Title: HOW DO YOU FEEL, HOW DO I FEEL

Author: Kammyh

Genre: Romance/Angst

Rating: R

Summary: Kai come back to the BladeBreakers with a strange feeling inside him. Has this something to do with what happened to Yuri at the abbey? What if an old promise made the things worse?

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and a rhetoric writing plus Kammyh is getting bored to copy all this stuff every time. If someone doesn't believe the owner thing asks Takao Aoki.

Warnings: The story contains rape, beatings and so on, if you have problem with that DON'T READ. Sexual implication that could be described, so don't like DON'T READ. YAOI. That means malexmale or male/male or MaleMale as you wish. English is not my native language (people say also Italian is not, anyway) and I'm not perfect (am I Borg/Biovolt creation?), so BE TOLERANT about mistakes and so on. Yuri/Kai and from now on slash of Boris/Rei.

THANKS TO:

WhiteTigress666: Well I was supposed to put in this chappy what you will read, the and of it and also a little Rei/Boris… too bad I wrote so much I had to divide it in more chapters… So, something R/B will surely happen even if not right now. Maybe in the next one if the goodness of the block writer help me in writing less. About Yu and Kai…you really think something like that will ever happen? THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR REVIEW! Keep reading!

MasterFranny: Still waiting for your mail, even if I'm planning on sending you one next time I'm free from classworks. Cmq, hai presente il problema dell'ultima puntata di G-rev? Ho scoperto che fanno la serie su un canale tedesco sul satellite in chiaro! Anche se non capisco nulla è sempre meglio di niente, no? Why is strange the way the chappy leads? Anyway you are always too KIND with me…always…Thanks a lot for YOUR REVIEW! Keep reading!

Demita: Well, it was supposed to broke the tension just a bit, but I'm glad you found that hilarious…This way I know what to write if 'How do you feel' ends with no review! Hope you like this chappy even if is quite…stream of consciousness! THANK YOU A LOT for you review! KEEP reading!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Tensed feelings

Rectangular. Wooden. Neat. White. A number written in a golden band just in the centre of it.

Yuri examined another time the door of Kai's room, not so sure about what to do. The white emotionless surface seemed to hold all his answers even if he was too much unstable to read them. Or too little.

What was he supposed to do? How his body was supposed to react? Kai's eyes were magnetic and led always him were they wanted. It happened when they were children, it happened every time their eyes met…it had happened that time. But back then their emotions crashed and that magnetism made him felt as the slate haired had bounded him with steel chains. He wasn't sure he really wanted to risk that way another time.

Come in or not come in? He hadn't been able even to accept Kai's touch, do something like what Rei had suggested was just impossible.

Yuri turned and laid against the door he was previously watching. His heartbeat was every time faster just if it perceived Kai's presence thought the cold surface. The more his mind tried to stay rational and calm down, the more his heart cried to go through that damned white screen. Both Yuri and his body were left alone as the war between heart and mind continued, one wanting the red eyed boy, the other fearing him.

Sapphire eyes searched around for something which could soothe him and help him with his decision, but all around him there were just white sanitary walls with useless poster, on which were written usual slogan as 'watch the world with different eyes' or 'give your blood and you will save lots of lives'. (1)

Maybe they weren't so useless after all.

Yuri looked away and let his red flaming bangs cover softly his face. He could feel the light warm on his cold skin, but the more he rested there, the more there was another source of heat that warmed him. It seemed as his heart tried to aware the young Russian captain of his presence pumping his hot desire through his whole body.

The redhead heard laughs coming from the room next to Kai's one. Why couldn't he pass through that damned door and play the childhood good friend laughing and having fun how they were used to do? Now they could even be something more than that. Too bad there was no way for them to save things.

A couple exited the other room and one of them made a photo to the other. The light of the flash reached Yuri and illuminated for a while something next to him capturing his attention. It was the number of Kai's room on the side of the door and right below that a piece of paper in which were written just three words 'Kai Alecsandr Hiwatari' (2)

"Kai…"

Now Yuri wanted badly to die. He had considered just himself; he had totally forgotten that was Kai he was thinking about. The red eyed was so sad when he left him alone in the room. For how much he tried to deny it, he knew the reason of that sadness. Kai was no more allowed to touch Yuri, and this seemed to affect the younger blader more than anything.

Yuri had to solve things for those beautiful charming eyes he had made almost cry… those eyes now full of fear, even if that day had been so cold and uncaring. So lost.

The cerulean eyed blader took a deep breath, turned and opened the door with what was supposed to appear a self-conscious gesture.

Dark and silence.

Yuri watched quickly his watch. Seven o'clock pm. He hadn't noticed it was so late, anyway there wasn't supposed to be a blackout, so Kai should have turned on the light. Why had his younger friend protected him from any sight of light? It couldn't have gone sleeping so early, was it a trap? Surely enough it was a trap for his heart. And it would have been that way even if the lights were on, because there was a too pleasurable bait for him to not fall.

Clear eyes scanned quickly the room and found a silent figure on the bed that he could barely recognize as Kai's one thanks to the big amount of hair falling on the closed eyes and hiding entirely his face.

Red pools rose, showing the fear their owner held inside his heart. Yuri just blinked, but that simple movement seemed reassure the boy that it wasn't a nightmare. The sweetest smile the Russian team leader could ever dream about was clearly spread on the mahogany eyed teen face.

Yuri fell hypnotized by Kai's brilliant orbs, which smiled just for him, and totally forgot even to close the door.

Kai's smile grew wider and, in Yuri's eyes, even sweeter.

"Mind to close the door? People outside don't need to see how handsome I am in the darkness of the night."

Yuri's face grew redder as the blader turned quickly and closed the door in front of him.

His heartbeat was now totally out of control. To think about Kai or watch him sleep, was surely no way near to have the boy right in front of him smiling and talking to him. Not even his blood, which was now almost boiling in his veins for the need of the red eyed, would have ever given him a such astonishing sensation.

Kai was fire. A fire he couldn't stand…a fire he didn't want to stand. His entire being now just ached in need of melting down and just disappear in the beauty of those flaming eyes. Found the courage of turning back again and face his younger friend seemed just like a snowflake fighting against a huge firestorm with the help of a joking wind he itself had created.

"Yuri? What are you doing frozen there? Please, sit here next to me… I swear I won't touch you…"

Kai's voice wasn't steady and trembled slightly in fear. Almost a whisper, but at Yuri's ears seemed just sharp as a sword. An acuminate sword that sliced open his heart. Was Kai really thinking he feared being touched by him? It would never happen, because Yuri trusted Kai and loved him. Still…

Still, that it was.

He feared the red eyed…and, along with him, himself.

"I don't fear you…"

Yuri smiled at his slate haired friend in order to reassure him and walked near the bed.

Kai had no time to register his red haired beauty's lie, because Yuri's smile had just made his heart jump in his throat and obscured his whole mind. The red haired teen's walking towards him didn't help a bit. The almost military walking was softened and the oxymoronic result simply charmed him. This until his body registered the fact that another person was on the bed and sent the information to the last bit of brain currently working.

Again their eyes met, but just to separate again. It seemed nothing was left by that brief encounter, beside a reddish tint on both their cheeks.

Rei and Boris had worked hard in order to found the right solution for them, now what mattered was just…talk?

In the meanwhile just silence.

"Yuri" "Kai"

At unison the two talked and tried to face the other, just to be back on their positions two seconds after. More tensed than before. Kai had totally lost the tiny bit of courage he had gathered. He plain and simply considered ended in a failure whatever crossed Boris's mind.

"Kai, I…" Yuri wasn't of Kai's advice, but talking just wasn't his best. "Kai I…I thought that…that maybe…we could…we could try the same and make the things…different…this time…"

The Japanese team leader watched perplexed the other Russian. Was it possible that the older captain had thought just the same thing of his teammate? It was a good chance to solve things and no matter where that idea came from, if Yuri had proposed it than he was at least a little bit sure about it. There were just a little problem…

"It…it would be a honour for me, but…I don't remember a thing and…would you…"

"Yes I will" Yuri ended the sentence in one single whisper. "You mean I have to lead your…your hands, isn't it?"

Kai felt his own breath race Yuri's one in a speed battle. Calm it down seemed almost impossible and he knew that for Yuri was the same.

"Yeah, I'm sorry"

"Don't worry…"

Kai didn't heard Yuri's words, which ended lost in a deep breath right before he had to do the same thing. Tumid lips crashed with need and passion as the red haired quickly turned to the object of his desire and kissed him madly. Kai felt the soft and warm skin of Yuri's hand on his face while the other wandered behind the soft fabric of the slate haired teen's pyjamas.

Kai had his hard time trying to suppress the need to answer both the touches and the kiss and to keep still every pore of his body even if ached in need his whole mind…and not only that. He enjoyed the ministrations, but without move or talk he wasn't able to make Yuri understand that for him was the same and it would be like to go solo. Moreover Yuri would have just calmed down his nerves, but nothing more would be added to his knowledge of the flaming eyed, so the red head would have fall back in a corner again crying. Again…

The memory unnerved Kai just when Yuri succeeded in forcing his mouth open and started exploring the hot cavern in there. Hearing the moans of displeasure the red haired was quick in let go of his friend and keep still.

"I'm…I'm sorry Kai, I've forgotten you were supposed to lead this."

Yuri was at the verge of embarrass. Sapphire eyes watched lost a non existent something else as he passed nervously a hand through his hairs. Kai couldn't hide a smile at the scene.

"Don't worry, my love, I'd forgotten too anyway. Please lead my hands this time, I don't want you to left me alone."

Yuri just smiled back, then took Kai's hands and placed them on his chest. His heart winced and his entire frame slightly trembled, but he forced himself to not jerk away. After he had steadied his breath, the Russian smiled again to Kai, more to take courage for the next step than for a real happiness.

"I don't want… left myself alone too…"

Still his azure pools were fixed on Kai's flaming worried ones. Yuri felt his voice tremble even more than before, especially as he moved his lover's hands around his waist. He let them there then cupped Kai's face with his hands and started again his work with Kai's lips, this time slower.

Kai could feel the fragile body in his arms shaking and turning every time colder, so he couldn't dare to tighten the embrace around that boy he craved of for his entire life. The pain for Yuri's bad conditions was barely hided by the pleasure that provoked the cerulean eyed teen's butterfly kisses all over his face. Every time nearer to his mouth until he reached it and the wet tongue took its pleasure savouring the sweetness of his lips, his eyes being tightly shut in bliss…and fear.

"…Try…"

Was all Yuri could manage to say at this point, still keeping his lips work on. As a silent answer, when the red haired licked again Kai's lips the two toned haired boy made sure he met another tongue. Sapphire orbs quickly opened meeting red caring ones. It was just a moment, but he could actually perceive his heartbeat relax a bit from the fear and calm down. Just for a single moment.

I t was long enough anyway to give him the courage and deepen the pressure on Kai's lips and, along with that, the whole kiss. The permission of entrance was quickly given to the hesitant tongue, which gained the right to explore undisturbed his hot cavern.

As Yuri's breathing seemed to low down a bit, Kai started to answer the kiss. He could easily sense his lover's discomfort even if he was barely touching him, but he knew it was necessary. Even if he had to feel Yuri's body tremble being next to him, even if he had to feel pain moans instead of pleasure ones… even if he had to see pale face near his own wet of fear sweat and tears.

This time was Kai who decided to break the kiss.

Yuri just watched him without understanding, while his body finally enjoyed the freedom.

"Maybe we should… we should start the reply… and quit kisses. This is hurting you instead of calm you down and make you feel at your ease."

Kai's worried voice and made Yuri's lips curl in a sad smile.

"You are right" Yuri stood up and took off his jumper and the shirt under it. "preliminaries are for women."

The Russian leader seemed a little bit angry. The true was that on one hand he had tried his best to avoid reviving those moments and to gain more time to prepare himself for this. Now Kai decided they had to do it, so it would have better be quick, or else he would have burst out in crying. On the other hand…

"Yuri…I didn't meant th…"

Kai stopped dead on his tracks. It didn't matter if it was the last ray of a falling sun or the fist one of a rising moon. The only thing that mattered was that now a barely visible gleam of light illuminated the red head and he could have a full view of Yuri's naked torso even though the darkness of the room. The cerulean eyed teen noticed that and tried to hide where the ray couldn't reach him.

"Yuri, come back in the light."

Kai's voice was steady and plan this time, in a way that scared the poor cerulean eyed Russian to hell. The slate haired stood up slowly from his bed trying to not reopen his wounds.

"Here, Yuri. Don't tease me."

His red eyes flamed in resolution as he approached the young man in front of him.

"Kai, you are frightening me…Kai!"

The slate haired took Yuri's wrist and immediately the other boy made resistance. Trying to settle the terrified redhead he reached quickly the other arm and forced him on the light leaving him free just as the light illuminated the shattered form.

Yuri was bent down on his knees with his arms wrapped around his waist. He had full view anyway of the red haired blader back and what he saw didn't please him.

He could clearly see the marks of Vorkov's whip and the ones of other type of torture that were common in the abbey, but he there were others that were not supposed to be there. Violet marks on their way to become green-yellow, nails scars, biting…Those were not abbey torture's results, but his own ones.

"Sorry…"

That was all Kai could manage to say, but still Yuri didn't hear him. He didn't want to hear him, because on the other hand he didn't liked a bit people around him kept deciding for him, not even Kai. Even if he loved him.

But he loved him, and was a bad thing rebelling against people who love you. Just evil person could do that, and he was one of them.

But…

Broken.

Kai watched Yuri moving back and forth, lulling himself searching for comfort. Soft whimpers echoed in the darkness as the flaming haired teen remained there shacking totally lost. There would never be another hand for him. He was lost in a limbo and no one would have ever feel the need of his protection saving him.

All of them pitying him. All of them loving him. Just no one understanding him and telling they needed him.

"I…should have obeyed…" Yuri's voice echoed in the silent room. "I have to obey to everyone is above me…because I'm just a evil haired boy…"

Kai reached Yuri in no time and knelt down next to him. Yuri faced him with cerulean vitreous eyes that no more belonged to the great team leader the azure eyed was used to be. Why he hadn't been able to understand the boy he loved? Why he still couldn't? They were just two face of a same coin and when one was weaker the other would have been right there for him, and the same thing would have happened if the situation was reversed. Now they seemed to have lost their empathy…

Words. He could use just them now. Let's hope they can help.

"You don't have to obey if you don't want to, because nobody is above you. Because you are just too good for common people." Still no sight of light crossed those eyes almost without color. "I love you Yuri…I'm sorry if I'm so damn weaker than you…"

Kai broke down lost in crying.

Yuri blinked few times and slowly his eye started gaining their brightness back. Had Kai really told him he was weaker than him. Right now his brain wasn't working, but just that single word was enough to make his appearance less savage. Nothing was solve, but now he was sure it could exist a little hope for them and, maybe, later he would discovered if that word had really the meaning he thought he held.

Once he had properly calmed down the red haired teen burst out in a free crying in Kai's embrace, but Kai cannot show how he shared his pain but joining his crying.

"Don't cry, please. I didn't noticed you were in such of condition…believe me, I'm sorry…"

The sapphire eyed smiled at the younger blader.

"I trust you, I'm sorry I reacted that way…I wasn't myself at all…"

Sadness flowed from Kai's eyes.

"No, Yuri, this is what I did to you…I have to repay you someway, but I'm too week to do it by myself…"

Again that word, but this time he heard the sentence at all, and he liked the meaning. Yuri felt like a child and he knew that sensation would last few more minutes, so he had better use this at his advantage and trick both his body and his mind at the same time.

"Do that with me then…"

Another smile followed…along with another of Yuri's passionate kiss.

TBC

(1) Don't know around the world, but in Italy you can easily found them.

(2) I've totally invented the second name, but thinking about how Russians seems to love thousands of name (yeah, I know is a common place) it went out spontaneously. By the way for Yuri I thought about Nicolai… I think they suit them, don't they?

Kai: When are you thinking to stop make us insane?

Kam: Why am I supposed to do such a thing?

Yuri: Ever thought about have a meeting with…let me see…a psychiatrist?

Kam: Can we just stop talking with questions!

Kai: You are late to study maths…

Kam: It would have better if I had kept my big mouth shout, but since I can't erase what I've done..

Kai&Yuri(inside an ambulance for the nearer psychiatric asylum): AAGHH! Please READ and REVIEW so she will have to free us!