsive, and Heero caught it. "But she didn't understand, did she? Just like your sister never understood me." The lower lip trembled just slightly and Heero's words were slow, almost teasing, smug in his certainty. "Noin never took a life. Noin is perfect, pure. Noin could never love you if she knew who you really were, how damaged you really are, isn't that right? Noin –"

"Enough!" Milliardo slammed his hands down hard on the desk in front of him, staring down at it with trembling fingers, blond hair slipping over his shoulders and stroking against the flimsy metal.

Heero made a nose of disgust in the back of his throat. "I pity you. I have the best of both worlds. The friendship of a woman I admire and love and the affection of a man who understands me and wants me for who I truly am." Then he leaned forward, one hand resting over Milliardo's as the other grabbed under his throat, jerking his face up so their eyes met. His looked down at him piteously, Milliardo's blue eyes raw with hurt.

"Leave Duo the fuck alone," Heero snarled, his upper lip curling as he spat the words in his face. Instantly Milliardo's brows furrowed in anger and a hand came up and tightened over Heero's wrist. "Leave him the fuck alone, or I will make it so you couldn't touch him even if you wanted to."

Milliardo sniggered as Heero released him. "You don't trust him."

"I don't trust you," Heero restated for him as he straightened and they appraised each other like warring lions. "You broke a long tradition of pacifism to get revenge and acted as if a persona would protect you from the prosecution you deserve. I don't know what you could justify to yourself in the absence of your morality." Heero's eyes narrowed. "And I understand, because you and I are exactly the same. So, let me reiterate, stay the fuck away from him."

"That might be difficult when he's been sneaking into my room..." Milliardo practically purred as he studied the lack of dirt under his fingernails and Heero's heart hit his stomach with a surprising thud. He knew Milliardo was a lying sack of shit when he wanted to be but – "Don't worry your jealous little head. I wasn't there. But he should be more careful, sending communication to Preventer on other people's devices..."

"It's your device," Heero snarled back.

"Yes, it's a good thing I'm on your side, now isn't it?" Milliardo dismissed the conversation with a flourish of his hand. "Anyway, that's not why I called you in here. I just wanted to warn you not to interfere with my personal operative. She's been gathering intel for me here for a while and now that she and Duo have been formally introduced, I'm sure she will be working quite closely with him."

Heero didn't really like the sound of that. How many more people could be involved in this? It was frankly getting ridiculous.

"She's not with Preventer?"

Milliardo shook his head curtly. "No. She's mine. I needed a way to spy on Kerrigan while I couldn't be here. She was convenient."

"You converted her?" Heero glanced at him sceptically. "In the field?"

Milliardo snorted. An odd sound from such a noble man with such delicate features. "Imagine being a woman, here. She was easy. The promise of a way out and she was basically begging for it."

The crude words revolted Heero and he was sure his face showed it. "I don't know how much help she'll be this late in the game."

Milliardo quirked an eyebrow. "You are close."

Heero nodded a short affirmative. "If you change your mind and decide to be an upstanding citizen of the ESUN, your testimony would be beneficial."

The other man blinked in surprise before his mocking laugher rang out through the room. "Are you serious?"

Duo's words echoed in his head so hard they almost hurt. You have a choice.

Milliardo did too. Didn't he? He didn't want to rat these men out, didn't want to lose his standing, his respect, his place amongst them. But they were all wrong and Milliardo was wrong too. He had a choice and he chose to accept this inhumane behaviour for over a year to protect himself. It was repulsive. And that repulsion extended to Heero too – and he knew it. They were exactly the same. Heero chose to kill just as Milliardo chose to let him kill.

Fuck if he didn't feel like throwing up.

"We all have a choice," he ground out as he swallowed back nausea. "Every day, we have a choice. You don't have to condone these men any more than I have to condone you."

Milliardo just pointed to the door. "We are done here."

Heero let his eyes slide dispassionately from Milliardo to the door and back before he turned to exit. Once in the lonely corridor, he felt the despairing void of his true nature, the uncanny and damn terrible similarities he always knew existed between them glaring and painful – more painful than anything he'd experienced so far in the cage. He wanted Duo, he wanted Relena, he wanted someone to tell him that he wasn't like that man, that he was a good person, that he could be moral, that he could make the right choice when it counted but he knew in the deepest corners of his heart that he couldn't be moral and he wouldn't make the right choice and that he wasn't a good person. Despite what the people who loved him may say, he knew – he knew it wasn't true. Because he had a choice. And he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would chose to kill every motherfucker in this place just to bring Duo home.