Learning To Love

CHAPTER 14

Summary: As per usual, not every day is a good day; especially for Eren.

Chapter 14: Learning To Recount

I can't breathe, my chest is too tight. I can't see either, my vision is completely black. I don't hear anything, my ears feel fuzzy and like a bomb went off right next to me; they were ringing.

You see, the thing about panic attacks, is that you can't control them. They can be about the most stupid things; especially if you've been over-working yourself. You spill your water or milk, or you spill your grapes, every thing's going to feel like the end of the world and you're going to curl into a ball of breathlessness.

You see, panic attacks are completely overlooked and thought of as attention seeking. People think that the person having one, is just putting it on and simply doesn't want to do whatever they're asked or told to do if they are, or are simply worrying too much about the smallest of things. When it's the complete opposite.

The person having the panic attack, does not want to have it. They are one of the worst feelings ever, and if they are for minor things, then the person will often feel bad afterwards for having such an episode. It's not their fault, they can't control it.

So when I start having a panic attack in Hanji's room, the first thought that goes through my mind is 'shit, not now,' and then the second feeling was guilt. I didn't want to put this on them; they don't deserve to put up with my shit. I shouldn't have even come if I knew that I'd have a panic attack; which I did. But I didn't want to let Mikasa down; I knew that this was important for her.

I don't know what position I'm in, only that I was sitting on the couch and my vision blurred. I think my head might be in my hands between my legs with my legs tucked in on the couch. That's the position that I usually find myself in when I calm down.

I can't stop my panic attack, it just doesn't work. I always have to just let it run its course. It's annoying of course, but it's not like I can help it.

Mikasa and Hanji are probably just looking at me with disgusted faces on; thinking that I am putting this on so that I don't have to do my session. I don't want to exactly, but I wouldn't have a panic attack just to get out of it.

It's not until about 6 minutes later, that I come to. I'm in my suspected position – legs tucked in and my head between them with my hands on my head. I don't want to raise my head, simply because I don't want to face Mikasa and Hanji, especially the latter. Hanji has now gotten a good view of just how fucked up I am, enough to have a panic attack at least.

They must know that I've calmed down somewhat as I feel Mikasa place her hand on my arm gently; so as not to scare me I guess. I still don't want to look at them though. I know I'm just being stubborn and immature but I just don't. Not even when Mikasa calls out to me.

"Eren… please look at me. Are you ok? We can stop here; you don't have to have your session." It's not that I don't want to; it's that my unconscious doesn't. I strain my eyes as I only raise them to look at her to my right. She had a slight hint of a worried look on, but she kept true to her blank expression that she almost always wears now.

She must be able to see my eyes looking at her because I can see her visibly, although only a minuscule amount, relax from my cooperation. She moves closer, making sure to keep a steady hand on Aysen, keeping him close to her chest, and gives me more comfort in her presence.

"We can cut the session short and go home, it's ok." Her voice does manage to soothe me; my mind having decided to calm down. I shake my head and sit straight, lowering my legs to the ground and raising my head to look at Hanji, who was still sat at the opposite couch, not having moved.

"Sorry for that. I'm fine now, shall we proceed?" I try and speak in a confident voice, hoping to overcome the fact that yes, I did just have a panic attack, but no, I don't need an excessive amount of coddling because I am grown.

"Ah, are you sure? We can cut this short if you are not-"

"I said I am fine, so can we please just continue." I cut them off, really not wanting to seem weak at my first introduction basically. It's like standing up, with a massive sign saying that I am weak, and then clarifying it by yelling it at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear. I may have spoken a bit rudely, but I need to get through with this.

"Ok. So, Eren, do you normally have panic attacks on a regular basis, or are they induced only in stressful situations such as this?" Good, straight to the point; I prefer it that way; gets it over and done with.

"I do have them on a semi regular basis. They're nothing new to me at all." No point to sugar coat it, they'd prefer it that way anyway.

"What is your home life like? Is it stressful? Can this be a reason for having panic attacks?"

"I live with Mikasa. My father killed my mother when I was 10 and had gone to jail around 7 or 8 months now; the same amount of time that I have been living with Mikasa. Home life wouldn't be a trigger for panic attacks; I don't know what my trigger is really."

"Would you like to tell me more about what happened with your parents in further detail?" Now, it's the moment of truth; whether Hanji will be disgusted by my past, or accepting. Highly unlikely that they will be completely accepting of such a disgusting act.

"Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we? So, my father and mother were fighting in our kitchen back at my house, and had woken me up. I went to check out what was happening, only to walk into my mother being hit when she already had multiple bruises and bleeding cuts across her body and mostly face. I tried to intervene; to stop him from hurting her even further, but he just threw me away and sent me to my room.

"I persisted, but my mum told me to go and so I conceded. He had killed her when I was in my room, probably while I was crying, or passed out from crying. He had completely changed after that." My voice cracks at that moment, and I swallow and clear my throat before continuing, my eyes downcast since I had said that my father threw me. I might as well tell them everything, since that is what I'm supposed to do anyway.

"He had started beating me up instead, blaming me for her death as though he wasn't the one that had killed her in cold blood with his hands. It wasn't until about when I was maybe 12 or 13 that he had started sexually abusing me as well. I didn't try to stop him, probably because I'm just such a weak bastard that couldn't even save his own mother, but also probably because deep down, I still do love him like a father and couldn't raise a hand to family. I knew that he was just a bit messed up, and that the real him was still in there." I finish my small life story of woe and father problems, unwilling to lift my head again.

"That's really unfortunate, Eren. I'm sorry that this had to happen to you." I raise my head in shock at what Hanji says. So they aren't disgusted with me? "Of course I'm not disgusted with you. It wasn't your fault that he did that to you. If anything I'm disgusted with him." I guess that I had said that out loud instead of in my head.

They're writing down a few things on their notepad again; it seems to be messily written dot-points. Once they've finished writing their notes, they look back up to me.

"Do you still feel this way about your father, even after he's been arrested?" I don't exactly know the answer to this one. I say that I do hate him now, but I know that I'm lying to myself. I hate him on a certain level, like how a child would hate their parent for not giving them a toy; I hate him because he killed my mother. But saying that I hate him for abusing me is a different story.

I know that it's not right for him to abuse me in such ways, but I can't help but believe that I deserved it anyway. I guess I have mixed emotions about it in a way.

"It's ok if you can't answer, Eren. You don't have to answer everything that I ask of you right now. We can always comeback to it later if you want, or you don't have to answer at all. I don't want to push you into doing what you don't want."

"No, it's fine. I guess that I still feel the same way for him in a way. I hate him for killing my mother and abusing me, but he's still my dad." I hope they understand what I mean by that, I'm not the best at explaining things. They jot down a few things on their notebook before looking up again.

"And how have you reacted to everything exactly?" Oh, this isn't something that I'd want Mikasa to hear, nor disclose to them. They must be able to read the look on my face as one of hesitation and has an understanding look take over. "Ok, maybe at a later time, yes? We don't need to go over absolutely every detail right at this moment; we will go over as much as you want in future sessions."

I nod and relax a bit more. I look around the room in search of a clock and find one on Hanji's desk, reading that it is 6:17pm. Wow. This went for much longer than I thought.

"Ok, so did we want to end the session here for now?" Hanji pipes up, most likely having seen my slight shock at reading the time. Mikasa nods and says that we should and stands up, me following her along with Hanji. Mikasa picks up our things and passes Aysen to me so that it's easier for her.

Hanji walks us to the door and wishes us a safe trip home and informs Mikasa that they will message her or Mikasa can message them if we want to make another appointment. We probably will since we both obviously need it and they are the best bet we have.

We make our way to the car, buckling Aysen and ourselves in before making the drive back home, completely in silence. Usually our silences are comfortable, both not feeling the need to speak since it's not awkward. But this time, the silence is extremely eerie, the aura of the car unsettling and causing the already chilled air to seem even colder.

Is Mikasa in a bad mood after what happened? Or is it just my imagination playing tricks on me as usual? I look over to Mikasa, where she is driving and keeping a close eye on the road, and confirm that yes, she is, from what I can read from her emotion that she barely shows and I only know how to read from being so close to her all these years, in fact in a bad mood.

I don't know if I should ask her about it, unsure of whether she would want to talk about it, or she'll blow with anger. Her grip on the wheel isn't very reassuring, held in a practical death grip, yet steady so we won't be serving anytime soon. Thank you, Mikasa for your safe driving.

I should probably ask her about it though, otherwise she'll have it bubbling inside of her without any way to get out and she'll be stuck with it for the rest of the day, or week even. Mikasa, on the outside, seems like a very uncaring and completely unemotional person in almost every situation when we aren't having a genuinely good time. I have read that she has what's called a 'resting bitch face' and only people that know her well and for a long time, know that she is actually full of emotion and can see the slight changes in her expression.

She's only been like this since her mother died though, and to say that she is completely unemotional is an over-exaggeration honestly. She does actually show a fair amount of emotion at a fair amount of times, just when we aren't doing anything she has a rest bitch face. She isn't a completely hollow shell.

I do worry for her of course, she's not exactly the Mikasa I used to know, but I still love her for who she is, no matter what happens or what she does. I just really hope that Hanji can help her.

"Mika-"

"Why didn't you answer them?" She cuts me off but her voice is so small that I barely catch what she says at first. I guess I knew that this was coming anyway, Mikasa does have a tendency to worry over me, and knowing that my reaction for everything going on is something that I didn't want to talk about obviously doesn't make her too happy. Even if I'm reluctant to answer, I know that I have to at least say something to ease her mind.

"I didn't want to tell them that I've practically secluded myself from the world and become a hollow shell of self-destruction." I can't tell her anything else; I don't know what to say without saying that I've practically sold my body and actually destroyed it as well. She knows that I've gone to clubs, but not exactly what I do there.

She doesn't respond after that, just focusing on driving us back. Her knuckles are white where she clutches the steering wheel and that's the only indication I have that she is still mad. Her face only slightly gives her away; only someone that knows her really well can see the slight furrow of her eyebrows and death look in her eyes.

We don't talk for the rest of the way home, the only sound coming from Aysen where he was playing with his feet and making little noises. The drive isn't too long luckily, and we're home in about 10 minutes. Mikasa's dad is already home as his car is in the driveway.

I take Aysen inside with me and go to make his milk bottle. Mr Ackerman was sitting in the lounge room watching TV and he greets me when I walk in and asks if I wanted to give Aysen to him so my arms are free. I gladly do as he suggests and walk over to pass him Aysen.

Now having my arms free, I go to making his bottle with ease while Mikasa walks in and plonks herself next to her dad. He smiles at her in greeting and she returns it with a soft one of her own.

"So how did it go, the session?"

"It was good. They asked me about what's recently happened and how it's affected me and how I coped with it and asked Eren about what's happened with him and how he's coped with it all." Mikasa replies to her dad's question.

"Ok. So did it run smoothly, or was the psychiatrist rude to you guys?" He shows concern for us when he asks the question and a little bit of anger that flares through his expression.

"No, they were extremely understanding and patient. They didn't push Eren when he had a panic attack either, just being completely patient with everything." I froze in my spot where I was screwing the lid of the baby bottle back on and almost dropped it when Mikasa spoke those words. How could she say that? I didn't want anyone to know that I had a panic attack at the psychiatrist, and now she's just gone and told her dad? Why would she do such a thing?

"Mikasa!" Mikasa's dad had gotten worried when she had said what happened and now at my shout they're both looking at me. I can tell that my face is full of rage and shame, embarrassed about someone knowing I'm so weak as to have an episode at a psychiatrist. "Why would you say that?! I didn't want anyone knowing about that!" My voice is ridden with venom, hissing out at Mikasa, not letting anything back in my haze of rage.

"Well what is he going to do if you suddenly have one and he doesn't know what's going on?" Mikasa keeps her cool as she speaks and 'him' is referring to her dad. Of course I understand that if that happens he should know what's going on exactly, but I don't plan on having any episodes when he is around exactly.

"I don't exactly plan on having any around anymore people, Mikasa! In any case, it still doesn't give you the right to tell him! I can tell him in my own time on my own accord!" I really shouldn't be yelling, especially with Aysen in the room, and speaking about her dad as if he weren't in the room, but I can't help myself. That's the thing about me; when I get blinded by rage, there's not much that I won't do, because I'm not entirely in control of myself.

Mikasa and Armin have spoken to me about it before and think that I probably have anger issues, and of course I can't help but believe them because there's no other thing to call it. It's not often that I lash out at them though, although I have, but it's more occurring with Jean when we fight and I don't hold back with anything. Physical or verbal, I don't hold back when I'm full of rage.

I always regret it later, but that still doesn't stop the present from happening. Mikasa and Armin forgive me of course afterwards, but that's what's made my relationship with Jean so fragile, any wrong move from either of us and we start yelling. He also has a hot head and we can clash at any moment's notice.

Mikasa's dad looks extremely concerned and is holding Aysen closer to his chest, he doesn't look mad at all for my yelling at Mikasa, only sorrowful. Why would he feel sad?

"Eren." He's spoken up now and my rage filled gaze flickers over to him. His voice is levelled and careful as he continues, trying to console me with the situation. "I'm sorry that Mikasa had informed me without your consent, but it does help to know that. If you are susceptible to panic attacks, then I can help you if you do happen to have one, at any time. Whether you're out and no one can come to your aid and you need to call me, or whether you are at home and Mikasa's out." He doesn't exactly help in calming me down, but I do a tiny bit, at least enough to pick up Aysen's bottle and take it over to them. Passing Mr Ackerman the bottle, I speak up.

"I wouldn't call for anyone's help anyway; I prefer to be alone when that happens. So if I am around either of you when I have one, just leave me be." I know I probably sound like an ungrateful brat, but I need them to know this. I turn around to head to my room when Mikasa calls out for me.

"Eren, did you want the next session to be separate?" I turn around and reply that I would; if Hanji is going to want to know everything, then Mikasa can't be in the room when that happens. "Ok. So when would you like the next session to be and would you like them on the same day or separate?" I reply that any day is fine and that I'd prefer if they were actually on separate days. I do prefer to be alone anyway. She hums in acknowledgment and I continue to my room where I can bask in my own solitude.

A/N Let me know what you think of this chapter and if there are any mistakes! Thank you!