Wiping the sweat from his brow, Cartman dropped the bloody saber he was holding. Bodies were strewn across the hot sand. He reached into the pocket of a nearby Peruvian and pulled out a full canteen of water. He dumped the entire contents into his mouth, heavily panting. The battle was mighty, epic even.
"Those stupid sand beaner pirates couldn't beat me! Pirates are fuckin' gay anyway, at least ninjas are still cool," Cartman said, eyes burning passionately.
Beavis dropped his flamethrower to the ground. The fuel was finally empty. The small group of Peruvians and the two boys gathered around the burning corpse of one of their victims as the sun set and the temperature dropped.
Huddling under blankets for warmth, the group fell asleep. Beavis slowly fell into a deep state of R.E.M. he had visions of his journey up to this point. He remembered leaving Highland with the fat kid, going to Canada and meeting Satan. He remembered when he got to South Park and the mundane bullshit there. Finally, he remembered meeting the Almighty Bunghole. Suddenly he found himself in a glowing white room. A light hum droned in the background as the Almighty Bunghole floated above him.
"You are my herald, young one. You have been my herald since the moment you were born. But do you deserve it?" The Almighty Bunghole roared at the boy.
"Ummm, okay," Beavis replied, scratching his nads. "Would you like, turn off the sound? It sucks, you should play some Metallica."
"If you insist," The Almighty Bunghole bellowed as a soft, elevator music version of Enter Sandman hummed. "Now, young man, you must give up something very valuable to you. You must do it willingly, for I shall not force you."
Beavis paid little attention as he was too busy frowning at how awful the Metallica cover was. How could you make such a cool song suck so hard?
"How dare you! Blood on the Dance Floor does a mean cover," The Almighty Bunghole snapped. Returning to a state of peace, the Bunghole continued. "I am going to take your bunghole. You will be without it forever. For the rest of your life you will never be able to utter a flatulence from your body, nor will you ever be able to create solid excrements. Do you accept this?"
Beavis stood, shocked and said, "Uhh, no way dude! I need to poop!"
The Bunghole rolled its sphincter and replied, "Look, you have to do this or you won't be able to see Butt-Head ever again. You also won't get a new TV either."
"Dammit…" Beavis replied. "Well I guess I don't have a choice then. Take my bunghole…"
"As you wish, herald." The bunghole replied as Beavis began to grab for his ass in pain as he felt his flesh fill in his ass, creating a closed flab of skin.
Beavis winced and began screaming, "I have to take a dump! Ohhh noo…" Beavis screamed as his entire body exploded as massive globs of poop were flung from his body.
Suddenly Beavis awoke from this nightmare and remembered where he was. He stood up and immediately pulled down his pants to make sure his bunghole was still intact. Unfortunately for him, he was not flexible enough to see for himself.
"Kid, wake up! Hurry!" he whispered rather loudly in Cartman's ear and shaking him violently.
Cartman woke up fast, but noticed Beavis was half naked before he got a chance to yell at him. "Dude, what the hell?"
Beavis wasted no time explaining his predicament. "I think my bunghole is gone! Can you check?!" he said, turning around and spreading his ass cheeks uncomfortably close to Cartman's face. His bunghole was indeed, still there.
Cartman leaned away as far as he could, but decided to make the best of his situation. Faking shock, he finally answered Beavis's dire question. "Oh my goodness, it's totally gone! Unbelievable."
Beavis's eyes widened as his nightmare was confirmed for reality. He started screaming, waking up the Peruvian flute band.
"What's wrong?" one member asked, still speaking in Spanish.
Cartman had to stifle a snicker. He could take full advantage of the language barrier here and see how long Beavis thought he had no asshole. He cleared his throat and responded back in Spanish, "Oh, it's cool, he just had a nightmare is all. He doesn't want to talk about it."
Packing up their things, they quickly moved on, heading towards Lake Titicaca.
The Knights of Standards and Practices drew their swords and prepared for battle. They could sense that the Almighty Bunghole's herald approached.
Cartman became concerned as they moved closer. The figures he saw in the distance seemed somehow… familiar. He couldn't place his finger on why though. As they closed in, the band stopped to take in the lake's majesty. It was truly a sight to behold and they didn't expect it to be so breathtaking. The glistening blue water stretched out for miles. The sinister void in the sky that had been there for the past few days did little to distract from the beauty of the lake.
The leader of the Peruvian Flute Band looked at the water and a tear came to his eye. In broken English he said, "This, my friends, is the most beautiful place on Earth. Nothing can soil this moment of triumph. At last, we are here."
As the group pressed onward, the knights noticed the travellers, not seeing their targets right away.
One of the knights, a red haired man known as Knight #1, strode towards the group, intending to direct the band away from the battle area. He knew that where they were standing would become a great warzone, and didn't want any innocent, non-swearing citizens being harmed.
"Halt, fine travellers!" Knight #1 uttered. "Thou must turneth away. A war shall soon be fought here."
Cartman took one look at the man and groaned, saying, "Oh no, a GINGER."
The knight glared at the boy in utter shock. He was too angry at the tone of the uttering of the word ginger. "Do ye have somethin' against red-headed folk, chil'?!"
Cartman smiled sweetly and said, "Why whatever do you mean?"
The man's face turned red as he grabbed his sword from its sheath, making a swift clinking sound. The band members followed, readying their instruments for battle.
One of the knights in a helmet stepped forward and said, "Sir, I believe these two boys are the-"
"Hush yourself, Knight #3! This boy needs to be taught a heck of a lesson." Knight #1 said, his beady eyes staring down at the boy.
Raising his sword, one of the band members swung into action, lunging at the knight and crossing his flute against the sword. It surprisingly held up against the sharp claymore blade.
Beavis screamed, "We're all gonna die!" And ran towards the lake, out of danger. Stumbling on the side of the lake, he fell into the water and found it filled to the brim with dead frogs.
Cartman was running away alongside Beavis, but had to stop and laugh when he fell in the lake. Unfortunately for him, his laughter was cut short when he slipped on a dead frog and fell into the water after him. As the battle raged on, Beavis and Cartman swam to each other in the water, through the pile of deceased, smelly frogs. Luckily for Beavis, Cartman had quite a bit of natural buoyancy.
They couldn't see the frogs from further away, but now that they were in the lake itself, the smell was overwhelming. There was a vast array of the dead frogs around the edges and bottom of the lake, and some on the ground near the water.
Cartman was the first to question this. He grabbed one from nearby and inspected it. "What the hell is with all these dead frogs?" after a few seconds, he started snickering. Moving the frog in Beavis's face, he continued, "Hey Beavis, look! Mr. Garrison told us about these frogs, they are called scrotum frogs because they look kind of like ballsacks!"
"Woah, cool!" Beavis said, picking one up. "Hey check it out, I am ballsack head!" Beavis continued, putting the frog on his head. To his surprise, it was alive and hopped off and away.
"Don't worry Beavis, I still think you're a ballsack head."
The battle between the Peruvian flute band and the Knights of Standards and Practices raged on. Knight #4 lay dead on the ground, a flute poking through his forehead, all the way to the back. When the wind blew, you could hear the sound of the whistle through the man's head.
Knight #6's corpse lay next to Knight #4's, with drumsticks shoved through his eyes. The entire drum was smashed over his head, crushing his skull and killing him instantly.
A band member lay dead too, a large wound cleaved through his hand, causing him to quickly bleed to death. His last thought before he died was that he couldn't play anymore anyway, life wasn't worth living.
One of the remaining band members was being skewered in the chest with a large mace. Using the last of his energy, he reached for his flute, played a strange combination of notes, then lay dead. The other flute players stopped the fight, suddenly backing off.
"Oh, had enough have ye?" Knight #2 uttered with a smirk. Suddenly a roar cried out from behind the knights and they turned, only to find a large, clawed paw smash one of them into a bloody pulp.
One of the flute players uttered softly, "La muerte peluda…"
The flute players looked on in dismay as the massive guinea pig tore the knights apart until only one was left standing. It was the ginger knight. He was shaking in fear, but busy muttering something to himself over and over. It was the word shit, one of the forbidden words of curse.
Out of breath, he said it one last time, as the creature gnashed its bloody teeth towards him, suddenly stopping just short of his head.
Turning around to see what had stopped it, the over-sized guinea pig looked as an even more massive dragon bit it half. It squealed in horror as it fell, dead.
The dragon roared towards the sky, stretching out its wings and getting ready to finish off the rest of the Peruvian flute band.
"Hurry up Beavis! Don't you see it yet?" Cartman asked, pointing at the small building on the side of the lake. "I need to pee really bad!" The porta potty seemed innocent enough, but was strangely just at the edge of the lake. Nobody would want to use their precious toilet time to be all wet in a lake.
Cartman looked back as the black dragon bit into the guinea pig. "Woah, that thing still has some sand in its vagina," he noted.
Cartman knew he had to use the bathroom quickly since he hadn't used a real toilet since they were back at Beavis's house. Scurrying to the nearby port-a-potty, he opened the door and was abruptly knocked over by Beavis, who also needed to piss.
"OH HELL NOOOO!" Cartman yelled as Beavis pulled down his fly to take a wizz. Beavis needed to take a dump really bad but lacked a bunghole so he didn't know what to do. He thought maybe the poop would just come out with his pee.
"YOU PUT YOUR WIENER AWAY RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING FIRST!" Cartman yelled, pushing his way inside the porta potty in attempt to shove Beavis out.
"No way, I got here first!" Beavis retorted, shoving Cartman back.
They both continued fighting, pulling each other's hair and knocking each other against the surprisingly sturdy walls until they finally managed to push down the toilet seat by accident. This caused the door to snap closed behind them and suddenly they were moving down into the lake at an angle.
Knight #1 was ecstatic that his plan had worked. "Aye! Rise, Geldon! Destroy them aw an' lit me capture mah prisoners!"
The band was still running on adrenaline after seeing one of their members slain mercilessly. The pan flute player rushed forward and began hitting the dragon's foot with his pan flute as hard as he could. It left a small bruise, since pan flute players are not to be reckoned with. The dragon glanced down at him and moved its foot slightly, smashing the pan flutist under its sharp claws, eviscerating him.
The other remaining band members screamed, but decided their battle was not lost quite yet. They charged the beast, instruments drawn. They would do whatever they could to protect the children in their care. Unfortunately for them, their battle would not last long. The dragon tired of this fight and made short work of the band, killing them swiftly and joyously with its flame breath.
Butt-Head looked over on the couch to see that the Almighty Bunghole had returned to his side. He gave a few chuckles, remembering how funny the Bunghole looked to him, before returning to watching TV. The Bunghole seemed less interested in the show, looking towards the door as if anticipating something. Butt-Head didn't really care though. He figured it was just being weird like bungholes often were.
Dauman sat just a few rooms away, brooding in his office. He was watching the large screen on his wall as the dragon defeated the band members. It was such a waste of time and resources for something so pointless. Now all that stood between him and the Bunghole's herald was one knight and a dragon that was the symbol of everything he was trying to eliminate.
Staring coldly at the image he managed to miss Beavis and Cartman slip into the entrance of the base. Rubbing his temples to calm himself, he laid back and tried to relax. He couldn't do anything right now anyway, and it wasn't like anything urgently acquired his attention. The plan would still work. He would still win. Even if most of his guards had been killed in the escape attempt masterminded by the Bunghole, his plan would succeed. It was foolproof.
Taking a sip of his drink, he smiled. "At least the frogs are dead," he said to himself.
Beavis and Cartman were rushing down the porta potty at near breakneck speed, arriving in a room seemingly devoid of anyone.
"Huh, that was pretty easy," Cartman said, smiling. They headed down the hall and froze. Dried blood coated the floor and walls like a macabre paintjob. "Woah! Beavis, what do you think happened in here?" Cartman said, genuinely curious.
"Uh, who cares, I still need to take a piss." Beavis said, annoyed. "And besides, my nose bled more than this before. It isn't such a big deal."
Beavis picked his nose and suddenly his eyes opened wide as he walked rigidly up the metallic stairs and towards a regular looking door. Wiggling the knob a bit, he giggled at the word knob and opened the door.
"Oh, hey check it out, I'm back home!" Beavis smiled and sat down next to Butt-Head, though it was a tight squeeze because the Almighty Bunghole was hogging the couch. Unfortunately, Jersey Shore and therefore that dumb skank Snooki were on the TV. He was about to tell Butt-Head to change it, but hesitated. He felt something was missing.
"Ohhh, yeah," He said, picking up one of the nachos on the table and eating it quickly.
Butt-Head noticed Beavis was there and with a mouth full of nachos said, "Oh hey buttmunch, where have you been?"
Meanwhile Cartman was staring at the Almighty Bunghole, once again in awe of it's glory. He saw the chains and knew what he had to do… He had to sit and watch TV with everyone on the couch! He had a long day! He attempted to squeeze himself onto the couch and failed, unable to fit entirely, despite his best attempts. Angry, he started shoving Butt-Head.
"You asshole! While we were fighting pirates in the desert and zombies in Highland you were sitting your lazy black ASS here! Now get the fuck off the couch, I deserve to sit down!"
The Almighty Bunghole noticed that Cartman was telling the truth and moved swiftly to accommodate the boy. "Here you go, boy. I sense you are telling the truth. That is a noble attribute to have."
Cartman took this as proof that the Almighty Bunghole listened to him and started gloating. "Woohoo! It listens to ME! See!"
"Shut up, asswipe, I'm trying to look at how hot Snooki's butt is," Butt-Head replied coldly.
"Uhhh, I gotta take a leak," Beavis said, suddenly standing up and unable to hold it any longer.
Before Beavis could reach the door, it quickly swung open. Knight #1 walked in, panting for breath and looking nervous.
"Ye wee jimmies must be comin' wit' me now, Dauman wishes ta see ye!" the Knight exclaimed.
"Uh, no way dude, Jersey Shore is on," Butt-Head said.
The angered knight grabbed Butt-Head by the back of his pants and carried the boy, shutting off the TV as he walked by it.
"Let go of me you fartknocker!" Butt-Head yelled. He had to know if Snooki would take off her clothes this time. He just had to know.
The Almighty Bunghole got up and began following the knight, Cartman following closely behind. He had to make sure the power of the Bunghole remained his, now that he was back with it. Beavis followed as well, stricken by some strange draw towards the Bunghole.
Entering the large hall, the boys saw a short man standing in the center, close to the far wall. He was leaning on a fancy diamond-tipped cane that was studded in jewels. His other hand held a wineglass with member berry Juicy Juice.
"Hello to you sillies," Dauman said with a smirk. "Boy have I been excited to talk with you."
"Who the FUCK are you asshole?!" Cartman asked. He was sick of this shit.
"THAT! Is why I've done what I've been doing…" Dauman said in a booming voice, addressing the swear words that colorfully dotted Cartman's sentence. Quickly settling back into his cool and calm persona, Dauman snickered and stepped closer to the group. "I'm glad you asked, my dear boy. I am Philippe Dauman, the president, chairman, and CEO of Viacom."
"Uhhh what?" Butt-Head asked, confused. Despite having been introduced earlier, he still wasn't following any of this at all.
"You see, I wish to eliminate all swearing. I have very nearly succeeded. However, you children… present a certain problem to my goals." He turned to address the remaining Knight of Standards and Practices. "Knight #1?"
The knight stepped forward, grabbing Beavis and Butt-Head, pulling them away from Dauman and Cartman. Dauman made a neck slicing motion towards the knight, to which the knight nodded, drawing his sword.
"Uhh… hold on a second, what are you gonna do with that?" Beavis asked, looking at the knight, now feeling nervous.
"I thought if I could get you to work with me, I could control the Almighty Bunghole. It would make my plan move so much more swiftly if I could implant my new model MTV-Chips inside the rectal cavity of every human on Earth, but this is only a minor setback. Our chips would enter the bloodstream, heading straight for the host's brain, installing itself there within hours. No one would ever swear again… The perfect world… But no matter, I'll just have to give it to everyone the old fashioned way… Invasive surgery." Dauman explained.
"Um, excuse me, but if you want to get rid of swearing why am I not about to be killed like Beavis and Butt-Head? I'm like, the biggest swearer ever. Not that I want to change your mind," Cartman asked, worried that the question WOULD change his mind.
"Don't you see, they are no longer profitable to me." Dauman's smirk hardened into a deranged grin. "You on the other hand, are my most valuable asset."