Sectionals. What an episode! Angst, love, and everything in between...
I had no clue when I started how it would turn up. Writing the finding-out and its immediate aftermath was hard. I hope it delivers.
It was too long a time coming, and I'm very sorry. I was a bit down last week. But now, I'm back. With that, and a couple more pieces before Hell-O.
Thank you so much for you reviews! That means more than you'll ever know. So, please, leave one at the end ^^
(Finn)
Look, I know I stare. And not just because Quinn yells about it, but because when I finally catch myself daydreaming and go back to the harsh real world, she's always the one I'm looking at. Okay, staring at. But I can't help it. I really can't. She makes me feel better. So I really don't think it's that bad that I stare. I wanna feel better. I want to forget… all the things that went crazy bad in my life.
Right now, she's singing something, I don't even know why. I don't focus on class or on the song, just on her. I don't even care if everyone sees me. Because I know they do. They always do. I don't wanna help it. Her voice always did it for me, remember, dad?
I mean, even Mr. Shue doesn't care. He just let it slide, and I don't even want to know why. It just works for me like that. I don't care about the yelling that will come later. Not for that, I don't. I mean, I don't say anything when I see her talking to Puck in the hallways! Why is she always so bent on me not talking to Rachel? She's my friend! It's just one of the many reasons Quinn has to yell, yell, yell. I don't know if everyone is like that once pregnant, but if they are, I'm not having another kid, ever. So, right now, she and Mercedes are singing Mercedes' solo. I don't have anything to do. So, I just concentrate. On her voice.
...
The week end was hell. Quinn was all over me, and she's not afraid of yelling at me in front of mom anymore. She acts like we owe her food and support and a roof for getting her in that situation. Well, that is partly true, but it doesn't excuse her being so bitchy and high horsy about it! We don't live in wealth, and I think she resents me for it. Well, that's how life goes. Deal with it. I am supporting you, my mom is doing everything she can too, when I know boys have left their girlfriends the minute they told them they were pregnant. I don't do that. I have too much respect for her and my mom to do that. My mom brought me up well. No wonder I daydream in class. Reality is harsh. Way harsher than what I thought it would ever be for a 15 year old. Remember dad, what I wrote at the beginning of the year? I feel like time flew by, and that years went away like that. The years of my youth, when I could do everything I wanted, have fun and smile and not work and stuff. It's only been a couple of months but I feel like I'll be 40 when my little girl says hello to this world. I feel crushed under responsibilities. I feel… lost. Again.
...
I think you can imagine what I felt today, dad, when Quinn slipped on water. I was really worried for her. What bugged me out of my skin is the other guy by her side. What the fuck was Puck doing there? She's my girlfriend, not his. She's having my baby, not his. Taking care of her is my job, not his. It will never be his job. So, again, what the fuck was Puck doing by her side? She was angry at him too. He had no business being there, and she put him in his place. Good, Quinn. I might not be in love with you, but I enjoyed that all the same. By the way, I'm not sorry for being worried. No way. I care about the little girl so much!
The worst part is everyone was there. Everyone noticed it. Everyone was frowning. And I know Rachel will not let this live down until she knows for sure that it was just a weird moment, but that it didn't mean anything. Puck backed out. And I carried Quinn to the nurse. She never even went on her feet. I did what I wanted to do. I scooped her up, and just left the room, leaving everyone behind. Quinn didn't want me to stay with her, so I left after reaching the nurse's office. Good thing no one was in the hallways, I would not have lived it down. I didn't even think about it then. I just held Quinn close, and I hummed to myself all the way. She didn't move, she didn't make a sound. She didn't protest. She let me be her boyfriend. And take care of her. Because of that, I know that the Puck thing is nothing. It doesn't mean anything. Having her let me be there gave me some sort of faith that I could get through the entire year okay. I'm not worried anymore. It's okay.
...
And then there are days like today. Days when I can't help myself. Days when I feel like the most selfish being on the planet. When I hope that all this is just a nightmare and that I'm going to wake up soon. To find Quinn not pregnant. A popular Cheerio that dumped her boyfriend for the sake of her reputation. The mean head cheerleader she was, not worried about anything but herself. Someone like Mike or Santana, someone who didn't suffer much from being a part of glee. Someone that left me to be happy, and not just for the occasional thing, but for the whole picture. Gosh, since when do I get that lyrical?
I know. Since I met my lead. Since she taught me to reach out for the dictionary more than once in my life because she was using words bigger than her. Since she made me feel good about myself. Since she appeared for the first time in my daydreams. That was not that long ago. When I caught myself daydreaming today, I hadn't seen her yet. I imagined her catching me looking at her, with something sweet and beautiful in her eyes. Something I have seen, but can't recognize. I wished at this instant that it was not just my imagination, that she really feels that strong. That she'll always be there to make me feel good about myself. No matter what she feels, I'm the one dreaming about returning them. Because I can't. Not really. And it hurts. Way more than I had ever imagined. It kills me to never be free again. So much it gets me back into reality.
So much I slapped myself definitely out of it. Just because I love Quinn differently doesn't mean I get to imagine things. I still love her. I promised her I would be honest. I owe her help and support. Daydreaming about by beautiful lead is not making things any easier for me. It's not what I need right now. Right now, I need easy. I need a friend. And I need to stay on earth.
...
With Wednesday came a new supervisor. Ms. Pillsbury is fine with me. It's not about knowing music, it's about supporting the team. That is why I know she's up to the job. She's always supporting me, and everyone else I'm sure when they need help. Plus, Mr. Shue out of the picture, we had to come up with our set list for ourselves. Artie and I did. He chose Proud Mary in wheel chairs. I went with Don't Stop Believing. We only missed a ballad. That's when it could have gone all wrong. Rachel wanted it, and I understand why. She had a great voice and I never get tired of hearing her sing. Mercedes was not okay with it. I don't think she's the only one. She got Ms. Pillsbury to let her try. And I loved it. Sitting next to Rachel, seeing her frown, I tried to make it look as I didn't.
She's going to nail it with And I'm Telling You! We all got so much into it. Even Rachel went with us on it. I was a bit worried at first, because she was frowning. I couldn't hold it back long. No one could. Rachel let her have it. The solo, at Sectionals. I was happy, and once again, very proud of my best friend, letting someone else have the spotlight. Mercedes' a great singer. We're totally gonna win this thing.
(Rachel)
Sectionals are coming! It never was truer than this week. Not counting this one, eight days and counting. Today, we were rehearsing. All afternoon long. I just got home, and it's 8:30. I've never stayed so late at school. Well, all day might be a bit exaggerating. We did rehearse, under my lead, but after that, we just went crazy. We've been rehearsing so hard the past week we just decided to do what we wanted, if we still sang. I immediately knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to sing with Mercedes. She made a face, but when I turned it into a diva off she said okay immediately. Kurt did, too. She began one of her R'n'B ballads and she was incredible. Not as good as me, but still very good in her repertoire. If I'm being honest, she was great. More than that even. I asked her to show me, because I wanted her to feel good and I did want to learn a few things more. And she said yes, again. I think she enjoyed being the teacher for once. She was the lead. I didn't contradict her, nor made any comment, I just followed her lead.
I will be the soloist at Sectionals. So, I feel good about letting her shine for once. It's a beautiful song. I gave credit where credits were due. It never was so easy.
I could see the room, when she showed me the harmonies. She was the one who had to concentrate more. She knows I have perfect pitch and she knows I would have told her if she had gotten out of range. But she didn't. Not once. I was half concentrated on her, and half on what was happening in front of me. She the lead, it was easy for me. Plus, the scene in front of me was keeping me focused on it.
We were just us, the musicians had left. Everyone was singing in little groups. Well, almost everyone. Our dancers were having some kind of dance competition. Low music was coming from their corner, eschewed from an iPod and some portable speakers. Tina and Artie were singing to each other, sitting side by side. Finn was just staring. At me, I think. Kurt was with us, correcting me at all times. I had dared him to do the same, and he would be next after I had mastered it as perfectly as I could in the few minutes we had. No, what got my attention was Noah and Quinn. Talking next to each other in deep conversation. Almost touching hands. The constant attention they had for each other. It reminded me of all I had seen in the past. The secret glances, the knowing smiles. The attention he'd had for her for a while. And the time Noah and I had broken up. I knew he had a thing for Quinn. After today, I was sure it was way more than that.
The idea was turning in my head all night long. I couldn't close my eyes. I could not erase from my head the image of Noah kissing Quinn's forehead, both sitting just behind Finn. He didn't notice a thing. An earthquake could have happened right in front of him, and he wouldn't have noticed. No one bugged him. He was smiling lightly, and we were all too absorbed in out different activities to wake him up. I don't think anyone else noticed Noah and Quinn either. There was no doubt in my mind that something more was going on. Something I had to find out. The week end would prevent my finding out immediately, but I could at least find a way to exactly know what more is. Coming up to them is out, seeing the complete impossibility of either one of them telling me if I asked. So, all I could do was think, and remember all the signs. And solve that equation. That would be Sunday. Tomorrow, I was sure to have something else in my mind. Something that could help me escape from the images turning incessantly in my head.
Alyssa. God, I'm feeling a bit sad today. December 12. It's not your fault, though. You never saw that car coming, and you never meant to be hit by it. You never meant to break the promise we had made each other at summer camp, all those years ago. Every year, on this day, I find myself thinking about you all day, about where you would be, how you would live, if you had any friends and maybe someone very special in your life. I imagine how you would look, and how it would be so, so good to see each other just one more time. If you were still alive today, you'd be 15 today, just like I will be in a few days. I find it so awesome that we only have a few days difference in age. We were always close, remember? We were immediately best friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday, not eleven years, five months, and a day. Who knew a four-year-old's memory could be so vivacious, so present, even after all this time?
So, why do I not remember you in March, or in July? Well, today is your birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. I promised myself I could not remember you the day you died, or the day we met (not that I don't), because I get sad too fast. I tried. And I came up with that. Because I also remember when I went to Broadway for the very first time, and how you were with me, if only in thoughts. That was the day I promised myself I would only remember happy things. So, March got out of the way, and July just remembers me that we were best friends only two summers in a row. Today, I decided something else. I'm going to write to you again. Like, directly to you. You know, like I used to back in the days? I went some time with no one, then it was to the diary but it was far from satisfying. So, I'm back at you. I need someone to write to, someone I can tell everything to. I need that, desperately. I need your help, I need the feeling there is someone who can help me decide what to do. So, Alyssa, my angel, you feel up to the task? By the way, happy birthday!
I spend the entire day yesterday taking a break from singing and dancing. I spend the entire day thinking about the times I was on Broadway, and the memories I have from her at summer camp. I spend the entire day watching musicals with my dads. Not thinking about glee. Not thinking about anything, but her. I really need her advice, and her support. Writing to her was probably a good thing, but that is something only the future will tell me. For now, I didn't come up with anything more than being sure Quinn and Noah had strong feelings for one another. This is hardly a revelation, I know. An innocent kiss doesn't mean anything. God knows I did more with Finn and he doesn't have that kind of feelings for me. Plus they have known each other forever. Maybe they dated in the past, I don't know. Until I have more proof, I will not go further. What I will do is to be extra careful. Starting tomorrow.
I don't want to ruin Finn and Quinn with no grounds. No matter what the eventual benefit could be. Eventual, yes. Everyone knows of the tale of the messenger being blamed for the message. I will ever risk something like that just because I saw someone being kissed on the forehead. My dads kiss me on the forehead. It's a mark of affection, but something I would not find immoral with old friends. Being on the lookout might be deemed unfair. I blame my perfectionist side. I need to know exactly what is going on, and I need reassurance that nothing is. As beneficiary for me the fact that something is going on might be, the damage done to my best friend would be too much for me to bear. I never want to see him in that sort of pain. I never want to see anyone in pain for realizing the love we feel isn't returned. Unrequited love isn't to be wished on anyone, even on your worst enemy.
The idea that popped into my head as I watched Noah rush to Quinn's side won't leave my mind. He had his back on me, but the words are itched into my brain. And even more, the possible implications of his being that worry for a baby that is not his. If my best friend was having a baby with the girl I loved, I would be worry, yes, but not for the little girl growing. I would not seek hot towels. I would get out of my mind to remember that she loves me too and that all this is a mistake. And most of all, I would never let anyone see it.
All I could see was Finn's face. All I could see is that he had noticed something. And that he didn't like it that much. Asking Noah why they both were by his girlfriend's side. It was his job only. Wandering why she didn't look at him while berating them both for caring too much. Like she didn't want Noah's attention. What I believe on that particular point is a little different. I think she didn't want Noah to show the feelings he had for her to anyone, let alone to Finn. He had to get a reassuring glance from Noah, because his worry disappeared a bit. But I know he's not okay with the whole deal. I don't think he realizes what this could mean, yet. Bless him for being a little slow at times. It has its uses. He wasn't frowning anymore when he took Quinn into his arms and carried her to the nurse. Quinn had a weird look on her face, though. I don't think she would have minded if Noah had taken her there instead. It really was just a bit of water. That could create a tidal wave.
The rest of the day went fine. All the numbers we have for now are almost perfect. I will make a great soloist for Sectionals. I am the captain, I was elected, it is my duty to hold the team and let them shine under my lead. I am very confident. Only the replacement for Mr. Shue is a source of worry. I know my fellow glee-clubbers are thinking more about that than about Sectionals. On the subject, I know Mr. Shue will come out with someone just perfect for the week-long job. I trust him completely now.
All I could think about today was to ask everyone at glee what they were thinking about it. I found them talking about replacements, and I just went for it. My psychic abilities never warned me of the complete failure asking that question would be. They didn't seem that concerned with it, at first. They were downsizing it completely. But my sixth sense it right. And they gave me proof. Proof that they know something real is going on. The way they just bolted out of the room, I knew. I knew I wasn't in on it. I believed at firs that they left me there because they didn't want to be near someone like me. Mu pride was hurt. I mean, they don't trust me. That was all I could think about. Until I realized why they didn't trust me. They couldn't trust me because it involved Finn and everyone is aware of my feelings for him. The only thing they don't know is how strong said feelings are. They were afraid whatever I could use whatever it is to destroy Quinn and Finn, just before a competition. I see their point. And it only got me more on edge. Everyone knows. I know it. I can feel it. Everyone, but Finn and me.
Which tells me only one thing. Whatever it is, is bad. Really bad. They are risking friendships just for the sake of secrecy. They know it can do real damage to our group. They also know Finn is a big part of our chance at Sectionals. Which would warm my heart if I wasn't hurting for him. I believe he has the right to know. I believe, as a captain, I have, too. And since no one is going to tell me, I will definitely have to find it out for myself. The idea I got yesterday popped back into my head. It had taken me hours to get it out, and almost all the inner resources I have not to be thinking about it. But now, I have to know. And I will use the extensive knowledge I possess to do it. I need to think, but if I'm right, then I'll just have a few words to say to Quinn. And then, I will have to wait. Wait for a response. For Finn's sake, I hope it will be negative. For mine, I haven't decided yet. The implications are so important I haven't have time to figure it out for myself yet.
For now, I have to do more research. And I have to find a song to sing. It's a surprise for after Sectionals I just had burgeoning in my head. It needs maturing. So, that is what I will do tonight. Mature the ideas and plans I have for the next four days. For the first time in my life, there is so much going on I cannot see past Sectionals. We need a new adviser. No one wants to rehearse without one anymore. I don't blame them, for once. I completely understand. They have a secret to keep. No one can risk telling me in a fit of anger. It's okay. I have enough work not to be too bothered about it. Like I said, we are almost perfect.
I got so worked up thinking about all things yesterday I didn't realize I went to school with the same sweater two days in a row. I didn't lose any time putting the Quinn plan in motion, though. I have to say genetics isn't my field at all. I didn't understand everything. All I got is that Tay-Sachs is a terrible and lethal disease, and that it is predominant in the Jewish population. It took some time to find it. But as soon as I found the few lines resuming the disease in the Internet, I knew I would use it. and I knew I had to be like a concerned friend who just made a mistake telling her about this disease in the first place. It's cruel, I know, but if I'm right, what they're doing is worse. Quinn doesn't risk much, because the Jewish population most concerned with it lives on the Old Continent. Plus the recessive character makes it highly improbable that anything will be wrong. Which is fine, because I would hope on no one to see a child die of that. I needed to know. I needed to see what was worth so much just to keep it a secret.
Now, I know.
Mr. Shue came through too. He found us Ms. Pillsbury as a replacement for the rest of the week and the competition. I can hardly say I'm surprised, we all know she feels strongly for him and he doesn't reciprocate. He's married. He shouldn't reciprocate anything. So, it's okay. I know she'll be more than okay with my idea. Which will wait for tomorrow. She was too busy stealing my solo from under me and giving it to Mercedes to care. I tried to tell Mercedes that she was not good for the solo, not being really subtle about it, despite how great she was last Friday. Not one was listening to my arguments. I almost got the leader reason out, but I restrained myself. It would only have added strain over our relations, and I didn't need that at all. So, I let it go, for once. I let Mercedes sing And I'm Telling You. Even with the images looping in my mind, I could feel the strong emotions displaying in her voice. Her expertise at using her voice, I never noticed better than right then and there. So, I let it go. With pride. And a hug. She will make a great soloist. She'll make us proud. And we will win, because we have all these songs.
I could not get Quinn's reaction out of my mind. I had hoped under Quinn's initial look of surprise when I first told her that I had been wrong after all. Because yes, part of me hoped for it. I'm not a monster. I just don't want to keep the club in a rotten situation. We have a fragile balance and this balance is based on a lie. I so wished it wasn't. The consequences for me would be definitively bad, but at least the club would not be under a menace if the truth came out. I can't relish in knowing all is different, because I have no idea what will happen once I tell him. Once he knows. Everything will change. I'm not sure I can deal with everything yet. So, for now, I will hold it. Until I can decide what is best, and what I can live with. I know I will tell him. What I don't know is when.
Drum rolls...
Seeing Finn this happy decided me instantly. I need to tell him as soon as possible. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to protect myself. I don't need to fear the consequences. I need to do what everyone else couldn't do. It could mean the end of our friendship, and I don't know how I could do without that. It could ruin so many lives. Quinn and Puck will never forgive me, but this is secondary. I need to tell the truth. In the long run, I need to see him as happy as he is now. Like he was before all this baby mayhem began. Maybe he'll hate me for it. But it's okay. Some things are just more important.
I waited for her when she got out of the room. I needed to talk to her. To tell her I was proud of what she had done. It couldn't have been easy. I could see it on her face as we talked. She put on a brave face, but there was still something on her mind. I could tell. It's like I've known her forever. And it's been only about two months. I felt just great. I wanted to smile and everything. I wanted to feel as good now as when I was with Quinn and our kid. Sectionals could make it good, and I'm not letting an occasion to be happy all the time go. I need it too much.
His words were my calling call. It was now or never. I don't know if he noticed the change in me. He told me point blank he was happy about Sectionals because it could make it better with Quinn. That's when I knew. I knew I had to blow it over, and deal with the consequences after. We all deserve to be happy. Especially when unhappiness is brought on by a situation based on a lie. That is something I could not stand anymore. All I needed was the little ounce of courage I lacked. And then, he would be free. And everything would change.
Something is upsetting her. As soon as I talked about Quinn, her whole face changed. Like she was in pain. But not because I hurt her. It's something else. She seems so sad. And it's a good day. She hasn't done anything bad. She was very courageous. I wanted to know why she was like that. Not smiling at me anymore. I love to see her smile at me. It's not something I said. I asked. She smiled once more, but again with sad. It's almost like she can't not look at me, and she's forcing herself. So, I asked again.
"Something up with you?" He was trying to cheer me up. His real concern for my gave me the last ounce I needed. There is no turning back. No painless ways to do it. He would not see it coming. But it's for the best. So, yes, Finn. Something is up with me. You're going to hate me in a matter of seconds and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. All I could come up was "I want you to be happy Finn."
You want me to be happy... with her?
"And when you care about someone you can't just sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it." I don't know if he got the meaning. Even I thought I was speaking too fast. Now is the big plunge. My heart breaks for him.
What? What she talking about? This doesn't make any sense. There's nothing anyone can do for me. It's okay, really. It's gonna be, anyway. I don't like where it's going. Rachel is a lot of things, but she's not a liar. She knows something, and it's serious. Serious enough that she doesn't want to tell me. "What are you talking about?"
"I need to tell you something." I'm bracing myself for his reaction. I'm bracing myself for what will be next. And I'm hoping he'll forgive me. Don't kill the messenger.
She looked at me right in the eyes. Staring like we were all alone. Willing me to forgive. It gave me the creeps. It is bad. Real bad.
"Quinn cheated on you with Puck. He is the father."
"WHAT?" I yelled back.
In my head. 'NO. NOT TRUE. LIAR. NOT TRUE. NOT THEM. NOT TRUE. LIAR. NOT TRUE.'
I ran to the choir room.
My back was sore. He had pushed me into the lockers. I ran after him. He didn't kill me. Shoved Noah on the ground, his face distorted with anger. He's out of control. Furious. Angry. Betrayed. Unstoppable. Scaring me. Punching Noah on the face. Everyone looks. Everyone is horrified.
Mr. Shue stopps me. Takes Mike and Matt to hold me back. I don't want to believe it. 'NOT TRUE' runs in my head. It's not true! Tell me it's not true.
Finn's fighting Mike and Matt off. Noah playing dumb, not helping. Quinn's crying, not helping. He's slowly calming down Mr. Shue helps. I think it's setting in.
"Who told you this, Finn?" Quinn is crying. It IS true. It IS true. It is true. No. it can't be. They have to tell me it's not true. I have to hear it. I have to hear it. it's not true.
Everyone knows I told Finn. I don't care. I feel bad, really, really bad, but not guilty. Gaining back trust from them is going to be really, really hard. Finn had to know. He didn't kill the messenger. He didn't lie. That is all I wanted.
"They're all lying to me." I have to know. My best friend didn't screw me over. My girlfriend had a reason for putting me through that. Why Rachel lied. "Is it true? Just tell me, is it true." I have to know they didn't betray me. They wouldn't lie to me. Not about that. Right? It is not true.
I already know the answer and it kills me to watch Finn have to go through the realization that everything was a lie.
"Yes. Puck is the father." She wants me to forgive. Never. Never. NEVER. I've been made. Betrayed. She knows I sleep in biology so she BS-ed me. She took advantage. Of me. I'm so stupid! So stupid! Hot water… yeah, real fine, Finn. You believing her screwed you over good. Gosh! What a dickwad! I'm the only one capable of buying that. The only one.
Noah has to lay low. Finn's not over punching him again, I just know it. 'Quit the lame ass comments' I wanted to yell. No, no time for correct language.
I'm done. Done with. Done with Quinn. Done with everyone. Done with glee. Glee only brought pain. I'M DONE. And I can't go home. Mom can't see me like this. I need to be alone.
(Rachel)
Finn walked out of the room, kicking a chair on the way. I was feeling a strange mixture of pain and relief, shame and certainty. Not real proud of what I have done, but I needed to do it. It wasn't the right moment, and at the same time it was. I don't have to worry about emotions, now. Everyone but Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury looked at me with death stares, and they all went out in silence. MR. Shue wasn't happy, but I think he understood. "Why did you do it, why now?" "Lies are toxic, Mr. Shue I'm a captain. It's my job to look out for the team in the long run. Sometimes it entails doing things I don't want to do. I didn't choose the time. I myself have known for less than an hour." He understood. I knew that. Ms. Pillsbury did, too. They smiled sadly, and went out of the room. I stayed there for a few moments. I had to apologize to only one person. Quinn.
So, I did. I went to her, finding her crying, sitting on a bench in the hallways. I wanted to accept all and every physical damage she wanted to do to me. She didn't do anything. She wasn't mad at me. I told her I was after Finn, which is true, but not the only reason I told him, not by a long shot. We both lost something in the process. I lost my best friend, and she lost her boyfriend. She had lost him a long time ago, but it had only taken place today. She told me to go, so I left, passing by Puck. He was angry too, but no trace of it really directed at me. The situation was just bad. And we had never been really friends.
All I have left now is a team set against me for telling the truth, the ones that should be even angrier at me actually being the one that are the less mad. I have a best friend who left the group, and me in the process. I have a team that can't compete anymore with one member short of the minimum. And I have a full set list. Things could be better. I have hope, they will.
The next two days went in a blur. Mr. Shue hired Ben Israel as Finn's replacement. We taught him the steps on our own. I put it into a vote for us to sing for Mr. Shue after Sectionals, and they all agreed. We rehearsed that a bit, mixing all choreographies of what we had done these last two months. They let me lead, because we all did it together. The eleven lasting members of New Directions. Jacob was excluded from that number. Friday night, I celebrated my birthday with my dads, even if I didn't feel like it. Far, far from it actually. There was nothing sweet about my Sweet Sixteen. Too much was heaving on my heart.
I had sent messages to Finn, and on Thursday night, he finally answered. "I need time alone. Please. Not mad at you." None of us had seen him since he had walked out on us.
(Finn)
I ran out of the school. Not going back today. Not going back until after vacation. I took my car and drove around until I had no gas left. I ended up in a playground far from home and a little outside of town. I could do anything there. I texted my mom saying I was coming home late. She was working all the time these days and I knew she would not wait up. I had the radio up as loud as I could. Music had always helped me. Tonight would be no exception.
I got home in silence. Everything wags quiet. I needed quiet. All of me was burning and hurting. I cried the second I came into the door. It only stopped when I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning to see boxes downstairs. Quinn was leaving. Good. Her welcome had died. My mom had left me a note saying Quinn had told her everything and that she would take her boxes after school. Good. I could still not show mom what it had done to me.
I didn't go to school, I went to work. I needed something to keep things out of my mind. I was getting paid for being yelled at Sheets n' Things, so it was okay. I'd have something in return. It proved good during the days. I still cried every night. It still stopped with me falling asleep. I was back with just my mom, and she helped me. I didn't cry before her, but she was just there for me. Like a mom would always be.
Rachel had sent me messages, and left me voice mails. Hers were the only ones I opened. She wanted to know how I was and if I was still mad. I needed time alone, so I just told her that. I wasn't mad. She hadn't lied to me. She answered "Okay. Miss you." And never sent one again. I think she told the others because they stopped too. By Friday night, for her I just thought 'thank you'.
Sectionals. I'm going back alternative, and they're not together in the beginning, so hold on.
Saturday finally came. Still, no word from Finn. He had definitely left us. Well, we still had a competition to go to. And to win. We all got into the special bus, all eleven of us, plus Ben Israel. I still can't see him as a part of the team, because he's not. He never will be. He can't sing and he's just there to replace Finn. No one was talking. I had to change places several times upon being joined by Ben each time. He was touching my shoulders, and I could not deal with him now. I had a whole team to cheer. Well, cheer as well as I could, as they were still mad at me, Kurt being the angrier. It was the longest ride we've ever taken.
Saturday morning, I woke up with a start. Because I had worked the last two days, and because I had already cleared the day, I had nothing to do. Not really. So, I went to school. Not at the crack of dawn, I think I got there around eleven. I had walked there, and it had taken the better part of an hour. I never realized I lived that far. Okay, not far, but driving changes everything to distances. Being the week end, I knew I would not see anyone there. I had my football locker to clean out, and I didn't want to wait any longer.
The only thing I knew was that with Ms. Pillsbury, we had someone who believed in us, no matter what. She could be of great help, plus everyone liked her. I believed in us, as for everyone else, I had no way to know.
It was weird being all alone. I'm used to see the school and lockers full of people, and here I was, alone. Like I had been the last two days and a half. I was feeling better, but it was very fragile. I still had to restrain myself. My next stop after the lockers was going to be the workout room. I needed to work that frustration out, and doing it around the house is a bad idea. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to go on holidays, and be on a three weeks break. School could not start again late enough. Then, a noise had me look up from my bag.
We arrived at the competition's site. Buckeye civic auditorium. All in regular clothes, our costumes being taken upon arrival by people from the auditorium in charge of it to our team's room. It was called the green room. The auditorium was big and red and had a lot of people walking around. We were all sitting, in silence, while Ms. Pillsbury signed us in. She came back, and told us we were going last. One other thing the club wasn't happy about. Upon hearing Tina's comment, I could not take it anymore. I had a job to do. I had a team to cheer. And I would do just that.
Mr. Shue. The only one I who could be at school today. Great. I went here to be alone, clean my things, work out a bit and then go home. That is a good plan. I don't think it's going to stay like that. Mr. Shue has a way of changing my plans. Just like the way he changed it when he made me join…
Going last is good. Better, even, than going first. Because we'll have time to see what the other teams have, and time to prepare ourselves. My never winning an audition just yet doesn't count. All knowledge is good to have. And this is my field of expertise. So I would not be turned into ridicule by Kurt, no matter how much he wants it. Plus, I have our supervisor on my side. I, for one am impatient. I can't wait those hours in between performances from the groups. I can't wait for us to go on stage. I feel really good about our numbers, and not even Jacob Ben Israel is going to change that. So, like Mercedes said, and I'm afraid she was the only other one thinking like me, no reason not to get in with positive mojo.
"Seems like something that could have waited until Monday." I couldn't wait until… Changed the subject. Just because I'm not in anymore doesn't mean I don't care. And I'm really sorry things are bad. but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that. There is nothing I can do. And I don't like where his next line is going. He wants me to… go?
Well… we definitively need positivity. And self-restraint. We got our set list stolen! Someone from the team leaked it to the enemy. To Ms. Sylvester, first, probably. I don't know of another teacher that bent on destroying us. Not even the Coach. From what I heard, his problem isn't with us, it's with Mr. Shue. And I know Finn didn't do it. he left us, sure, but he loved glee too much to do something like that. I know it. Just like I know we have other kids who could fill the profile of the stealer just right. Starting with the Cheerios, ex or not.
I don't think so. "And I can? I can't be in the same room with her without crying like a girl. I can't see look at him without wanting to punch his face off." Good thing I haven't seen any of them in the last few days. Just memories when I get around are just enough these days. No, going is definitely out. Until he changes my mind. He's just like Rachel this way. He knows what to say to flip me over to his side. And I am sorry for what happened with your wife. Not that I could ever say it.
I couldn't see, but I could feel the dejection and anger emanating from every one of us. We watched Proud Mary and If I'm Telling You being performed by the Jane's Academy. There was no doubt in any of us. We were sabotaged, and only Ms. Sylvester was capable of doing that. Only she could destroy twelve people's dream just to have her own. No human being was capable of that. And she was no human being. I think we all knew that by now.
"All I know is that between you and me, I don't think they can win without you." See, dad? What'd I told you. Everything is always on my shoulders. Glee. Football. Basketball. I have to do things I don't want because I'm the leader. Why can't other people do it, for once? I don't want to be the bigger man. I don't want to go and save the day. I don't want to be the super hero. I feel so not like a super hero. Not fair! I want to forget all of it ever happened. But I feel like for him it's been there, done that. He was the lead too, back then. He knows what I'm talking about.
We waited the first intermission, everyone feeling even lower than the next. I'm not sure which was worse. Knowing one of us had sabotaged us or just knowing we had no chance at winning. No win meant no Regionals. And no Regionals meant no more glee club. For me, it was a toss-up. One moment the first, one moment the next. We would still do our best, but it was just for show now. The fire had died. Glee club: September 11 - December 19, 2009. Rest in peace. We'll all miss it. And cry in silence. Like I do right now.
"You can't always get what you want." Thanks, Mr. Shue. I hadn't noticed. And when he left, with his car keys behind, I'm sure he knew I was gonna get there. He had given me the solution, so it didn't look that bad. it was like the first time I had come back. I was bringing the music, all over again. And I would need the entire team to make it work. I had saved New Directions once already, and in my heart I didn't want that time to be for nothing. So maybe we needed to get saved one more time.
The second performers came, sang Don't Stop Believing, and I got exasperated by some guy crying the row before mine. I got up, called a meeting and stormed out, in silence, in the way I sued to before. This had to stop. We had to do something. We had no songs on our set list left, and we would need all time available to go through the motions of picking three and rehearsing a bit right before performing.
Without wasting time, I got the music, took my anger out on the Cherrio's copy machine, got in his car and left. Direction: Buckeye civic auditorium.
They joined me pretty fast, and we all went into work mode. we found out Brittany was the leak, but we were more annoyed at her than downright mad. She had no idea of the bad she would cause. And Santana admitted to us being the best part of her day. I felt it like a small victory, right then and there. And I believe her. So now, we needed new numbers. To be precise, a ballad, and two group numbers.
The ride was fast. I never broke any speed laws, and only going the limited speed felt fast to me. I was nervous, scared of my own reaction when I would see everyone again. But I had to man up, and do what I needed to. Rachel came back once because we had a performance. I could come back just for that sole competition. Glee would continue without me, but at least it would get to continue. I got there quickly, found the listing and saw where I could find them all.
I tried to get one from Mercedes, to have her still singing the solo, but she gave it back to me. Kurt was behind her, and he always was my strongest opponent. So, I will perform the song I had planned to a few weeks ago. I have been training for that for twelve years, after all. Quinn was up, and came with Somebody To Love. Only Noah still doubted. He had a point, though. We needed a third number. What I saw next, I could not believe.
I got into the room, and time stopped. All eyes were on me. Like the E.T. coming home after some time on another planet. Felt a bit like that, too. I was back, for the performance. They needed me, and I wasn't going to let them down now. It took all I had not to bolt out again. I was careful not to be close to anyone just yet. My anger had risen a bit, and I needed time to let it go down again.
He took charge. Just like I remember him taking charge the last time around. My heart was still fluttering in my chest from seeing him again. We were six then, we're twelve now. Our dancers did choreography. Ben Israel got kicked out of the team, but not before making a comment about his goals here I chose to ignore. Everyone got to work. I welcomed him back. One captain to another. One lead to another. One best friend to another. And more. We had convinced Mr. Shue to stay with one song. We could convince the judges with three. It was all about believing.
No, not cool, Puck. It never will be cool. Not you, not her. Be happy I don't punch you again because we could get disqualified and leave it at that. I left him at that. I went by Rachel, wanting to hug her for just being concerned. I didn't, we had more pressing matters. I had a talk just for her, too. I knew she had gotten the solo back. No one had told me. I just did. I smiled at her, she smiled at me, and I joined my team to work on the new song. A new song not even one hour before performing. We're crazy!
I wanted to hug him, and I think he wanted to hug me. He didn't hold back the pep talk he had for me, or the smile and concern. He really wasn't mad at me. He was one savior, I was the other. Just like the team we always were. I had my best friend back. I felt happy in all this mess. I went to rehearse my solo before joining everyone around the table for the second song that could save us all. I kept glancing at him. I don't think he realizes the importance he had in the group. I don't think he ever had.
The hour flew by. Before I knew it, we changed into our costumes, and prepared ourselves backstage. I was nervous. It was a real competition, and the future of the club was hanging on our winning it. before long we were aligned, split in two groups. It was almost time.
Finn was standing right behind me. I could feel him, him warmth and silent support, his hands on my shoulder. I will never thank him enough for doing those simple gestures for me. He was the one who had dealt with a lot, and today, he still came through for us. That was something I would never forget. I looked up in his eyes and told him to go with our team. I didn't really want him to leave, but the spotlight would come on me and they could not see him before the right time. He just smiled in the dim lights, and took a few steps back. The music came on. Showtime.
Once again, I almost got lost hearing her sing. This was something I'd never heard before, and she had so much power, so many feelings in her voice… I almost missed my clue. Mercedes poked me in the back a few seconds before and I was right back on track. Focused. On the competition. Not on her.
Singing the solo and those two other numbers… one the greatest rush I ever had in my life! A real group effort? You Can't Always Get What You Want. Singing with him, it's like nothing had happened. It still felt as right and good as ever. All complete with the flutters in my stomach and everything. I might have fallen in love with him again. Even if for now, I have to hold that back. I promise, Ally, one day, I'll introduce him to you.
After the show, we went back stage. And right next to the judge's room to try and hear anything they could say. We were all nervous, and it was making us do crazy things. Artie was on listening-in-with-a-glass detail, and he was not happy. It wasn't really good.
The Jane's Academy advisor came to us, to apologize. At least, she recognized the cheat. That was not enough, though. Two teams could win because of our work. She wanted to make it all right, but the judges had already deliberated. No one could do anything anymore. The tension rose up a notch.
We waited for a lifetime. Sure, more like a few minutes. Felt like a lifetime. We all went on stage, with the other teams, and the guy-judge read the results. We won!
We won! A big shiny trophy and everything! We won! Almost everyone hugged each other. I was crying with joy. It was okay. It would be okay. Glee was going to get to Regionals! We had a new date with victory! And when I hugged him, I didn't want to let it go.
It came back. When she hugged me. The flip flop in my stomach. The tension and relief coming at the same time made it so much stronger. I can't place the last time, all I know is that it felt better. Until it didn't. All this mess made me want to puke. So, I did. And I think the flip flop was for something. I don't want to be sick after feeling like that. I held it back until we got off stage, but then I ran to the bathroom. When I came out, something had lifted from my shoulders. A teeny tiny something. It was welcome. Even if I don't know what it was. So, maybe that's not that bad. Maybe it's just a bit too much for now. I still need time.
I saw Finn run to the bathroom, a nauseous look on his face. When he came out, he was smiling again. I couldn't help but be a bit moved. All the emotions had made my huge friend's stomach turn into a mess. I didn't show it, though. All I showed was that I was there if he needed me. I think he did, just then. It was time to go back. We got outside, and at the moment when I was leaving his side to get into the bus, he held my hand. "Ride back with me?"
And she did. I needed a friend, I needed company. It had been a hard day. I was far away of the original plan. By this time I was seeing me home playing video games, instead I was in Mr. Shue's car driving back to Lima with Rachel. I didn't talk, and she didn't press anything. We just put the radio on and sung to the songs. Just like we used to do. I would have lost that for nothing in this world. By the time we got back, I also knew something else. "I still need time, Rachel. Alone. I need to time to heal. I promise the moment I'm ready to see people again, you'll be the first on my list. Until then, I hope you'll be patient. You're still my best friend and I will need you."
"Okay, Finn. I will respect that, and wait. Will you come at glee on Monday? We have something for Mr. Shue." I hoped he would. "Okay." Never in my life was I so glad that this year's break had a weird start date. Monday was a school day, and the winter break was beginning at the end of it. "See you Monday, Finn. get well soon." With that, I exited the car in front of my house where he had dropped me off, and went to my dads with a big smile on my face. The next day, I told my dad hos it had finally played out.
I got home, and mom was there. I was exhausted, and she didn't say anything. I had been out, and I had seen friends. She was okay with that. Plus, we had won our competition. She was more than okay with that. I spend Sunday sleeping and playing, eating with my mom and stuff. I was feeling better, at times. I still had a lot to deal with in front of me.
On Monday, I eagerly waited for Finn before glee. We were all here to celebrate our victory, and present the trophy to Mr. Shue. Plus, we had a surprise for him. Finn got here on time, and we went through the song once with him as the male lead, finishing just in time for Mr. Shue to arrive. We were going to rock his boat with that song, and everything it said. We believed in it.
We presented the trophy, and sung . We didn't rehearse more. Mr. Shue let us go right after the song. He said he had something else to do. I think we were all fine with it. It meant holiday break beginning earlier. Who could be mad with that? I left too. Singing with everyone again, at school, in the choir room brought back everything with a force. I had mountains to deal with. To do that, I needed to get away from it all. It was breaking my heart to do it but I felt like it was the only way. So, I left the room, and went towards the parking lot. Rachel was following me, probably concerned for me and stuff. I could not take any more of her kindness right now. I could not take anything anymore.
"I quit." He said quickly.
I went home fast after that. I didn't need another speech that could make me come back once again. I went home to cry. Glee had cost me my popularity, my oldest friend and my girlfriend. I could not take more blows to my pride or to myself. I was never going back.
He didn't let me the time to recover. He was gone when I could think again. Then I went home to cry. I had been given a truce during Sectionals, but asking him to come back for that last song had been too much. Telling the truth had cost me my best friend. And the one I love.