Part 14
Twenty. Twenty. His heart pounded out the beat as he poured salt in thick lines over the window sills and doorways. What else had Darrow used? It had seemed to work for him. Goofer dust. Cats-eye shells. He wondered where he could get any of that. He swore he heard the howling but it was way too early. "I get twenty more days, damn it."
Setting the holy water within reach, he picked up the phone and dialed. He got a groggy response. "What?"
"Sammy. How's it going?"
"Dean?"
"Yeah, man. So… Ellen strip down for you, yet?"
"Dude, what the hell? It's three in the morning."
"I know. She kisses like a fiend you know… you should go for it."
"Are you drunk?"
"Nah. Perfectly sober." He cleared his throat as he cocked his shotgun.
"Dean…" He swallowed down a lump. "Are you okay?"
"Sure. I'm fine. Just looking for some conversation."
"Okay… um… well… Ellen let me cop a feel."
"You get stitches?"
"How'd you know?"
Dean laughed and actually began to calm down. "Never mind."
"She's nuts, man… but you know… I wouldn't have her any other way."
"She's okay, though?"
"Yeah. She curses your name every other day but… so do I." He inhaled a deep breath. "How's Carmen?"
"You know… it's going. Starting to feel guilty… especially since… yeah."
"Since what?"
"Nothing."
"What'd you do?"
"Look… she's freaking perfect. She's got issues, obviously, but she's hot and she likes me and… she's on my ass to get a job and settle down and… I want to. Sam… I want to do and be everything that she wants and I can't find a way to tell her that I can't."
"I know, Dean."
"Sam… I've never… not even about… and I haven't even really told her what I do, much less what I've done." He wiped a tear from his face. "How do I tell her that without breaking her heart? I don't want to be the one to do that but… I will… won't I?"
--
Carmen rubbed at the circles under his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." He set the bag on the desk. "Look… I wandered into this Greek place at lunch and I figured you'd want to try it."
"You bought me lunch?" She smiled up at him. "You are so sweet."
"You cook for me all the time." He shrugged.
"Where'd you get the money?" She nibbled on a triangle of pita bread, hopping up on the desk to rest her feet while it was slow. "Sam feel sorry for you and send you some cash?"
Dean lowered his eyes. "Hustled some pool last night."
"Oh." She nodded. "Is that where you were?"
"Drifters. No big deal. I didn't get my ass kicked if that's what you were wondering."
"You need to be careful." She dragged him to her by his belt loops. "So… Rudy's friend says… any day you want…"
"There's… some stuff that I want to get in order before I get a legitimate job, Carmen." Dean fudged as he weighed his words carefully. "Some stuff that I want to tell you about but not right now…"
"What kind of stuff?"
"If he asks… I can start in two weeks." He shrugged carefully. "I can pitch in for a day or two in the meantime but I can't commit for two weeks."
"Okay. I'll pass word along." She took his face in her hands. "Dean, you're scaring me."
"I'm fine," he insisted. "Mama still wants me over?"
"You know she does. She's making something special for you and she insists that I'm there for the preparation because… get this… she's revealing a recipe."
--
Dean groaned as he took a bite. "It's too bad you're off the market."
"Well, I do have an eligible daughter." Mama winked at Carmen, who rolled her eyes. "He's so polite, Maria."
"Mom," Carmen warned.
"I'm sorry?" Dean looked from Carmen to her mother.
"What? He doesn't know your full name?" She tsked her daughter. "Mary Carmen Porter… but maybe she doesn't hold onto the last name very long."
"Mom!"
"Ignore them." Daddy waved his fork at them. "This is forever. Back and forth. Mary is a family name. Mary Isela, Mary Adriana. Mary Carmen." He pointed to all his daughters in turn.
"Huh." Dean sipped his beer. "Mary was my mother's name."
Carmen blinked at him. "Really?"
"Was?" Mama questioned as she glared at one of her sons-in-law for making a face at the turn of conversation.
"She passed away when I was young," Dean answered truthfully.
"Oh? I'm so sorry."
"Dean's actually from Lawrence, Mama. He moved after his mom passed away." Carmen rushed in to keep Dean from having to answer too many painful questions.
"Winchester, huh? I don't know any, personally." Daddy shook his head.
"I don't know that I had any family left here when we moved," Dean agreed.
"Damien says that he could use you a couple days this week. Light stuff. Oil changes and brakes. Inspections are up next week and people will be filing in." Rudy cleared his throat.
"I'll… uh… give you my number… you can pass it on. I'll be available." Dean nodded his thanks. "I appreciate it, man."
"No problem. Carmen's a ball buster so… I'll get her off your back."
"Shut up, Rudy." Isela rolled her eyes at her husband.
"What? She ran off Andre and she was all primed to marry him too."
"Rudy!" all four women yelled at him.
"I don't think Andre was ever really in the picture." Dean cleared his throat.
"Dean's right… and if you're done scaring Dean… I think he'd like to finish his dinner." Carmen shook her head. "Everything has to be such drama." She looked up to find Dean laughing silently at her. "Shut up, your family is so much more dramatic than mine."
"Have you met his family, already?" Mama bit back a smile as she winked at her daughters.
"Yes… and I met them before we started…"
"Started what, Carmen?" Daniel cleared his throat, creating laughter around the table.
"Are you done?" Carmen crossed her arms and glared across the table.
"I'm playing with you," Daniel tried to apologize but Carmen was pissed. "Oh, come on."
"Dean is having a good time. You should too," Mama pointed out.
"Come on. You met Ellen, Carmen… that was… well it was worse than this." Dean tried to calm her down.
"You and Ellen… I'm not touching that with a ten-foot-pole." Carmen shook her head. "I don't think that qualifies as family, exactly."
"Oh come on…" Dean tried but just shook his head. "I was trying to make her laugh."
"Uh-huh. Plenty of laughing and touching."
"She was grieving… and touching what??"
"This is better than the stories." Isela nudged her younger sister.
"Shut up." Carmen glared at them.
"Ellen was a friend of my dad's," Dean explained to Carmen's parents. "Seven months ago, her daughter passed away. I helped her get through Jo's birthday. Carmen was there, serving up your molé casserole until she sobered up."
"That's so sweet." Mama patted his hand.
"Yeah, it was," Carmen admitted.
"When exactly did you two start dating?" Nani asked as she rose to collect empty plates.
"About a month ago?" Carmen looked to Dean, who nodded. He knew the exact number of days and that was 28.
"When's the wedding?" Daniel asked.
"Shut up," the Porters' daughters all told him.
--
Carmen lightly traced the border on the left side of Dean's chest. The scars were less angry. "Sorry about all the marriage talk. Hope you aren't scared away."
"Sweetheart, I've been through scarier." He caught her arm and just held it against his chest. His heart still pumping out a steady fourteen for another three hours.
"So… what were you talking about at the hospital today?"
"It's nothing really but… I haven't been a good person." He started, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I've… done things in my life that I'm not proud of but at the time were necessary in order to keep on living, to keep on working."
"I'm sure we all feel that way, Dean."
"But… I didn't used to really believe in God… you know? I vehemently denied the existence of Angels but then I saw something."
"What did you see?"
"I stopped a girl from being raped and murdered. I pursued her attack but I couldn't keep up and when… this truck screeched to a halt. A pipe fell off the back, fell on its end… bounced and… plowed right through the guy's windshield… killing him instantly." He took a breath. "I've seen a lot of evil things done in the name of perpetuating evil. It was the first time I ever saw something bad happen to a bad person before he committed true evil."
"You think it was divine intervention?"
"Maybe."
"Dean…" she whispered and slipped her arms around his body.
"I've killed people, Carmen. In the name of saving my brother and my father… I'm not a murderer. Doesn't that mean I'm going to hell, though? Killing another person?"
"Maybe you've done way more good." She tried to calm him down but he was shifting around nervously. "Are you okay?"
"Some contracts look good when you sign them. You can understand all the terms and still not be ready for the consequences."
"Yeah… I know that." She arched an eyebrow at him.
"I need you to know that while I don't feel like I'm a bad person… there are countless things I've done that other people won't find so harmless." Dean sat up and waited until she had absorbed what he'd said and didn't try to comfort him. "Ten years ago… it was just another one night stand. I've never hidden that from you. What I haven't said yet is that…"
"You have a child."
"Yeah. He's nearly nine and I've never been there for him because, excepting the last year, I didn't know about his existence. I haven't provided for him in the meantime."
"Is that what you were talking about? Getting your things in order before working for Rudy's friend?"
"One of the things." He stared at her dresser and took a deep breath.
"What are you saying?"
Dean took a shuddering breath. He could feel the breath of the Hellhound down his neck. "If anything… I really want you to be the person who remembers the good things about me… instead of the bad."
"Dean, you're scaring me."
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you but it's not fair to tell you the good bits and not the bad bits because you tell me everything… and I whitewash the truth so that you don't run screaming for the hills. I'm doing it now… because I don't want you to hate me for who I am." He took another shuddering breath, aware that tears were slipping down his eyelashes. "That dream of you that I had… my life wasn't like that. I was just a mechanic and a lousy brother and a screw up for a son and for some reason you loved me… and I'm still trying to figure out why."
--
Thirteen. Dean dragged his ass up the stairs and into the apartment. He didn't even bother threatening to shoot whoever was sitting at his kitchen table. It was Sam, anyway. "I couldn't tell her, Sam. I started to. I meant to but I can't tell her that. I think it would hurt less for her to find out… after."
"Okay. That's your decision, man." Sam nodded. "You okay, though?"
"I told you not to come back." Dean sniffed and sank into the other chair.
"I'm not going to be a hundred miles away, Dean. I won't be here when it happens but I'll be nearby."
"Where's Ellen?"
"Sent her and Bobby on a hunt. They're gonna stay out of the way and pick me up when I call them."
"Okay."
"So what did you tell her?" Sam poured Dean a cup of coffee from the pot he'd set on the table.
"About Ben. About that I've killed people… and that I wanted to tell her everything but I wanted her to like who I am tomorrow. She said she'd call me." Dean put the Hello Kitty! phone on the table. "We'll see." He took a deep breath, took a sip of coffee and looked to the night sky that was starting to turn pink with the coming dawn. "Why did I have to find her now, Sam? Why did I have to find her at all?"
TBC