Thank you for the 100 reviews! Here's your long chapter!
Fin came running into the hospital. "What's goin' on? Is she alright?"
"I don't know. They haven't said much."
"Have you called Liv?"
"No. She's with Noah, I didn't want to bother her." Nick said. Then he realized he should still call and update her. "I'll call her." He pulled out his phone, and dialed Olivia's number. It almost sent him to voicemail, but she picked up just before.
"Hey Nick, is everything alright?" She was worried for Amanda, though she had no clue what had just happen.
"They had to sedate Amanda. I'm not sure what happen. I just wanted to keep you updated. Fin and I have it under control, you don't have to come."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll keep you updated."
"I might swing by with Noah just to be sure. Okay, I have to go, Nick. Noah's up." She said, hearing baby Noah start to cry in the other room.
"Okay. Bye." He hung up the phone. "I think she's coming over."
A nurse walked into the waiting room. Nick and Fin both walked up to her immediately. "She should be up soon, and I think she should see some familiar faces when she's up." The nurse said, and led them to Amanda's room. They entered the room quietly. She was calm. Breathing regularly. Her hands and arms were covered in bandages. There was one bandage on her forehead, and the guys wondered what had happen to her.
"What happen?" Nick asked when he saw her.
"She got in a fight with the mirror. We're not sure if it was intentional, she seemed pretty out of it when we came in, but we're not sure yet. Let me know if you need anything. I'll be right outside." The nurse said, and left the room.
Nick stared at Amanda's face. He wanted to sit on the bed next to her, and hug her, hold her hand, and just hold her and never let her go. Instead he stood near the door, staring at her. Fin took a seat in the chair near the foot of the bed. They stared in silence as the nurse's words played on their minds. She got in a fight with the mirror. We're not sure if it was intentional. If it was intentional. Intentional. Did Amanda really try to hurt herself? There was only one person who knew the answer, and she was fast sleep there in the bed in front of them.
A few minutes later, a nurse opened the door, and Olivia entered the
"Hey." Nick said, immediately walking over toward her. "Where's Noah?"
"I worked something out. How is she?"
"Sedated. The nurse said she got in a fight with the mirror. They're not sure if it was intentional."
"Intentional?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Apparently she was out of it when they walked in. They couldn't tell if she was having a flashback or..." He took a breath. "Suicidal." It was hard for him to imagine his girlfriend being suicidal.
Olivia let out a breath and closed her eyes. She walked over and took the seat next to Amanda. "Just, let me talk to her when she wakes up."
They both nodded in agreement, knowing Amanda responded best to Olivia. They waited for a couple minutes in silence before Amanda started to wake up. Her muscles tightened, and body stiffened. "No! Stop!" She screamed with her eyes still closed, and thrashed at the blankets. "Liv! Nick! Help! Fin! Luke! Someone! Help!" She was starting to sweat, screaming as loud as she could.
Nick and Fin wanted to rush to her side and help her, but they knew it would be best to let Olivia take the lead. They didn't want to overwhelm her.
Olivia tried waking her up. "Amanda. Amanda, you're okay. It's Olivia, you're safe."
"Please, no!"
"Amanda!" She tried again, this time shaking her gently.
Amanda's eyes popped open. Her eyes showed nothing but terror. She swatted at Olivia, but Olivia took her hands, and held them even while Amanda fought against it. "Amanda, Amanda, you're safe. Okay, you need to breathe. Amanda."
She finally stopped fighting, and saw Olivia. "Breathe, Amanda, you're okay. He's not here." Olivia said, and Amanda began to catch her breath. "You're okay. You're okay. Take your time."
Amanda noticed the bandages on her arms. "What happen?" She pulled her hands away from Olivia.
"You shattered the mirror. Do you remember?"
Amanda looked over at the empty space on the wall where the mirror had once been. The shards of glass had been cleaned by the nurses while Amanda was asleep, and the frame had been taken off of the wall. She stared, unable to move for a moment. Then she swallowed hard, taking her eyes from the mirror, and saw Fin. She looked away, and saw Nick. She looked back at Olivia, all three of them were so concerned about her, and she could see it on all their faces. She looked down to her lap, and stared. Olivia reached for her hand, but Amanda pulled her hand away. "I'm sorry." Amanda said.
"Don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong."
"Liv, can I talk to you?" She asked without looking up.
"Of course." She said, and shot a look to the guys that told them to leave. Once they were alone in the room, Amanda looked at Olivia with her tear-soaked face. "Are you okay?" Olivia asked, concerned.
Something happen to me on the job.
"You will never know what I went through. In Atlanta, when he came here, the past three days. But you are the only one who may even begin to understand what I'm going through right now. I don't know how people do it. It was so much easier before when me, him, and Brian were the only ones who knew. I've helped so many others, and some I forced them to revisit their nightmare. They were so much stronger than I am."
"I know that it's hard. Probably even harder for us with, dealing with the nightmares and flashbacks at home, and going to work doesn't make it any easier. I get it, I really do. There are times when you'll feel completely degraded and worthless, you'll feel he took everything from you."
"I already feel that way." Amanda mumbled quietly under her breath.
Olivia heard her, but continued with what she was saying. She needed to tell her this before she couldn't. "You just have to remember you are not worthless, and he didn't take everything, you're still alive, you still have me and the rest of the squad. We will always be here for you no matter what. And I will always be there if you ever need someone to talk to, no judgment, no Sergeant, just as a friend. Stay strong, Amanda. The pain you feel now is only temporary."
"Thanks, Liv." Amanda said, replaying Olivia's words over again in her mind. It was exactly what she needed to hear.
They sat in silence for a few seconds before Olivia finally spoke up. "I have to ask, and I'm sorry. Do you know what happen to the mirror?"
"I broke it... I could've sworn I saw Clark. I tried to kill him... that's what happen."
"I get it, and what about Nick?" Olivia asked. "Why are you so scared to talk to him?"
Amanda was shocked, she thought the answer was obvious. "I can't lose him. He's all I have. I lost everyone in Atlanta. You're gonna leave once I can stand on my own, Fin will never look at me the same. I need Nick, and if I let him see me like this, he'll leave too."
"Amanda, I am going to be here for you every step of the way, and whenever you need me after that, and even when you don't need me. Did you hear what I said? 'We will always be here for you, no matter what.' Nobody left me, you are all still here. What makes you think it will be any different with you?"
"You weren't actually raped." She said quietly, and broke the eye contact. "I am disgusting and used and broken..." She trailed off.
"Amanda." Olivia said softly. "You are not any of those things."
Amanda stared at the ground away from Olivia and sat unmoving.
"Amanda." Olivia said, noticing she wasn't getting a response from her. Amanda still didn't respond, and Olivia thought she had pushed her too much. "Amanda, I know it feels like he broke you, and he used you, like he made you dirty, but you have to know, you are none of those things. Don't let him take you away, don't let him control you. You are still Detective Amanda Rollins, don't let him make you feel like you are anything less." Amanda still sat unresponsive, and Olivia decided it would be best to let her be alone, and maybe her words would sink in. "I'm gonna go. Will you be alright? Do you want me to send in one of the guys?"
Amanda shook her head, and rolled onto her side, away from Olivia. Tears started to seep from her eyes.
It was part of the reason why I had to leave.
"Okay, I'll let you rest, but I'll be back." Olivia said, and left the room.
"How is she?" Nick asked as soon as he saw Olivia.
"She's still in shock. She's trying her best to hide everything."
"Did you talk to her? Do you know why she doesn't want to talk to me?"
"I did, and personally, I think there's something more going on between the two of you... but she's scared of what you're gonna think of her. She doesn't want you to leave. Nick, she needs you. I think you should give her a little time, and in a while, go in and talk to her."
"Liv, she's gonna tell me to leave."
"Tell her you're not taking it, you want to be with her, and help her through it. If she still wants you to leave... be respectful, not too pushy. Okay?" Nick nodded in agreement.
Amanda laid on her side, and let her shield down. She quit holding it together, and tears sprung from her eyes. She covered her face with her hands, and curled into a little ball. She sobbed into her hands as her small body shook. As much as she wanted to continue to talk to Olivia, Clark, the memories of him, wouldn't allow her to continue. They controlled her mind. She tried to shove them out of her mind, but they kept taunting at her, and replayed every moment with him as if they were on repeat. So, there she was sobbing without control on her hospital bed, her face, hands, hair, and hospital gown drenched with tears.
The nurse entered the room, and Amanda looked up quickly. When she saw the nurse she closed her eyes, and let out a breath. "I'm sorry." She tried to hide the tears, but they were falling faster than she could wipe them.
The nurse didn't say a word to Amanda as she checked up on everything she needed to, Amanda liked that. "Your friends want to know when they can see you." The nurse finally spoke.
"No, I can't talk to them."
One hour later
"I have to go. I'm sorry. If you need me again, call me. Keep me updated, even if I don't need to come."
"You got it Sarge." Fin said, and Benson left the hospital.
Nick and Fin sat in the waiting room for another half hour, with Amanda still refusing any visitors, and only the one nurse in the room with her. Then, Nick and Fin walked up to the nurse when they saw her enter the waiting room. "Can we see her yet?"
"She agreed to one at a time." The nurse said, and they both agreed Nick should go back first. The nurse walked him back to her room, and shut the door behind him.
When Nick entered the room, Amanda looked to be holding herself together very well. Her eyes were red and puffy, but there were no tears. "Hey Nick." She said when he walked in.
"Hey, you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Amanda said. "How are you?" She said, eager to get the conversation off of herself.
"I'm tired... I've been wanting to talk to you."
"I didn't think there was anything really to talk about." She desperately wished he would not talk about her.
"Amanda, after not seeing you for three days, after everything you went through, you don't think there's anything to talk about?" He said as compassionately as he could, but he was getting a little frustrated with the way she was avoiding the subject, and acting as if nothing happen.
"I don't wanna talk about that." Her voice started breaking.
"I'm not asking you to. I just want you to talk to me."
"What do you want me to say!? There's nothing to say!" She shouted, voice breaking, hands starting to tremble.
"Amanda, I just feel like you're pushing me away, and I don't want that."
"Can you leave? Please?"
"I can't. I care about you too much, and I don't want to leave you angry."
She started crying again, she felt so weak, but she didn't expect to hear that from Nick. She was overwhelmed by his kindness. He cared.
"Hey, hey, Amanda." He said, and moved closer to her bed and held her hand.
She pulled her hand away, not out of fear, but because she simply didn't want him holding her hand. She shook her head, and squeezed her eyes shut. "Nick, I-I can't, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Amanda will you please listen to me? Just listen to me for two minutes, that's all I ask."
Amanda nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes; trying to put on a brave face for him, he noticed.
"Amanda, I'm here for you. I've been here the whole time, I haven't left. What makes you think I'm gonna leave now? I love you Amanda. Clark can't take that from me, from you. I won't let him. He can't get between us, and please don't let him. Please believe me when I tell you I'm not leaving. I don't care how hard you try to push me away, I'm still going to care, and I'll still be here, and still try to help you in any way that I can. So, I guess what I'm asking is that you accept my help, and we can get through this... together."
"How could you love me after seeing me with Clark on top of me, inside me? How could you still possibly want me? I'm used and broken, and you came in, and you saw everything. Everything!" She said in tears.
"That doesn't matter. None of that matters to me. What matters is that I love you, and there's no changing that. Amanda, I love you."
She smiled at his words. She started into his eyes, and could tell he truly meant what he had said. "I love you too, Nick. I'm only trying to protect you."
"I'd feel a lot better if you'd quit worrying about what I think, and focus on recovering, and let me help you."
Amanda reached for his hand, and smiled weakly with tears in her eyes. "I'll try to be better, but I can't promise anything Nick, I just can't." She wanted him to reach out and hold her, but she didn't want to ask him to.
"I understand. Just tell me if you need time to yourself." Amanda nodded. "Do you need me to leave now?" She shook her head, and Nick felt a wave of relief wash over him. It had worked. Amanda was still crying, though not as hard, but Nick saw this as his opportunity to take her in his arms, and give her a hug.
Amanda fell into his arms, leaning all her weight on him. He had always been able to make Amanda feel safe when he took her in his arms. When she felt his arms wrapped around her, it didn't fail to make her feel safe and comfortable once again. She buried her face in his chest, and clung to him tightly. "I missed you so much." Amanda whispered, with her head rested up against his chest, hardly pulling away.
"I missed you too." Nick whispered back, in her ear.
So Rollaro is back together. Yay? Actually, I ship Bensaro so, I'm not too excited about it, but it's what the story and readers want and both wanted Rollaro so that's what I did. And, I know I have to face that it is a real part of the show. I'd say I'm doing pretty well writing objectively, but if not, let me know, if you like how I'm writing this, please let me know that too! I want to hear your opinions on this story so please review!